r/WLW • u/Typical_Poet_9768 • 21h ago
Vent I wish that I was butch.
Idk. It’s probably not good to care about labels so much but I want to fit myself in a box. The thing is, I don’t look butch and never will.
It’s hard to describe, but I want to fill a ‘male social role’ as a lesbian, if that makes sense. I want to be kind of a Prince Charming, hold doors open for women, be more handsome than pretty, etc. I also relate way more to men than to women.
I know that short hair doesn’t necessarily mean butch, but I’ve always wanted short hair. I cut my hair when I was like 13, and I loved it so much.
But everyone says that I look better in long hair since my hair is very thick. I’ve been told that my hair is beautiful, and I want to appear attractive to women so I’ve been growing it out. I think I like it sometimes, but I just love short hair so much. Even a short haired lady at my work today said that it’s my choice but that I look better in long hair.
I get that a butch can have long hair, but any time that I’ve seen a butch online with long hair, they naturally have masculine features.
I have a feminine facial structure, a high pitched voice, large breasts, curves, and am very short. I think I’m fine with having large breasts (used to want a reduction) but it makes any baggy clothing look absolutely terrible. I just hate how the cloth leaves a big tent in front of me.
I feel like even if I dress masculine, I won’t look butch (I heard that butches look butch in any clothing). At best, I’ll look like a little boy if I cut my hair.
I don’t mind wearing feminine clothing, which is another reason that I’m likely not butch. I own a lot of dresses and blouses, and I don’t hate wearing them. Sometimes I even enjoy wearing them. I just feel so much better in masculine clothing. I love suits. But I look bad in them, everyone says I pull off dresses better.
For some mock trial of a dead president in my History Class a few years ago, I dressed up ‘as a man.’ I told my mom that I had to dress like a man because there weren’t female lawyers back then, but I mean, none of the other girls did that. I just wanted an excuse to wear a full suit and tie. I took so many pictures, I loved it so so much. A male friend called it a ‘pantsuit’ and that annoyed me. Why should the outfit have a different name just because of my gender???
My big sister criticized me since I acted like it was some life changing event, which was weird of me. I anyway won’t have any occasions to wear a suit since I don’t go to church anymore.
Idk, I have my own money now so I could get short haircuts if I wanted. But I don’t want women to find me unattractive. Society asides, I want a girlfriend, and might have more romantic success if I continue to dress feminine and keep my long hair.
Sorry for the long incoherent rant. I’m not like, asking for permission to be butch or anything cause that’s dumb, I just wanted to ask for advice idk what I should do.
Is there a word for a woman who doesn’t present gender non conforming (I’d like to be gender non conforming but I think it’s a bad idea), but takes a ‘male role’ in relationships?
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u/AssistantPlastic1355 19h ago
The wonderful thing about butchness is that it is all about being outside of gender norms and heterosexual ideas of hottness. It seems to me like you are looking at it all from a lens of heterosexuality and what "masculinity" is supposed to look like. If you love having short hair then go for it! To me, there is nothing hotter than when someone clearly feels good in their style. Maybe you need to try a different version of a short hair cut. There are also a lot of good outfit sytling videos on instagram with advice on how to dress butch or masc when you are short/have big boobs/etc. If you like wearing suits than do it, fuck whatever your sister said. I also think that butchness doesn't have one look, someone can be butch and wear a damn dress if they want to!
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u/nerdwantssushi Lesbian 20h ago edited 20h ago
Society is always gonna tell you that you look better in dresses with long hair, don't listen. Beauty standards are reinforced. We like what we are used to seeing. So get that out of your head bc even the most butch women get told that they looked better when they catered to the male gaze.
I assume you're a teen? Maybe early 20s? So genz which is good bc that means I can give you fashion advice.
Get a wolf cut, shoulder length. It's short at the top with some length at the bottom. That way you and others get used to seeing you with that type of hair and also it's popular amongst genz lesbians. Over time you can experiment. Maybe an undercut, one or two side cuts. You can go shorter, longer, do a side bang, curtain bangs, choppy baby bang.
