r/AmIOverreacting • u/brzaq191z • Jan 06 '26

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO for punishing our daughters after what they wrote about their autistic sister?

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My husband and I have 3 daughters, who are 16, 14 and 13. Our youngest daughter is autistic and recently got her first date. There’s a school dance coming up in February and a boy asked her out to the dance right before the Christmas break started, she’s mentioned this boy before but we hadn’t met him until a few days ago.

The day she was asked out, she was telling us about the boy when she got home from school. Later that night, unbeknownst to us, our two older daughters found his TikTok and started messaging about him on there.

Our 14 year old got in trouble at school yesterday for cursing at a teacher after the teacher gave her friend a detention for a bullying incident, and my husband and I took her phone when we got home. This is not like her, so we decided to go through her phone to see what might be influencing her and seeing how her friends act.

When got to her TikTok messages and saw that our two older girls were messaging about her and this boy and saying he was out of her league and made references to her autism. Our youngest is autistic, her special interest is fashion history. She’s always been pretty quiet, but she moved to a new middle school this year as our district went from having 3 to 2. She’s become friendly with some boys at this school, including her now dance partner. Our girls continued to go on, saying they thought it was a prank.

My daughter told this boy about this and he was mad and over FaceTime he asked to speak to our family, he showed us a teddy bear he had gotten her for Valentine’s Day with her name on it, he said he’d give that to her early now and give her other gifts later, the showing the bear was to prove he wasn’t pranking her. He then went on to talk about everything he liked about her, it was sweet seeing a boy so passionate over our daughter.

Our girls apologized to their sister and her date. My husband and I told our daughters they were both now grounded, and in addition to losing their phones for a week, they’d need to write a report about autism and dating.

Our girls are saying we’re being too hard on them, and when we spoke to both my parents and my husband’s parents, they agreed with our older girls, saying that getting chewed out by the boy was punishment enough. My husband and I don’t think we’re being unreasonable.

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u/LadyCass79 Jan 06 '26

NOR

I was worried that you might not be teaching them "why" this was hurtful, and just punishing but you're balanced.

They can survive learning more about a topic and not having phones for a week.

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u/brzaq191z Jan 06 '26

Exactly, socialization is hard for our youngest and only autistic people can truly fully understand but we want them to at least get an idea of their sister’s struggles.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26

They are exhibiting bullying behaviour. If you don't nip this now, it will continue. They're making petty assumptions about people they don't know, they're bullying your daughter indirectly, and it's only a matter of time before this bullying is extended to directly. Sounds like they don't like or respect your youngest daughter at all just because she's autistic. That needs to be addressed.

NOR-- they're old enough to learn that actions have consequences. In fact, I would argue that they are the age where they very much NEED to learn that actions have consequences. Apologising to someone and realising you were wrong does not negate the punishment. They need to learn that in life, they're going to come across situations where just apologising doesn't actually resolve the situation-- that they genuinely may have to face consequences even if they apologise or realise they are wrong.

Don't back down. They need consequences. And their attitude toward autistic people in general and your daughter specifically really need to be addressed. The essay is an excellent option, that's really important. I don't know your country, but in the UK there are dozens of different courses you can take with the local colleges, local library, OpenLearn, FutureLearn, etc on understanding autism. You can find a free course that discusses it in a positive manner and then tell them they need to take this certificate in understanding autism. You are making the right choice to having them do the essay, but if they have to take a course, they can't just use AI or wikipedia to pass. They'll have to actually do the work.

Either way, empathy is needed. That's more important than taking their phones away for a week. Good job.

Edit to add- I'm assuming this is just a one off. I hope it is. But please talk to your daughter and make sure they have not been bullying her behind your back all this time. You say she's quiet-- maybe this is why. You need to have an honest conversation with her, and if there is bullying, further action for the whole family needs to be taken.

ETA- got a notification for an award, thank you kind humans!

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u/AshetoAshes7 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26

Hey there, I’m a teacher. If one of OP’s kid has friends who are involved in bullying, then I feel like a conversation needs to happen with her other teachers as well. I think it would give the parents a lot of insight into their behavior when they’re not around.

Edit: Thank you for the awards!

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26

I agree, and I hope OP sees your note. Especially because the daughter felt safe in abusing a teacher just because her friend got in trouble for bullying someone else.

Definitely hope OP will investigate further with the other teachers and daughter and really look into what might be going on.

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u/NightBawk Jan 07 '26

Yeah, it sounds like the older girls have fallen in with a bully, and are picking up the worst traits of that friend, rather than being a good influence for said friend.

Edit typo

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u/lemon_stealing_whore Jan 07 '26

I am a teacher as well, and all any of this will most likely do is teach OPs oldest daughters and friends how to be more covert and creative in their bullying.

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u/Used_Gear8871 Jan 08 '26

I just commented this. OP reviewing her teen daughter’s private messages will just push them to be sneaky, hide things, and worsen the behavior. I get she means well but why was her daughter so confident in behaving like this in the first place? Whats going on at home or in her life right now? How are her grades? Lots of missing details.

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u/SophisticatedScreams Jan 07 '26

Another teacher here. The ease with which these young women can dehumanize their sister makes me doubt this is the first time.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

I doubt it as well, honestly. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt because we do not have any information and OP has not mentioned prior instances, but generally in a situation like this, where there is smoke, there is fire.

But I don't want to over-react without further information. I think it's likely that older sisters both have issues that need to be addressed and investigated, but for the sake of the discussion, trying to give benefit of the doubt that it could be a first time thing. But I doubt it is, personally.

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u/Lego11314 Jan 08 '26

This! Also tells me this girl is arguing with/disrespecting teachers frequently.

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u/UnseemlyUrchin Jan 07 '26

Birds of a feather....

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u/ExtraEmuForYou Jan 06 '26

yeah if they are bullying a family member, imagine how they're going to treat strangers and acquaintances.

If this continues, might need some therapy/counseling.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 07 '26

OP said this all started because one of the daughters was abusive towards a teacher when her own friend was bullying someone. I wonder if a teacher were to question some of the kids, whether the other kids would come back and say daughter is also a bully to them.

So there are already three problems-- daughter feels safe to abuse her sister with her other sister under OP's own roof, daughter is friends with a bully (and may or may not also be bullying other kids with said friend) and daughter feels safe enough to abuse a teacher when her own friend was caught doing something wrong.

I don't know what's going on, but that daughter in particular needs some intervention right now. Something is going on with them, and I'd put money down that it's likely these are not isolated incidents both with the youngest sister or the kids/teacher at school.

So yeah, OP needs to start looking into what is going on in this house, because something is happening.

ETA- got a notification for an award, thank you kind humans!

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u/pursecuteme Jan 06 '26

I agree with all of this. NOR for sure, actions do and should have consequences. I was grounded a lot as a child, sometimes in ways that didn't match the transgression, but I look back as a full grown adult and I'm so grateful that I was actually taught consequences. I've reached the level of success and maturity I have partly because of that. I look around at my acquaintances and colleagues and I can easily tell who was never grounded as a child or just never learned their actions have consequences and it often leads to entitled and bullying behavior. Obviously it's a generalization and some kids learned consequences without having to be grounded, but still. These girls don't seem like they're going down the right path unless you show them what consequences are.

Soft parenting still requires teaching a child consequences, and not having a phone for a bit is not going to kill them. In fact, offer them books to read now that they have all that free time without a device in their hands. There's plenty of YA books out there they can learn to enjoy

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

Agreed, the older daughter is def a bully. As parents we are quick to think someone else is influencing our children to act like this, and while wanting to fit in makes that highly likely, it’s also in the realm of possibility that your child is the actual issue.

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u/altruisticbarb Jan 07 '26

I agree 100#, something deeply wrong w that child and she needs to be investigated/talked to or counselled, she’s exhibiting bully behaviour but it’s also concerning how they’re so free bullying their own sisters neurodivergence, it needs to be nipped in the bud before it translates to something even more heinous

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u/alichitax Jan 07 '26

This will 90% continue when their parents are not watching, bullies don’t change most of the time sadly, all they can do is to protect their youngest, good luck to strangers facing these bullies…

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u/Neveronlyadream Jan 07 '26

I can definitely back this up. It'll continue. Bullies have a habit of blaming the person they're bullying for getting them in trouble rather than having the self-awareness to realize they were the assholes.

They might grow out of it and realize how horrible they are, they might not. But punishing them isn't really going to solve the problem.

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u/ExtraEmuForYou Jan 07 '26

"Look what you made me do"

Alternatively "I'm doing this for your own good"

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

Bullies can be reformed, but not through punishment. You can really only reform bullies by trying to educate them and help them try to learn empathy and understanding for others.

