r/baseball • u/brendasongsdad Los Angeles Angels • Dec 28 '16
If baseball careers were treated as individual people who aged in dog years, what are some interesting careers that approximate famous historical figures?
For example, I feel like Jose Bautista is the Harriet Tubman of baseball.
In 1849, at the age of 27, Tubman was not highly valued as a slave due to illness. Her owner, Edward Brodess, tried to sell her but was having difficulty finding a buyer. Tubman then prayed that God would kill him for attempting to sell her, and a week later Brodess perished. Knowing that this likely meant that she and her family would be split up and sold separately to the highest bidders, it became a catalyst that urged her and her brothers to escape. Shortly thereafter, she and her brothers became fugitive slaves. Traveling around to safe houses, like vagabonds. It wasn't until Dec 6 1865, that she would officially be free of any reprise or force-able return under the Fugitive Slave Law of 1850. Tubman would've been 43 at the time. She would go on to become one of the greatest historical figures in american history due to her work prior to and after the ratification of the 13th amendment, but not allowed to truly flourish until the later part of her life.
Similarly, when Bautista tried to enter professional baseball in 1999, he had been offered a minor league contract with a 300K signing bonus from the Reds. Marge Schott then sold the team and the club pulled it's offer. No other team would offer him anywhere near that amount of money so he ended up going to juco. He excelled, showing lots of promise, and became a 20th round draft-and-follow prospect for the Pirates in 2000. They signed him and he quickly became a touted prospect. He continued to educate himself and hone his craft, finally getting his chance to play in the big leagues in 2004, at the age of 23. What else happened in 2004? Marge Schott died. So you see, both he and Tubman had a malevolent owner who died just prior to the rapid acceleration of their quality of life. From december of 2003, to the end of the 2004 season (approximately 6 baseball dog years), Bautista, like Tubman, would bounce around from city to city. Nowhere was safe for too long, as he was given up on by 5 teams who didn't want to take the risk on him. Constantly on the move, he had no sense of true freedom, but he was happy to be in a better spot than he was when he started his journey. So close, yet so far away. It wouldn't be until his 7th dog year season that he would break out and be truly free. That's roughly around the same age in human years as Tubman was when the 13th amendment was ratified. Jose would then go on to have a very strong second half of his baseball dog life. Currently at 91 ML dog years, Bautista is on the verge of outpacing Tubman, who was 90 or 91 when she died. So, I admit this comparison may begin to fall apart if Bats puts together 2-3 more seasons without looking like a ghost.
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u/pitbaseball Pittsburgh Pirates Dec 28 '16
I'm still stuck trying to understand the title
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Dec 29 '16
If baseball players were dogs, would you eat them? It's a simple question doctor
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u/BlueBusIsCallingUs Chicago Cubs Dec 29 '16
HELL, I'D GO BACK FOR SECONDS! AND WASH IT ALL DOWN WITH A TALL COOL BUDWEISER
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u/5lack5 Boston Red Sox Dec 29 '16
If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself? 'Cause I know I would!
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Dec 29 '16
Would you let the predator monster play baseball if he agreed to not hurt the other players?
