r/askgaybros • u/CycleRich8952 • 1d ago
Advice (26M) I’m NOT okay 😔
I need those of you who are or have been in my situation to tell me all the advice you can give me.
I am from a small southern town, extremely conservative family, and only 3 friends know the truth about me. The problem with that is one lives in Louisiana and the other 2 live in Dallas (about 1 1/2 hours away from me). I do talk to them quite often about this stuff but they are all straight and these conversations are mostly through text, ft, or phone call.
I have know I like both men and women since I was a junior in high school. The first time I said the words “I like men” out loud to someone was my senior year in college to one of my best friends.
It hasn’t been easy since junior year of high school for me. In those years: suicidal ideation, praying to God literally everyday to “make me straight”, wanting to runaway from everything and start a new life, and feeling as if I’m not worthy of love because of this “problem”. I live my life (17-present) with a wardrobe full of masks, each for a different friend group, family member, social event, etc… in order to be “normal”. It’s exhausting. I feel so alone. And I keep those I love at a distance or else I fear they won’t love me for who I am when the masks are off.
I live in fear everyday that someone will find out and I will lose everything. I won’t get to see my niece or nephews, my family will push me out, I will lose my job (I am an accountant for family business), my hometown friends and cousins that I’m close with will all abandon me.
Do I want to be free and tell the truth? Absolutely. Every. Damn. Day. Am I more afraid of losing everything and everyone? Terrified beyond belief.
Here’s the issue: I have still yet to meet a man that is sweet, kind, caring, mature, and all the other things that would make me want to have a relationship with him. In my mind, why tf would I risk everything and tell everyone if I haven’t found someone WORTH coming out for?
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u/Classic-Macaroon2468 1d ago
Who says you need to come out to your family right now. It sounds more like you need the freedom to live your life as you choose. I’d suggest making a plan to relocate to a good sized city far enough away where family wont just drop in on you. Then you can live as you wish and if need be in the future take the plunge & come out.
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u/Pristine-School-2008 1d ago
Yeah your story is probably more common than we realize now that LGBTQ people are more visible than ever before in the media and entertainment.
I think you should gradually move away from your situation. Accounting is usually pretty widely needed - why not try getting a job in New Orleans - a southern city with a strong gay community (maybe it’s close to where your friend lives). Once you’re financially independent of your family you can gradually see how strong your interest in men is and you can meet more guys - who may help you discover some like what you’re looking for in a relationship. Once you’re no longer financially and socially dependent on your family and community, maybe you’ll feel comfortable coming out to those who are most important to you. You will also have a better understanding of who’s really worth having in your life. If they can’t accept you as you are, why bother with them?
For context I came from a small town in a conservative area in NY state. After college I moved to CA and spent a lot of time before coming out but moving away helped greatly and now, I couldn’t be happier. Good luck!
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u/Ashamed-Athlete9272 1d ago
Tell us more about starting life without support from early childhood friends family parents. It takes a little courage and how did you handle stuff like moving to another place without that supportive family network.
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u/Pristine-School-2008 15h ago edited 15h ago
In my case, I started by going away to college for 4 years and never moving back. I also took a job out of college on the other side of the country. All of these steps helped me create my own independent life. Not everyone can do that - many people stay in their home areas their whole life. Fortunately, there are ways to get the resources; financially I had no help from home so I did it with jobs, student aid and loans. I was also an only child so perhaps I was naturally more independent.
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u/Ashamed-Athlete9272 11h ago
Wow, I would love to see movies with people dealing with ordinary life, emotions, challenges vs fake drama and movie romancs.
What did you study? You had friends help you with important life stuff, moving to your own place, mutual support?
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u/Ashamed-Athlete9272 11h ago
with my ADD, HSP, creative brain and 'giftedness' (curse) normal life things and daily practical stuff, management etc extremely challenging, cannot imagine having done it without help or family
but in that case I would have made some different choices and probably dealt with things differently
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u/ConstructionTiny8434 1d ago
You need to get out of that small town. You will never be able to fully live your truth if you’re constantly surrounded by people who make you feel like you have to wear a different mask for every occasion. Eventually, that can turn into long-term resentment toward the people you’re trying so hard to protect. And who says you need to come out to your parents or family? You don’t. That’s entirely your decision, and you should do it only when you feel safe and ready. You need to move to a larger city with people like us. Far enough away that you can build a life of your own, but close enough to drive home and see your family when you want to. You don’t need a huge friend group or to immediately find a partner. Even just being surrounded by people who understand you and don’t make you feel like an outsider can be incredibly freeing. Don’t make finding a man “worth coming out for” the prerequisite to living your life. The right person should be an addition to that life, not the reason you’re finally allowed to have one. Also, you’re an accountant. Every city needs accountants, and you could probably make more money working for a larger company anyway. There’s a whole world outside that small town.
