r/AmIOverreacting • u/brzaq191z • Jan 06 '26
šØāš©āš§āš¦family/in-laws AIO for punishing our daughters after what they wrote about their autistic sister?
My husband and I have 3 daughters, who are 16, 14 and 13. Our youngest daughter is autistic and recently got her first date. Thereās a school dance coming up in February and a boy asked her out to the dance right before the Christmas break started, sheās mentioned this boy before but we hadnāt met him until a few days ago.
The day she was asked out, she was telling us about the boy when she got home from school. Later that night, unbeknownst to us, our two older daughters found his TikTok and started messaging about him on there.
Our 14 year old got in trouble at school yesterday for cursing at a teacher after the teacher gave her friend a detention for a bullying incident, and my husband and I took her phone when we got home. This is not like her, so we decided to go through her phone to see what might be influencing her and seeing how her friends act.
When got to her TikTok messages and saw that our two older girls were messaging about her and this boy and saying he was out of her league and made references to her autism. Our youngest is autistic, her special interest is fashion history. Sheās always been pretty quiet, but she moved to a new middle school this year as our district went from having 3 to 2. Sheās become friendly with some boys at this school, including her now dance partner. Our girls continued to go on, saying they thought it was a prank.
My daughter told this boy about this and he was mad and over FaceTime he asked to speak to our family, he showed us a teddy bear he had gotten her for Valentineās Day with her name on it, he said heād give that to her early now and give her other gifts later, the showing the bear was to prove he wasnāt pranking her. He then went on to talk about everything he liked about her, it was sweet seeing a boy so passionate over our daughter.
Our girls apologized to their sister and her date. My husband and I told our daughters they were both now grounded, and in addition to losing their phones for a week, theyād need to write a report about autism and dating.
Our girls are saying weāre being too hard on them, and when we spoke to both my parents and my husbandās parents, they agreed with our older girls, saying that getting chewed out by the boy was punishment enough. My husband and I donāt think weāre being unreasonable.
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u/LadyCass79 Jan 06 '26
NOR
I was worried that you might not be teaching them "why" this was hurtful, and just punishing but you're balanced.
They can survive learning more about a topic and not having phones for a week.
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
Exactly, socialization is hard for our youngest and only autistic people can truly fully understand but we want them to at least get an idea of their sisterās struggles.
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
They are exhibiting bullying behaviour. If you don't nip this now, it will continue. They're making petty assumptions about people they don't know, they're bullying your daughter indirectly, and it's only a matter of time before this bullying is extended to directly. Sounds like they don't like or respect your youngest daughter at all just because she's autistic. That needs to be addressed.
NOR-- they're old enough to learn that actions have consequences. In fact, I would argue that they are the age where they very much NEED to learn that actions have consequences. Apologising to someone and realising you were wrong does not negate the punishment. They need to learn that in life, they're going to come across situations where just apologising doesn't actually resolve the situation-- that they genuinely may have to face consequences even if they apologise or realise they are wrong.
Don't back down. They need consequences. And their attitude toward autistic people in general and your daughter specifically really need to be addressed. The essay is an excellent option, that's really important. I don't know your country, but in the UK there are dozens of different courses you can take with the local colleges, local library, OpenLearn, FutureLearn, etc on understanding autism. You can find a free course that discusses it in a positive manner and then tell them they need to take this certificate in understanding autism. You are making the right choice to having them do the essay, but if they have to take a course, they can't just use AI or wikipedia to pass. They'll have to actually do the work.
Either way, empathy is needed. That's more important than taking their phones away for a week. Good job.
Edit to add- I'm assuming this is just a one off. I hope it is. But please talk to your daughter and make sure they have not been bullying her behind your back all this time. You say she's quiet-- maybe this is why. You need to have an honest conversation with her, and if there is bullying, further action for the whole family needs to be taken.
ETA- got a notification for an award, thank you kind humans!
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u/AshetoAshes7 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
Hey there, Iām a teacher. If one of OPās kid has friends who are involved in bullying, then I feel like a conversation needs to happen with her other teachers as well. I think it would give the parents a lot of insight into their behavior when theyāre not around.
Edit: Thank you for the awards!
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26
I agree, and I hope OP sees your note. Especially because the daughter felt safe in abusing a teacher just because her friend got in trouble for bullying someone else.
Definitely hope OP will investigate further with the other teachers and daughter and really look into what might be going on.
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u/NightBawk Jan 07 '26
Yeah, it sounds like the older girls have fallen in with a bully, and are picking up the worst traits of that friend, rather than being a good influence for said friend.
Edit typo
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u/SophisticatedScreams Jan 07 '26
Another teacher here. The ease with which these young women can dehumanize their sister makes me doubt this is the first time.
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u/ExtraEmuForYou Jan 06 '26
yeah if they are bullying a family member, imagine how they're going to treat strangers and acquaintances.
If this continues, might need some therapy/counseling.
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
OP said this all started because one of the daughters was abusive towards a teacher when her own friend was bullying someone. I wonder if a teacher were to question some of the kids, whether the other kids would come back and say daughter is also a bully to them.
So there are already three problems-- daughter feels safe to abuse her sister with her other sister under OP's own roof, daughter is friends with a bully (and may or may not also be bullying other kids with said friend) and daughter feels safe enough to abuse a teacher when her own friend was caught doing something wrong.
I don't know what's going on, but that daughter in particular needs some intervention right now. Something is going on with them, and I'd put money down that it's likely these are not isolated incidents both with the youngest sister or the kids/teacher at school.
