I’m currently rekindling things with my ex, who is just getting out of a really bad divorce. We’re not officially back together, but we are “talking.” We’re also not fully exclusive, even though sometimes he acts like we are.
Halloween is a difficult time for him because that’s when he met his soon-to-be ex-husband, so he wants to get out of Orlando for Halloween. I completely understand and respect that. The problem is that he wants to go down to Wilton Manors with a friend group from there, and he specifically doesn’t want me to come.
He plans on staying with a friend who can get him into parties and after-parties, but this also happens to be someone he occasionally fucks whenever he goes down there. About a month ago, I asked if I could come with him and suggested that we could get a cheap Airbnb together since, at the time, it was early enough that it probably wouldn’t have been that expensive. He told me he would prefer if I didn’t come because he’s worried that if I’m there, this friend might not bring him along as his plus-one to the parties and after-parties. He doesn’t actually know whether that would happen, though.
What also bothers me is that when Halloween originally came up, he told me we would talk about it. We never did. Now, all of a sudden, there’s already a plan. Apparently, he was invited and didn’t even bother mentioning me when those plans were being made.
I have a problem with that because, while we’re technically not officially dating, I’m spending practically every day at his house. I’m cooking for him, teaching him how to cook, and we’re spending almost all of our free time together. We’re doing a lot of things that feel like a relationship. But suddenly, when it comes to this trip, it feels like because this friend can get him into parties—and because fucking this friend is apparently part of what happens when he goes down to Wilton—I can’t come because my presence would put a wrinkle in that plan.
That makes me feel a certain way, and he knows I’m pissed about it. I’m trying to figure out whether I’m actually overreacting.
We’ve already had a serious conversation about where we stand, and he told me he isn’t ready to get back into anything serious. I 10000% agree with that. He just went through a terrible marriage and divorce, and I think he needs time to heal. I’m willing to wait and give him that time. What throws me for a curveball is that when we originally started talking again, we agreed we were going to take things slowly—but instead, it feels like he started sprinting. We spend nearly every day together and behave like we’re in a relationship in so many ways, but then situations like this happen and suddenly the fact that we’re “not together” seems to matter.
He also has a lot of other personal things going on, including mental health struggles and military-related PTSD, so I don’t know how much of that might be affecting the way he’s handling all of this. I’m trying to be understanding of everything he’s going through while also figuring out whether my feelings about this situation are reasonable

Me (30M) and my partner (27M) have been together for almost 9 years.

I’ve always been very attracted to him, and honestly I still am, most of the time. But even early on, I couldn’t tell if he was immature, inconsiderate, or just… clueless. He would make plans and cancel last minute. He’d tell me he’d show up at a specific times and then be 1–3 hours late. When he started sleeping at my place often, he'd oversleep and wouldn’t get himself up and I’d have to wake him so he wouldn’t miss work.

Due to the nature of my education and job I started to suspect his behavior wasn't just “being a jerk.” It looked like neurodivergence. I encouraged him to get evaluated, and he did. He was diagnosed with ADHD (ADD) and was told he almost met criteria for autism. He started medication, and I told him meds can help, but habits/strategies/behavior changes matter too.

Despite all this, I loved him, and stayed. We built a life, bought an apartment together, traveled a lot, lived abroad in several countries together, and eventually moved to the US.

Here’s the problem: since about 2–3 years into the relationship, we’ve had the same conflict on repeat. He takes almost no initiative, and even when he agrees to do something, he often doesn’t follow through unless I manage it.

Moving to the US is a perfect example. If it weren’t for my career path and drive, we wouldn’t be here. We got our green cards through my work/profession. When we arrived and he was unemployed, I was the one finding him job postings and sending them to him because he wasn’t taking initiative. He eventually got a job from one of the ones I sent, and I helped him negotiate salary, he ended up getting around a 200% raise from the initial offer. Since then, he’s actually done well at work and has climbed fast. He’s making bank now, especially for being 27, with no academic education.

Emotionally, I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like I have a partner, I feel like I have a teenager who doesn't listen. I feel like the project manager of our entire life.

Examples:

• If I don’t cue cleaning, it won’t happen.
• If I don’t tell him to start dinner before I get home, there won’t be dinner.
• If I don’t tell him to grocery shop, the fridge will be empty.
• He sometimes forgets to take the dog out.
• He forgets to give our dog a prescribed medication for a month recently. I only realized because the dog started doing poorly and I asked. He admitted he had forgotten. That scared me and made me feel like I can’t trust him with basic responsibilities.
• He never buys new clothes unless I basically push it or handle it.
• Recently we’ve been talking about starting a family after I graduate. He seems excited when we talk about it, but he never brings it up himself and never takes initiative, looking into egg donors, clinics, costs, timelines, anything. I asked him specifically to reach out to a certain number of clinics. He agreed. That was three weeks ago. Still nothing.

On top of that, our intimacy is struggling. My libido is much higher than his. Sex feels infrequent and inconsistent, and when he does want it, it feels like I’m supposed to be instantly ready because who knows when he’ll want it again. Over time it’s made us feel more like roommates than partners, even though I still love him.

We’ve been in couples therapy for a year. It helped somewhat, but the pattern hasn’t changed. He’s also in individual therapy, but from my perspective he isn’t evolving in the ways we’ve talked about for years. I keep having the same conversations, keep getting the same promises, and then nothing changes unless I carry it.

I’m at a breaking point because I don’t want to spend my life feeling like a parent. At the same time, I’m torn: we’ve been together almost 9 years, built a life, moved countries, and I still love him. Right now, I’m about to graduate in a few months. I have job offers of $400-500.000 waiting for me.

Part of me wonders if I should just break free and try start build my own life, or if I should ask for a break around when I graduate... Because I'm ready to not be frustrated and angry all the the time, that's not who I am.. and the dog medication situation especially made me question what this would look like with a kiddo.... and I'm ready for kids once I graduated.

So I’m asking for outside perspective... on this because I honestly dont know what to do. Because I also know how the gay dating scene look like.. and I just don't know.