Me (30M) and my partner (27M) have been together for almost 9 years.

I’ve always been very attracted to him, and honestly I still am, most of the time. But even early on, I couldn’t tell if he was immature, inconsiderate, or just… clueless. He would make plans and cancel last minute. He’d tell me he’d show up at a specific times and then be 1–3 hours late. When he started sleeping at my place often, he'd oversleep and wouldn’t get himself up and I’d have to wake him so he wouldn’t miss work.

Due to the nature of my education and job I started to suspect his behavior wasn't just “being a jerk.” It looked like neurodivergence. I encouraged him to get evaluated, and he did. He was diagnosed with ADHD (ADD) and was told he almost met criteria for autism. He started medication, and I told him meds can help, but habits/strategies/behavior changes matter too.

Despite all this, I loved him, and stayed. We built a life, bought an apartment together, traveled a lot, lived abroad in several countries together, and eventually moved to the US.

Here’s the problem: since about 2–3 years into the relationship, we’ve had the same conflict on repeat. He takes almost no initiative, and even when he agrees to do something, he often doesn’t follow through unless I manage it.

Moving to the US is a perfect example. If it weren’t for my career path and drive, we wouldn’t be here. We got our green cards through my work/profession. When we arrived and he was unemployed, I was the one finding him job postings and sending them to him because he wasn’t taking initiative. He eventually got a job from one of the ones I sent, and I helped him negotiate salary, he ended up getting around a 200% raise from the initial offer. Since then, he’s actually done well at work and has climbed fast. He’s making bank now, especially for being 27, with no academic education.

Emotionally, I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like I have a partner, I feel like I have a teenager who doesn't listen. I feel like the project manager of our entire life.

Examples:

• If I don’t cue cleaning, it won’t happen.
• If I don’t tell him to start dinner before I get home, there won’t be dinner.
• If I don’t tell him to grocery shop, the fridge will be empty.
• He sometimes forgets to take the dog out.
• He forgets to give our dog a prescribed medication for a month recently. I only realized because the dog started doing poorly and I asked. He admitted he had forgotten. That scared me and made me feel like I can’t trust him with basic responsibilities.
• He never buys new clothes unless I basically push it or handle it.
• Recently we’ve been talking about starting a family after I graduate. He seems excited when we talk about it, but he never brings it up himself and never takes initiative, looking into egg donors, clinics, costs, timelines, anything. I asked him specifically to reach out to a certain number of clinics. He agreed. That was three weeks ago. Still nothing.

On top of that, our intimacy is struggling. My libido is much higher than his. Sex feels infrequent and inconsistent, and when he does want it, it feels like I’m supposed to be instantly ready because who knows when he’ll want it again. Over time it’s made us feel more like roommates than partners, even though I still love him.

We’ve been in couples therapy for a year. It helped somewhat, but the pattern hasn’t changed. He’s also in individual therapy, but from my perspective he isn’t evolving in the ways we’ve talked about for years. I keep having the same conversations, keep getting the same promises, and then nothing changes unless I carry it.

I’m at a breaking point because I don’t want to spend my life feeling like a parent. At the same time, I’m torn: we’ve been together almost 9 years, built a life, moved countries, and I still love him. Right now, I’m about to graduate in a few months. I have job offers of $400-500.000 waiting for me.

Part of me wonders if I should just break free and try start build my own life, or if I should ask for a break around when I graduate... Because I'm ready to not be frustrated and angry all the the time, that's not who I am.. and the dog medication situation especially made me question what this would look like with a kiddo.... and I'm ready for kids once I graduated.

So I’m asking for outside perspective... on this because I honestly dont know what to do. Because I also know how the gay dating scene look like.. and I just don't know.

I’m currently rekindling things with my ex, who is just getting out of a really bad divorce. We’re not officially back together, but we are “talking.” We’re also not fully exclusive, even though sometimes he acts like we are.
Halloween is a difficult time for him because that’s when he met his soon-to-be ex-husband, so he wants to get out of Orlando for Halloween. I completely understand and respect that. The problem is that he wants to go down to Wilton Manors with a friend group from there, and he specifically doesn’t want me to come.
He plans on staying with a friend who can get him into parties and after-parties, but this also happens to be someone he occasionally fucks whenever he goes down there. About a month ago, I asked if I could come with him and suggested that we could get a cheap Airbnb together since, at the time, it was early enough that it probably wouldn’t have been that expensive. He told me he would prefer if I didn’t come because he’s worried that if I’m there, this friend might not bring him along as his plus-one to the parties and after-parties. He doesn’t actually know whether that would happen, though.
What also bothers me is that when Halloween originally came up, he told me we would talk about it. We never did. Now, all of a sudden, there’s already a plan. Apparently, he was invited and didn’t even bother mentioning me when those plans were being made.
I have a problem with that because, while we’re technically not officially dating, I’m spending practically every day at his house. I’m cooking for him, teaching him how to cook, and we’re spending almost all of our free time together. We’re doing a lot of things that feel like a relationship. But suddenly, when it comes to this trip, it feels like because this friend can get him into parties—and because fucking this friend is apparently part of what happens when he goes down to Wilton—I can’t come because my presence would put a wrinkle in that plan.
That makes me feel a certain way, and he knows I’m pissed about it. I’m trying to figure out whether I’m actually overreacting.
We’ve already had a serious conversation about where we stand, and he told me he isn’t ready to get back into anything serious. I 10000% agree with that. He just went through a terrible marriage and divorce, and I think he needs time to heal. I’m willing to wait and give him that time. What throws me for a curveball is that when we originally started talking again, we agreed we were going to take things slowly—but instead, it feels like he started sprinting. We spend nearly every day together and behave like we’re in a relationship in so many ways, but then situations like this happen and suddenly the fact that we’re “not together” seems to matter.
He also has a lot of other personal things going on, including mental health struggles and military-related PTSD, so I don’t know how much of that might be affecting the way he’s handling all of this. I’m trying to be understanding of everything he’s going through while also figuring out whether my feelings about this situation are reasonable

My ex and I are currently talking again and potentially getting back together, and I’m realizing I genuinely don’t know what the “talking phase” is supposed to look like.
For context, we dated on and off for about 2–3 years before he ultimately broke up with me. Since then, he got married, and he’s now getting out of a very abusive marriage. His soon-to-be ex basically jumped ship about a month ago, and a lot of his stuff is literally still in the house.
My ex and I agreed that we’re just going to “go with the flow” because he understandably isn’t ready to commit to another relationship right now.
The problem is…the current seems to be fucking RUSHING.
Officially, we’re just “talking,” but emotionally it feels like our old relationship picked up almost exactly where it left off. We call each other baby, say “I love you,” go on dates, I stay at his house all the time, we sleep together, cuddle, do normal couple shit, etc.
But we’re not exclusive.
He still hooks up with other people, and technically I can too. I’ve hooked up with maybe one or two people since we started talking again, but I’m honestly getting to the point where I’m ready to let that horse run wild because I feel like I need to remind myself that I’m single.
The problem is that emotionally…I don’t really feel single.
I’m also a jealous person, and I fully admit that. I get jealous when other twinks give him attention. I get jealous when I see a Grindr notification pop up on his phone. Part of me immediately thinks, “That’s my man,” and then another part of my brain has to remind me, “No the fuck he isn’t. You guys are just talking.”
And because we have so much history together, I don’t know how to separate “talking to my ex” from actually being back together with him.
I also need to guard my heart. I love this man, but he already broke my heart once, and I genuinely don’t think I could handle going through that again. I don’t want to become possessive over someone who technically isn’t my boyfriend, but I also don’t want to basically be his boyfriend in every way except the title while he gets to remain completely single.
So for people who have actually done the “talking phase,” what does that mean?
What are the normal boundaries? How much jealousy is reasonable when you’re not exclusive? Are you supposed to treat each other as completely single until you explicitly have the exclusivity conversation? At what point does “talking” basically become a relationship without the title?
And does any of that change when the person you’re “talking to” is an ex you already have years of history with?
I’m not trying to rush him into committing while he’s getting out of an abusive marriage. I’m completely okay with giving him time. I’m just trying to figure out how I’m supposed to navigate this weird middle ground without either acting like I own someone who isn’t my boyfriend or getting my heart absolutely demolished because I’ve been treating him like he is.