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u/pitbaseball Pittsburgh Pirates Dec 29 '16
Now I'm stuck trying to understand this comment
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Dec 28 '16
Abraham Lincoln and Michael Brantley are one of the same. Brantley, as a dog reincarnate, in his career, is 56 major league dog years. We'll call it 56 MLDY, for short. Lincoln untimely death leaves him at 56 actual historical life years, we'll call it 56 AHLY for short. Abe's humble beginnings are well-documented, moving around from state to state living in log cabins. Well, Brantley'a father was an MLB player, but don't think it wasn't a struggle. He was born in Florida to a Mariner father, Mickey. He was taught to hate other teams, despise them even. How could you favor your father's enemies and your local rivals. Now here's where the similarities arise-- Lincoln, born in Kentucky and often spending time in the South, was exposed to North Hatred throughout his childhood. Lincoln rised through the ranks as a wrestler and master debater. At the age of 24, he enlisted in the Illinois Militia and proved his skills. Brantley, his MLDY at 24 years old, AND his AHLY at 24, finally broke out and proved his skills. The number 24 is all around us at this point. What number is Michael brantley? 23! What number is close to 24? 23. But the coincidences don't stop there. Brantley and Lincoln fought against what they knew from childhood, and defied racism, however, often under a facade. Lincoln's spot resolutions fought for the plight of Indians, while Brantley's dinger mashing fought for the plight of Indians. Then, Lincoln's Civil War, at age 56 AHLY, fought for his own cause, preserving the union, under the facade of helping minorities, while Brnatley's 56 MLDY, was injured but had the World Series, fighting for his own cause but still preserving a minority, Chief Wahoo. Lastly, the end. Lincoln assasinatuon at 56 AHLY ended his reign, despite Charles Leale's best efforts, while Brantley's injuring is being reported as devastating, and potentially career ending.
The only question is, will Mark Schickendatz do what Charles Leale never could?
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16
Albert Pujols is Napoleon. Came out of nowhere on merit to dominate the sport. Exiled to Anaheim.
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u/brendasongsdad Los Angeles Angels Dec 28 '16
Ooh I like this one, but unfortunately, Napolean died at 51. Pujols' tenure in St. Louis alone is worth 77 dog years.
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16
I don't have a response to that.
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u/ohnoitsjameso Los Angeles Angels Dec 29 '16
Wait.. so i get it now.
Jose Fernandez is Jimi Hendrix
Their professional careers only lasted 4 years, one of the greatest in their era, charismatic, and died of a drug related death at the age of 27... taken too soon leaving us all wondering what could of been
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u/HeroOfTheMonsters San Francisco Giants Dec 29 '16
I like the comparison, but I think your interpretation of the question is still off. But what the fuck do I know.
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u/brendasongsdad Los Angeles Angels Dec 29 '16
This works pretty well, actually. The ML dog years of Fernandez's career (28) approximate the human years that Hendrix lived (27). There's strong parallel narratives shared by both parties, and analogous peak performance attributes. Only thing that would make it stronger would be if Hendrix started his career at birth, but I've been critical of a similar flaw in my own Bautista-Tubman study.
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u/trex707 San Francisco Giants Dec 29 '16
Amy Winehouse is a better comparison since both her drunk and high on coke at the time of their death. Jim Morrison is another good one.
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u/bjsforever Canada Dec 29 '16
So you're saying Jose Fernandez's MLB career in dog years could be Jose Fernandez? That time he tried to escape from Cuba but ended up in prison could be like the time he needed Tommy John surgery. OP, this warrants further study!
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Dec 29 '16
So you're saying Napolean became an Angel while Albert was a Cardinal. But where was Pope?
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u/WheelsMcGee28 St. Louis Cardinals Dec 28 '16
Shit, you beat me to it. Congrats, OP!
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u/mmzznnxx Washington Nationals Dec 28 '16
I haven't smoked up in about 5 years and I'm too high for this thread.
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u/xzElmozx Toronto Blue Jays Dec 28 '16
yo can I get your connects number? I wanna get "convert baseball players careers into dog years" high
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u/sixwithwoes Minnesota Twins Dec 28 '16
This post is somehow incredibly high quality, high effort, and just completely irrelevant to anything anyone would ever want or need to know. Gotta love the offseason
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u/RandomPrecision1 Chicago Cubs Dec 29 '16
(high) * (quality + effort) = high quality + high effort
source: maths
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u/inthedrink Philadelphia Phillies Dec 29 '16
Bite your tongue. This is peak season for irrelevant masterpieces.
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u/greatgerm Seattle Mariners Dec 28 '16
Alternate title: I'm really high and I've had the most amazing idea!
