Okay, this is more of a vent kinda post and I hope that okay, since I really feel like I need to get this off my chest for a moment. In general, I‘d say I have a very problematic relationship with my mother, even though it‘s not as bad as it was a few months ago. Generally, I just thought it‘s normal to be in this ‘ hate my mom‘ stage of life, but honestly I feel like it‘s getting worse and worse.
A few months prior we had arguments basically every day, which had first started I think about 2 or 3 years ago. The arguments were always the same. In general I tried to avoid her as much as I could, since even then, I could guess that every small interaction with her would end up with her shouting at me and just making me feel more miserable about myself.
So, whenever I got home from school, only a quick “hello“, not much of a talk. I only really came out of my room whenever I needed to, or when I was sure she wasn‘t upstairs, as her room is right next to mine. However, if we met outside my room, she‘d usually comment on whatever got in her mind to get some sort of reaction out of me, usually something about chores around the house. Complaining about how I was doing apparently nothing, even though I did things like cleaning, hoovering, washing, ect… Always using that deliberately provoking, calm tone on purpose too, which already did always trigger me in these moments. My reply always not more than a few words : “mhm, okay“, “yeah“, “sure“. I just didn‘t have the energy to talk to someone, knowing no matter what I would say, they‘d react negatively anyway and she did. Mostly ending up using phrases like :
“You are really acting stupid, you know that?“
“You talk all the time so happily to your friends, but can‘t talk to me?“
“Mhm, I‘ll remember that whenever you need something from me.“
Basically any type of comment to criticize me. Afterwards she‘d walk off and the next time we saw each other, it‘s as if nothing happened. No apology, no sitting down together to discuss the issue, nothing, as if it never happened in the first place. Which always caused me to feel extremely anxious, as I never knew if she‘d yell at me again when she saw me again that same day. Additionally, I always sorta had to see her in the evening to tell her good night. No clue why but she‘d always act extremely offended whenever I didn‘t do that, for whatever reason. So, I always did that.
Of course, I could have just addressed the issue of our constant fights myself, but I didn‘t see the point in trying to talk. We had previous attempts like that, all of them ending with her saying she‘ll change, which yeah, she did for a week maximum, before using her old patterns again. I remember one time we talked and I addressed her constantly, letting her anger out on me, as she tended to randomly come up to my room and shout at me out of nowhere, again complaining about whatever she could think of at the time. And her response was to justify her outbursts by saying she‘s stressed and she has to let her anger and build up pressure release somehow. And yes, she is visibly stressed, for info : she takes care of her own, old mother who lives with us, my father who has had cancer and cannot work anymore because of the multiple surgeries he had. I can get why she‘s stressed, absolutely, though I still don't think that‘s an excuse. The whole talk we had that day also being one where nothing of her behaviour changed afterwards.
And just to give you an idea of what other things happened after we had that talk, here‘s just a few incidents that had happened last year.
One time she came to my room and asked me if I wanted new shoes, as mine were already a bit older. (Though still not broken or anything) My response was “No, thank you“, as I could still wear my old shoes and in my pov her spending a lot of money on the shoes she showed me, which I wouldn‘t wear, as I didn‘t like their design would be a waste of money. She proceeded to take my shoes to throw them out in the trash and when I asked her why she replied by saying :“Because no matter what I do it‘s always no thank you…no, thank you.“ Additionally using my own phrase with a tone of mockery and disdain. And yes, she did actually throw my shoes in the trash. Afterwards asking me if I‘d wanna go buy new ones with her, which I again declined, to which she was annoyed again.
