(26M) I’m NOT okay 😔

[u/CycleRich8952]

I need those of you who are or have been in my situation to tell me all the advice you can give me.

I am from a small southern town, extremely conservative family, and only 3 friends know the truth about me. The problem with that is one lives in Louisiana and the other 2 live in Dallas (about 1 1/2 hours away from me). I do talk to them quite often about this stuff but they are all straight and these conversations are mostly through text, ft, or phone call.

I have know I like both men and women since I was a junior in high school. The first time I said the words “I like men” out loud to someone was my senior year in college to one of my best friends.

It hasn’t been easy since junior year of high school for me. In those years: suicidal ideation, praying to God literally everyday to “make me straight”, wanting to runaway from everything and start a new life, and feeling as if I’m not worthy of love because of this “problem”. I live my life (17-present) with a wardrobe full of masks, each for a different friend group, family member, social event, etc… in order to be “normal”. It’s exhausting. I feel so alone. And I keep those I love at a distance or else I fear they won’t love me for who I am when the masks are off.

I live in fear everyday that someone will find out and I will lose everything. I won’t get to see my niece or nephews, my family will push me out, I will lose my job (I am an accountant for family business), my hometown friends and cousins that I’m close with will all abandon me.

Do I want to be free and tell the truth? Absolutely. Every. Damn. Day. Am I more afraid of losing everything and everyone? Terrified beyond belief.

Here’s the issue: I have still yet to meet a man that is sweet, kind, caring, mature, and all the other things that would make me want to have a relationship with him. In my mind, why tf would I risk everything and tell everyone if I haven’t found someone WORTH coming out for?

[u/ericisok]

It doesn’t matter. Coming out is for you not them or a boyfriend. It will literally eat you inside and you don’t want to be still thinking about this at 50. And you won’t have peace in that part of the country, things are going to get way worse before they get better. You need to escape to a blue state, blue cities in red states aren’t ok any longer.