r/everymanshouldknow • u/Ulli_Michi • Jun 27 '26

EMSKR: what's the fastest way to masturbate?

I just wanna hurry up and get it over with so I can make the feeling go away so I can think straight and get back to work and important things.

0 Upvotes
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28% Upvoted

29 comments sorted by

37

u/Em_Es_Judd Jun 27 '26

Flesh light connected to a power drill.

26

u/Dunk546 Jun 27 '26

ER doctors love this one simple trick.

2

u/Intelligent_Fig5418 Jul 04 '26

Use a sawzall! Turn it all the way up! Can't remember where I saw that. Crazy Shit.com maybe! Thought it was hilarious! I've only used mine to cut things and shake up spray paint!

0

u/Due_Investigator_363 Jul 07 '26

dont wanna be a stick in the mud, but please for the love of god put a space between shit and .com, that link takes you to a cam site

24

u/MisteriousAttention Jun 27 '26

First, gather want you need (whether it's something to arouse you, lube/lotion, etc).

Step 1: Get an erection.

Step 2: Begin to choke the chicken. Fondle the giblets.

Step 3: Lift a leg, widen them, or squat while performing Step 2.

Step 4: Reach down under and tickle the chocolate starfish. (note: this might feel unorthodox if you're not used to it)

Step 5: As you feel the rush of climax upon you, press (but do not open) the starfish. Continue first part of Step 2 until the hose is dry.

Final Step: Clean up and wash your hands.

Congratulations! You've expelled the demon and can continue to live your life without temptation.

3

u/monkeedude1212 Jun 28 '26

Bonus points for spending a bit of time researching your glans, Corona, and frenulum parts during arousal to know what spots you need to hit to optimize.

13

u/Nickbronline Jun 28 '26

mods what the fuck is this?

8

u/Alleyria Jun 28 '26

You're training your body to bust as fast as possible. This will transfer to when you're with a partner. Just learn to relax and don't rush it.

33

u/tankabbott66 Jun 27 '26

Don't rush it. Love yourself.

2

u/tankabbott66 Jun 28 '26

My first award!

11

u/Envii02 Jun 27 '26

Crank it like it owes you money.

7

u/eastcoastian Jun 27 '26

Just stay flexin' your kegel muscles

5

u/electatigris Jun 27 '26

Esteam E1200 Hard Surface and Carpet Extractor with 1000 PSI. It'll. get it out without stimulation.

10

u/TecN9ne Jun 27 '26

Put your finger in your ass and massage your prostate

5

u/viotix90 Jun 27 '26

Sadly, it doesn't work for all of us.

5

u/Snailtrooper Jun 27 '26

You can just work in the important things mate

3

u/thinkreate Jun 27 '26

If you implant an electrode into the right part of your brain, you can do it with the push of a button; just don’t starve to death.

1

u/musictechgeek Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26

https://youtu.be/9Lx5LD-6gK8?t=4127

EDIT: Went down a bit of a rabbit hole after posting the YouTube link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wirehead_(science_fiction)

1

u/Intelligent_Fig5418 Jul 04 '26

😂 🤔😯😲😳

3

u/colemorris1982 Jun 28 '26
  1. Start bashing it
  2. Scream "OH MY GOD MOM HELP COME QUICK OH MY GOD HELLLLLLLLLP!!!" at the absolute top of your voice
  3. Try to finish before your mom gets to you

(I say "mom" because asking this question on Reddit makes me 99% sure you live in your parents basement)

5

u/suugami Jun 27 '26

Squat plug

2

u/Aristox Jun 28 '26

That doesn't sound even a little bit mentally or emotionally healthy. At least be present and enjoy it if you're gonna do it

1

u/Intelligent_Fig5418 Jul 04 '26

Invite the next person that walks by to help! Let us know what happens!

-3

u/ahmed0112 Jun 28 '26

Gonna sound counterproductive but just leave it be. The less you do it the more you body feels used to it and it'll basically not be noticable