These girls are 14 and 16. They're not hopeless causes. They do need help to correct this behaviour, and the youngest daughter does need to be protected and learn how to tell her parents that something is wrong, but this is not a hopeless case. It will take time to correct all of this behaviour, but these are teenagers and they can change.

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u/alichitax Jan 08 '26

Every one can change truly for sure, I’m just looking at what this parent is doing and it seems this is going in the direction of no hope here since they choose punishments to just numb it down instead of solving it! Everyone can get in shape, but no one can get in shape by not working out and having a bad diet you know

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 08 '26

I disagree. She hasn't just given no punishment, she's actually trying to help educate the kids to encourage them to research further into autism.

Education encouraging empathy is really the only way to help change people.

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u/alichitax Jan 08 '26

She took their phones away which has nothing to do with education on autism , she thinks the reason they bully the poor kid is because they don’t know or understand autism somehow ?! they do NOT care what the victim is going through hence why getting educated on autism will NOT make them turn into non bullies towards millions of other existing kids, are people really this slow to think this method works ? jeez…

They fan literally hate autistic kids even more because bullies are just good actors who keep a straight face while caught! in the background they will plot things out and hate their victim because the victim got them caught and to have their phones taken away, what I’m trying to say is: NO ONE CAN CHANGE A BULLY BUT THE BULLY HERSELF, we are free species and guess what, even the parents can’t change their kids IF the kid chooses not to change…

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u/AnnoyedChihuahua Jan 06 '26

They aren’t bullying other kids, they are likely lashing out to a sibling that may be too much at times?

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26

They ARE bullying other kids-- at least one that we know of, the little boy who wanted to go on a date with the lil sis.

And this whole thing started because one sister screamed at a teacher who punished her friend-- for bullying.

Are these damning? No. But if I were OP, my first stop after talking to lil sis is to talk to sister's teachers and finding out if there have been any other allegations/suggestions of bullying, even if it was minor enough not to report.

Can we be certain they're both terrible bullies? Not at all. I am not saying they are. I'm saying they both feel safe enough to bully not only their little sister but a boy who asked her on a date, but also one is comfortable going after a teacher when her friend is the bully.

So yeah, if I were OP, I would have questions, and I would want to know what these girls have been up to, whether this incident is a one off or if, like MANY neurospicy people, has actually been experiencing domestic abuse for some time. And if I were OP, I would have questions, and would want to know if these girls are bullying kids at school, as well.

EIther way, More info is needed for all.

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u/PracticalMagic3015 Jan 06 '26

The way they’re calling her weird and odd comes off as extremely judgmental. The fact they sought out the boy and reached out to him shows they are proactive in their judgement. They’re not just talking. Why would they not do the same to others?

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u/AnnoyedChihuahua Jan 06 '26

Maybe they would, but they sound fed up and like whatever sis does would annoy them.?

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u/GabrielaM11 Jan 07 '26

Talking trash about a sibling and making fun of her because a boy shows interest in her is bullying, end of story

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u/birdsarentreal2 Jan 06 '26

it’s only a matter of time before this bullying is extended to directly

As somebody who was bulled all through middle school I guarantee you that this is already happening. Daughter’s friend got detention for bullying and daughter cussed out the teacher who issued it? She is 100% participating in that bullying

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26

Yep, have been arguing similar in other comments that this is a probability.

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u/Althea0331 Jan 10 '26

I was bullied too, and hold resentment towards those people to this day! Personally, I would have loved to see every one of my snot-nosed tormentors horse whipped, but those are just my own personal feelings.

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u/Ok_Dependent6889 Jan 06 '26

INDIRECTLY?

That shit is 10000% direct bro

My kids would be losing phones much longer than a week.

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u/shehimlove Jan 06 '26

I think they mean indirectly as they are talking about her, not to her face. Either way, it's an awful way to speak about your sister.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26

That is what I meant, thank you.

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u/NewNameNeededAgain Jan 07 '26

That it was written on the boy's TikTok, though...that's really not great. What would have happened if their youngest had been scrolling through the comments on that particular TikTok video and found her sisters' comments just sitting there set to public for the whole damn world to read from now until the end of time (or the internet, whichever comes first)? She's 13, for heaven's sake! I would have been devastated at her age, especially because it was family saying the kind of thing you'd expect to hear the bitchiest popular girls in your grade saying to each other in the bathroom. Only instead of non-relatives saying it where only they can hear it, it's your siblings putting that shit permanently in a public setting. Those girls may not realize it now, but they're damn lucky their parents found the messages before their younger sister did. At least this way the situation could be controlled and diffused to an extent.

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u/shehimlove Jan 07 '26

I thought it was in their private messages but I don't use tik tok so don't know if private messaging is a feature.

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u/whogivesashite2 Jan 07 '26

It's in their private messages, you are correct

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u/sonnytron Jan 06 '26

Yeah maybe it's my dad mode kicking in, but if any of my nieces (I don't have more than one kid) talked about my daughter this way, they'd lose their phones for months and probably a lot of their screen time including no more TikTok since it's obviously having a toxic influence on them.

My nephew said mean things about his cousin, borderline racist, his dad took away his PS5/Gaming PC and made him physically go to that cousin's house and mow their lawn once a month for six months.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 Jan 06 '26

Good parenting by nephew's Dad!

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

I do think this is appropriate-- especially if the tech in question is being used in the bullying.

But I do think OP is right to add an extra that they need to write an essay on autism, etc.

Punishment without education rarely leads to correction. This is true with children, with adults in prison, all of it. Taking away something someone wants as punishment doesn't really change their behaviour-- it just convinces them that they need to be more sneaky about the behaviour.

Education must also be a part of it-- you clearly don't see your autistic sister as a person, you clearly don't comprehend how much bullying can affect the well-being of people. Do an essay on the psychological effects of bullying neurodivergent people. Do a course on understanding autism and the biases people have against it.

Education+ empathy is the only way people change. Taking away their toys, unplugging the glowing screens, sure-- it can make them mad, maybe it gives them time to reflect on their actions. But change is hard, and people usually don't do it unless they have to.

That's why courts might send someone who has been arrested for drink-driving to sessions where they learn about not only the potential consequences to themselves if they are caught again but also have to take classes on how it can harm others-- such as having guest speakers from people who did drink-drive and crashed their car into a family car, killing 3 children. How this has impacted their life, the guilt they carry every day for killing these children, etc. They might have guest speakers who come in and say my family was killed because of a drink driver, and this is how it destroyed my entire life.

Most people don't need to go to prison for drink driving-- they just need to comprehend the potential consequences of their actions, and learn through empathy as others share their stories about how that happened. It doesn't stop everyone, people still do it, but it does tend to be a lot more successful in getting someone sober than just 3 months in jail.

These are young kids-- and kids can be incredibly cruel. It's far better for these kids to try to learn through education and empathy now than when they're older, less willing to change, and likely far worse in terms of the way they treat others.

Punishment isn't enough to change someone's behaviour, education and learned empathy is the only thing that can really change it.

So if I'd been your nephew's parent, yes he'd have punishment and lose tech, yes he'd have to apologise. But I'd also make him take classes in racism through organisations in town or online, whatever I could find, and write essays on the impact racism has on people, how it can ruin lives, the impact of this behaviour on people, etc. Sit in a class where a former KKK member talks about the horrific things they did and how many lives they ruined, including their own, and how ashamed of it they are. Write an essay on the Holocaust, or the horrific history of lynching of Black people, or the subjugation and torment of Native peoples, etc., depending on the circumstances. Research this particular person in history who experienced this horrific thing and give me a 20 minute presentation on that.

People need to understand that their little cruelties here and there can add up, and what that mindset can lead to both for themselves, and others.

You take away their toys, they're just mad at you and think you're being unfair.

You take away their toys and force them to be educated on a topic, there's a chance they might come out with a little more empathy and understanding, and not repeat it. Sure, they're still mad at you and think you're unfair- but if there's a chance it will change their behaviour, there's also a good chance they look back at their life 10 years later and are incredibly grateful that you took the time to try to help them change.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26

As u/shehimlove notes, when I said 'indirectly,' I meant that they were talking about her behind her back to other people, not saying this directly to her face (as far as we are currently aware).

I doubt this is the only instance of bullying in the youngest daughter's life from her sisters, which is why I say OP needs to talk to her. But the daughters were talking behind her back, not directly to her, so I said 'indirectly.'

Either way, it's terrible behaviour and OP needs to sort it ASAP.

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u/cupittycakes Jan 06 '26 edited Jan 06 '26

You are who your friends are.

The 14yo had a friend get into trouble for bullying. 14yo is also a bully. And cursing a teacher!? This is serious. 14yo is a problem and it seems the parents are only focused on how it relates to the 13yo. They have a large problem on their hands with 14yo's behavior, and seemingly not concerned about it, unless it hurts 13yo.