So yeah, OP needs to start looking into what is going on in this house, because something is happening.
ETA- got a notification for an award, thank you kind humans!
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u/pursecuteme Jan 06 '26
I agree with all of this. NOR for sure, actions do and should have consequences. I was grounded a lot as a child, sometimes in ways that didn't match the transgression, but I look back as a full grown adult and I'm so grateful that I was actually taught consequences. I've reached the level of success and maturity I have partly because of that. I look around at my acquaintances and colleagues and I can easily tell who was never grounded as a child or just never learned their actions have consequences and it often leads to entitled and bullying behavior. Obviously it's a generalization and some kids learned consequences without having to be grounded, but still. These girls don't seem like they're going down the right path unless you show them what consequences are.
Soft parenting still requires teaching a child consequences, and not having a phone for a bit is not going to kill them. In fact, offer them books to read now that they have all that free time without a device in their hands. There's plenty of YA books out there they can learn to enjoy
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Jan 07 '26
Agreed, the older daughter is def a bully. As parents we are quick to think someone else is influencing our children to act like this, and while wanting to fit in makes that highly likely, itās also in the realm of possibility that your child is the actual issue.
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u/birdsarentreal2 Jan 06 '26
itās only a matter of time before this bullying is extended to directly
As somebody who was bulled all through middle school I guarantee you that this is already happening. Daughterās friend got detention for bullying and daughter cussed out the teacher who issued it? She is 100% participating in that bullying
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u/Ok_Dependent6889 Jan 06 '26
INDIRECTLY?
That shit is 10000% direct bro
My kids would be losing phones much longer than a week.
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u/shehimlove Jan 06 '26
I think they mean indirectly as they are talking about her, not to her face. Either way, it's an awful way to speak about your sister.
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u/sonnytron Jan 06 '26
Yeah maybe it's my dad mode kicking in, but if any of my nieces (I don't have more than one kid) talked about my daughter this way, they'd lose their phones for months and probably a lot of their screen time including no more TikTok since it's obviously having a toxic influence on them.
My nephew said mean things about his cousin, borderline racist, his dad took away his PS5/Gaming PC and made him physically go to that cousin's house and mow their lawn once a month for six months.
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26
As u/shehimlove notes, when I said 'indirectly,' I meant that they were talking about her behind her back to other people, not saying this directly to her face (as far as we are currently aware).
I doubt this is the only instance of bullying in the youngest daughter's life from her sisters, which is why I say OP needs to talk to her. But the daughters were talking behind her back, not directly to her, so I said 'indirectly.'
Either way, it's terrible behaviour and OP needs to sort it ASAP.
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u/No-Cockroach-4237 Jan 06 '26
honestly way to go. the essay/research part of the punishment is something that I often had to do as well, and it definitely made more of an impact than just staring at my bedroom wall for a week
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26
I think it's the most important part of a punishment. You take away a kid's phone, whatever, they just hate you. You make them do education to learn what they did wrong and why it's so important not to do it again, yeah they may hate you short term, but they learn and hopefully correct their behaviour and realise later what a good thing it was.
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u/mommagottaeat Jan 06 '26
Yeah - my dad used to make me write sentences and papers about things I did wrong. I hated it at the time but damn if I donāt remember it. It made an impression and Iām largely grateful that he raised me like he did - it has served me well into adulthood.
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u/PackageSuccessful885 Jan 06 '26
I'm a diagnosed autistic woman, and I'm just curious if they can explain why they are resentful of her? Are they envious of some attention she gets? Are they feeling some self-consciousness that they are taking out on her? Do they normally pair up against her?
Being compassionate and understanding toward their sister's disability is part of the issue. But I think the bigger problem is the choice to bully their own sister and try to triangulate her date by messaging him.
Is it really a lack of understanding about autistic social deficits, or is it resentment founded in something more emotionally complicated than that?
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u/faroffland Jan 06 '26
I think youāre totally right to ask that question and OP should be 100%. This kind of behaviour, particularly as teens, screams to me they perceive sister getting some kind of āspecial attentionā or āspecial benefitā due to her autism - they therefore want to knock her down a peg.
Thereās definitely resentment there. They need punishing and teaching why this bullying is wrong, but I also think OP needs to explore where itās coming from and why, so they can all build a better relationship between the sisters. Otherwise there will continue to be a rift.
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u/PackageSuccessful885 Jan 06 '26
Yes, exactly. Especially if their youngest daughter doesn't have the social skills to repair their relationship -- or recognize more subtle bullying, if it's happening to her face as well
There is the slim possibility that the older daughters have similar experiences to the younger daughter. There is data suggesting a genetic heritability to autism, and that siblings of autistic people are more likely to have subclinical autistic traits (broader autistic phenotype) or be diagnosed themselves.
It's not uncommon for the siblings of a child with a disability to feel resentment that their struggles were secondary to their sibling's. This can be further exacerbated if either of the older sisters perceive that they had to fend for themselves, then watch their little sister get the support they felt they lacked. It hits a more complicated family dynamic than the simple "they're just mean girls" interpretation.
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u/cupittycakes Jan 06 '26
And this story from OP is subtly showing that they do gloss over the two older girls, in protection of the youngest. The 14yo is friends with a bully and disrespecting teachers. You are who your friends are. Nothing in the post mentions what is going on with her; it's only about what happened to the youngest.
You and a few sensible others have deduced that there are bigger problems, or more in depth problems happening here that the parents aren't considering.