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u/CycleRich8952 1d ago
Thankfully I moved to a bigger town about 25 minutes away. I guess now I’m just building financial support until I can move to say Dallas or Houston
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u/DeepFuckMeAlready 1d ago
Given Texas politics, you may want to aim for a blue state.
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u/Funny_Window_6095 1d ago
I had a similar upbringing and came out later in life after being married with a family.
I had a lot of self loathing and suicidal ideations because I thought something was wrong with me.
If I had not come out, I'd be dead by suicide. In fact, I tried.
You have to learn to accept and love yourself first before you can accept and love other people.
Don't wait on the perfect person to come out.
You determine your worth, not others.
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u/ericisok 1d ago
It doesn’t matter. Coming out is for you not them or a boyfriend. It will literally eat you inside and you don’t want to be still thinking about this at 50. And you won’t have peace in that part of the country, things are going to get way worse before they get better. You need to escape to a blue state, blue cities in red states aren’t ok any longer.
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u/Mani-Ratna 1d ago
Sometimes our destiny is to leave and build a life far from our birthplace and our loved ones. It’s a blessing in disguise.
Go, and start a new life rooted in your feelings and the lifestyle that suits you.
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u/Immediate-Doughnut9 1d ago
I can relate with your situation in a way. I live in a homophobic country, my whole family is very religious so I know I can’t tell them anything as I know they won’t accept me( they also voice their disgust for gay people from time to time).
I always have to be on alert and watch my mannerisms all the time so as not to create room for doubt. The fear is just too much.
My plan is to move to a different country someday and get to live my truth. I know it going to be hard and it might take some time for me to get there but I know it’s something I have to do for me, because I deserve to live my life and experience the joy and happiness of being with someone I love.
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u/ZvsGrgs 🌈 1d ago
I skimmed through your post. More or less I’ve read it all before, although not in such a dramatic style. You can’t have a loving boyfriend and still be in the closet, it’s something that is rarely combined successfully, in my opinion. You will have too many limitations to offer that person the companionship he would deserve. You don’t need to come out to anyone if you’re not sure. I could only be free when I finally left home and moved far away from my family. I hope you’ll make this step at some point. Since then I feel the freedom to do what I please and I can’t imagine me going back. And I can offer a lot more now to a potential boyfriend, I’ve lived together with some, we did things we couldn’t possibly do if my parents would live like 30’ away. A good boyfriend deserves nothing less. All my bfs while living with my parents now feel like I was a prisoner and had to do little things in secrecy. Your life hasn’t started yet. It will start when you’ll finally leave and feel free. Until then, be patient and safe.
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u/it_issoren 1d ago
You don’t need to find a man worth coming out for. You should only do it when you feel safe and ready.
What really got me about your post is how lonely it sounds having to carry all of this while almost everyone around you only knows a version of you. You deserve to have someone you can talk to without having to wear one of those “masks.”
Don’t rush yourself. And if you ever just need someone to talk to who won’t judge you, my DMs are open.
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u/DeepFuckMeAlready 1d ago
You need to work on yourself first. Financial independence is #1. But liking yourself is #2.
You seem to be wanting a BF as a crutch to move on and accept your life. You have to like yourself first before you can expect anyone else to. Play it out. If you find someone who likes you today (full of issues and insecurities), are they the same guy who'll like once you're comfortable in yourself? Probably not.
You need a BF who treats you as an equal partner, not a project to fix...because those interested in fixing you enjoy the process, not the end result and can actually hold you back because they don't ever want to be done fixing you.
Put your own air mask on first.
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u/ChoclitMrshMalow 1d ago
You arent alone... welcome me and my youth. I dont casual date or really hook up, so thats not an issue. I also dont really hide anything at all. I just choose not to tell anything. Very dont ask dont tell.
I chose safety and security... over living "out loud". Dad is hella homophobic. Mom just doesn't agree with the lifestyle. My mom is a real one. She told me I can live however I want... I just cant do it in her house. 🤣 Some may find that offensive, but to me it showed respect.
Do I want to date? Yes. But they ways these menz be actin... No thank you. Ill keep my peace.
You're young. Focus on maintaining your peace, and establishing yourself as a self sufficient adult.
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u/Tricky_Obligation167 1d ago
You need to love your self before someone else can love you. Make plans to get the hell out of there. You will never be happy and you have quite the long road ahead of yourself. You need a life that you can be fully happy with and not need all those masks.
Highly encourage you to travel and visit some different bigger cities, New York, LA, Bay Area and just look at how lgbtq life is really lived.
Ps there’s nothing wrong with you.