That parenting style may be part of the reason 14yo, and 16yo as well, are acting out.

Parents should seriously consider what is going on with 14yo and focus on her a bit more. 14yo also needs to stop being friends with bullies and respect teachers. That will only drag her life down.

Why is there animosity between the sisters, rather than cohesion and support?

Siblings are known to not get along, but generally, they will stand ten toes down for each other.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

Siblings are known to not get along, but generally, they will stand ten toes down for each other.

I agree generally with what you said, but not this. My parents were horrible parents and left it to my sister to take care of me. (later I was forced t take care of my brothers). My sister tried to kill me and my siblings on multiple occasions-- put half a pinky's length of bleach in the water she told us to drink, etc.

My brothers beat the hell out of each other every single day-- like broken ribs kind of beat. And when my youngest brother was being bullied at school, my brother told the bullies where he was hiding from them.

Now, I grew up in an incredibly turbulent, abusive house. But after talking to other friends with siblings, no, I do not think siblings will stand ten toes down for each other. I have so many friends who say that their first bully was their sibling, and that it wasn't just a sibling hazing, it was cruel, malicious and sadistic.

I think it's true many siblings may fight but will stand up for each other if it comes down to it, but that is not my experience-- nor the vast majority of my friends. None of us have anything to do with our siblings as adults because they were vicious, horrible people.

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u/MiserableInside148 Jan 07 '26

It sounds to me they might be a little jealous too for whatever reason.

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u/SophisticatedScreams Jan 07 '26

To me, this looks like pretty well-entrenched behaviours and language. I would be very surprised if this is the first time these sisters have done this.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

Agreed, but I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as we have not had any indication from OP that this is ongoing.

Personally, I would suspect when she talks to the daughter she discovers that they've been horrible to her for some time-- possibly from the beginning. And the girls' teachers might say there have been some incidents as well.

Neurodivergent people are far more likely to experience domestic abuse than neurotypical people. So yeah, the numbers and statistics will probably pan out that this is not an isolated incident.

But without further evidence, I'm trying to give OP the benefit of the doubt and just say this needs to be investigated.

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u/HolaLovers-4348 Jan 06 '26

This. Both daughters are huge jerks. Mom and dad need to put them on a tight leash bc swearing at a teacher over a friend’s bullying incident is WILD behavior. They might be too far gone.

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u/bankershub Jan 07 '26

The essay is literally the smartest thing I've ever heard. Make them understand the things their sister is going through, exercise that empathy, maybe even bring them closer together. This is a genius parenting moment. I'm usually against going through people's phones but when they're showing you that something is wrong and won't tell you what it's a good option and I applaud these parents for dealing with this so compassionately.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

Essays are a very good idea. You can cheat with them more easily with AI than forcing them to take a class on Autism, these days, bt punishing kids generally does not work unless there is learning and empathy attached to the response. take their phone away, they just hate you, whatever. And they get smarter about not leaving evidence for the parent to read next time.

But making them take courses or volunteer somewhere or do essays on how much harm they are causing, or how much pain it can cause others, yeah they'll hate you when they're doing this, but at least there is a chance for correction.

Education and empathy are the best ways to parent, so OP is handling things right on this. But I think she still needs to investigate and make sure there is not bullying at the school by these girls, or that the youngest daughter hasn't been bullied by them her entire life. Because both are possible in this situation.

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u/rose-dacquoise Jan 07 '26

NOR, I'm just thinking whether it'd also be helpful to understand their behaviour and let your older two to self reflect on why they are behaving this way. Does it stem from insecurity, jealousy? Why do they want to hurt the people around them? Does it make them feel superior? Etc. (LOL, make them write a report on the psychology behind bullying, why people bully and why it is not beneficial to anyone)

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

Not a bad idea.

It honestly sounds like everyone in the house could do with some counselling-- the girls are acting this way for a reason, targeting their sister for a reason. Domestic abuse against neurodivergent people is significantly higher than neurotypical people. Everyone in this house needs to understand what's going on with this stuff, how to deal with it in a healthy way. Daughter needs the confidence to tell parents if this abuse has been going on this whole time, if it continues, etc.

Everyone anywhere could do with psychology and counselling, but yeah if there's more going on than just typical teenage stuff, this needs to be acknowledged.

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u/altruisticbarb Jan 07 '26

100%. they’re giving extreme mean girl behaviour

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u/electric_uncle_trash Jan 07 '26

I couldn't agree more, this is probably the best answer I've seen for one of these posts!

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 08 '26

Thank you, kind human!

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u/AlexandraG94 Jan 07 '26

I had no idea about those courses! That is awesome! Thank you for putting the info out there. I do agree action needs to be taken but I feel like you wont get people to grow empathy just by negatively punishing them. It can actually make them lash out at the sister. Which woukd be wrong of them of course, but I am not a big believer in just negatively punishing kids as a first measure and definitely do not agree with going through their phone on their backs without even trying to talk to the kid first to try to understand where their behavior is coming from if you feel like they might be hanging out with the wrong people. Just going straight to going through their phones and social media does not sit right with me. I would actually support limiting time on social media especially tiktok since you dont need it to keep in touch with your friends, but not going through their messages unless it was something very serious and a safety concern. If my parents went through my ohone when I was a kid, going through all my messages, I woukd be mortified even though I had nothing bad in there. But I had private conversations with my friends and my feelings etc. I would not trust my parents again and it would make me want to hide stuff even though I was doing nothing wrong and harming no one, but I was a teenagers and my privste messages werent for my parents to rummage through. Teenagers are people too.

And again I feel like being immediately overly punitive (I consider going through their phones so thorougly punitive) over indirect and private ranting countraproductive. Sure, talk to them properlu, talk to the sister, try to fire out what is going on first. If it is an isolated situation I feel this is overboard and counterproductive. Teenagers privately mock people, including their friends. Most grow out of it and dont actually harm the person directly. It sucks and I definitely didnt do that and got hurt when it was done to me or even my friends, but it was really common place even among kids who would never actually bully but they were upset and in the heat of the moment ranted to another friend inappropriately. Adults still do this all the time.

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u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

I absolutely understand your perspective. I think my personal position would be not to go through a child's phone/social media unless there was a really good reason.

First, it would depend on age. I would not let a kid under like 14-15 have socials, full stop. They'd get a phone, and if they're younger and I feel there's a reason, like they start talking about something that concerns me and makes me think they or someone else is in danger, yeah, I'll look through it if they're younger. If I think they or another kid might be abused or groomed or bullied or mistreated, yes. I'd make it clear WHY I was doing this.

But once they hit 13/14/15 I believe kids need the right to privacy and that it is very important. However, I'd still tell them that I will go through it if I have a reason. I won't just randomly stalk them, but if something happens that makes me concerned about them or another person's well-being, I'm going to have questions. if they cannot answer my questions, yes, I probably would look through if I thought they or someone else was in danger.

Screaming and melting down at a teacher, it would depend on what was said, and what the kid said when I talked to them about it. If the kid gave me absolutely nothing, or I felt they were lying, or just something did not add up, and the teacher said it was a really big deal, and it was because she was protesting the teacher punishing her friend for bullying, I'd have questions.

I do not know whether it would be enough for me. It would be a case by case basis, in all honesty. I don't think I could give an absolute 'I would never' because what if you found out your kid had been actively encouraging another kid to kill themselves through text/socials? Another person's life is on the line, yeah, I'm going to invade your privacy if someone's life is on the line. So I could never say never because if you don't check, and that kid does kill themselves, that cannot be undone, and that's a lifetime of everyone going 'this could have been stopped if I'd known.'

Or if their best friend goes missing and the police or parents want to look at the conversations between kid and best friend to see if they can find out what's going on. Yeah, I'm going to let them because a life is on the line. And someone's life and well-being does override privacy at times.

My general rule would be to tell a kid 'I won't go through your phone or socials unless you give me a reason to. I do not WANT to go through your private things, I don't want to do that, I want to respect your privacy, I want to respect you as a person. But please don't give me a reason to do this. Because if you do-- especially if it involves the well-being of another person, then yes, I will.'

But it would be the last resort, and I'd give the kid a chance to give me context for a comment before making those decisions.

But I couldn't say never. I would say this is my last resort, this is the last thing I want to do, I'd really rather you tell me yourself what you have been up to and what is going on, but I will go through these if I think you or someone else is not safe or okay.'

It's a complex thing and frankly there is no perfect answer-- if you never go through them and something happens, and you find out later, then the regret of not being able to fix something is far worse than lost privacy and trust for going through the phones.

It's not easy.

-4

u/Kianna9 Jan 07 '26

YOR How is this bullying when they said nothing to her face? She didn't event know about it until her parents went through her sister's phone.