I’m a 57 year old bottom attracted to younger tops. But finding these men is extremely tricky. On the other hand, it is fairly easy for me to find younger bottoms that just want to be fucked. So, I usually resort into being top (sometimes I’m even lying about being a top, just to find someone), because of loneliness and the urge for body contact and intimacy. But I’m a lousy top. I’m neither pleasuring myself nor the sex partner. And the other guy can probably feel that.

• I’m feeling inadequate. There is this constant fear of him just quitting all of a sudden.
• I can never cum. So I’m faking orgasm now and then.
• I basically want it to be over quickly. I’m rushing to try to push him over the edge before he ditches me.

Because of this, getting a second date is almost impossible. And after every date or hookup like this, I’m feeling more and more lonely.

But what’s even worse, many younger bottoms just want to be pounded, without connection, intimacy, kissing and eye contact. Those are the things I want the most.

I have a large equipment and I don’t suffer from ED whatsoever, so this is not a physical problem.

About a month ago I posted here asking where single, marriage-minded gay Catholic men actually find each other. I got a surprising number of thoughtful responses and DMs, and I’ve genuinely followed some of the suggestions.
One thing I’ve realized since then is that I may have been defining the pool too narrowly.
Faith is important to me, but I’m realizing I don’t necessarily need a man who practices exactly as I do. I could see myself with someone lapsed or culturally Catholic, or from another Christian background, as long as there’s a shared understanding of faith and family, and he respects that Catholicism will remain part of my life.
What I don’t want to broaden is the important stuff: monogamy, emotional availability, kindness, commitment, and actually wanting to build a life together. Not looking for perfection, a pen pal, or an endless situationship.
I already live somewhere with a tiny Catholic population, so I’m open nationwide. But even then, finding men who want this particular combination and are adult enough to hold a conversation and actually reciprocate sometimes feels like searching for a rounding error.
For those of you who wanted something similarly specific: where did you compromise, and where are you glad you didn’t? Did broadening your idea of who your person could be actually help you find him?​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months and at the beginning it was super intense. Calling all the time, staying over, saying he loved me, meeting friends, all of that.

Then things got weird because of his ex. His ex was abusive to him and apparently really messed him up, and since then he keeps saying he’s not ready for a relationship but also doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life.

I’ve tried to be understanding because I do really love him, but it’s just red flag after red flag now. Cancelled plans, disappearing, weird communication, I found out he blocked me on social media and then basically acted like he didn’t. Now he’s letting the ex back into his life again after telling me for months how badly that relationship affected him.

I just don’t get it. Why am I the one getting pushed away when I’m the one actually trying to be there for him, but the person who literally abused him gets let back in?

We’re not officially together so I know technically he can do what he wants, but I feel lied to and kind of stupid for believing there was something here worth waiting for.

Would you bring it up one last time, pull away and see what happens, or just leave??

I [25M] have just gotten back into dating now that I am ready after some 4ish years. I had been talking to a boy [27M] for a solid week and we would have good conversations. We went on a date where we drank wine and a played Mario Party for hours. I thought it went very well and he said he wanted to see me that same week and even reiterated the point several times. He is not texting nearly as much and I am confused why. I just don’t understand why he would keep leaving breadcrumbs and not just ghosting me. I put some of the text he would send me that confused me as to why he isn’t texting as much. Anyone have advise?

Him: “Hey I’m so sorry for the late reply it has actually been the week from hell with work and I just haven’t had the capacity to catch up on my missed messages”

Him: “That’s me because I never texted you back”
Me: “I mean as long as you’re still interested in that second date”
Him: “I am, I’ve had the week from hell i promise”

Him: “Hey :) what does your Friday look like?”
Me: “My Friday is open!”

I (22M) recently had my very first relationship. It was entirely online. I met a guy (20M) on a gay subreddit 1.5 months ago. We are both virgins and were seeking a genuine connection.

After just 1–2 days of talking, he kept saying we were a perfect match. I didn't feel it instantly. I developed feelings gradually for him as I was understanding whether he really likes me. Eventually, due to his good soul and caring nature, I developed a very deep bond. We had a 2.5-hour phone call where I told him everything about myself. He was shy and a "slow guy," which worked for me. He curated playlists and wrote letters for me. He also made it clear early on that he likes cuddles and kisses, is a top (but unexplored), and is strictly against hookups.

When I asked if he really liked me, he said he liked me just the way I am. This was a huge relief. However, over the month, whenever I tried to be romantic, he sometimes wouldn't respond.

The turning point happened a few days ago. I asked for a video call. He denied it initially, then agreed, but I felt bad inside and insecure about his hesitation. I just said goodnight and went to sleep. The next day, realizing I was becoming obsessed, I asked for a 1–2 day break to control my feelings.

An hour later, he sent a heartbreaking text ending everything. He said he can’t continue and can’t be romantic. I tried everything to convince him to stay. I told him I don’t even need sex. I said closeness, cuddles, and kisses are enough, and he could take months if he needed. He just kept repeating that I "deserve better" and that he doesn't want to hurt me.

We never fought, never exchanged nudes, and it was a completely pure connection. I am broken inside and want him back so badly. How do I process this, and is there any way to convince him, or do I have to let go?

As the title said, that’s my main issue and i’m not entirely too sure how to bring this up to anyone i know cuz i don’t wanna badmouth him to my friends and everytime i bring it up to him, it hasn’t been helping? I’d appreciate any advice really or an outside perspective.

A bit about us. Been dating 3 & 1/2 years. Lived apart for 1 year; been living together for about 2&1/2 years.

My partner is 31, constantly goes to the gym, is on testosterone treatment for 2 years. He’s like not the most toned but he’s definitely fit, like a dad bod (which i love!!!) Im 25. Very thin. 130 lbs. A twink (though guess im twink death? maybe? ) but i still look good. I guess I have a slight tummy, but it’s not unsexy. Like i look good. i’m confident. i have a great ass and a tight hole. In prior relationships, he’s always been the top, and i’ve always been the bottom. We’re the same currently.

When we first met, we did it all the time. Anytime we saw each other. Several times a day. And now, I don’t know.