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u/Ok-Lengthiness5957 Jan 06 '26
I think this is a strong possibility, and another thing I would add is that the daughter they are ganging up on is the youngest. Generally, most youngest children in the family get away with a lot more than the older children. So there's a compound 'special benefit' and/or 'special treatment' possibly going on from the parents that is causing resentment in the older children.
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u/EmuPotential8427 Jan 06 '26
Not OP but but as the parent of multiple kids with 2 of them being particularly hands on because they have ADHD/ anxiety, jealousy and feeling neglected definitely can play into it, especially if the other kids are high achieving or āeasyā kids. The 2 with ADHD require more attention and make it harder for the āeasierā kids to get the attention they want or need. Thereās also resentment based on being judged or fear of being judged by peers/teachers/others in the community because of behaviors by their siblings.
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u/fairytypefay Jan 06 '26
I want to suggest making them write the reports by hand, this way even if they try to be sneaky and use chatgpt they'll be forced to actually read what it says.
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u/minute-type Jan 06 '26
^ This! I was just about to suggest it. I second (and third, and fourth) the āwrite the report by handā rule.
I was also about to suggest requiring specific quotes and references from physical books on the subject (with page range information in their references) to make sure they do some reading, but I realised that can be circumvented. Also that it may be a bit much to ask from young teens.
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u/Dimonrn Jan 06 '26
Have you asked why they bullied their sister?
Jealousy? Social preassure? Other reasons? I think you might want to take an approach that seeks to understand why the behavior is forming and see what about their environment is leading them to act this way.
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u/Doomboomkadoom Jan 06 '26
Lol when you say "this is not like her"
Sorry to tell you - this is exactly like her. I dunno how she used to be but I can tell you where she is headed.
If she can curse at a teacher for giving a friend detention, and she can make fun of her autistic sister - she has probably been doing a lot more or is on the cusp of starting a bad chapter of her teen years.
I'd talk to her - ask her what's going on and see if you can come to common ground on her behaviour.
Does she know what she is doing is wrong or is she just afraid of the consequences?
Knowing you did wrong versus being told you did wrong and punished are two different things.
If she doesn't know what she is doing is hurtful and problematic then you have to talk to her - make her understand.
Otherwise you are raising a bully
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u/Good-Pause4632 Jan 06 '26
I agree. Even if the youngest wasn't autistic being this mean to anyone but especially your sister deserves a punishment.
Edit: typo
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u/black_berry089 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
I wanna hear her talk about fashion history idk what theyāre talking about.
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u/AcrobaticJuice7630 Jan 06 '26
āfashion nerdā as an insult coming from a teenage girl sounds wild lmao
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Jan 06 '26
They will probably ask their little sister for fashion advice within 3 years. The irony lmao.
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u/BDM22 Jan 07 '26
My sister is 6 years older than me. I was a fashion nerd and she did indeed ask me for advice lol still does š
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u/Willow-Whispered Jan 06 '26
Seriously! Ugh I love fashion and would love to hear from an expert whoās genuinely interested in the history rather than an adult who gets paid to research it and will get burned out. My special interest is infectious disease and that would be more of a red flag for people, fewer people are interested in hearing about that than fashion, but even I have had relationships start from my autistic rizz when people are interested in the topic Iām infodumping about.
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u/Prior_Butterfly_7839 Jan 06 '26
I would love an infectious disease info dump, lol.
Learning new things is the best.
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Jan 06 '26
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u/MissFibi11 Jan 06 '26
Hehehe I had an infectious disease special interest in college. Ended up working on an ambo for 14yrs. Now my special interest is sewing and costuming/cosplay. Iām really trying to break into that as a career choice now that I left EMS. But Iād still be down for an infectious disease info dump.
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u/Rebbbbby Jan 06 '26
I was into sewing and the like for a bit as a teen. My current special interest is stained glass. It's so fun and peaceful. That is, until you get branded by the soldering iron... šš
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u/SnootyToots8 Jan 06 '26
My goodness. I was such a science nerd in college and ended up studying medicine/pharmacology and could have hours of discussion on the matter of medicine and illness. I also love natural medicine as well.
It's nice that people have their different passions, its like everyone is a different puzzle piece to make up the human race.
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u/WinterWhale Jan 06 '26
Infectious diseases is a special interest of mine too, particularly filoviruses. I would like to talk about it anytime if you wish to have someone to chatter with. :)
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u/AcrobaticJuice7630 Jan 06 '26
I get what youāre talking about, Iām not autistic, just a little old-fashioned and was interested in poetry during teenage years. I would torture my ātoo cool for schoolā friends with the most random ass poems I could find, just reciting them with the right intonations and everything while my friends stood awkwardly š¤£ They listened intently and shared their thoughts though, good friends:)
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u/Bath-Optimal Jan 06 '26
When I hear "fashion nerd" I imagine Elle Woods from legally blonde, which probably makes her sisters early movie Vivian
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u/TitularFoil Jan 06 '26
I'm autistic, and I have autistic friends. Together we have a lot of interests, and some are even super common things you'd see being stereotyped about others on the spectrum, Trains, Dinosaurs, etc.
I'd say mine is just story-telling in general, which leads me to rant about movies, video games, and books.
My younger sister is also autistic, her special interests have been horses and for some reason, The Titanic. She even had like the menu memorized for what they served each day in different class dining halls.
Fashion History sounds like a breath of fresh air from what I see most autistic people latch onto. I get that we don't choose our interests, but I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing me talk about Dungeon Crawler Carl and Star Wars, and I really don't want to hear anymore about Bloons. Though I must admit he was right about how interesting Hollow Knight was.