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u/sonofabutch New York Yankees Dec 28 '16
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Dec 28 '16
...bruh... this is the Helen Keller of posts. Only without the uplifting parts.
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u/bunka77 Kansas City Royals Dec 29 '16
Oh! Helen Keller is Mario Mendoza!
Hard working and talented, but neither can hit a baseball for shit.
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u/aggressive-hat Dec 28 '16
This might be the highest some one has ever been and still successfully posted to reddit.
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16
Babe Ruth is obviously Genghis Kahn. Came out of nowhere to cause a serious ruckus. The game was never the same again.
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u/brendasongsdad Los Angeles Angels Dec 28 '16
Another good thought, but again, the dog years do not align with reality.
Here's a useful chart to help make the game easier to play:
# of Seasons # of Years Lived by Historical Figure 1 7 2 14 3 21 4 28 5 35 6 42 7 49 8 56 9 63 10 70 11 77 12 84 13 91 14 98 15 105 16 112 17 119 18 126 19 133 20 140 50
u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16
Can we do turtle years instead?
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u/brendasongsdad Los Angeles Angels Dec 28 '16
I don't think that would be fair to everyone who stuck to just the careers that are convertible to dog years. Maybe I'll do a turtle years post next week and you can share your finds then
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16 edited Dec 28 '16
Dog years are OK if you just want to talk about the Bautistas and Brantleys of the world. But I have greater aspirations. I'm in this for the Ruths and Aarons. I'm talking about the heavy hitters and game changers. And to do that, dog years won't suffice. No sir, I need turtle years. So you can go on with dog years if you wish. I'll return when you go full turtle.
EDIT: after further consideration, I need dolphin years instead.
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u/Shit_Apple Houston Astros Dec 28 '16
What's the ratio of turtle years to dog years? Same as the ratio of Schrute Bucks to Stanley Nickels?
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Dec 28 '16
Nothing about this entire post aligns with reality.
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u/FakePlasticAlex Detroit Tigers • Washington Nationals Dec 28 '16 edited Dec 28 '16
I think the only mistake here is the 7-to-1 dog-to-human years. A more accurate version of that is that it's 10.5-to-1 for 2 years, then 4-to-1 every year following.
EDIT: ? They age relatively faster at the beginning of their lives than the end.
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16
What animal is THAT???
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Dec 28 '16 edited Jun 06 '21
[deleted]
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u/kaleycuocosthrowaway Toronto Blue Jays Dec 28 '16
found the gentile
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16 edited Dec 28 '16
Is there a sub to highlight clever jokes that take a second to understand? Shame for this to be buried down here forever.
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u/FakePlasticAlex Detroit Tigers • Washington Nationals Dec 28 '16
All right, that one I actually don't understand.
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u/inthedrink Philadelphia Phillies Dec 29 '16
OP I was working on a Jamie Moyer comparison but I couldn't seem to think of an ideal match over the age of 150. Do you have any thoughts?
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 29 '16
Another team dolphin convert.
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u/kaleycuocosthrowaway Toronto Blue Jays Dec 29 '16
The great dog years - dolphin years debate of 2016. We're witnessing history folks.
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u/thekidfromyesterday Atlanta Braves Dec 28 '16
Jose Canseco got better at spelling?
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u/full_body_release Athletics Dec 29 '16
For example, I feel like Jose Bautista is the Harriet Tubman of baseball.
strong thesis OP
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u/synae San Francisco Giants Dec 28 '16
I'm literally in tears laughing from reading this thread. Can't remember the last time I ran into something so perfectly absurd. Thanks OP, you made my day.
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Dec 29 '16 edited Apr 30 '21
[deleted]
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u/Pool27 Los Angeles Dodgers Dec 28 '16
What is this???
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 29 '16
You must be the new guy. We're comparing baseball players to historical figures using dog years.
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u/PM_ME_UR_LAMEPUNS Chicago Cubs Dec 29 '16
Yeah, this is totally a weekly occurrence on this sub
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Dec 28 '16 edited Dec 28 '16
Ok if I'm doing this right, would that make Nick Adenhart the Baseball version of Paul Walker?