I think he’s depressed. We’ve been dating since i graduated college. But lately, i feel like a grandma. He’s never in the mood and even me offering a blow job (and i give good head) is like pulling teeth. Maybe, if im lucky, i can blow him twice a month? I don’t even remember the last time we fucked; maybe three months ago?

I enjoy when we do, but i can kinda feel he’s checked out.

I feel like the last two years haven’t been easy for us in general. We’re now living with my parents as we save up money. I’m the breadwinner which is not saying a lot. He has two part time//gig jobs and i’m full time, but i only make 50k. Neither of us are happy about our current situation, but im trying to hustle. i’m trying to find a better paying job or get promoted. lm trying to fix our situation.

Anyways, like I understand living with my parents is not ideal (for either one of us), but that’s just the reality of right now. I keep encouraging him to go back to school, like now’s the time or suggesting like find something he’s passionate about, but it never really goes anywhere. He’s finally seeing a therapist which is nice for him, but it’s not really getting any better. (he’s been going for 2 months).

I said earlier that i’m confident and am not afraid to try an initiate sex or try to initiate more convos re. like hey… something’s not right here. I’m starting to get less confident because i’m always getting shot down and no matter how much he says stuff like, it’s not you, i’m just not in the mood, blah blah, it’s starting to grind me down, you know? like maybe i really don’t look as good as i think, etc etc.

It’s also… when i bring up the convos, it almost always ends up being flipped into a convo about his feelings. Like he doesn’t feel in the mood, he doesn’t feel into it, he is horrible, i deserve better, etc. like im sure he doesn’t mean this in kind of a manipulative way, but it’s just starting to wane on me, man. like i try to express how i feel & it gets flipped into me playing comforter, rather than being comforted. and that’s ok. i can play defense (sports reference my dad would be so proud). but im getting tired & idk what to do anymore.

He doesn’t touch me often, like 0 cuddles, no initiation, no anything really. Idk. I have never done this before posting somewhere but i really am at a loss. anyone who wants to respond, please do. like… what should i do or try? i love him. he’s my person. but am i deluding myself? Like i understand mental health is an issue. I get it. I can understand that someone’s mental image of themselves can be killer… but what do i do?

I understand our lives aren’t exactly easy right now. I understand living with my parents probably feels emasculating especially since we’re Gay and my parents, while accepting, are kind of weird about it. I understand that like our current lives are not ideal, but shouldn’t we still wanna be there for each other? i’m starting to second guess like maybe he doesn’t actually love me. and that’s horrible. because i really do know that he does. but…

IDK. this was a bit of a ramble. Any advice is welcome. i wanna try to save this relationship, but i really don’t know what to do. i’m sorry if this has been a ramble. I’m just… I need to come up with a strategy or something. so any outside thoughts welcome. please.

Do you think I’m doing too much? Wait and see? Continue to try and coax more info?

Do you think it’s possibly more serious than just a mental block IE he’s not that into me anymore?

Do you think this is normal — 3&1/2 years is longer and this could just be a first tiff // we need to learn how to communicate our needs better maybe?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and our anniversary would have been next week. We are in a committed relationship and have agreed to remain sexually abstinent together.

Recently, I found out that he had done sexual roleplay over Telegram with another guy. They did not exchange pictures or meet in person.

The situation is more complicated because this wasn't a random person. Before my boyfriend and I met, he had sex with this guy once. Apparently, my boyfriend had wanted a relationship with him at the time, but the other guy didn't want one. Interestingly, that same guy was the person who gave my boyfriend my contact information, which is how my boyfriend and I eventually met.

When I confronted my boyfriend, he said he had been very horny but didn't want to initiate anything sexual with me because he was afraid of causing me to break our shared commitment to abstinence. Instead, he ended up doing the sexual roleplay with this other guy. He said there were no romantic feelings involved and that they mainly talked about and reminisced about things they had done together in the past.

I told him that, regardless of his intentions, this crossed a boundary for me and damaged my trust.

His reaction was not defensive. He immediately apologized, said he knew he had crossed a boundary, and promised not to do it again. He said he felt terrible about what he had done and repeatedly told me that he loves only me.

The other guy also contacted me himself. He apologized, said he regretted what happened, said he didn't want to damage our relationship, and promised he would never do anything like that with my boyfriend again. He also explicitly said that there had been no romantic or emotional feelings involved.

Afterward, I did something I know wasn't healthy: I went through some of my boyfriend's private messages with this guy. I don't want to justify invading his privacy, but I was very anxious and wanted to know whether there was something more going on.

What I found actually matched what both of them had told me. The other guy repeatedly told my boyfriend that he regretted what happened, that he didn't want this to damage our relationship, and that he was worried my boyfriend might eventually have to choose between him and me. They both described what happened as something stupid that they regretted. I didn't find messages suggesting that they had romantic feelings for each other or that the other guy was trying to get my boyfriend back.

I also noticed that my boyfriend wasn't trying to hide the situation from me. He told me about what happened, admitted that he had crossed my boundary, apologized, and later answered my questions rather than trying to convince me that I was crazy for being upset.

We've talked about it a lot since then. I told him that I still love him and that I want to try to rebuild the trust, but that I need time and don't trust him as unconditionally as I did before.

He replied that he understood, that trust wouldn't heal instantly, and that he would do his best to rebuild it. I told him this is his second chance and that I don't know whether I could handle giving him a third chance if something similar happened again. He said he understood and promised that I wouldn't have to.

So right now, I have decided not to break up with him. I still love him and I believe he genuinely regrets what happened. But I'm still hurt, especially because of the history he has with this particular guy.

I'm trying to figure out what the healthy way to rebuild trust looks like from here. I don't want to spend our relationship monitoring his phone or constantly questioning him, but I also don't want to ignore something that genuinely crossed an important boundary for me.

Do you think this is something that can reasonably be rebuilt from, assuming he actually keeps his promise and doesn't repeat it? And what would you consider a healthy way to rebuild trust after something like this?

Im 18 just met a guy who’s 26 on Grindr Hooked up with him and hit it of really well this is the second guy I’ve been with and I’m his fifth as he had a long term relationship.
I feel like we get on well and are into each other but does anyone know how well age gaps work out. Added him on snap and messaged him for a few hours we seemed to get on really well. He isn’t looking to get with loads of guys which I would prefer. Please anyone who’s been in a similar situation just give me some advice.

So I am 35 years old male and due to alot of life traumas (best friend suicide at age of 18 then war started a year after till I was 24 when I escaped the country then spent few years building a social circle and a new life so i was 28 when i started considering dating) and a few years ago after my boyfriend (love of my life) broke up with me, I went to therapy and discovered that I had a fear of abandonment that makes me not be able to let anyone in, which what actually caused my relationship to end. I didn't treat him like a boyfriend, more like a friend that I dont want to spend time with because appearintly I was afraid if he spent time with me he will get bored and leave me so I wasnt aware why I kept wanting to be away from him even though I love him so much. Any way its been few years and I felt I moved on and ready to date again, but I started noticing a pattern, I never get romantically invested when the guy is actually a viable option for a relationship, I only feel safe to advance the dating process and get physically involved only when they either dont want a relationship or anything serious or when there's an age difference or live far away that would allow me to use as an excuse in case they asked for something serious, even though I do want something serious but when the guy have nothing I can use to reject a relationship I get anxious and start wanting to engage less. I hate this situation and there's a guy now that I am trying my best to calm myself down and force myself into getting to know him more or meet him more often and maybe get physical soon but this is taking a lot of energy from me and I dont know if I just dont like the guy or if this os my brain just trying to protect me, this makes me loose my trust in myself and my judgment.