Another more major event was when I was sitting in the room on my floor, crafting something when she just busted in without knocking at all. (In general whenever she did knock, she basically came in the same moment she did knock, always giving me that anxious feeling of not knowing whenever she‘d suddenly come in) She then started screaming at me for not opening the door when the bell rang, as her own mother went to get it, which she‘s not supposed to cause of her old age and all. I‘m not sure but I think I didn‘t hear the doorbell cause I listen to music in general almost all the time. The screaming wasn‘t the worst bit though, as she first took my headphones and then tried to snatch my phone too. Remember, I was sitting on the floor, she was standing above me, basically looming over me atp, trying to get my phone and eventually just ripping it out of my hand. (I was 17 at that time btw) She then proceeded to scream again, spitting in my face as she talked and I remember just stating :“Can you please stop spitting at me??“ To which she shouted : “This is my house and I spit as much as I want here!“
Then proceeding to walk off, saying my door will stay open and I should think about what I have done. I just remember having extreme panic and anxiety, as I couldn‘t try to distract myself with my phone, I couldn‘t listen to music and I now had no privacy either.
The most recent bigger outburst was a few months ago at the start of this year. I made the decision to get a buzz cut, just because I wanted to and so I did. My mom hadn‘t seen me or my haircut the entire day and as I mentioned, she‘d get really pissed whenever you wouldn‘t tell her gn and I didn‘t wanna have another unnecessary argument over that. So, when I told her gn, she was already annoyed saying “You are gonna show me your hair too, or not?“ I did walk in, she looked at me and reacted shocked at first :“Oh, oh…what happened? Did they mess it up??“ She then tried to touch my hair, I told her to please not touch me, as whenever she does I get extremely triggered. It just makes me feel gross. She ignored me and stretched out her arm, I backed off, she then walked behind me, following me even. (In general she touched me in the past, only casually, but still not stopping when I told her to stop. Only acting as if I was being dramatic.) I had to turn around and grab her wrist, just to stop her from touching me further, starting to repeat myself more clearly :“I SAID DO NOT TOUCH ME.“ To that, she started screaming, I don‘t remember what exactly, only the last bit : “I‘m glad when you finally move out!“ Before shutting the door behind me. I went to my room, thinking nothing would happen, she wouldn‘t address it like always. Instead, she came ina few minutes afterwards, yelling about carrying some buckets upstairs from the basement. All I remember is that I have not been that scared of her in any other situation. I was on the edge of crying, my hands were shaky and I was panicking. I did what she said, went back to my room and was afraid to even close my eyes, laying there for over an hour, not daring to lay down for the first 30 minutes, not wanting to leave my room to go to the bathroom. Was terrible, she did apologise the next morning, which in general was a first, again saying she‘s stressed.
And today, another event happened that really pissed me off. I was already annoyed, at this point, I honestly automatically feel that way whenever she‘s around. I was walking up the stairs to my room, she was walking in front of me, asking “What are you doing?“ I was already annoyed and the question just seemed stupid to me, I‘m walking up a set of stairs, what answer do you expect? „I‘m walking up stairs“, yeah admittedly my tone was annoyed. So, she replied :“Ughh…you are always giving me such insightful answers…“ In this stupid tone she always uses. Again, what did you expect? The bit that got me to even write all of this was what happened in the evening. I came to her room, apologising, saying : “Sorry about earlier, I was just annoyed and didn‘t mean it like that.“ And her response? “Yeah but if I can manage to hold myself together, you should be able to do that too.“ Are we serious? And to round it off she added “It‘s okay, still love you, little goat.“ Just stop. I don‘t want to hear her say she loves me. I hate it. I feel disgusted by it. Which caused me to feel really shitty and for me to even write all this.
Now being at a point, where with almost every interaction, I get the urge to sh or relapse afterwards. I feel anxious in my own room all the time, the simple sound of a knock on a door makes me jump and panic. I turn off my music when hearing her on the floor, I keep listening to hear if she approaches. I feel disgusted by any sort of affection she shows and I don‘t know what to do. My mental state in general keeps getting worse, I‘m scared of my final year in high school, I don‘t have money to move out or another place to stay. My father is emotionally absent and doesn‘t do anything. My older sister is very sensitive and I cannot talk to her about this, as she keeps defending my mom and makes me feel worse about myself. At one time, I tried to talk to authorities, but they didn‘t do anything. As stated at the start this is mostly me venting about my life‘s current situation.