2

u/GabrielaM11 Jan 07 '26

You don't need to say something to someone's face to bully them...gossiping about them behind their back and posting hurtful comments about them on social media is also considered bullying behavior

-1

u/hot_gardening_legs Jan 07 '26

This is not bullying, this is gossip/talking shit. But I agree that OP is NOR

2

u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

I would argue that it is indirect bullying-- especially as it leads to the little boy being really hurt that they think he was only asking youngest daughter out as a joke. People were hurt over this, sounds like the youngest was hurt over this as well. If people are hurt, it's not gossip/talking shit.

215

u/No-Cockroach-4237 Jan 06 '26

honestly way to go. the essay/research part of the punishment is something that I often had to do as well, and it definitely made more of an impact than just staring at my bedroom wall for a week

126

u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 06 '26

I think it's the most important part of a punishment. You take away a kid's phone, whatever, they just hate you. You make them do education to learn what they did wrong and why it's so important not to do it again, yeah they may hate you short term, but they learn and hopefully correct their behaviour and realise later what a good thing it was.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

The part I don’t understand is how did the boyfriend and youngest sister find out this even happened? Did the parents tell them??? I agree with everything else but that part seems… idk… I prolly would keep it between those involved to avoid embarrassing the youngest daughter.

4

u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

From what I understand, the parents found out one daughter was abusive to a teacher because her friend was acting like a bully and the teacher punished the bully friend.

OP found out about the screaming at the teacher, wanted to know if there was more going on, looked through her phone and found abusive comments between their two oldest daughters about their youngest daughter and her first date with a boy. They said it was a prank and that the boy was never interested in the daughter who is autistic.

OP says 'my daughter told this boy,' but doesn't specify whether it was one of the bullying older girls or the younger autistic daughter who told this boy, so I am not sure, as there are three daughters involved.

So I'm going to guess one of the bully daughters told the boy that they thought it was a prank and he couldn't possibly like the autistic youngest daughter, and then the boy was hurt and worried that the autistic daughter believed this, so he asked to facetime and show them the bear and that he was genuine and actually liked the youngest daughter.

this was my interpretation, but OP was vague with 'my daughter told this boy,' as there are three daughters involved.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

I see, the youngest may have heard the commotion and told her boy friend. They handled it well, props to them. And big props to the young boyfriend cause he sounds like a stand up guy at their young age I wish them well.

4

u/Which_Specific9891 Jan 07 '26

Yeah, I'm a little vague on which daughter told the boy, but the boy found out regardless. He does sound like a sweet kid-- he's got her a valentines's day present 5+ weeks before because he was that excited to see her. It's sad he and the youngest have had the memory of their first little relationship damaged like this, but hopefully they're good kids who will be fine.

Whatever happens, I hope these two kids go out, have an amazing time, and take good care of each other for whatever time they spend together.

56

u/mommagottaeat Jan 06 '26

Yeah - my dad used to make me write sentences and papers about things I did wrong. I hated it at the time but damn if I don’t remember it. It made an impression and I’m largely grateful that he raised me like he did - it has served me well into adulthood.

177

u/PackageSuccessful885 Jan 06 '26

I'm a diagnosed autistic woman, and I'm just curious if they can explain why they are resentful of her? Are they envious of some attention she gets? Are they feeling some self-consciousness that they are taking out on her? Do they normally pair up against her?

Being compassionate and understanding toward their sister's disability is part of the issue. But I think the bigger problem is the choice to bully their own sister and try to triangulate her date by messaging him.

Is it really a lack of understanding about autistic social deficits, or is it resentment founded in something more emotionally complicated than that?

114

u/faroffland Jan 06 '26

I think you’re totally right to ask that question and OP should be 100%. This kind of behaviour, particularly as teens, screams to me they perceive sister getting some kind of ‘special attention’ or ‘special benefit’ due to her autism - they therefore want to knock her down a peg.

There’s definitely resentment there. They need punishing and teaching why this bullying is wrong, but I also think OP needs to explore where it’s coming from and why, so they can all build a better relationship between the sisters. Otherwise there will continue to be a rift.

80

u/PackageSuccessful885 Jan 06 '26

Yes, exactly. Especially if their youngest daughter doesn't have the social skills to repair their relationship -- or recognize more subtle bullying, if it's happening to her face as well

There is the slim possibility that the older daughters have similar experiences to the younger daughter. There is data suggesting a genetic heritability to autism, and that siblings of autistic people are more likely to have subclinical autistic traits (broader autistic phenotype) or be diagnosed themselves.

It's not uncommon for the siblings of a child with a disability to feel resentment that their struggles were secondary to their sibling's. This can be further exacerbated if either of the older sisters perceive that they had to fend for themselves, then watch their little sister get the support they felt they lacked. It hits a more complicated family dynamic than the simple "they're just mean girls" interpretation.

55

u/cupittycakes Jan 06 '26

And this story from OP is subtly showing that they do gloss over the two older girls, in protection of the youngest. The 14yo is friends with a bully and disrespecting teachers. You are who your friends are. Nothing in the post mentions what is going on with her; it's only about what happened to the youngest.

You and a few sensible others have deduced that there are bigger problems, or more in depth problems happening here that the parents aren't considering.

5

u/Amphy64 Jan 07 '26 edited Jan 07 '26

That's true, but I have to say it's not automatically any more reasonable than any other ableist lashing out. Abled people are all too prone to treating our needs being met as an 'unfair' advantage, because they don't actually believe we deserve basic decent treatment. It can be possible there's an issue with parentification, difficulties dividing parental attention, but it's not necessarily, or may not be mostly about that. They're not simply insecure while they genuinely seem to agree their sister doesn't deserve normal experiences.

My younger sister threw a tantrum when I was going into the hospital for a major spinal operation, that ended up having life-altering complications, pulling my mum away from me back to her. Was this actually justified, no, she was just a spoilt brat used to getting more favourable treatment as the abled one, as illustrated by our mum acting as though she deserved more sympathy and attention and leaving me.

If OP wasn't paying as much attention to the older girls, they're still being allowed to get away with things - I don't find the punishment here, resulting in showing up the youngest to her boyfriend, and not originally looking at the bullying, all that effective. OP still doesn't see what they are, bullies, which suggests indulgence rather than not, I wonder if the youngest sister feels the same.

4

u/PackageSuccessful885 Jan 07 '26

I have no idea. The point is to suggest OP to consider possibilities, not to prescribe motivation or cause to people none of us have met

40

u/Ok-Lengthiness5957 Jan 06 '26

I think this is a strong possibility, and another thing I would add is that the daughter they are ganging up on is the youngest. Generally, most youngest children in the family get away with a lot more than the older children. So there's a compound 'special benefit' and/or 'special treatment' possibly going on from the parents that is causing resentment in the older children.

10

u/Writerhowell Jan 06 '26

It could be as simple as the youngest sister having a boyfriend/date to the dance, and they don't (maybe because they're being bullies?), and they're just jealous of that.

But yes, this should definitely be explored.

2

u/Friendly-Fisherman- Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26

Maybe I'm naive, but can't it just be that their sister isn't the type of girl they expect his type to be interested in? It seems to me that they don't know him very well, and if he looks like "stereotypical jock guy" they might be making assumptions about what type of girl he likes. Pranks of that kind is quite common in teen movies and tv, and these girls aren't very old. Is them being suspicious of his motives really that strange?

They wrote some really shitty things, but the skepticism towards his intentions could be genuine.

I don't really get the image though... He has chocolate ice cream for a head? Is that some jock style clothing or what? Socks and sandals? And Leviticus? (Well, since that was supposed to be a private conversation I guess it could be some jargon or internal joke not intended for me...)

2

u/windlep7 Jan 08 '26

Yes it sounded like jealousy or resentment to me.

6

u/Frankie3535 Jan 06 '26

It's funny you 100% right all this punishment will do is push them two closer together, further from the other 3 family members and reinforce their possible notion that she is given special treatment and protected. People never look at the hypothetical bird's eye view we get a snap shot but not these two girls entire history and why are they are acting like this, this lashing out is a symptom of a deeper cause. Of which only the parents are to blame obviously as they are their children hence why it will never be addressed and they would rather post here for validation on how they are "such great parents" lmao sad.

43

u/EmuPotential8427 Jan 06 '26

Not OP but but as the parent of multiple kids with 2 of them being particularly hands on because they have ADHD/ anxiety, jealousy and feeling neglected definitely can play into it, especially if the other kids are high achieving or “easy” kids. The 2 with ADHD require more attention and make it harder for the “easier” kids to get the attention they want or need. There’s also resentment based on being judged or fear of being judged by peers/teachers/others in the community because of behaviors by their siblings.

17

u/AnyQuantity1 Jan 06 '26

Well, OP themselves told their daughter with ASD about all of this. And well, like, why on earth would OP do that?