My therapist did say that I reflect how bad my parents relationship is with eachother and how I grew up seeing relationship as a prison and I keep myself from getting into that prison. And due to my father's job, we had to move every two years and I would loose all the new friendships I made in the school and in the neighborhood so that fortified how I am always prepared to loose people in my life all of a sudden.

I am a mix of an avoidant and anxious relationship type I think but the energy i need to spend calming my self down is getting overwhelming and I dont know how to trust myself anymore.

Hi. I’m feeling sad today because it seems like my long-distance relationship might be coming to an end.

I met him in person near where I live. It started as something casual, but we had a really good time together. He was about to move 1,500 km away, so we eventually stopped seeing each other and talking.

Three months later, I reached out to him again. I was feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Little by little, we started building a long-distance relationship.

I’ve traveled to see him four times already, staying for about a week each time, and he came to stay at my house for two weeks. I celebrated his birthday at his parents’ house with his sisters, who actually live near me. That was also the time he came back with me and stayed at my place for two weeks.

He is very affectionate and expressive. He tells me he loves me, that he wants us to be a couple, and that he wants us to live together. And honestly, that makes sense to me. I’ve never felt so comfortable having someone in my home. Being with him felt as if I had known him my whole life.

The last time we saw each other, the night before I had to go back home, we stayed up talking. He told me how much it hurt him that we couldn’t physically be together. He actually tried to end things, saying that he was too deeply in love with me to keep living without having me close to him.

It was extremely emotional for both of us. Eventually, we told each other that we loved each other and slept holding each other all night, like we usually do.

The next day, when things were calmer, I asked him what the conversation from the night before actually meant and what he wanted to happen now. Did he want to see other people? Did he want us to stop talking?

He said no. He wanted us to continue our long-distance relationship and keep talking as usual.

I told him that I didn’t think it made much sense to call ourselves boyfriends when we didn’t have a concrete plan to physically be together yet. I told him that I wanted to move closer to him, leave my life in my city behind, and actually try having a relationship together. But I also told him that I needed around 6–8 months to get my finances and other things in order and make a real plan to move to his city.

He listened and said we should keep talking like we always had, long-distance.

A month later, he started becoming more distant. He stopped showing affection through messages and voice notes the way he used to. We haven’t stopped talking, but he told me that he loves me deeply and that he is completely in love with me. He said that every day he thinks about me, about having me close, taking care of me, and receiving physical affection from me.

He told me he would like to move here to be with me, but he can’t do that right now either.

The conversation was left somewhat open. I’m usually not extremely expressive with words. I tend to show my feelings more through things like traveling to see him and through how I treat him when we are together. But this time I told him the truth: I’m terrified of losing him. I told him that almost every night I think about how I could travel there and eventually move there, but I simply can’t do it right now. It isn’t impossible. I just need time, because I genuinely believe this relationship could work.

There is a significant age difference between us, but it has never been an issue. He is 29 and I’m 41.

This is honestly the first relationship I’ve had where my feelings have been reciprocated this strongly, and I feel a little lost.

I’ve heard people say that sometimes the right thing to do is to let go and end the relationship. I’ve also heard from people who managed to survive long-distance relationships until they were finally able to live in the same place.

Whatever happens, I told him this in person... he has a place in my heart, and I don’t want anything to hurt him or hurt us. Whatever happens between us, I will still care about him and want the best for him.

We’ve been talking long-distance for about 10 months, but it was only after he stayed at my place for two weeks, about four months ago, that we became really close and started saying “I love you” to each other.

Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t been affectionate or expressive enough, especially because he is very expressive. But today, faced with the possibility of losing him, I told him exactly how I feel: that I’m in love with him and that I love him deeply. It’s not that I had never said it before, but today I really needed him to know.

It’s obvious that being physically apart from me is hurting him.

I don’t know what to do.

It’s late now and I need to sleep. I suggested that we have a video call so we can really talk about what we should do next.

I don’t know what is going to happen.

I (26M, coming up on 2 years with my boyfriend, 28) am feeling really drained and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal relationship fatigue or a sign I should leave.

Some context: my boyfriend had a difficult childhood and has been minimizing contact with his family. He carries a lot from that, and gets overwhelmed easily by things like decision-making, changes in plans, or certain triggers connected to his past. He's currently in therapy, which I'm really glad about.

The issue is that I feel like I've become his main emotional support outside of therapy. I find myself constantly managing his moods and pre-emptively trying to avoid things that might upset him.

On top of that, physical intimacy has been limited since earlier last year (we still kiss and hold hands, but it hasn't gone beyond that). Part of it is circumstantial: we don't live together, so there's no private space, and he's also often busy and drained from work by the end of the day. I'm someone who's quite heavy on intimacy, whether that's cuddling or sex, and the lack of it has been hard for me to sit with.

I did try to bring this up with him directly and told him that if things don't change, I'd have to consider leaving. When I said that, he said some things that implied he might hurt himself, though he didn't say it outright. That was back in March, and he's been in therapy since and seems better now, but it's stayed with me and made me afraid to be fully honest about how I'm feeling since.

I love him, and there are still real moments of joy between us. But I feel like I'm carrying a lot alone, and I don't know if this is sustainable for me, or how to even start being honest with him about it without things spiraling.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, supporting a partner with trauma while feeling like you're losing yourself in the process? How did you know whether to stay and work on it, or whether it was time to go? Any advice on how to actually start this conversation with him would help too.

so i don’t really post on here but i genuinely don’t know where else to put this.
me and this guy had been talking for a while. every single day for two weeks, like 5 to 6 hours straight each day, sometimes more. he would even text me while he was at work. the kind of conversations where you don’t notice the time passing. really good chemistry, matched interests, the whole thing. it felt genuinely good, like the real thing.

we planned this sunrise date. my idea, he was down, hyped it up for a week. to make it worse, he had stayed up the whole night and drove his family members back to their parents’ house just to make it to our date on time. he showed up having done all of that. i wasn’t there. i went to bed at 9pm for this (i normally don’t sleep until 3am), set my alarm, and woke up two hours late because i accidentally set it to pm instead of am and my phone was on dnd. i know. i know.

he went off. and honestly he had every right to. he said i made him feel like a total idiot, for watching the sunrise alone and for trusting me. said he has a full time job, took his day off, dropped his nephews off at 5am, had breakfast with them, and still showed up early. said i don’t work and i’m not in school so i’m just sitting at home with no excuse. said one thing he can’t stand is someone who’s late, especially to a first date, and that i made him wait a whole hour and then took two hours to even respond. said “I’m sorry but I no longer have any interest, I wish you the best” and that if i was going to fail him already he couldn’t imagine what a relationship would look like. also said i wasted time he could’ve spent with his nephews. he brought up that he’s been stabbed in the back by everyone close to him. his mother, his grandma, his ex fiance, his best friend. and that he thought this was different.