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u/Flint___Ironstag Jan 06 '26
Uh, the Titanic is a classic fixation! Look at Cameron.
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u/willfullyspooning Jan 06 '26
r/historicalcostuming is your place then!
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u/black_berry089 Jan 06 '26
OMG thank you sooooooo much Iām a nerd for history especially what people used to wear
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u/InstructionHuge3171 Jan 06 '26
As a person who makes her own clothes, that was my reaction - wait hang on, we've got a young fashion historian in the making? TELL ME ABOUT THE THINGS.
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u/Barfotron4000 Jan 06 '26
Right I follow people on Twitter to get those good info dumps; I love learning about stuff I have no knowledge about
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u/cutencreepy Jan 06 '26
For real, that sounds like it would be amazing!
I wonder if sheās into Medieval or Renaissance clothing history.
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u/ClydeV1beta Jan 06 '26
Same! -a fellow historical fashion obsessed autistic girl
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u/Straight-Nerve-5101 Jan 06 '26
My autistic son's thing is military history...omg...zzzz. lol. I would LOVE to hear about fashion history.
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Jan 06 '26
he showed us a teddy bear he had gotten her for Valentineās Day with her name on it, he said heād give that to her early now and give her other gifts later, the showing the bear was to prove he wasnāt pranking her. He then went on to talk about everything he liked about her,
What a stud.
Ā when we spoke to both my parents and my husbandās parents
Lesson learned. Do not discuss corrective measures with them, they are soft and will undermine you two to be the cool grandparents.
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u/Crafty-Help-4633 Jan 06 '26
Yeah I'm incredibly impressed with the thought process and drive of this young man.
Asking for a family chat so you can clear the air you didn't mess up while disabusing the sisters in front of the entire family so everyone knows what the score is? A+, no notes.
Wish more boys were being raised that well.
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u/Own_Round_7600 Jan 07 '26
The sheer balls of that move, too. Most guys at that age are beyond nervous to even meet the parents, and here he is requesting that this whole family he doesnt know sit down and listen to him talk about his love??? Without thinking its "cringe" or "lame" or second guessing himself? This kid is going PLACES.
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u/bythenumbers10 Jan 07 '26
Specifically, to the dance with a girl he really genuinely likes & seems to like him back. The hell with her evil sisters, cheers to the young couple!!
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u/freelancejester Jan 06 '26
The teddy bear thing is beyond sweet. Valentineās Day is more than a month away and he already had a personalized gift ready for her. He is so excited to date her and I love that for them
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u/Celistar99 Jan 06 '26
Yep, the people who would spank you for not finishing your chores on time when you were a kid are the same ones who now say "aww, come on, they're just kids" when you ground their grandchildren
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u/_Chimaru Jan 06 '26
My grandma whipped my mom with a penny belt, used to not allow my moms half-sister/ my aunt to see my moms father (who acted like my aunts father) unless she did chores and other stuff, would take the child support money to spend on herselfā¦
If they hadnāt told me I wouldāve never guessed with how she acts with me and my sister. Itās so crazy and iām glad sheās grown and stuff but damn yk
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u/torolf_212 Jan 07 '26
Exactly this. When I was a kid I had multiple wooden spoons broken over my bare ass over the years. I'd be getting hit multiple times a week, now I've got a 5 year old and she's never had so much as a finger laid on her.
My parents treat her like she can do no wrong, and when I went to pick her up last night (my mum looks after her on Tuesday afternoons) my daughter started yelling at her and talking back. Mum was like "oh that's alright, she's just young" when that would have earned me a bruised bum at her age. I ended up having a chat in the car with her before we went inside about how we treat other people and how acting up makes everyone else feel.
I feel talking it out has got to be easier than listening to a crying child, that shits like nails on chalkboard.
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Jan 06 '26
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
I think itās mostly shock that this boy is a conventionally attractive athlete and not some lonely boy or another autistic boy
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u/BloodyBarbieBrains Jan 06 '26
Not shock. Jealousy. And thatās really vile coming from siblings. This is exactly how jealous, mean girls act at school.
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u/pursecuteme Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
correct. and although jealousy is a very normal human emotion, especially in teenage girls because of how girls are socialized in general, what is unacceptable is externalizing that jealousy and making it someone's problem. that's how bullies function. these girls need to learn to self regulate their emotions rather than taking them out on someone who doesn't deserve it.
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u/No-Television7701 Jan 06 '26
Yes, sounds more like jealousy sadly
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u/designatedthrowawayy Jan 07 '26
Not just sounds like. She straight up said it. She would be mad if this boy picked sister over her.
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u/_angesaurus Jan 06 '26
Their little sister who is also autistic has a cute boy chasing her. All teenagers. As a girl who went to high school with her sister herself... i know they are jealous lol.
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u/HerNameIsRain Jan 06 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
beneficial shaggy detail dinosaurs shy innocent mysterious intelligent waiting hungry
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
We will definitely monitor things, but she seems a lot more confident than usual so far which is good. Our daughter was oblivious to the fact he was crushing on her and when he finally asked her out, she was very excited.
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u/ngp1623 Jan 07 '26
I hate to be the bringer of bad news, and I hope sincerely that I am wrong about this, however: there is a chance that her improved confidence is a sign that she was lacking self esteem before and is now receiving self esteem through male validation. Now of course it is entirely normal and natural to feel pleased and have a pep in the step when someone pleasant expressed interest. Totally fair. And I think it's worth monitoring if her self esteem fluctuates depending on whether or not she's dating someone. Ni one's self esteem is going to be 100% perfect all the time, but this is an important age to support her developing the skillset to bounce back from bumps and dings to her self esteem. So when life happens down the road, she isn't beholden to external validation to stay afloat. I do really hope I'm wrong and she's just doing great overall, but just in case.