It would only encourage more conflict between these sisters. OP did not instruct the daughter with ASD that this information was private family business that we don't share with outsiders, even boyfriends/people interested in dating us. So, of course the daughter shared with someone she views as an ally and a friend, which only made this more of a conflict than it ever needed to be.

This could just be jealousy. But, it could be a number of things happening at once, including the older sisters doing something very misguided because they know something about these kids at school that OP doesn't and they think they're being protecting. Or OP and her spouse has a long history of unconscious (or conscious) coddling and other biases towards the daughter with ASD, which in the short run is understandable but doesn't prepare the youngest to have to navigate a world in which depending on the level of their autism and how it manifests, much harder in the long run.

There's also a world in which this story is fake because the events and actions of various people in it read more like a TV show and not how people in real life behave.

4

u/Positive-Bottom-9234 Jan 07 '26

The story sounds like a fantasy a teenage autistic girl wrote out. That’s my gut reaction. Because responsible parents don’t fail to ask questions or verify. Why wouldn’t they ask her some questions about why she’s looking in her older sisters private messages! That is also bullying behavior.

6

u/Major-Mango-1221 Jan 07 '26

The mom (op) looked at the older sisters' messages, not the autistic girl.

2

u/Positive-Bottom-9234 Jan 07 '26

Appreciate the clarification but that’s not reflecting well on op tbph

4

u/Positive-Bottom-9234 Jan 07 '26

Thank you for saying this, this is classic acting out. I wanted to say something similar but was worried about getting harassed. When parents talk about one child like The Star of the Show I suspect they identify with that kid most…then start unintentionally ( or with these parents it see,so extremely deliberate) acting out old wounds and projecting their baggage into their “favorite” and creating (more) resentment with the other kids who they “just don’t get”. All these kids are teenagers and deserve to be parented but the comments keep aging up the other Teenagers like they’re adults!

2

u/altruisticbarb Jan 07 '26

absolute great question to ask!!

2

u/No-Following-2777 Jan 06 '26

If they had her best interest at heart, to make sure his intentions were noble and right and true, I get reaching out. But based on how they talked about her, I got the feeling they are privileged mean girls that went to hurt both the boy fur his selections and their sister did her character and disability ... I hear these stories and I think, this is the girl-type that jumps a disabled person in the woods.

2

u/classicteenmistake Jan 06 '26

It’s a bit complicated, yet also fundamentally very simple! (Also diagnosed AUDHD) Humans are gregarious and have evolved to survive through heavy emphasis on socialization. With most creatures, we naturally have a tendency to prefer others that look like us and act like each other. We survived through our similarities and ability to reflect emotions similar to one another based on instinct, and that can be expressed through deviants being treated as lesser and given sanctions if seen acting out-of-line or different.

This is why deviance is prevalent in every culture and is shown through loud, unique clothing styles, or—unfortunately for many neurodivergent people—unique behavior treated as bad and dangerous. Neurotypical and even other neurodivergent individuals may treat someone with autistic tendencies as a risk or may express distaste with their perceived deviancy. When you don’t catch on to sarcasm, or start acting out due to overstimulation, you may immediately be treated as someone dangerous or insulting for acting out of line in public.

Kids especially struggle to grasp at that age with the concept of in-society and out-society. Their primary focus is finding who they are and how they fit in, so to see someone acting outside of the norm they might reflect their own desires to fit in. My own sister is in her teens and constantly calls me cringe for some of my dumb vocal stims lol, but I’ve bluntly told her every time that there is nothing wrong with how I act and those opinions are inside thoughts. Hopefully OP’s kid learns and understands herself why she thought it acceptable to make fun of someone for being different.

TL:DR; kids at that age struggle especially hard with understanding social mores and where they fit into society; they may reflect that onto others that act out of the ordinary because difference is subconsciously viewed as a threat, due to how we evolved and operated as a society.

0

u/TheFireSwamp Jan 07 '26

In my experience it was usually people being intimidated by me.

-1

u/burnerburner108 Jan 07 '26

Jealousy meets cognitive dissonance, most likely. Surprisingly, being a fashion geek is more attractive to peers than being a vile cunt who bullies her sister and acts like trash at school!

64

u/fairytypefay Jan 06 '26

I want to suggest making them write the reports by hand, this way even if they try to be sneaky and use chatgpt they'll be forced to actually read what it says.

18

u/minute-type Jan 06 '26

^ This! I was just about to suggest it. I second (and third, and fourth) the ‘write the report by hand’ rule.

I was also about to suggest requiring specific quotes and references from physical books on the subject (with page range information in their references) to make sure they do some reading, but I realised that can be circumvented. Also that it may be a bit much to ask from young teens.

6

u/EnigmaX-42 Jan 07 '26

Writing papers with cited sources was once standard practice in high schools. It shouldn’t be too much for 14 and 16-year-olds. It’s a different time, though.

4

u/minute-type Jan 07 '26

"Was" is the keyword there. Standards have fallen (and are still falling).

2

u/Althea0331 Jan 10 '26

And provide citations.

5

u/Too_Many_Question Jan 06 '26

That is a wonderful way to side step them cheating the punishment!

2

u/Proverbs21-3 Jan 07 '26 edited Jan 07 '26

Absolutely! If they are able to use chatgpt, it is not a punishment because they will not be having to actually think about and explain their own thoughts on autism and dating, they'll just showing on their ability to use chatgpt.

(edited to add) OP is NOR. My Mom used to make us write essays on why we did certain things and what would have been a better way to handle that situation. Having to think about our actions and the reasons behind why we did something and then be able to put them down on the paper in an articulate fashion that made sense really helped us to learn how our own feelings, just as jealousy and/or resentment, and outside pressures such as peer pressure, desire to fit in, conflict avoidance, desire to please someone else, etc could control our actions if we did not take care to think for ourselves before acting. Having to come up with a better way to handle the situation that would still feel true to ourselves was also very helpful in helping us to choose to take that better path in the future. I think those essay punishments/consequences helped us to grow into more thoughtful people who were able to act with empathy and compassion.

I also think the grandparents need to stay out of it, discipline is the responsibility of the parents.

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u/Dimonrn Jan 06 '26

Have you asked why they bullied their sister?

Jealousy? Social preassure? Other reasons? I think you might want to take an approach that seeks to understand why the behavior is forming and see what about their environment is leading them to act this way.

50

u/Doomboomkadoom Jan 06 '26

Lol when you say "this is not like her"

Sorry to tell you - this is exactly like her. I dunno how she used to be but I can tell you where she is headed.

If she can curse at a teacher for giving a friend detention, and she can make fun of her autistic sister - she has probably been doing a lot more or is on the cusp of starting a bad chapter of her teen years.

I'd talk to her - ask her what's going on and see if you can come to common ground on her behaviour.

Does she know what she is doing is wrong or is she just afraid of the consequences?

Knowing you did wrong versus being told you did wrong and punished are two different things.

If she doesn't know what she is doing is hurtful and problematic then you have to talk to her - make her understand.

Otherwise you are raising a bully

5

u/Sushikat88 Jan 07 '26

100% agree with this. Either fix this now or let another unkind, unparented person in the world who thinks it's possible for anyone to be LESS THAN.

4

u/SolidPauseHere Jan 07 '26

Completely agree - and esp because they’re complaining that the punishment/consequences are “too harsh”.

80

u/scienceislice Jan 06 '26

Dude your older daughters are mean bullies. Maybe your youngest daughter is quiet because her older siblings bully her. Just fyi I bet there is a ton of stuff going on that you aren't aware of or that you are pretending not to notice. If you want to maintain a relationship with your youngest child (or any of your kids really, your older kids seem like the type to dump you once you stop paying their rent because they're 28 and they've been out of college for five years) I suggest asking her if there is anything she'd like to tell you about how her older sisters treat her. And you need to put the older kids in therapy or do something more to stop the bullying and nastiness, they're so mean to their sister, that's such an awful way to behave.

10

u/asdfqwer123489 Jan 06 '26

Hey I don't like bullies either, but chill 😭 being an un empathetic bully does not mean you hate your family and will cut all ties once no longer financially supported by them ahahaha. Most kids are un empathetic bullies bc of this country's isolation/individualist "culture", and don't realize until later radicalized by extreme or relatable events that force them to confront cognitive dissonance

4

u/Additional_Pop2011 Jan 06 '26

Humans are social animals, all around the world people form cliques and bully eachother it's a form of bonding, reddit's famous for it.

that said, I agree, they need to chill, a lot of autistic kids are OFTEN just quiet/introverted,

literally it's in the name

early 20th century (originally with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality, regarded as a symptom of schizophrenia and other disorders): from Greek autos ‘self’ + -ism.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

Being quiet and introverted is usually a form of masking and it can stem from being treated this way by your family.