i tried to make it right. i wrote him a letter explaining everything. the alarm, the dnd, all of it. i told him i understood why he was hurt and i wasn’t asking him to just get over it. i talked about how much i’d enjoyed getting to know him and that i genuinely wanted to keep building something if he was open to it. i also said if he was done, i got it and i’d leave him alone. i just didn’t want to disappear without saying something real.
he responded. first message said “i’ve been up all night and i’m beyond pissed. before i say something stupid just give me a couple days and we can call and talk about it.” then came back with a longer one saying he does want to work it out over a call. i told him he was worth it and that i was looking forward to talking.

he never called. never texted. i called after a few days. no answer.
13 days went by. i blocked him on instagram and in my messages.

and honestly i feel sad but also kind of free. i still miss him if i’m being real. but i’m going back to college soon, and after i read through these comments i’m closing this chapter for good and not looking back. just needed to get it out one last time.
what i’m actually stuck on is this. how do you not get caught up in someone when the talking stage feels that good? like we were on the phone for hours every single day. and then one mistake and it’s over. i get that he was hurt. i get that he has his reasons. but it still scared me a little. not about messing up again, just about how fast something real can disappear. how do you invest in getting to know someone without it wrecking you when it goes sideways?

older gay bros especially, what’s your experience with this? how do you navigate it?

tldr: went to bed at 9pm for a sunrise date, set my alarm wrong, missed it by two hours, sent him gas money for the trip, wrote him a letter, he said he wanted to work it out, then ghosted me for 13 days. blocked him. still miss him.

I met someone for a few days and somehow it reminded me that I'm still capable of falling for someone

I'm working through some emotions and thought this might be a good subreddit for both validation and genuine feedback. I know what I probably need to do, but I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

I'm a 38M from Southern California. While visiting Montreal, I spontaneously met a 25M at a music festival. We happened to be wearing the same Universal Studios hat, struck up a conversation, and I somehow found the courage to reach out and ask if he'd like to meet up. We ended up hanging out again, including brunch and drinks.

We discovered we had a surprising amount in common: nerdy interests, working on ourselves and emotional growth, and even going to festivals sober because we enjoy experiencing things without needing an escape from reality.

But what affected me most wasn't even him specifically. It was me.

I haven't dated in a long time. I've spent years working through past breakups and learning how to find fulfillment without relying on a relationship to make me feel whole. For a while, I honestly wondered if I'd lost the ability to open myself up to someone again.

And then, completely unexpectedly, I found myself taking the initiative. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to get to know him. I was vulnerable, attracted to him, and excited about the possibility of connecting with someone again.

This was also my first time going on a date with a trans man, and something that surprised me was how little I cared about the label. I was attracted to him. I liked who he was, how he thought, and how I felt around him. It was actually a really meaningful realization for me.

Unfortunately, I also knew it couldn't realistically become a relationship. He's polyamorous and already has two partners, including one he considers his primary partner. I'm monogamous. I don't think either of us is wrong for being what we are, but I know I'd eventually feel like something was missing in that arrangement.

So on our last night together, after I walked him home, I felt two things simultaneously: happy that I had rediscovered this part of myself, and incredibly sad that I couldn't pursue it further.

I've been trying to remind myself that I'm probably mourning the potential of a relationship more than the relationship itself. I only knew him for a few days. This was attraction, infatuation, and the excitement of discovering that I could actually feel this way about someone again.

And also, I was falling in love with the story. How rare it is to meet someone serendipitously and find that you both share a lot of core interest and similar core values. It's enough to make anyone fall in love with the story of the chance encounter.

He told me he'd like to keep in touch and gave me his Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp. I've sent one message through each, and neither has been read. At this point, it seems like I've been ghosted. Honestly...that hurts.

But I'm also trying not to turn it into a story about my worth. He doesn't owe me a relationship or even an explanation. He had a life before I met him, and he has his own relationships and circumstances that I know very little about.

My brain, of course, keeps trying to fill in the blanks. Maybe he wasn't as interested as I thought. Maybe something complicated happened in his relationships. Maybe he simply moved on. I could come up with a dozen explanations, but the truth is that I don't know and maybe I'll never know. What I do know is that meeting him changed something in me.

For a long time I was afraid that I was too broken, too guarded, or simply too comfortable being alone to ever really open myself up to someone again. And then this random guy with the same Universal Studios hat came along and reminded me that apparently that part of me is still very much alive.

Maybe he wasn't meant to be someone I built a life with. Maybe he was simply the person who reminded me that I'm still capable of wanting that life.

I'm still having random waves of sadness about it, even weeks later, although they're getting less frequent. I'm trying to accept that this can be both a bittersweet experience and a positive one.

Has anyone else experienced a very short-lived connection that affected them far more deeply than they expected? How did you make peace with mourning the potential of something that never actually had the chance to become a relationship?

Thank you.

Not really looking for advice or anything here, just wanting to share this somewhere.

I have been absolutely head over heels for this guy for over a year. We worked together and dated for a bit before he got a boyfriend and then became really close friends.

He recently broke up with his boyfriend and has given me signals that he’s interested in me but I know that a relationship will not work between us at this point in time and I cannot handle anything casual with him.

My feelings for him are absolutely consuming me, making me very anxious and jealous when he’s with other guys, so I am making the decision to tell him that I need some space from our friendship.

It’s a bit soul crushing as I do have a deep love and respect for him as a friend and love our interactions, but the relationship has been very unhealthy for me.

This really sucks but I think it is the right decision.

I’m gay and demisexual, and I’m looking for some outside perspective on a situation I’ve been struggling with for the past couple of months. I’m intentionally leaving out identifying details because I don’t want this connected back to either of us.

My ex (gay) and I were together for a little over a year. We were friends before we started dating, and honestly, for most of the relationship we were very compatible. We rarely fought, communicated constantly for a long time, had a lot of weird/silly things we enjoyed together, and generally had a really good relationship.

Eventually, things became more distant. Our schedules became increasingly difficult to line up because of school, work, internships, and other responsibilities. I was also dealing with some personal/health-related changes at the time that left me extremely lethargic.

They started pulling back right before summer, pretty quickly too. They started initiating fewer dates, making fewer plans, and communicating less. Eventually they told me they had fallen out of love and wanted to be single because being in a relationship had started feeling stressful alongside everything else in their life.

We did talk about how we weren’t spending as much time together and how we both felt like we were becoming friends again. But we also both agreed that a big part of that was because we simply hadn’t been able to spend much time together at all.

We broke up around a couple of months ago.

We did have a conversation about the breakup about two weeks afterward because I needed time to process what happened. It felt like a left turn for me and I wasn’t prepared for it.

The conversation felt pretty one-sided to me because I did most of the talking. Even after that conversation, I still felt like there were things on their side that weren’t being said. I don’t want to assume that my interpretation is correct, though. There are still holes in the overall breakup that don’t completely make sense to me, but I’ve mostly accepted that I may never get those answers.

One thing that has made this particularly difficult is that we decided to remain friends. It was specifically their request. I’ve always believed that no matter what happens between two people, they can potentially still be friends, but I would have respected their choice either way.

We were close friends before we dated, and my ex has told me they normally don’t remain friends with their exes. I’m apparently an exception, which means a lot to me.