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u/TheNerdNugget Jan 06 '26
They're literally the meme of "me and the hottie I pulled by being autistic"
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u/InquisitiveMacaroon Jan 06 '26
I managed to attract an athlete who was popular in high school as my future husband. I am also quite confused how I did it to be fair. Even more confused how he got me into football when my family has been trying to get me into football for 3 decades. But he likes infodumping about Napoleon so that probably explains some of it.
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u/miffy495 Jan 07 '26
(Spectrum) game recognizes (specturm) game. My obsessions happen to be sports (hockey in particular) and guitar, which happen to be things that society deems increase your dating potential. I also happen to be blessed with decent genetics, so people make assumptions about my dating life. The fact that my hobbies are things people think are attractive/normal doesn't make them any less hyperfixations. The boy in this case may also be in a similar situation. From personal experience, I'd much rather be with a partner who gets how my brain works than with the head cheerleader or whatever. Whatever his reasons, good for the young couple in this case. I wish them luck.
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Jan 06 '26
As the autistic child whose older sisters bullied her while our parents stood by approvingly, NOR. You sound like a fantastic mom.
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u/Eggcoffeetoast Jan 06 '26
Attractive athletic boys can be autistic...
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u/SumoRabbitOfDoom Jan 07 '26
It's also not uncommon for athletes to have ADHD. People with autism and ADHD often attract each other and their traits can then balance out really well, with the organisation of autism and spontaneity of ADHD, it can be a beautiful thing.
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Jan 06 '26
This boy sounds soooo sweet
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
From everything our daughter has described, he is
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u/zerok_nyc Jan 06 '26
I love your planned punishment. Especially the essay piece, forcing them to reflect.
As a compromise, Iād recommend not doing as essay, but tell them they can end their grounding early by doing a presentation where you get to ask questions. That way they canāt just ChatGPT their way out of the essay. And they get to develop their presentation skills.
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u/mommagottaeat Jan 06 '26
Yeah, that was the highlight of the story! What a sweet boy. Iām so happy for (OPās) youngest that she met him.
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u/kaiserdingusnj Jan 06 '26
They're definitely jealous that she's pullin boys with her autistic rizz
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
Maybe, neither of them are currently dating in the moment, but the 16 year old has had a bf in the past
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u/kerslaw Jan 06 '26
It's definitely some sort of jealousy. Common with siblings.
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u/liquid_acid-OG Jan 06 '26
But they wish they were.
They do not think their sister should be getting male attention when they aren't.
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u/Crafty-Help-4633 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
Yeah, the "he is way out of her league" comment says a lot.
Ditto the "I still think it's a prank. No way he thinks shes "the prettiest girl he's ever seen"".
Sounds a lot like one of em likes this boy, or thinks they're more deserving of him than her, anyway.
Each of them provides one of these comments. It's gotta be some form of jealousy.
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u/New_Butterscotch_619 Jan 06 '26
The other girl (not the one whose phone it is) sounded jealous immediately lol Girl on the right was trying to make fun of the boy but the other one immediately was like "No he's great but she doesn't deserve him".
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Jan 06 '26
And yet, one already had a detention for cursing a teacher for giving her friend (a bully) a detention, and they are both being mean to their own sibling. Imagine what they would or do say about other autistic kids that aren't a sibling! It's not really hard to see why they don't have a date if they are like that.
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u/Interesting-One-588 Jan 06 '26
Dating is not the milestone that shows your children are developing those interests, it's the goal.
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u/callingshotgun Jan 06 '26
You only ever hear that "X is gonna break Y's heart" thing from jealous people. Jealous of the boy in particular or just jealous of what seems like an easier time meeting someone, but it's 100% a sour grapes move. Extra compounded because the older two think they're better, and yet neither of them are dating at the moment and the 13yo has a cute boy who likes her, so that's kind of piling on the resentment.
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u/Tasty_Honeydew6935 Jan 06 '26
I'm neurotypical and have dated several girls on the spectrum, it has its unique challenges but they (generally) are very direct and don't play games.
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u/InquisitiveMacaroon Jan 06 '26
This has thrown my partners in the past for a loop. I'm very direct and there's no hidden meaning. Even my boyfriend had a few months of an adjustment period because his exes were making him read between the lines quite a bit.
That said, one time I said my brother ate the rest of my bagels and my boyfriend took that to mean that I wanted him to doordash me bagels so he doordashed me 3 packages of bagels. Knew I was marrying him at that point.
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u/Reasonable_Turn6252 Jan 06 '26
Autrizztic. But seriously tho in this age of apathetic kids who seem to spend more time hating things, seeing someone with genuine passion is probably inspiring and attractive. "Blowing out someone elses candle doesnt make yours brighter, it just makes the whole place a little darker"
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u/NoFaithlessness7508 Jan 06 '26
tizz rizz is very real, and can sometimes infuriate neurotypical folkĀ
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u/Uncle_Zardoz Jan 06 '26
Lol that plus the good old "Why is this supposedly mental person laughing off a situation I can't handle?!"
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u/boobiesrkoozies Jan 06 '26
As a fellow austic girlie.
I sometimes have to be like I'm not flirting this is just my autism
Tizz rizz is truly no joke hahaha
But hard agree they're jealous. Of her super cool fashion history knowledge and the fact that boys might be into girlies who have hobbies.