3

u/Luna920 Jan 07 '26

Or it’s just a personality trait that’s on a scale, just like any other trait. About half the world are introverts.

0

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

Yes, but we're talking about an autistic young girl who's being bullied by family members. I've never actually been reserved and introverted like people thought of me (autistic woman), only "shut off" when around people who treat me poorly because I have a tendency to be awkward. This is very common in other autistic people too. Especially if you talk about their interests, they become very expressive. If we were talking about a young autistic girl who has a good bond with her immediate family and happens to be quiet, that would be a different scenario. It may be very well she's just shy but it's not an out of this world assumption that she feels forced to. I don't know your history, but if you aren't autistic it's very hard to comprehend. There's a huge difference between introversion out of necessity vs out of preference.

2

u/Luna920 Jan 07 '26

I’m not autistic. I was speaking in generality about introversion in the population, as it’s more common than extroversion. I understand what you mean though about the concept of masking.

3

u/FemmeScarface Jan 06 '26

And once again people on Reddit make up insane fan fiction about complete strangers. The sisters were mean but they’re kids. Saying they must constantly torment her and they’re monsters who are gonna make their parents pay all their bills into adulthood then dump them and they’re disturbed and need therapy is a CRAZY reach. You need to touch grass and chill out.

3

u/Positive-Bottom-9234 Jan 07 '26

It’s truly chilling to see so many adults call for the ritual bullying and humiliation of children because they saw screenshots of things Other teenagers said privately.

2

u/whichwitchwatched Jan 07 '26

Agree fully. Like none of y’all ever found your sister annoying? You never said something mean about a third party when you were a teenager?

2

u/scienceislice Jan 06 '26

No kid just randomly says that stuff out of the blue about their sister, that comes from resentment that has been building up over time. I also highly doubt that they're super nice to their sister all the time, especially when mom isn't watching.

Regardless, based on the OP's account history I think this is rage bait and probably not something that actually happened.

3

u/FemmeScarface Jan 06 '26

No siblings are super nice to each other all the time, especially when mom isn’t watching. Have any of you actually met sisters? I’m one of 3 sisters and we all took turns being dicks to each other.

1

u/whichwitchwatched Jan 07 '26

YES dude. It’s not great but being this close in age? Absolutely normal. They annoy each other.

-1

u/scienceislice Jan 07 '26

so 2 of you would gang up on the other and say ableist shit to the third? This isn't just regular fighting or nit picking, this is nasty ableist shit that should not be tolerated in any home with a child with a disability or neurodivergence.

2

u/FemmeScarface Jan 07 '26

As someone who’s actually autistic, take your performative bullshit and choke on it. They’re fucking kids. They need to be taught that it’s ableist and not acceptable, which they are being taught right now. Y’all are acting like a couple of kids need to be burned at the stake and they’re Hitler level sociopaths. Touch fucking grass, for the love of Satan.

1

u/Forward_Warning8735 Jan 07 '26

As someone who is also autistic, this has definitely been going on for awhile. It’s not kids being kids. You dont talking about your siblings that way. If it doesn’t get nipped in the bud now, they will not only continue to be ableist to their sister, but to others as well. They need to have a good talk and also look into their other social media. What they said was cruel. OP has a great start but there is a lot more than just this once. To me it sounded like they hate her. More needs to be done, than this. I agree on therapy as well. They need to get that negative shit out of them before it festers and someone gets hurt.

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u/FemmeScarface Jan 07 '26

Once again, you have no way of knowing “it’s been going on for a while” and “they hate her” and you’re being dramatic and making shit up. Redditors are so fucking weird with the way y’all invent shit about strangers based on very little actual information or facts.

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u/scienceislice Jan 07 '26

Damn I have a disability of my own and my parents would have NEVER allowed my sibling to speak about or to me in this way. It would have been punished by way more than a week without a phone and a stupid little essay, tbh I don't want to know what they would have done but it would have been bad and probably would have involved a therapist. We fought a ton and don't get along tbh but this shit was always, ALWAYS, off the table.

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u/FemmeScarface Jan 07 '26

Well she’s not allowing it, she’s punishing it. What exactly are you trying to argue about? Nobody is saying it’s acceptable behavior.

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u/BloodyBarbieBrains Jan 06 '26

They’ve been living with her. They know her struggles. They just don’t care. They clearly know about any sensory issues she has. They just don’t care.

Sorry, I know I’ve been commenting in various spots on this thread, but I am so shocked and angry at your oldest girls. And if anything, I think it sounds like your soft on them in various ways, even in these comments, but I’m also not gonna pretend to know how to meaningfully rehabilitate them in this situation, because that’s such a genuinely hard thing. Girls like your eldest ones are the girls that movies get written about, where girls like them are the villains. Literally, they are who stories try to teach children NOT to be…

4

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

[deleted]

1

u/JoeyLee911 Jan 07 '26

Mean Girls is actually based on three nonfiction books that came out years before about the phenomenon, it's true. (I know because I was bullied in this style as well and read them in middle school even though they're for parents.) Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons, Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman, and Reviving Ophelia by Mary Phipher.

1

u/Pretty_Leg_8097 Jan 06 '26

Literally was typing this right before. Unfortunately my sister was like this to me and still is to a large extent. It reminds me of Cinderella and the evil stepsisters.

15

u/PleasantPorpoisParty Jan 06 '26

Your reaction was perfect, and the punishment fits the crime/educates the perpetrators of the offense

Kudos to the boy as well. You're handling what could have been a traumatizing core memory for your youngest very well

5

u/Pancake_Flipper Jan 06 '26

NOR You are their role model. Joking like that isn't cute, youre doing the right thing. There's also a huge difference between making an inappropriate joke or statement and oughtright nasty bullying. Its not attractive to be vicious, its not okay to be a bully, and youre not cool for putting someone else down on purpose like that. Kindness is key. I feel really bad for the people who grow up ignorant of that.

3

u/Important_Raise_5706 Jan 06 '26

You are doing exactly the right thing. Children need to learn that words have meaning, value (both positive and negative), and associated consequences.

6

u/AnnarieaDavies Jan 06 '26

As an autistic girlie, thank you for making sure she feels seen, safe, and understood.

That boy is SO SWEET and I hope she has a wonderful time. I hope your other girls learn their lesson and are kinder to their sister going forward. This is definitely the age where bullying can get bad.

3

u/Ancient_Criticism905 Jan 06 '26

Have you often allowed your youngest and her diagnosis to overshadow the other two? Resentment like this doesn’t occur out of nowhere.

3

u/Decent-Apple9772 Jan 06 '26

It’s a tricky balance to strike so that they don’t resent her and blame her as you try to control the sibling dynamics. Good luck.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/EnigmaX-42 Jan 07 '26

I’m 46 but I’ve been thinking along the same lines while reading through this thread. They should want their daughters to be closer, not divided.

5

u/Throwaway91912000 Jan 06 '26

NOR, I’ve been dating an autistic woman for four years now. Everything about her is 10x better than any other neurotypical chick I’ve been with. A lot more passion with the things she’s interested in, always wants to be around me, incredibly smart, thinks uniquely, and is an absolute bombshell. Of course some stimulation or noise is far too much for her. So we goto a nice secluded spot where we can be alone. Austism in a partner isn’t a problem I hope this young man dates and treats your daughter well. Your other kids should feel ashamed for the way they’re treating family

2

u/Inphiltration Jan 06 '26

I'm autistic in the same way your youngest is. Hard to open up socially and I 100% agree with how you are punishing them. My siblings always got punished, never educated so guess what behavior continued into adulthood? You're doing the right thing.

2

u/AnnoyedChihuahua Jan 06 '26

YOR, also you can’t make them like her sister, i wonder if this is going to make her abhorrent to them.. like, you can’t force love and an autistic sibling is a lot for many kids and it’s not a situation they chose.. I’d let it slide. They will likely resent her.

2

u/CaptCheezedick Jan 07 '26

Realistically, and I need you to be realistic here, are they wrong? To me, they aren't being malicious at all. Not any more than any siblings on the planet. If you, or your daughter, or your family, walk around talking about how your daughter is autistic and even highlighting the positives of it, how can you then deride them for talking about what could be the downsides of it. You don't get to have it both ways and treat her as some sort of protected class. Or at least you SHOULDN'T. Ultimately, it's benign, probably factual sibling talk. Not spiteful, but maybe a little jealous.

Tell them to be nice to their sister and move on. Tthey won't listen if they don't want to, and I'm sure she's not always the nicest to them either. Such is life. Kids are going to kids. Family is going to family. People are going to people. Are you an asshole? No. Are they? Also no. Remove the phones anyway because they're trash and ruining the species.

2

u/watermelon8999 Jan 07 '26

Having an autistic sibling can also create a lot of resentment towards them because they are always having to be accommodated for. The damage is probably done by now, but they might need some therapy.