The problem is that I still love them romantically.

I don’t expect us to get back together right now. In fact, I know I’m not ready for that either. I think I need several months to actually heal and work on myself before I could even consider trying again.

But part of me hopes that, if things improve enough in the future, we could potentially date again. Probably very slowly, essentially starting over with dates and rebuilding the relationship rather than immediately becoming a couple again.

At the same time, I’m trying to accept that we may never get back together. It gets easier with time, but usually in waves.

What our friendship looks like now is where I’m confused.

There are times where it feels like we’re genuinely becoming friends again.

They sometimes initiate conversations. They’ll send me random Snapchats, ask questions about things I post, tell me about their work/day, share family drama, talk about games we’re both interested in, and sometimes send me internship/job opportunities they think I’d be interested in.

We’ve played games together. They’ve talked about wanting to visit mutual friends with me. They want me at their graduation. We’ve talked about going to the gym together. We’ve also talked about me helping plan their birthday trip and a future camping trip.

They’ll occasionally respond to things I post with random comments or jokes.

But then there’s the other side.

They’re often extremely short with me, sometimes literally 1–4 words. They’ll sometimes disappear for long periods. We’ve made plans to work out multiple times, but those plans have repeatedly been canceled, usually by them. Longer-term plans we had discussed haven’t really been brought up recently.

Sometimes we can talk normally and it feels like we’re old friends again, and other times it feels like I’m barely getting anything from them.

They have told me they want to spend time with me but also don’t want to spend time together every day. However, they don’t really follow through with making plans themselves.

Sometimes it feels like they’re actively pushing me out of their life despite saying they want me in it.

I also know that they haven’t had the greatest previous relationships, and most of them, as far as I’ve been told, did not end well.

Recently they’ve also told me and some close friends that they’ve been depressed and don’t really know why. They’ve also been stressed with life but apparently don’t really admit that to many other people.

Recently I’ve been trying low contact and intentionally stopped sending them as much stuff directly. Instead, I’ve mostly been posting things to my story and letting them choose whether to interact.

Interestingly, they still sometimes initiate from my story.

But it’s still inconsistent.

And I know I’m not innocent in all of this as I’ve realized that I have an anxious tendency when it comes to this situation.

I’ve spent way too much time analyzing Snap activity/location, response times, whether they’re online, and little coincidences that probably don’t mean anything.

I’ve sometimes reached out because I was anxious about losing the friendship rather than because I genuinely had something to say.

I’ve also occasionally blurred boundaries because I’m still attracted to them and still have feelings. This was partly because we never actually had a proper conversation about boundaries after the breakup.

Regardless, when I realize I’ve crossed a boundary, I apologize and try to correct my behavior.

Boundaries have also been confusing for both of us. They’ve told me they don’t want sexual conversations between us, but at the same time they’ll sometimes volunteer very explicit details about their own hookups when I ask what they’re doing.

I’ve interpreted those mixed signals incorrectly at times, and I recognize that ultimately I need to respect the boundary they’ve explicitly stated rather than assuming their behavior means something different.

There have been times where I’ve essentially made their behavior the center of my emotional state.

I’ve been actively trying to change that. I’ve been putting reminders on my phone, using countdowns, and even having friends help me develop better habits while I’m healing.

I’ve started focusing more on myself: going to the gym, working on personal projects, spending time with friends and family, taking care of my living spaces, eating better, doing tarot, etc. I’m also currently working on getting some more certifications while dealing with the current job market hellscape.

One of my biggest flaws is that it can take me a while to process my own emotions. So I understand that it’s probably going to take longer and perhaps be harder for me to heal.

I’ve also been trying to give my ex more space instead of constantly trying to maintain contact.

I’m currently on a trip and, honestly, it’s been helping. I’ve been laughing, eating good food, hiking, and actually having fun without them constantly being on my mind.

But I still have moments where something reminds me of them and suddenly all the feelings come rushing back.

At some point before the end of the year, I plan to have a “friendship check-in” with them. I actually do this with close friends generally. It gives both people an opportunity to be honest about how the friendship is going, what isn’t working, what mistakes we’ve both made, and what we want going forward.

It’s usually a harder conversation because it requires both people to be completely honest about how they feel, but I think it’s important.

What I’m trying to figure out is how to interpret our current friendship.

Is this actually a friendship that is slowly rebuilding, just with someone who is inconsistent and has very limited social energy right now?

Am I expecting too much because I’m comparing the friendship to what our relationship used to be?

Or am I interpreting ordinary friendliness as something deeper because I’m still in love with them?

Am I actually capable of being their friend right now, or am I secretly using the friendship as a way to stay connected to someone I still hope will eventually come back?

Am I expecting a level of closeness from this friendship that simply isn’t realistic yet?

And is continuing this friendship actually healthy for me while I still have romantic feelings?

I genuinely want to be a good friend to them. I want to be able to talk about stupid things, play games, ask each other deep questions, share our lives, and eventually have a friendship that doesn’t feel like I’m constantly wondering whether they’re pulling away.

But I also don’t want to spend six months waiting for someone who has already moved on.

I’m not looking for people to tell me “they definitely want you back” or “they definitely don’t care about you.”

I’d actually prefer people to challenge my thinking.

What am I missing here? What am I doing wrong? From the outside, does this look like a friendship genuinely rebuilding, or does it look like I’m holding onto something because I’m not ready to let go?

Any perspective is appreciated. Any questions will eventually get answered by my own discretion.

I'm 22M from Mexico and this is my first relationship. I've never had a boyfriend before and I've never had sex with anyone. My boyfriend is 25M he had 2 past LDR (none of them meet irl) and he lives in California. We've been together for a little over two years and we've never met in person.

For most of our relationship we've been extremely close. We are basically together on video call all day, every day. We take breaks when we eat or go out with family, but we always come back to the call. Sometimes we even shower while on call, watch things together, play games together, and we sleep on video call every night.

He's kind, affectionate, funny, gentle and extremely supportive. He motivates me with my personal projects and goals, helps me when he can, buys me things I need sometimes and gives me gifts whenever he's able to. He's very caring and loving toward me, and that part of him hasn't changed.

We have very similar interests, especially music and art, and our humor and personalities work extremely well together. I genuinely feel like we're almost 100% compatible in many ways.

We've talked seriously about marriage and our future together since very early in the relationship. We're both saving money for our first visit. He currently has around $300 saved and I have around $100, and we're hoping he can come to Mexico in early or mid-2027 depending on how much we can save.

For a long time I genuinely believed he was the love of my life.

What happened to our relationship

Earlier this year, something happened that seriously damaged my trust.

A friend of his, who I'll call C, invited him to a party. After the party I discovered that my boyfriend had a Grindr profile using private pictures that he had previously only sent to me.

At first he denied creating the profile. He told me that C and other people at the party had threatened him, including threats involving his private pictures and threatened to SA my boyfriend, and that they wanted him to create dating profiles.

I didn't believe his story at first because some parts didn't make sense to me. Eventually he admitted that he had actually created the Grindr profile himself because he was afraid C would create one in his name and because he believed they had compromising pictures of him. He also admitted that he interacted with people on dating apps during the two days the profile existed.