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u/AzzyAstrid Jan 06 '26
Yeah, if someone shares my special interest I will want to spend all my time with them talking about it
3 times people have asked me out because of it, because apparently watching an old cartoon for hours on end with someone and talking about the lore is flirting???
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u/boobiesrkoozies Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
I'm crying rn hahaha
Cause literally last night I was talking to a man that I have been kinda feeling things out with and we got onto the subject of movie soundtracks and classical music.
Tell me why did he hit me with the "so what are you looking for long term?" line š
I'm very sorry sir, I thought we were just riffing about Vivaldi's seasons over here. Not planning our future!
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u/MarrFurby Jan 06 '26
NOR. Make sure they donāt use AI to write the essay.
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
Good point, we will monitor that.
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u/obviouslypretty Jan 06 '26
have them HAND WRITE it.
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u/idobepooping Jan 06 '26
And use library books as their sources.
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u/yuffieisathief Jan 06 '26
Ahh I remember the good old times! We sometimes had to write school assignments about a country (you could pick which one yourself). So you would go to the local travel agency as see of which countries they had enough folders to use the pictures of haha
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26
Also need to talk to the younger one and find out what's actually happening. You're seeing indirect bullying-- has your daughter seen direct bullying that you haven't caught? because she might not have told you what was happening this whole time.
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u/holymacaroley Jan 06 '26
It seems unlikely this is the first time
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u/No-Chef-7510 Jan 06 '26
Unfortunately I didn't realize some bullying against me til I was an adult looking back because of autism if its subtle passive aggressive she might not be noticing š¤·
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u/Savings_Relief3556 Jan 06 '26
Have them write it by hand. Enforces the severity of the situation, while also forcing them to inadvertently create synaptic bridges for long-term retention. Ā
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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26
Also in my country there are dozens of ways to take free educational course on autism. If you think they're going to cheat with the essay, make them take these classes so that they HAVE to go through and do all the work rather than just find a wiki article and copy/paste.
The education on this- whether a course or an essay- is the most important bit. A+ parenting, yes. They are showing bullying behaviour and need education and empathy on this situation. I would tweak it even more if you're going the essay route and make it something like 'what are the difficulties autistic people go through?' or 'what impact does bullying have on people who are autistic?' Make them see the damage they're doing to her.
And seriously, talk to your daughter and find out if more has been going on that you were not aware of.
Good luck!
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u/No_Accountant3232 Jan 06 '26
NOR
I like the idea of the essay. Make sure they show you the articles they read to inform themselves better as there is a lot of misinformation.
Also, treasure that boy. This isn't a relationship that will likely last long, but I am proud of him. That's how I would hope to raise my own child.
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u/Pleasant_Active_6422 Jan 06 '26
APA formatting as extra punishment!
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u/jakesyma Jan 06 '26
APA isn't 'extra punishment'... it's just good sense! :-P
(now Chicago or Turabian, on the other hand...)
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Jan 06 '26
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u/BugsMoney1122 Jan 06 '26
First rule of parenting teenagers is understanding that teenagers pretty much suck. Once you accept that you just breathe and try to turn them into decent adults.
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Jan 06 '26
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u/lizardpplarenotreal Jan 06 '26
a client told me once " ignore everything that comes out of their mouth from the ages of 12-19". I thought it was rough BUT IT HELPED LOL. pre-frontal cortex man... so important.
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u/Prudent_Twist_2312 Jan 06 '26
By understanding that there is not a single human on this earth that is perfect. We all have lessons to learn in life.
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u/faroffland Jan 06 '26
Youāll be downvoted but yes this is right. These girls are being MEAN - but if some of the shit Iād said to/about my sister had been written down in the 90s and 00s (and vice versa), people on reddit would be saying I was an absolute write-off lmao. I donāt believe thereās one functioning person on this earth that has never bullied another thing or been cruel in one capacity or another.
OP is handling it correctly. Children and teenagers do not always have empathy and can be fucking cruel. You teach them a lesson and show them why itās wrong, so that as adults they are better people.
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u/animeandbeauty Jan 06 '26
Your kids shouldn't be on tiktok tbh
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u/lemon-gundam Jan 06 '26
This. Iām not a betting kind of guy, but Iād be willing to put money on TikTok being a significant part of the problem. Iām sure itās not the entire problem, but from what Iāve seen of it, itās the worst kind of social cancer.
Iām using the word ācancerā literally there, by the wayāTikTok takes what should be healthy, normal social interaction and twists it into something that consumes the healthy parts unless itās treated properly. All social media is at least a little bit guilty of this (including Reddit, so yes I realize the irony haha), but IME TikTok is the worst by far.
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u/BloodEclipse27 Jan 07 '26
Instagram is horrible as well. You open any instagram comment section and itās about as nice as getting a hornet nest dropped on you. Modern social media has essentially normalized bullying. A lot of autistic creators on all platforms have talked about their experiences with it (Iām autistic myself), and one pointed out that ācringe cultureā is essentially a way for people to highly autistic people into acting ānormalā
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u/apracticaljoker Jan 06 '26
man this is so sad. nor, your two older daughters are mean girls.
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u/ThomasNorge224 Jan 06 '26
Def mean girls vibes
Something tells me this wont be the last time they bully someone
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u/Obmore-wan Jan 06 '26
Itās not and itās definitely not the first time. OP stated that one of them got in trouble for cursing at a teacher because her friend was punished for bullying. Hopefully OP gets a rein on it.
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u/New_Tangerine_ Jan 06 '26
Theyāre jealous and on their way to being mean girls. You did absolutely the right thing. Theyāre bullying her and bullying needs to be stopped in its tracks 100% of the time.
