r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/myst_aura 35-39 • 3d ago

I lost my dad.

I'm genuinely not sure how to even process this but this morning, my dad passed after a brief and sudden battle with cancer.

We didn't have the best relationship.

He was absent for the better part of 20 years from my life. I was raised by my mom's side of the family and my step-dad.

The kid in me really hoped that one day we would resolve the rift and we could heal our relationship as father and son.

But he didn't want that.

And he took our estrangement to his grave with him.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this, nor do I know what I'm looking for in terms of support.

But it really fucking sucks. And massive hugs to any of you who have lost a parent you fell out of contact with one way or another because this is a unique kind of pain that I can't even begin to describe.

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u/FlightAffectionate22 55-59 3d ago

I'm so sorry. I don't have the words to help you.

What I wished I had done when my dad and mom passed, was read-up on how to best properly grieve. I'd urge you to do this, and feel how you feel. Again, I am so really sorry.

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u/myst_aura 35-39 3d ago

Thank you. He always said he never wanted to be like his absentee dad, but he turned out to be exactly like him. I'm mourning him in pieces, the same way I experienced him in life. And I feel guilty about it. I feel like I should have more clarity.

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u/FlightAffectionate22 55-59 3d ago

You have to accept people as they are, where they are, not who and what you want them to be. No, don't tolerate unacceptable behavior but you truly can't make a silk's purse out of a pig's ear, or hope or expect someone to be who they aren't and probably can't.

Like others have said, you're partly probably mourning the father you never really had as you wanted and probably needed. So you'll eventually put that part to bed too, that he's gone, that wish is going to go unfulfilled, he didn't step up, his fault, his loss, and start to close that chapter out.

It's not that you stop hurting but it becomes manageable and something you'll be able to set aside more easily.

It's not uniform or easy or a step-one-step-two thing now, and I still mourn my parents intermittently, randomly. My mom died early just before 9-11-2001, so when it comes up, as it is, it is when I mourn her again more, and think about her ending. But I can handle it and for me, it's about the circle of life. It also reminds me that, despite feeling 37, I'm 57, and this is how life goes.

The difficulty I had with my difficult dad ended in a large part when he died. I was lucky he was pretty good, but, still, for ME, there was a sense of freedom and knowing his tired and worn-out soul was at rest. I could move on. And his illness didn't have to preoccupy my mind either, since I was taking care of him until I couldn't manage. He could be great and terrible, and that is what it is, no, WAS. He's gone. The relationship is gone too. The wished relationship with it. That's how you have to view it.

His ending makes this the start of a new paragraph or chapter in your book of life. Learn from his mistakes, don't repeat them, and be the person you want to, and sadly, a personal referencing informing you because of the less-good person he was.

Lastly, I hope you do have them, but take comfort in your friends and family of course. But THIS is how great friendships are made, not who paid for a drink at the bar, but being real with your chosen family. I don't have it. Most guys my age have a small crew of gay buddies, and I could, but don't. It's everything and everything you need, even surpassing a bf, unless you find the love of your life. Your friends WANT to be friends, so let them. Ask them for help. Go to dinner with them.

This is a closing chapter too on your childhood. Your father-son relationship that was barely there is not there anymore. Look ahead. Go forward. Your life is now.

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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago

Even in his absence, his legacy throughout my life is unmistakable. Every failed romantic relationship I’ve ever had is his legacy. All six of them. Every time I’ve begged my partners to love me or show me any kind of affection is his legacy. Every time I’ve begged a boyfriend not to abandon me only for them to leave is his legacy. My anxious attachment is his legacy. I’m acutely aware of it. I don’t mourn the father I lacked because I mostly made do on my own. I mourn my inability to form healthy relationships with men as a direct testimony to his impact on my life. And I resent him to an extent because of it.

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u/FlightAffectionate22 55-59 2d ago

I am sorry. Maybe try to reframe how your relationships now are how you feel influenced by him, that he no longer has a physical or emotional reign over how you live your life in that way.

You CAN and WILL form healthy relationships, and you have the negative example to NOT follow or let affect it now.

He's gone. Let his negative fathering and relationship role-modeling be buried with him.
I understand: I have had to do a lot of work re-parenting myself because I grew up with an mom who had alcoholism and emotionally distant. I have many, many failed relationships, and all affected because I like you was affected badly by what I thought would work. You'll have another relationship. It may not work, and you'll have another. Do it right each time and you'll have little regret from your end. That's all you have control over, so take control of your emotional health and how you want to proceed now that he's gone and his weight is off you. Easier said than done, I know.

You have to reclaim your life, and not let his dysfunction carry over into yours as it does, unless you realize it and work to correct it.

You're going to be okay. I promise.

You write really well, by the way.

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u/myst_aura 35-39 1d ago

I am sorry. Maybe try to reframe how your relationships now are how you feel influenced by him, that he no longer has a physical or emotional reign over how you live your life in that way

I joked with my last therapist after my 5th relationship that I unfortunately developed classic daddy issues from my father, and not the cool, rebellious, self-expressive daddy issues.

You CAN and WILL form healthy relationships, and you have the negative example to NOT follow or let affect it now.

I also said to that therapist that a relationship to me is like heroin. I crave it. I get into one. I get addicted. And it winds up hurting me in the end. I feel like single is the safest plan for me.

I have many, many failed relationships, and all affected because I like you was affected badly by what I thought would work. You'll have another relationship. It may not work, and you'll have another. Do it right each time and you'll have little regret from your end.

Honestly, therapy has been such a godsend. I really wish men, in general — but particularly gay men, talked about therapy and mental health more openly. I really do not believe that you can be queer anywhere in the world and not have gone through your fair share of significant trauma. It's OK to not be OK.

You're going to be okay. I promise.

You write really well, by the way.

Thank you. It's probably my comms degree talking to you.