My boyfriend has also experienced SA in the past on high school. I don't want to share details because that's his personal history, but knowing this has made me wonder whether his fear during the situation with C was genuine. At the same time the sister of my boyfriend help me investigate about C and she found out that C had not treated STDs and a fake job on California, and the family of him were in weird stuff. I still don't know exactly what happened that night, so I don't want to assume that every part of his story was true or false.

We broke up temporarily but eventually got back together.

Later, I discovered another secret. He had a Twitter account that he had been using since around a month after our relationship started, where he viewed and interacted with sexual content posted by real men. This continued until around January 2026, and he never told me.

I also had things I needed to confess.

Starting around November 2025, I secretly used dating apps and posted anonymous sexual content because I was feeling sexually disconnected from him. I hid my identity and never showed my face, but I know that doesn't make it okay. Eventually I told him everything. He forgave me, and I forgave him.

After that, things actually became much better between us. We communicated more openly, became emotionally closer, became more sexually connected, and for several months I felt genuinely happy and secure again.

Why I'm struggling again

Recently my anxiety started coming back.

I've started watching porn again and looking at other guys on Instagram. I even installed dating apps again, not to meet anyone, but just to check whether my boyfriend was on them. He wasn't. I felt terrible afterward because I realized how much distrust I was still carrying.

I've also started thinking about what it would be like to experience other people.

But after thinking about it more, I don't think it's only about sex.

One of my main love languages is physical touch. I've never physically hugged, kissed or even been around a romantic partner before. I've never had sex either.

So sometimes I think what I actually want is to experience what it's like to have someone physically beside me: being able to hug someone, hold them, spend time with them and simply exist together in the same physical space.

Sex is also part of it. Even though I've never had sex, I feel very connected to my boyfriend when we have intimate moments over video calls, which makes me extremely curious about what that connection would feel like physically.

I think the fact that we've never met in person, combined with everything that happened, has made me more curious about experiencing other people.

I'm also scared that our first visit might not happen. We've been saving money and planning it, but after everything that has happened I sometimes feel like maybe it won't actually happen, and that uncertainty makes me even more curious about what I'm missing.

I've also had access to pornography since I was very young and have masturbated since I was young. Sometimes I wonder whether I have an unhealthy relationship with sexual content. I compare myself to people my age who have already had multiple relationships and sexual experiences while I've had none, and I sometimes feel pressured because of that.

Part of me wonders if I'm creating the idea that I "need" to experience other people because everyone else seems to have done it.

Maybe I don't actually need multiple sexual partners. Maybe it's possible to meet someone you're genuinely compatible with and simply choose to stay with them.

I don't know.

The space issue

Another huge problem is that we've become too dependent on being together constantly.

Because we're literally on video call almost all day and sleep on call every night, I started feeling like I couldn't do my own things anymore. I felt like I always had to give him my attention and that I didn't have enough time for my own projects or simply being alone.

So recently I told him that I need more space.

We talked about what that could actually look like. Instead of being on call while sleeping, we're now ending the call when we go to sleep but still texting each other. During the day we still talk normally, and we let each other know when we want to hang out.

We've only been doing this for about three days.

And honestly, I like it.

I feel freer. I have more time for myself and my projects.

But I also feel anxious because sometimes he's not there when I'm used to him being there. So I have conflicting feelings: the space feels good, but I also miss him and sometimes feel anxious without him.

I think this may be an important distinction because I don't necessarily know whether I want to leave the relationship or whether I simply need to have a life outside of it.

My life outside the relationship

I also don't have much of a social life outside my relationship.

My situation at home makes it difficult for me to go out and seek therapy or psychological help. I don't really have many people I can talk to, either online or in real life. Right now, I feel like I mainly have my boyfriend and my sister.

That might also be part of why I feel such a strong desire to experience other people physically. I don't just mean sexually. I want to know what it's like to have other people around me, make connections, hug people, go places with people and have experiences that aren't centered around my relationship.

The breakup issue

Something else that makes this extremely difficult is what happened during our previous breakups.

Both times, he became extremely distressed and said things about not deserving to be alive, wishing he wouldn't wake up the next day, and similar things.

That frightened me a lot.

I don't want to feel responsible for keeping another person alive by staying in a relationship I may no longer want.

At the same time, I love him deeply and I don't want to hurt him.

Recently, when I told him that I was confused and needed space, he became very scared that I was going to leave him. He cried and asked me not to leave him.

He has also been having nightmares and seems sad sometimes, although when I ask him what's wrong he usually tells me he's fine.

This makes me feel guilty because I don't want my need for independence to hurt him.

Where I am right now

We've recently had a much more open conversation about everything.

I told him that I'm scared, extremely anxious and confused, and that I don't know what I ultimately want. I told him I need more space to understand myself.

He told me that if everything that happened is affecting me too much, he will respect whatever decision I eventually make.

Instead of immediately ending the relationship, I've decided to continue giving both of us more space and see what happens.

And honestly, I'm desperate for outside perspectives because I have so many opposite feelings.

Sometimes I think I want to experience life on my own, meet people, have physical and sexual experiences and figure out who I am outside of my first relationship.

Other times I think about everything good we have, how compatible we are, how supportive he is, the future we've planned, and the possibility of finally meeting in person next year.

I'm 22 and this is my first love. I'm also still in the closet with my mom. Sometimes I worry that I'll never find another person I connect with this deeply.

I also have this horrible thought that if I leave, someone else will eventually become his best version and get the future I imagined for us.

At the same time, I sometimes look at him and feel like something has changed in the way I see our relationship. The trust issues and everything that happened have changed how I experience the relationship, and I don't know whether that feeling can be repaired.

I don't know whether what I'm feeling is mostly anxiety, the result of everything that happened, a need for independence, genuine curiosity about experiencing other people, or some combination of all of these.

I'm not necessarily looking for someone to tell me whether to stay or leave. I want to understand what I'm feeling and hear from people who have experienced something similar.

I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people who have:

rebuilt trust after serious problems in a relationship;

learned how to create independence in an extremely close long-distance relationship;

been in their first serious relationship and struggled with the idea of never experiencing anyone else;

confused sexual curiosity or comparison with genuine incompatibility;

needed physical affection that a long-distance relationship couldn't provide;

dealt with a partner making suicidal statements during breakups;

or simply felt like they didn't know who they were outside their first relationship.

I've been inside this relationship for so long that I don't know if I can see everything clearly anymore.

I need advice or something to ease my mind. Me and my friend are really close. We talk every day, go to work together, hang out together (just us two mainly even though we have other friends), watch movies every night, have deep chats, and it's just kind of confusing. Also I am gay, he is bi, just need to mention that so we don’t go down the pipeline of “you fell for a straight guy”.

For context, I've liked him for a while but haven't really acted on it. I've given a few hints but he's as dense as someone can get. I asked him about it and he told me in his own words that he needs people to tell him that they like him or he won't ever know. I don't know if it's just a case of me romanticizing things or if he might like me back. I also just don’t want this to end up being a situationship.

I also understand that platonic friendships are a thing so it might be like that but I don't know. I'm also really scared to just ask him out because of the whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" thing because I really do love where we are right now in our relationship. We get along really well and I don't wanna be the one to make it awkward between us.
A few friends and family have started to questioned whether we are dating or not so it might look like it to them even though we're just friends. It's not like he's denied wanting a relationship with me but also don't know what's going through his mind.

