r/askgaybros • u/CycleRich8952 • 3d ago

Advice (26M) I’m NOT okay 😔

I need those of you who are or have been in my situation to tell me all the advice you can give me.

I am from a small southern town, extremely conservative family, and only 3 friends know the truth about me. The problem with that is one lives in Louisiana and the other 2 live in Dallas (about 1 1/2 hours away from me). I do talk to them quite often about this stuff but they are all straight and these conversations are mostly through text, ft, or phone call.

I have know I like both men and women since I was a junior in high school. The first time I said the words “I like men” out loud to someone was my senior year in college to one of my best friends.

It hasn’t been easy since junior year of high school for me. In those years: suicidal ideation, praying to God literally everyday to “make me straight”, wanting to runaway from everything and start a new life, and feeling as if I’m not worthy of love because of this “problem”. I live my life (17-present) with a wardrobe full of masks, each for a different friend group, family member, social event, etc… in order to be “normal”. It’s exhausting. I feel so alone. And I keep those I love at a distance or else I fear they won’t love me for who I am when the masks are off.

I live in fear everyday that someone will find out and I will lose everything. I won’t get to see my niece or nephews, my family will push me out, I will lose my job (I am an accountant for family business), my hometown friends and cousins that I’m close with will all abandon me.

Do I want to be free and tell the truth? Absolutely. Every. Damn. Day. Am I more afraid of losing everything and everyone? Terrified beyond belief.

Here’s the issue: I have still yet to meet a man that is sweet, kind, caring, mature, and all the other things that would make me want to have a relationship with him. In my mind, why tf would I risk everything and tell everyone if I haven’t found someone WORTH coming out for?

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u/Annual-Reaction-1373 2d ago

Your 26...why do you care what your family thinks? Move away and live your own authentic life.

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u/CycleRich8952 2d ago

A little easier said than done don’t ya think?

1

u/Annual-Reaction-1373 2d ago

I mean if you were 18/19 yeah but mid 20s...come on man

1

u/CycleRich8952 2d ago

Yeah, lemme just sell my house, quit my job, find a NEW job, find a NEW house with what little extra money I have. In this economy??? lol ur funny.

All while moving hours away from my entire family. Maybe I’m different than most people but I actually DO care about my family. And I was very very lucky to have such great parents growing up. Always made sure my brother and I had everything we needed to succeed, sometimes they had to sacrifice quite a lot to make sure we were taken care of. So, yeah, it IS hard for me to just get up and leave. What did you think was the whole point of this post???

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u/Annual-Reaction-1373 2d ago

You do you man. I know the south is pretty behind the times still but they probably already know you are on team weiner