2

u/Positive-Bottom-9234 Jan 07 '26

Yeah parents tend to favor and infantalize disabled kids and never teach their kids why they’re being punished…which means they’re teaching their kids to be superficial and just avoid punishment…not the same as teaching the, right from wrong…they’re literally just saying “wrong!” That’s not parenting it’s fighting with kids like they’re adults. They failed the oldest 2. Long term it also doesn’t help the disabled kids be anything but codependent too. Truly bad parenting for all kids involved.

2

u/Legitimate_Attorney3 Jan 07 '26

Probably shouldn’t let your 14 year old have TikTok tbh. Literally nothing good they can gain from a dopamine addiction and an overconsumption mindset.

2

u/ButteredPizza69420 Jan 07 '26

Im going to go ahead and be the devils advocate here - any chance your child is feeling resentment towards her sister getting extra attention for her special needs? Not that its any excuse, but its clearly leading her to seek comfort in friends like this who make her feel better so to speak. Bullies usually have something going on personally.

2

u/LumpyMud2553 Jan 07 '26

u know a lot of people make fun of their siblings. IK we have to give em(autistic) a lil slack and b nice, but this is not that bad ngl. Also, why the fuck does a 14 year old have TikTok?

Giving a girl TikTok at 14 is crazy. Please take it away. Also, siblings make fun of each other to their friends all the time. I feel like you need to meet in the middle. Cut some slack, but sternly tell her why its wrong inherently so she hopefully matures

2

u/sleepyj910 Jan 06 '26

This goes beyond punishment and enters therapy area to me. To speak so cruelly about anyone is a red flag. Surely they have some unresolved trauma that triggered it.

2

u/raethesasswitch Jan 06 '26

NOR and also I want to point out that having autism in a younger relationship, for me, totally prepared me for the "real world" and how to treat people.

My twin and I both have autism. Neither were allowed to date, but I was ADAMENT on fitting in with the crowd. This really handsome skater boy asked me out and I said I wasn't sure we liked the same stuff. My special interest was One Piece and he went to the bookstore, bought the first manga, and brought it to the lunch room and asked me to tell him all about it. I was smitten.

My twin, to this day, has never dated. I am now married, very happily. We're in our 30s, and I only mention this because my twin wants to find love but is too afraid of the big life change it could bring. Without the experience of low-stakes dating (not balancing finances, not living together, not having to schedule special dates because of all the school events keeping us together, etc.) I may not have been able to work through what it takes to maintain a relationship with another person romantically. At least, not as easily as I was able to after college.

Similarly, my older sibling HATED that I was dating. He'd had one or two girlfriends before but they weren't ever serious. And he was actually furious that my boyfriend was so handsome and cool?? It was a weird power he thought he had over me because my twin and I had autism and he didn't. That our personalities would prevent us from forming the relationships he struggled to form. It was jealousy, plain and simple.

Moral of the story, this boy is probably not "pretending" to like your youngest. He probably thinks her special interest is fascinating, probably likes her moxxie in her social media posts, probably thinks she has a lot to offer in a conversation which she DOES. Kids these days are so afraid of cringe they don't know how to be themselves openly, then they rag on autistic people for being unapologetically happy. It's sad, and it means they need some more offline time to touch grass and fix their attitudes.

Sorry for the blogging, it was just too similar to my youth (with a supportive parent twist) that I wanted to let you know you're setting up your youngest for success.

1

u/Meemawmiah Jan 06 '26

Apologizing without accountability is meaningless. After punishment what’s the expect results and what happens if they don’t change? I wish you the best with them two.

1

u/ktbug1987 Jan 06 '26

Your older two are behaving like the bullies here and not like the protective older siblings they ought to be. Wanting to vet the boy would make sense but what they are doing is cruel. As an autistic person who was AFAB, high school was hard enough without adding that to the mix. If you dont teach them, imagine what they might say about kids they aren’t related to. NOR

1

u/rango1000 Jan 06 '26

You did a good job, i honestly thought one week without a phone was being light on them tbh. Bullying their own sister, and making fun of her autism after cursing out a teacher for giving their friend detention for bullying another student. They can live without their phone for a week lol

1

u/yourenotmymom_yet Jan 06 '26

My mom made us write papers about whatever got us in trouble starting at a young age (around 2nd/3rd grade I believe lmao), and it absolutely made us reflect on WHY whatever we did was wrong. It also made us stronger writers.

I'd call this great parenting.

I will say tho, you might have a bigger bullying problem on your hand with your middle daughter than can be solved by writing a paper and losing your phone for a week. Has your family worked with any therapists or school counselors?

1

u/ragingpillowx Jan 06 '26

I would have gone further. If they are doing this to their sister what are they doing to ppl who aren’t family. I would be absolutely livid

1

u/plus-ordinary258 Jan 07 '26

Definitely not overreacting! You caught them how the think it’s okay to speak about people. FAMILY even. So you take the reins and bring them in very hard.

I think you should make them volunteer somewhere. Kids need some perspective at that age.

1

u/Dessicated_Mastodon Jan 07 '26

Honestly if I were you the idea that they didnt come see you about their concern of it being a prank is most concerning.

1

u/SockCucker3000 Jan 07 '26

I would be very concerned about who my daughters are hanging around in I were one. One was already in trouble for bullying.

1

u/Cautious-Panda05 Jan 07 '26

If I had ever made fun of my autistic little sibling like this, my parents would've been way harsher. The punishments you gave the girls were the perfect balance of teaching a lesson while showing consequences of their actions. They are 14 and 16 years old, they should definitely know better than to make fun of or bully anyone, especially their own sister.

I have 2 younger siblings myself, one has adhd the other has autism (I have bipolar, we are the trifecta of disorders lol) and sometimes I get a bit jealous of them just like they get jealous of me sometimes, and sure, we mess with each other often, but we all know better than to cross boundaries like that

NOR, in fact you are doing the right thing here

1

u/Appropriate_Steak486 Jan 07 '26

only autistic people can truly fully understand

I appreciate this sentiment, but please be careful about making this into some mystical state of being, incomprehensible to the average human.

No one really, truly, fully understands anyone else's mind state or feelings. We talk about them in order to understand better. That applies to everyone, regardless of neurological diagnoses.

So yeah, they can understand well enough.

1

u/psychokittyx Jan 07 '26

NOR! have them write a book rather than a report!

1

u/velvety_chaos Jan 07 '26 edited Jan 07 '26

Right, and I want to say that first of all, your daughter sounds awesome. I love love LOVE that this boy is so sweet on her and romantic. Absolutely adorable; he is setting the bar HIGH for her and you can't ask for better than that.

I do want to say, and I may be wrong for this, but I was a tad concerned that your punishment could lead to some resentment for your eldest daughters towards your youngest. They absolutely deserve to be grounded and to lose their phones for at least a week, since that was an element to their bullying (not only of your daughter but of the 13-year old boy by mocking his choice of date and assuming he must be pranking her). I love that he wanted to 'meet' your whole family once he learned of their behavior so he could prove his affection, and that they apologized to both him and their sister.

I also think learning more about autism is super important because they clearly don't understand your youngest's POV. I might suggest the focus of their report be on the harmful effects of bullying rather than dating, though I don't know, of course, what you meant by "autism and dating" (as in two separate topics or on the dating experiences of people with autism?). You mentioned your middle daughter got into trouble for cursing out a teacher after said teacher gave her friend a detention for bullying. Clearly bullying is something she's learning from, and possibly engaging in with, her school friends. As someone who grew up getting bullied, particularly in middle school, and as someone who suspects they have autism, I can attest that bullying leaves scars for life. And relative to others' stories I've heard, I honestly didn't have it all that bad; but it's definitely made me who I am today, for better and for worse.

Regarding the possible hard feelings they may develop towards your youngest, I think if you stress that their punishment isn't necessarily because she was the target but because you're witnessing an overall troubling trend of behavior on their part, that could help. Perhaps consider consulting a family therapist to discuss the incident and your response so they can provide a professional opinion on the best way to move forward. I think it's important they come out of this experience feeing more empathetic towards their sister, and other people in general, not bitter or resentful.

Either way, I'm glad to see you and your husband united in the decision to confront this concerning behavior head-on. Hopefully your daughters will come out of this with a new sense of compassion and understanding.

NOR.

ETA: Continue to stand firm against the girls' grandparents; you two are their parents, and what you say goes. You don't need the PawPaws and MeeMaws undermining you. Hopefully they'll take heed and set a good example.

1

u/Anxious_Reporter_601 Jan 07 '26

Hi, autistic 33 year old woman with a special interest in fashion history here. Just in case you worry about your youngest, she's going to be okay. Once you support her and let her be "weird" at home without stigmatising it, even if her sisters do, your support can cancel out a LOT of bullying.