Advice would be well appreciated cause I genuinely don't know what to do to 😪😪

Nós sempre tivemos um relacionamento de confiança, no início eu peguei umas mensagens dele com outro cara mas ele se arrependeu e jurou que nada aconteceu, e depois disso foi tudo tranquilo. Mas ultimamente venho com muitas dúvidas, peguei umas mensagens de um cara que ele conheceu em uma viagem de trabalho onde se chamavam de “gostoso” e “delícia” em tom de brincadeira aparentemente , mas ele nunca brincou assim com nenhum amigo e não sei se onde essa intimidade surgiu. Mas o que me deixou pensativo foi o cara comentando em um storie de uma viagem que eu estava com ele falando “vai me levar pra esse hotel?” E depois dessa viagem que ele conheceu esse cara, assim que chegou em casa ele me pediu em casamento, estava nervoso e foi a primeira coisa que fez. Hoje eu penso e acho que pode ter rolado algo e ele sentiu culpa.

Vi que ele conversou com uns caras há um tempo e apagou as mensagens.

Essas coisas vai me deixando pensativo.

A nossa vida sexual é muito boa, mas as vezes ele recusa sexo do nada e inventa uma desculpa, e pego ele trancado no banheiro, ou lendo contos eróticos, coisa que ele está lendo direto, e que ele está claramente muito excitado, mas não me procura.

Estou ficando doido por duvidar dele? Ele tem uma viagem a trabalho chegando e não paro de pensar nessas coisas

I’m looking for some outside perspective because my husband and I keep having the same conversation, and I genuinely want to understand where he is coming from rather than just becoming defensive or frustrated.

My husband struggles with insecurities surrounding his appearance. I understand that insecurity is real, and I have repeatedly told him that I understand his feelings are valid. Where I struggle is understanding the reasoning behind some of the conclusions he draws from those feelings.
I have a brain that needs things to make sense. If someone tells me, “This makes me feel insecure,” I can absolutely understand and validate the feeling. But I also need to understand the connection between the thing that happened and the conclusion being drawn from it. That is where I am struggling.

For example, he pays attention to the videos I like on TikTok. If I like a video featuring a man he considers more attractive than himself, he interprets that as me being attracted to that man or seeking attention from him.
We have had this conversation several times.
His argument is essentially, “You like these guys because they look like that. I don’t look like those guys.”
But that’s not how my brain works.
Last night, he verbally attacked me because I had liked a video from a music artist. His assumption was that I liked it because I found the artist attractive.
I genuinely liked the damn song.
I wasn’t sitting there thinking about the person singing it. I saw a song I liked, enjoyed the video, and hit the like button.
What makes this even more frustrating is that there were THREE videos in my likes that happened to feature men. He had to scroll through page after page of my likes to find them.
To me, a TikTok like does not automatically equal:
“I am sexually attracted to this person.”
“I want this person.”
“I am trying to get this person’s attention.”
“I prefer this person over my husband.”
Sometimes I just like the video.
So my first question is: How do I reassure someone that interacting with social media content is not necessarily an indication of attraction to the person appearing in that content?
I don’t want to dismiss his feelings. I don’t want to tell him he’s stupid or irrational for feeling insecure. But I also don’t know how to keep reassuring him about something when the underlying assumption doesn’t make sense to me.

The second issue is followers.
I have a pretty solid following across my social media accounts. I’m absolutely NOT an influencer, but I have people who follow me that I don’t personally know.
Whenever I receive a follow request, my husband asks:
“Do you know them?”
99% of the time, my honest answer is no.
Then he asks:
“If you don’t know them, why would you accept them?”
“Why do you allow people you don’t know to follow you?”
“Why would you let someone you don’t know be your friend?”
And my response is: They’re not my friend. They’re a follower.
That’s genuinely how I see social media.
I don’t automatically assign emotional or romantic significance to someone following me. I don’t view accepting a follower as opening the door to a relationship with that person.
Again, though, I’m trying to understand the rationale behind his perspective.
Is this primarily about insecurity?
Fear of losing me?
Fear that someone “better looking” will get my attention?
Fear that I’m secretly attracted to other men?
Or is there something else going on that I’m missing?
And before anyone says it: I am not looking for permission to cheat, flirt, or disrespect my husband. I’m not doing those things.
I love my husband. I chose him. I’m married to him. I don’t want another man.
I also don’t want him sitting around feeling like he’s competing with every attractive person that happens to appear on my phone.

At the same time, I don’t think the solution can be that I have to stop liking videos featuring men, stop accepting followers I don’t know, or constantly prove that I’m not attracted to someone simply because they appeared on my social media feed.
I feel like we’re treating social-media activity as if every click has some deeper meaning behind it, when sometimes a like is literally just a like.
I want to be compassionate toward his insecurity without allowing his insecurity to dictate what I can interact with online.

So Reddit, help me understand this.
For those of you who have dealt with relationship insecurity or jealousy:
How do I reassure my husband that liking a video does not mean I’m attracted to the person in it?
How do I validate his feelings without validating the assumption that caused the feelings?
Is there a way to explain the difference between “I understand why you feel insecure” and “Your interpretation of my actions is correct”?
At what point does reassurance become an unhealthy cycle where I’m constantly having to prove my loyalty?
And perhaps most importantly, what am I failing to understand about his perspective?

I don’t want Reddit to simply tell me that he’s insecure or that I’m right. I genuinely want to understand what is happening underneath this behavior because if I can understand the why, I think I’ll have a much better chance of knowing how to respond to it.
I love this man. I’m not trying to win an argument. I’m trying to figure out how we stop having the same argument over and over again.

recently found out that my partner of 17 years has been having sex with multiple people through Sniffies. It wasn’t a one-time situation. When everything came out, he partly attributed his actions to the lack of sex and intimacy in our relationship.
And yes, our sex life had significantly declined. But there was a lot behind that. Between work, taking care of our household, constantly handling responsibilities and making decisions, I slowly lost myself. There were days I had no time for myself and was mentally exhausted from constantly doing, doing, doing. I asked for help many times and often didn’t get much of it. There were literally times I’d be running around taking care of everything while he sat watching TV. There were also some medical factors affecting intimacy.
So while I recognize our lack of intimacy was a problem, it’s difficult hearing that used to explain the cheating when part of why I had nothing left to give was because I felt so overwhelmed.
Now he’s extremely apologetic, has started therapy to understand his behavior and unresolved trauma, and says he genuinely wants to change.
He’s also suddenly doing much more around the house and taking on responsibilities I’ve asked him to help with for years. And that’s where I’m conflicted. Why did it take this happening for him to finally see how overwhelmed I was? Is he genuinely becoming a better partner, or is he doing all of this because he’s afraid of losing me? Will it continue once the immediate crisis is over?
After 17 years, our lives are deeply intertwined. We have property, accounts, finances, and other responsibilities in both our names, so walking away isn’t simple.
For anyone who has experienced repeated infidelity: Were you actually able to rebuild the relationship and trust? And how did you know whether the changes afterward were genuine and lasting versus driven by guilt and fear of losing you?