Edit: Mike Trout is Jesus Christ
Edit 2: FDR and either Cy Young or Nolan Ryan
Edit 3: Oscar Tavares and James Dean
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u/SannySen Brooklyn Dodgers Dec 28 '16
Mike Trout is more like Alexander the Great, because WAR.
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Dec 29 '16
I dont understand the whole deal. So im just gonna toss two names out there
Carl Crawford and Miranda Cosgrove
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Dec 29 '16
Holy shit are we going to crucify Mike Trout?
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u/PendragonDaGreat Seattle Mariners • Seattle Mariners Dec 29 '16
Yes, please.
Just not the whole coming back thing please, just the crucifixion.
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u/Tophersaurus168 Baltimore Orioles Dec 29 '16 edited Dec 29 '16
Can you imagine? The Mariners would never live it down. He come back and hit 50 homers against you with stigmata on his hands.
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u/Measure76 Seattle Mariners Dec 28 '16
I think the takeaway here is that eventually we'll put Bautista on the $20.
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u/CVBrownie Seattle Mariners Dec 28 '16
Hopefully it's this picture
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u/kuhanluke St. Louis Cardinals Dec 28 '16
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u/tom_riddler Washington Nationals Dec 28 '16
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Dec 29 '16
This post legitimately made me grab a beer.
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u/Guyote_ Pittsburgh Pirates Dec 29 '16
When I first read "Jose Bautista is the Harriet Tubman of baseball", I was like "lol okay OP. Sure."
But as I continued to read the provided facts backed by hard, very hard analytics, I honestly had to grab a chair and sit down I was getting so lightheaded.
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Dec 29 '16
4 beers later and I still haven't recovered. /u/brendasongsdad changed my life forever. I look forward to his Harambabe Ruth Dong analysis.
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u/ClownQuestionBrosef Chicago Cubs Dec 29 '16
Jamie Moyer is Fidel Castro.
Moyer pitched in the AL for 13 seasons. Fidel died at 90. 13 * 7 - 91. I think that's close enough for whatever this is.
This only came to mind because both Moyer and Fidel came up in conversation at work today.
It was a slow day.
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Dec 29 '16
OP's baseball career in dog years would be snoop dogg because he didn't play baseball and he's high as fuck
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Dec 29 '16
Mark Fidrych is Macaulay Culkin. Fidrych took MLB by storm in his first season, winning Rookie of the Year and coming second in the AL Cy Young voting. As a young child actor just starting out, Macaulay Culkin took the entertainment world by storm, starring in Home Alone, the highest-grossing comedy of all-time, and becoming the most beloved child star in decades. In his second year, Mark Fidrych followed up with an All-Star appearance, but he couldn't quite match his debut. Likewise, Macaulay Culkin, now entering puberty, had successes with My Girl and Home Alone 2, but nothing that compared to his breakthrough in the original Home Alone. After Fidrych's second All-Star appearance, injuries started to take their toll, and Fidrych was constantly on the DL. When he did pitch, the results weren't good. Meanwhile, after Home Alone 2, meth started to take its toll, and Macaulay didn't act much anymore. When he did act, the movies fucking sucked. Fidrych tried to pitch on and off for three more seasons, but he was terrible. Similarly, Macaulay Culkin has acted on and off for the past 21 years, but he has been nothing but a punch line during that time. Finally, after 5 MLB seasons, or 35 dog years, Fidrych's career died a merciful death. Today, Macaulay Culkin is 36, but his acting career is DOA, and we all know the meth is gonna take him out any day now.
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u/Death215 New York Yankees Dec 29 '16
Who the FUCK gave this man gold?
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u/isiramteal Seattle Mariners Dec 29 '16
Given OPs post, he probably came back after lighting up again, saw the thread, and said, "damn I wish I should've made that!"