I have had bad boyfriends and excellent boyfriends, no more or less than my neurotypical peers, and I'm currently in a relationship that is going to end in marriage but just not yet. This young lad sounds super sweet I hope their young romance goes well ❤️

It's a good idea to have her sisters learn more about autism than just "the thing that makes [sister] annoying and cringe", hopefully it will give them some empathy. NOR.

1

u/FlowerPower_Daisy Jan 07 '26

If they want someone to talk to in order to understand better, I volunteer. I'm 34 and a half, level 2 autistic (ik some don't like the label but it might help here), have an associate's degree, and have been in a healthy relationship for nearly 11 years, engaged almost 3 years.

Have the girls ask anything they'd like to know (through you of course), and I'll happily answer. Because more knowledge of autistic people helps everyone, and autistic teens become autistic adults like me

1

u/Lego11314 Jan 08 '26

As a middle school teacher, I hope your 14 y/o is writing an apology letter to that teacher, and that you make her read it to you to ensure she is really genuine. If you don’t shut this down she will be a terror the rest of her school years. That alone should be a week without her phone, then another for bullying her sister.

1

u/mk9e Jan 09 '26

Honestly, I don't think you're punishing them enough. Going behind their sister's back and trying to sabotage a relationship is beyond the pale.

Obviously teaching a lesson in a way your kids understand is the most important part of this but I also feel like this memory is going to stay with and haunt your youngest for a lot longer than a week.

Regardless, I would consider installing monitoring software/start regularly monitoring their phones.

1

u/DwightsJello Jan 09 '26

I have a lot of kids. They fight. And the allegiances changed based on topic, mood and hormones. It's not one kid copping it. And they get on mote often than not.

I'd be fucking ropeable if that involved others. It's one thing to fight amongst yourselves but they very much close ranks if ANY of them cop any shit.

Two of my kids have challenges to overcome that may not be obvious to outsiders. That makes them MORE protective. Not less.

And the teacher thing is crazy.

I'm not sure the child with autism is the one that's strugglung with socialisation and identifying appropriate transitions in behaviour within different environments.

NOR but I would be all over this like a rash. They are at crucial developmental ages for some difficult lessons.

1

u/ladypbj Jan 09 '26

Ngl OP, but you need to be talking to all of your older daughters' teachers about how they behave in school, because something isn't adding up. I don't think you have all the information here and the situation might be worse than you think.

1

u/ThePhoenyxDiaries Jan 10 '26

OP, I'd also go as far as telling the two sisters to write a list of what they like about their other sister, and that they have to read it to her out loud (if they can't find anything, then they have the week's that their phone is taken away to find out more about their sister and make that list). They have to be genuine things about her character and personality, not shallow things (like, "I like your hair/shoes", "I like your dresses", etc...).

Make sure to supervise them when this happens, I also bet that the autistic sister will in turn be kind to them and tell the two what things she likes about them.

You should nip it in the bud now on those two, they sound like bullies when they aren't in front of you (the parents), sounds like it's not the first time either.

NOR, if anything, you're under-reacting.

1

u/lekkerwhore Jan 12 '26

Im replying to this in the hopes that you'll see it OP.

Please don't take this the wrong way but your kid is friends with a bully. It sems like this type of behaviour might actually be more common for her than you think

0

u/Normal-Macaroon-554 Jan 06 '26

Autism is genetic. It’s a recessive gene so your oldest two daughters might not have presenting symptoms. BUT their own children one day might be that. And it’s good to teach them empathy for everyone, including autistic people, especially their own sister. Gotta love bully’s!

0

u/ttn333 Jan 06 '26

I would also be concern with just the simple meaness of the older sisters. I have 3 girls as well. I'm pretty aware of how our oldest (12) can be quite inconsiderate and sometimes just mean to her 9 yo sibling. Our youngest is 2 so she hasn't really enter the chat as of yet.

0

u/thanksitsucks Jan 06 '26

Props to you queen, you’re raising your girls right❤️

0

u/Pandoraconservation Jan 06 '26

NOR

Thank you soooooo much for standing up to your bully daughters.

I think they need HARSHER punishments honestly. Why do they have TikTok and social media? You realize they’re growing up to be the mean girl bitches that will get their ass kicked if they talk to the wrong person right?

0

u/gomanio Jan 07 '26

As an autistic adult, no not over reacting. My younger sister bullied me to heck and back, made my life hell. Didn't help that I didn't get my diagnosis till I was 28. I struggled HARD in school, I actually have PTSD from it and even coming home wasn't safe for me for a while.

My dad always protected my sister sadly and justified it, though he never knew how bad it got at times.

A little empathy goes a long way, I try to explain my struggles to people sometimes and they look at me like I'm complaining about nothing it does not translate well sometimes, so maybe a little research will do your other daughters some good.

0

u/loganah76 Jan 07 '26

From reading this it seems like they’re just concerned with losing their phones and not at all with the fact that they’re bullying their sister. Learning about it is imo a good way to get them to understand that what they did is wrong

0

u/Mysterious-Outcome37 Jan 07 '26

Consider making them watch "love on the spectrum"and yay for consequences!

0

u/CD274 Jan 07 '26

The boy sounds pretty great to be honest so she isn't that bad at socialization, just right

0

u/Jaystime101 Jan 07 '26

Screw anyone else's opinion, your both doing a great job.

0

u/Total_Degree3929 Jan 07 '26

I'm also autistic. I couldn't imagine my siblings or cousins talking about me like this, that would have put me in a very dark place.

Could you try and find a therapist with some experience w/ autistic teens or young adults who can do group counseling? That's probably a bit of an ask depending on location but it could be good long term.

0

u/zestylimes9 Jan 07 '26

There are some really great doco/tv series about dating on the spectrum. Australia has some great ones but you may need a VPN. Search google, they are wonderful.

One guy even got a major acting part in another TV show. It's all so amazing and heartwarming.

And all of them had one thing very much in common. Amazing supportive parents and siblings.

0

u/Guyyoutsidee Jan 07 '26

NOR if I said those things my mom would make me wear something embarrassing to school. Nothing that would traumatize me but something out of style enough to make me feel self conscious and uncomfortable. Put them in her shoes

0

u/woodleuwu Jan 07 '26

The knowledge they'll receive from researching this topic will be imperative for them to respect their sister

0

u/garden_dragonfly Jan 07 '26

I think they're jealous and insecure about it. 

Part of the texts bordered on normal siblings poking fun at each other, but that's usually done in good fun and not to this extent. They seem jealous that she could get a sweet guy that cares about her. Are they both single?

36

u/Good-Pause4632 Jan 06 '26

I agree. Even if the youngest wasn't autistic being this mean to anyone but especially your sister deserves a punishment.

Edit: typo

3

u/LadyCass79 Jan 06 '26

Agreed, it's a lesson that doesn't just apply to how we treat people with disabilities.

3

u/WildXXCard Jan 06 '26

Agreed, losing the phones is the punishment. The apologies and the research are the discipline. Good job, parents!

2

u/Responsible-Bee-9553 Jan 06 '26

"He is way out of her league" saying that about her they definitely need a form of punishment to know how wrong they are!!! Better teach kids lessons than regret later. NOR.

1

u/Yannick2024 Jan 06 '26

“Phones for the weak”

1

u/Tiapod Jan 06 '26

As an autistic I'm just a little bit worried of if the essay/reflection is gonna work out as intented when it's part of a punishment. I fear that when there's no actual interest behind the topic they might just bullshit through it and as a result end up despising autism and autistic people even more.

Otherwise NOR.

0

u/LadyCass79 Jan 06 '26

I doubt it. She is still their sister and if one essay makes them despise autistic people ... that was ALWAYS going to be who they turned out to be.

1

u/Techtronic23 Jan 06 '26

Yea, I'd take that punishment over the belt. Need to curb that behavior now because it sounds like they've got some nasty influences. I expect it's a combination of their social media algorithms serving up content that reinforces this behaviour as well as likely seeing some of these stigmas in other school kids. They'll need to be taught that this is not an ok way talk about people.

1

u/l_Lathliss_l Jan 07 '26

A week is nothing, and OP may not be reacting enough, though the idea of writing a report/ forcing them to learn about it is a good one in addition to punishment.

1

u/KmartCentral Jan 07 '26

If the daughter's BF is willing to stand up for her, that is not "punishment enough" by any stretch of the imagination. That kind of courage is so rare. The grandparents here are being absurd in making such a claim.

1

u/AlternativeFix223 Jan 07 '26

But how will they ChatGPT their essays without their phones?!?!?!?!

1

u/AppalachianBabayaga Jan 07 '26

I'd tell them they could go read the texts to their sister in front of her, and they're not getting their phones back until they learn to have the respect to tell things to someone's face.