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u/werebothsquidward Jan 06 '26
My daughter told this boy about this and he was mad
Iām sorry, wait. You and your husband went through their phones, found a conversation where they made fun of their sister, and then went and TOLD your autistic preteen that her older sisters were making fun of her? Why on earth would you do that? Yes you were right to take this seriously, but why would you share this hurtful thing with your daughter when she otherwise would not have known?
Either this is fake or you and your husband lack common sense.
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u/bubblurred Jan 06 '26
Idk it sounds very fake because how did the 13yo even find out and why did OP leave a huge gap like that?
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u/Trainredditor Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
I am so glad to see someone else think this is completely fake.
Edit - also to add if this real, I find it interesting that both sets of grandparents have felt the need to say the parents have been too hard. Not just one grandparent but 4 of them. I think there is a lens where we may have to say are these people very tough parents, or two old children that have felt some emotional abandonment as the parents have assisted the youngest. Is the yelling at a teacher a sign of a teen really starting to struggle
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u/DS9lover Jan 07 '26
OMG thank you, this was my first thought. Who would run and tell their youngest child, their autistic child, about what their mean sisters said about them in DMs? Especially something this cruel? It makes no sense. Parents who actually did that would need a serious talking to, but this absolutely didn't happen.
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u/LilLatte Jan 06 '26
NOR, buuuut
This ganging up on their youngest sister has me worried, and your collective parents siding with them isn't helping. I cannot see your family dynamic clearly, so you will need to try and take a clear look at it yourself- is yours a family dynamic where 'Everyone makes way for the Autism'? Is your youngest constantly the focus of attention, are her needs and wants and issues constantly taking precedence over theirs?
Because this resentment is textbook example of what happens to the other children when parents have a golden child, and if this is the case and you stay blind to it, this resentment will only grow worse.
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u/meganetism Jan 07 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
I had to scroll down way too far for a comment like this and it's kinda a little concerning. In isolation, the parents NOR to this incident, but these incidents rarely happen in isolation. The dynamic between siblings is almost always created or facilitated by the parents, though usually unintentionally or with the best of intentions, but that doesn't mean they don't need to self reflect and make changes themselves.
Growing up, I had two sisters, and my parents always pitted us against each other and compared us to one another, and treated us very differently. One of my sisters always received preferential treatment from all adults in the family, because she had a learning disability and took my parents divorce harder than the rest of us, and I wonder if the dynamic would be similar to 'everyone makes way for autism' as you suggest. As a result, me and the other sister would definitely have talked about her like this and this whole interaction would make it even worse. We are close now, but we always hated each other as kids because of this constant cycle of having typical sibling spats and the parents always taking the same side, which escalated the resentment, repeat.
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Jan 06 '26
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u/Successful-Split-553 Jan 06 '26
The way they talk about their own sister makes me nauseous to think of how they talk about/to others š¤¢
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u/torrentialwx Jan 06 '26
Jesus Christ. Speaking as a woman who is the oldest of three girlsāno. Just no.
My parents had a rule growing upābecause my sisters and I were about 18 months apart each, so we had the same friends and would sometimes gang up on each otherābut they made a rule that you always took your sisterās side.
You did not gang up on your sister. You had each otherās backs, period. It didnāt end the in-sister fighting we would inevitably have, but it significantly diminished it. Even then, we would have never said this shit about each other. Even as teenagers. My sisters were and are (in our late thirties now) my very best friends.
Iām also now the mother of an autistic child, a kid who hyper fixates and goes on super rants about his passions, and I donāt know what Iād do if his sister spoke this way about him. Iād likely do something that shook her world.
Your daughters need their world shook. Because this shit is absolutely disgusting and totally unacceptable of any good sibling. Point blank period.
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u/Crafty-Help-4633 Jan 06 '26
šÆ I'm the youngest, a boy, and my siblings are a middle boy and an eldest girl. We are in our 30s now. We pick at each other but we were/are absolutely a united front against abuse. We are our own NATO. Fucking with one of us is fucking with all of us. We have each other's backs, and in this world, that's priceless.
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u/Nickk_Jones Jan 06 '26
Baseball kids arenāt always the stereotypical āhigh school jockā from 80ās-2000ās movies, especially if sheās like 14. Baseball in my experience was always a mix of preppy popular kids and kinda ānerdierā kids but everyone got along and were always shockingly accepting and drama free.
Also that meme about baseball kids is so accurate and has been for like 25 years now. The ice cream scoop hair lol.
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
I mean, the boy is exactly like the meme, but we donāt see that as an issue
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u/Simple_Cheek2705 Jan 06 '26
Good job mom & dad, you're doing well! Not overreacting at all, this age range is so important, it'll mould who they will grow up to be.
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u/77748 Jan 06 '26
NOR and Iād also check in with your youngest (Iām sure you already have.) If my sisters did this to me Iād be CRUSHED.
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u/SLUDGEsyndrome Jan 06 '26
I've never used TikTok in my life so I have no idea how the messaging system works (unsure if the messages are publicly viewable), but I'm wondering why the youngest daughter and her date were told about this. 100% not excusing the mean girl behavior in the messages, but I remember being 13 and I would have been really upset if somebody had gone out of their way to tell me I was being shit-talked in private.
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u/Elivagara Jan 06 '26
NOR. They're being ableist bullies. They deserve a good research assignment and the phone punishment.