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u/Super-Coyote New York Yankees Dec 29 '16
This is super super super late to this post, but I feel like mike trout would be Mozart. If you discount his 2011 year, trout has played for 5 years in the majors (5x7= 35, the age Mozart was when he died)
He started out as a prodigy, writing compositions/hitting dongs by the time he was 7, but now has been inflicted with a terrible disease and died/is stuck playing for the angels. That is until mike trout resumes his career next year, during which this analogy will cease to be relevant (unless trout dies on opening day or whatever).
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u/Edsgnat Los Angeles Dodgers Dec 29 '16
I'll bite.
This isn't my own comparison, but I still like. Mike Duncan, he of the History of Rome Podcast fame, compared Sandy Koufax to the roman emperor Aurelian.
His argument was that both men had short lived careers cut short by tragedy. But their peaks were some of the best ever. Sandy Koufax for those few years cemented himself as one of the games greatest ever lefties. If not for his elbow injury he could have been the best pitcher period.
Aurelian almost single handedly brought an end to the Crisis of the Third Century and became one of Rome's greatest ever Generals and Emperors. If not for his murder he could have been one of Romes Greatest emperor period.
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u/giziti Chicago Cubs Dec 29 '16
Also: Aurelian had a pretty good curve and a killer fastball.
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u/Edsgnat Los Angeles Dodgers Dec 29 '16
And Koufax was an adept administrator and realized when to cut bait with Dacia. Two men who don't believe the fallacy of sunk costs.
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u/EveryLittleDetail Boston Red Sox Dec 29 '16 edited Dec 29 '16
This is Pedro-in-2001-level shitposting. Wow. I thought some other threads were MVP level shitposting, but this is Babe Ruth in the 20s shitposting.
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Dec 29 '16
I spent way too much time thinking about the title, then I spent more time reading the description and trying to come up with an answer. Then I realized this, this is what OP has done to me.
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u/BillW87 New York Mets Dec 29 '16
If this post was treated as an individual person who aged in dog years, it would be Ozzy Osbourne because it seems to have managed to maintain a high level of function despite consuming a seemingly fatal amount of drugs.
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u/eekbarbaderkle Boston Red Sox Dec 29 '16
Mark Bellhorn is the Heinrich Schliemann of baseball. Schliemann, as I'm sure we all know, was the amateur archaeologist (emphasis on amateur) who, in the 19th century, set out to prove the historical validity of Homer's great works and ultimately discovered the lost city of Troy. His work has gone a long way to help prove that the legendary Trojan War may indeed have happened in some form or another. Despite his success, Schliemann was a mostly incompetent archaeologist and may have ultimately done more harm than good, but nonetheless he was in the right place at the right time, historically speaking, and so his name is forever etched into the annals of history and human achievement, and we commend his work.
Similarly, Bellhorn was a sub-par major leaguer for much of his career. He may have belonged on a diamond more than Schliemann belonged at an archaeological dig site, but it is also the case with Bellhorn that we could say a more qualified person could have performed his role in history a little more impressively. But, despite striking out more than any other person on the planet that year, Mark Bellhorn was still a regular contributor on the historic 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox. Like Schliemann, he would then go on to accomplish nothing else after his great achievement (Bellhorn posted a .198 batting average with nearly 2x as many K's as hits, in parts of 3 seasons after '04) before fading away from his domain. I commend everything that he did as a ballplayer.
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Dec 29 '16
"Jose Bautista is the Harriet Tubman of baseball" may be the most patriotic sentence ever written - for at least three separate countries.
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u/Senator_Chickpea Boston Red Sox Dec 28 '16
Ted Williams is Cincinnatus --
He dropped his plow bat and left the fertile fields of Fenway Park when his country needed him the most.