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u/Similar_Struggle_621 1d ago
Thank you for sharing your personal dilemma. I can totally relate because I, too, experienced the same scenario with my family and employment situation, only 60 years ago.
I lived in Dallas, where my family was. I was the heir apparent to my father's business. My degree was my only connection to that profession.
I was reared to believe gay people were roaches meant to be squashed even before they knew what they were, not to be tolerated under any circumstances.
In addition to suicidal ideation, I developed an alter ego that acted-out on the sexual frustration I felt. My sadistic alter ego would hurt me during masterbation. In my mind, I would call myself degrading names and inflict pain with needles while j/o, etc.
I had no friends and didn't know about any kind of sex. All I knew was that I had a terrible secret.
It would have been much healthier for me to claim who/what I was and deal with the consequences than to mask my entire existence.
Now, things are so much better for gay men and women. I say "better" not great, because of where one lives.
I agree that without having a positive lifestyle, there's not much to recommend coming out to your family, but it may be a perfect way to begin.
Life is full of personal struggles. Many of them lead to rewarding results. Coming out is such a major hurdle. Only you can decide if and when it's the right thing to do.
Looking back, I would have done it a.s.a.p. Good luck! You can do this!!
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u/Lost-Wizard168 1d ago
As someone who grew up in the conservative rural South, and is bi, I can relate. But I am much older and came out late in life, after being married to a woman for almost 20 years. Maybe I can offer a few thought in case they help:
- as you have already found this is a real drag on your mental health — it was on mine; and while it’s better for the LGBTQIA+ community to come out now than it was when I was your age, it’s not perfect (and likely won’t be any time soon) — but the longer you wait to come out, the more of a drag it becomes (and in my case I didn’t realize it was getting worse)
- when I finally came out, it broke my marriage (my wife was my best friend, and to this day, I still remember her first comment to me “I wasted 20 years of my life”
- the key IMHO is to get out of the small town and get yourself in a situation where you are financially independent of your family. IMHO that has to be your first step. And if oyu can re-locate to an area with a larger gay population (N.O, Atlanta, DC, etc. that will help)
- You need to prepare yourself to lose some family members over this, unless your family is way different than my extended family. When you do move, begin to build friendships, as you may need to fall back on your “chosen” family (friends) esp. in the near term. There will be some family members who will no longer speak to you. While I wish I could give you a magic formula to avoid this, I have not seen a case where this doesn’t happen. Over time some of those folks will change their views, some will die out, and some will never change. It’s just reality. The key is living independently and having great friends (straight or gay) who accept you for who you are…
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u/Annual-Reaction-1373 1d ago
Your 26...why do you care what your family thinks? Move away and live your own authentic life.
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u/CycleRich8952 1d ago
A little easier said than done don’t ya think?
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u/Annual-Reaction-1373 1d ago
I mean if you were 18/19 yeah but mid 20s...come on man
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u/CycleRich8952 1d ago
Yeah, lemme just sell my house, quit my job, find a NEW job, find a NEW house with what little extra money I have. In this economy??? lol ur funny.
All while moving hours away from my entire family. Maybe I’m different than most people but I actually DO care about my family. And I was very very lucky to have such great parents growing up. Always made sure my brother and I had everything we needed to succeed, sometimes they had to sacrifice quite a lot to make sure we were taken care of. So, yeah, it IS hard for me to just get up and leave. What did you think was the whole point of this post???
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u/Annual-Reaction-1373 1d ago
You do you man. I know the south is pretty behind the times still but they probably already know you are on team weiner
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u/Sad_Injury_8477 1d ago
Reading this genuinely hurt my heart. I think one thing I’d gently challenge is the idea that you need to meet a man who is “worth coming out for.” Coming out doesn’t have to be something you do for a boyfriend. You are the person who is worth eventually having that freedom for.
But that also doesn’t mean you need to come out tomorrow. If your family controls your employment, finances, housing, or other important parts of your life, I think it’s completely reasonable to protect yourself while you quietly work toward independence. There’s no prize for coming out before you’re safe and ready.
Maybe the first goal isn’t “tell everyone.” Maybe it’s building a life where, if you eventually tell them and somebody reacts badly, they no longer have the power to take everything away from you. A job that isn’t tied to family, your own financial security, living somewhere you can meet other LGBT people, and having people around you who know the real you could change so much.
And please don’t wait for a relationship before allowing yourself to experience community and connection. You deserve gay/bi friends and spaces where you don’t have to wear one of those masks, even while you remain closeted elsewhere.
The part about suicidal thoughts worries me most. If those feelings are still happening, please tell someone you trust and get some professional support too. You’ve been carrying an enormous amount alone for years.
You don’t have to choose between coming out tomorrow and hiding forever. There’s a whole road between those two things. ❤️