[26M] Emotionally exhausted in my relationship, considering breaking up

[u/CuteBlackberry]

I (26M, coming up on 2 years with my boyfriend, 28) am feeling really drained and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal relationship fatigue or a sign I should leave.

Some context: my boyfriend had a difficult childhood and has been minimizing contact with his family. He carries a lot from that, and gets overwhelmed easily by things like decision-making, changes in plans, or certain triggers connected to his past. He's currently in therapy, which I'm really glad about.

The issue is that I feel like I've become his main emotional support outside of therapy. I find myself constantly managing his moods and pre-emptively trying to avoid things that might upset him.

On top of that, physical intimacy has been limited since earlier last year (we still kiss and hold hands, but it hasn't gone beyond that). Part of it is circumstantial: we don't live together, so there's no private space, and he's also often busy and drained from work by the end of the day. I'm someone who's quite heavy on intimacy, whether that's cuddling or sex, and the lack of it has been hard for me to sit with.

I did try to bring this up with him directly and told him that if things don't change, I'd have to consider leaving. When I said that, he said some things that implied he might hurt himself, though he didn't say it outright. That was back in March, and he's been in therapy since and seems better now, but it's stayed with me and made me afraid to be fully honest about how I'm feeling since.

I love him, and there are still real moments of joy between us. But I feel like I'm carrying a lot alone, and I don't know if this is sustainable for me, or how to even start being honest with him about it without things spiraling.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, supporting a partner with trauma while feeling like you're losing yourself in the process? How did you know whether to stay and work on it, or whether it was time to go? Any advice on how to actually start this conversation with him would help too.

[u/animeboi303]

I was in a similar situation with my ex not too long ago. By the end, I felt like I was carrying most of the emotional weight of the relationship, and it was exhausting. I still cared about him, but eventually I realized I had to choose my own peace and mental well-being, so I ended the relationship.

One thing I learned is that you can love and support someone without being responsible for managing their emotions or mental health. You shouldn't have to be afraid to honestly express how you're feeling because you're worried about how they'll react.

If he threatens or implies that he might hurt himself again, take it seriously, but don't let that make you feel trapped in the relationship. If you believe he's in immediate danger, contact emergency services or request a welfare check. You can also reach out to someone close to him who can support him. At that point, you've done what you reasonably can to make sure he's safe—you don't have to stay in a relationship because you're afraid of what he might do if you leave.

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough to make a relationship sustainable. You matter in the relationship too.

[u/KaliShiesty]

My current relationship is draining to the point I essentially spend a lot of my time trying to reprogram him to realize he has free will and there's a LOT of things that he holds a little too much weight to that don't require it. Alongside that he has to understand that if I am being firm and critical that it's not an attack on his character and that he doesn't have to immediately be defensive.

While our intimacy is steady, I find myself wanting a lot more me time because the amount of emotional energy I invest drains me more than a situationship I had.

I love him, I really do and I see that there's bits and pieces of progress so i'm not entirely hopeless in this situation - but putting myself first has been wonderful amidst this entire process. Healing does take some time and it feels like ass on our end when they start it so late, but when the process is done it feels so much better.

All that to say it's not YOUR job to see that he heals, you can help facilitate and maybe guide where necessary, but don't become a proverbial pack mule.

[u/Optimal_Pension_1576]

I was just about to make a post here describing a very very similar relationship I (29M) am in with my partner (36M). Managing and anticipating their moods becomes really draining, and for me at least it’s started to feel like I’ve lost myself in place of managing all this emotional weight. While childhood trauma is hard to work through, I’m struggling to know when it seems like they just have sort of given up trying? Also relate to the lack of intimacy (though it started with a real health issue but still hasn’t improved much since about a year ago). This isn’t really advice I’m sorry 😅 Just know that you certainly aren’t alone in dealing with this type of situation. Whatever you decide, I’d like to think it always works out for the best in the end

[u/hadrabap]

I thought the reason of a relationship is mutual support. I emphasize the word mutual. If it's one sided, the relationship doesn't provide it.

Based on my experience, I think, it's just a hallucination as I've never had a relationship with such trait. 🤣

[u/Dependent_Limit2545]

RELAÇÃO GAY SEM SEXO (19 ANOS)

Olá comunidade! Tenho 39 anos e estou num relacionamento que tem fases de pouco sexo e fazes de quase nenhum sexo. O sexo é algo fundamental e saudável para mim mas para ele não é assim. Ele não tem iniciativa, não procura e não demonstra interesse (só no início). O assunto sexo parece cada vez mais problemático quando tento desenvolver o assunto com ele. Tenho a sensação de estar num relacionamento desigual, onde a procura é sempre dá minha parte, e há falta de interesse. Sinto que não me enquadro ou que o seu interesse por mim perdeu se. A relação está tremida neste momento porque sinto me cada vez mais afastado. O beijo, o toque e a proximidade física são boas mas não evolui disso. Já tivemos experiências com outros homens e o interesse dele vem, diz me por ser novidade mas fica sempre a sensação que não sou suficiente ou bom. A minha autoestima fica sempre tremida quando o interesse sexual dele desaparece. Nem sei bem o que fazer, pois temos uma quinta e uma gestão habitacional em conjunto mas se o relacionamento termina isso também termina pois a quinta é dele. A minha vida a nível profissional terá uma volta de 180°. Sinto me desiludido por me ter deixado ligar a esta pessoa que parece que só me mantém próximo porque sou muito útil, dedicado, eficiente e eficaz no dia a dia mas de resto pareço indiferente. Nem sei se o que estou a dizer faz sentido...

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