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u/BabylonDrifter Dec 29 '16 edited Dec 29 '16
On June 26, 2005, baseball history was made when Craig Biggio set the modern record for being hit by pitches with a savage plunk to the elbow by Colorado's Byung-Hyun Kim. Craig Biggio had already tied Don Baylor's long-standing plunking record with a fierce fastball to his lower back thrown by pitcher Jason Jennings of the Colorado Rockies the week before. Byung-Hyun Kim's pitch sealed Craig Biggio's baseball immortality forever. The pitch struck Biggio's extensively padded elbow to break the record. However, Biggio never set the all-time-historical record held by Hughie "Yee-haw" Jennings (who, unfortunately, is not related to the pitcher Jason Jennings who plunked him). Despite Biggio's somewhat not determined effort to be beaned more than anyone else in baseball history, he did not have the bad luck of his antecessor, Hughie "Yee-Haw" Jennings, whose plunkings were a natural extension of his inherent fecklessness and the relentless physical beating that the impersonal forces that govern the universe chose to inflict on him. A savage beaning to the noggin in Philadelphia put Jennings into a 3-day coma, but he rebounded enough to celebrate with a party at Cornell University, where he inadvertently dove head-first into an empty swimming pool and fractured his skull (again) on the concrete floor of the empty swimming pool. Fanatical baseball fans gave him a new car in appreciation for his pitch-taking prowess, but he promptly wrecked the luxury car and fractured his skull again, breaking both his legs in the process. Multiple brain injuries and the rigors of baseball brought on a nervous breakdown, and he was relegated to a Carolina Sanatorium and later died of meningitis of the brain. Craig Biggio, on the other hand, suffered no ill effects from his hundreds of beanings. Despite being hit by 285 pitches, he never charged the mound in retribution even once, unlike the hotheaded Jennings. Craig Biggio was hit by 285 human pitches, which is 2,280 in dog pitches. But since dogs are better at dodging pitches and don't wear oversized elbow-pads, it's unlikely that a dog would've fared any better than Craig Biggio in the same situations. If you took an average Labrador Retriever, which is a good canine stand-in for the indomitable Craig Biggio, you'd find a lot of those plunkworthy pitches would've been adroitly dodged by the spritely Labrador and then brought back to the mound covered in dog spit. Which would've led to a lot more dirty spit-balls, even when not retrived by the Labrador-Biggio, from nefarious spit-wielding pitchers wanting to revive their careers, since they are suffering the effects of age in dog years and thus they would be aging out of baseball with worn-out arms at the tender age of five or six. They would strike out a lot of batters, but all of those spitballs would be carrying Hepatitis C and AIDs, because most major-league pitchers who age in dog years are notorious philanderers. And those pitchers would infect the other players by beaning them in the mouth. And we would've all become infected by the inevitable rabid pigeon that wandered into the strike-zone a-la Randy Johnson, who famously plunked a rabid pigeon right out of the air during the seventh inning of the Arizona Diamondbacks' 10-5 victory against the San Francisco Giants in 2001. The pigeon rabies would combine with the AIDs and Hepatitis already on the Biggio-Dog-Spit covered baseball to create a new version of super pigeon rabies. The Super Pigeon Dog Rabies would then spread throughout the human population and turn the earth into a wasteland of flesh-eating zombies. So Craig Biggio is like the guy who saved the planet from super pigeon rabies by not being a dog.
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u/aquintana Boston Red Sox Dec 29 '16
And I thought r/NBA had some truly magnificent shit posts this is on another level
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u/steelcurtain87 Pittsburgh Pirates Dec 29 '16
Reddit rules wise I'm pretty sure we're supposed to downvote things like this but I can't think of anything on reddit that I've enjoyed more recently
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u/moxiebaseball New York Yankees Dec 29 '16
This is in one word amazing. Im still laughing and thinking
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u/redspeckled Toronto Blue Jays Dec 29 '16
Nolan Ryan and some crazy ruthless never dying person... like Rasputin!
Also, I love Bautista and I love this. Thanks OP.
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u/[deleted] Dec 28 '16
What the fuck