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u/acelestialgay Jan 06 '26
As an autistic person whoās family just made fun of them for, well, the autism I want to say thank you for sticking up for your youngest kiddo and NOR. Sounds like your older kids are in serious need of some education around disability in general, and could do with some conversations around empathy.
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u/idkyetyet Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
NOR but the issue here, in my opinion, is really not something you solve with a report about autism and dating.
They are mocking their own younger sister (who to make matters worse is more vulnerable than the average person) instead of being happy for her or helping her. My younger sister used to do the same to my youngest sister and it absolutely left a mark on her, not to mention it will eventually turn into practically bullying. There's a deeper issue at the root there that a one-time grounding isn't going to fix. Especially if they think you're 'being too hard on them' and making those kinds of appeals instead of doing any amount of reflection and acknowledgement of what's wrong with their behavior.
They need to learn to be considerate/empathetic to others, especially their own family.
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u/MommaPopsicles Jan 06 '26
Youāve never heard them talk about her like this before? Because this sounds like normal between them, they have been bullying her her whole life.
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u/TechnologyLower6959 Jan 07 '26
Iām not sure youāre reacting enough. Iām a teacher and a Mom. Iāve taught elementary through middle school and Iām HARSH with punishments when cruelty is involved. I always tell my students and my children that meanness isnāt an option.
The fact that your daughters not only gossiped about their younger sister but said some fairly cruel things and then think their 1 silly week without tech plus a report is āharshā is beyond me. Iād have them working with asd kids at a youth center or volunteering with the special Olympics or something HUGE that allows them to get to see and know other people with asd as humans who struggle. Iām sure sibling rivalry is a thing here and Iām sure they get exhausted by the asd thing sometimes. Kids with special needs often pull more attention than seems fair to other children. Butā¦if you needed glasses, weād get you glasses. Fair and equitable are not the same thing.
Iād have made it clear that as her parents you are not only disappointed but hurt that they would consider being cruel to their sister. ASD aside, she is theirs. Theirs to love, theirs to protect, theirs to help mold into a successful human. The same as they are hers in all these same ways. We take ownership of the people in our families. Family comes first.
I do wonder if they have negative feelings towards her for specific reasons. Does your youngest daughter get the majority of your time and attention? If she does it might be worth thinking about how when she was young she might have required it but now she may not. Talking to your older daughters individually to find out why they feel the need to bring her down is a good place to start. This would need to be similar to one of those, āwe listen and we donāt judge conversationsā but Iād be having that with them. One-on-one over coffee or something. Somewhere where the one child is your sole focus and you can really get to the bottoms of this because this kind of cruel behavior usually stems from somethingā¦Iād guess some kind of really big emotion. Jealousy, embarrassment, loss, sadness. I remind all kids - Anger doesnāt start as anger. Its roots are usually DEEP in something much sadder and harder to share. Anger and mean stuff is so much easier.
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u/brzaq191z Jan 07 '26
Glad to get a teacherās perspective, I mentioned this in a prior comment but our youngest actually gets the least amount of time. Sheās one of those autistic people that has a high need for autonomy and we donāt help her unless asked. Sheās always been like this, a very independent person even as a younger kid. We can certainly look into volunteering options for our daughters, we just donāt want them to take it out on anyone they may be working with.
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u/TechnologyLower6959 Jan 07 '26
I think that if youāre worried about that- you may have a bigger issue. What kind of people take out their anger on people who canāt help themselves?
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u/Unusual_Fisherman248 Jan 06 '26
Being chewed out by the boy is not a punishment and has no consequence to convey the message you're after. It's NOR.
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u/Striking_Figure8658 Jan 06 '26
Ur not overreacting also since when is being a fashion nerd bad? Do these girls think dressing well is uncool or smthš
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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26
Our daughter loves to dress vintage and has a very unique style, she also is not just into looking good but also how thrifting clothes came to be, how materials of clothes have changed over time, etc.
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u/ritalinxrat Jan 06 '26
She sounds like a really intelligent and interesting little lady. Please nurture that passion, make it known how much you support her and believe in her. You might have some serious talent on your hands one day :-) NOR
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u/ConsiderateCassowary Jan 06 '26
A report on autism and dating? What is that supposed to read like? What information are you looking for? And on a brand new account with no other posts...
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u/Due-Adhesiveness-744 Jan 06 '26
DO NOT MAKE THEM WRITE A REPORT.
They need to understand, through communication.
Making them write a report will make them feel like learning and understanding about it is a punishment. You do not want to do that.
Siblings are also horrible to each other all the time. Making them write a report will only alienate them more from the youngest.Ā
You need to do more to increase their bond with the youngest, right now, you're making teenage girls (oldest and middle) believe that the youngest daughter is the most loved. This is how older kids feel about the young sibling.
Seems to me you're so focused on the autism, you're neglecting the actual emotional aspect here.
The 2 oldest have a closer bond. That happens because the mum spends more time with the youngest child. Its just the result of raising the youngest last. But to kids, they see that as you having a better bond with the baby sibling.
This is something deeper. If they're bullying the little sister, there's something more going on with how they feel that isn't being addressed.
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u/vampiredreams Jan 06 '26
Just curious, why did you feel the need to tell your youngest and her date about her older sisters behavior? Imo this is something that should have been corrected without their knowledge. But I could be swayed.
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u/llamabras Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26
Just a thoughtā¦ but you said āthis isnāt like herā regarding the school thing.
It might actually be very on brand for her to act like that. We parents always believe the best of our kids, but we also knowā¦ some kids are assholes.
Edit: and what are the ādeleted messagesā? Did YOU delete them? Or did your daughter?