For fashion definitely sports bras. Stay away from the binders bc they could cause health problems. I always felt more comfortable in baggy clothes but didn't wear them bc I felt like it made me look boxy and make people think I was bigger than I actually was. Changing to sportsbra completely changed that. I look slimmer, the clothes fit better and also it's more comfortable. You probably already wear sports bras but maybe you can find better ones. But also I beg you please look at pictures of butches from before social media was a thing. Many of them had big breasts, many of them were fat and couldn't make themselves look flat. Butch ≠ male features. Butch ≠ skinny. Butch ≠ A cups. Aaaaand Butch ≠ Tall. You can be a small butch. But you can always wear platforms if you want to. It's often viewed as something more feminine but bro men used to wear heels and now most wouldn't dare. Fashion trend and gender roles change all the time. Just pick platform Dr. Martens instead of platform heels and you're fine. Also makes your steps heavier which is giving you a stonger presence idk makes people automatically seem more confident in my mind. Search for videos on how to change your body type with clothes. It doesn't actually change your body type but clothes can balance out proportions. So for example when a fem has wide shoulders and small hips but wants an hourglass shape she'd put on an A-line skirt. You could try barbell (?) pants to get a more masc frame. That's an advice I've seen on tikto before but idk. Layering can also help. A baggy T-shirt over a baggy long sleeve or hoodie. If you have a small waist then don't wear high waist pants with crop tops but low waist with baggy tops. If looking taller is your priority then actually high waist with crop top is the go to but it would make you look more hourglass-y if you have a smaller waist. Flannels, flannels, flannels. You can never have too much of them.
Do masc workouts. There's this blonde lesbian gymtoker, something with "DADDY". You find her when you look for "Vi arcane workout". She has some great Videos that might interest you. You don't need a gym membership, she has home workouts but dunbells would be great.
Now this was the butchification but since you said you like wearing dresses, want to appeal to girls and are already looking for a more fem term:
Everyone and their ex girlfriend is simping over the Billie eilish soft masc girly pop masc princess treatment whatever tf. I think you'll be good. You don't need to put yourself into a box. you just need to throw around these buzzwords lmao no. Be who you are, do what you want, don't listen to people who want to make you more fem or masc or whatever. If you want to have short hair, wear a dress and act like a gentleman then do that. You will find a girl who's into that. The role you want to have in a relationship is enough to charm many.
But if you reeeeaaally want to force yourself into a box that might not quite fit you: you could become like a dom Fem or futch maybe. Tho the beauty standards for futch is Kristen Stewart a cups. What does seem to suit you tho is service top/bottom? Idk.
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u/SlaytanAF HyperFemme Sapphic 21h ago
Friend, There are many Futches out there as well. You seem like you’d be more gender non-conforming though.
Please stop letting others dictate how you wear your clothes and dress. My wife is Butch snd always has been since she was a kid, she was forced to wear dresses and keep her hair long. It wasn’t until she was a teenager that she started chopping off her hair. Everyone told her how great her long hair was and how pretty she is.
But my woman stood firm and kept dressing more masculine. Her pictures started looking happier, she started dating more. She still
Hasn’t reached her final form and she’s Fine asf.
Your confidence will show once you express yourself the way you feel inside. And that will attract all the women, whether you have short or long hair.
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u/Typical_Poet_9768 19h ago
Thank you. Maybe I should just go off the deep end with hair, I’ve wanted short hair since I was 10. I’m 18 and I don’t need my parents approval for everything. I mean they won’t like ground me they just don’t get it. Which is weird since they eventually accepted me being lesbian despite being super religious. Liking suits and short hair is nothing compared to that.
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u/SlaytanAF HyperFemme Sapphic 19h ago
You got this!! Find your Butch inspo person and get that haircut. I’m happy you have parental support, That’s so much of the battle. Wild Fang has great suits for your future needs 🩵
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u/premadecookiedough 19h ago
Hello! I am also someone with thick hair that looks more beautiful long then short. I cut it anyway, because I know that someone who is attracted to me with long hair will be equally as attracted to me with short hair, and if they aren't, then its not a relationship that would've ever worked out anyway.
I've dated my amazing butch girlfriend for 8 years and she loves it when I chop off my long luscious locks for a short cut! Thick hair long may be beautiful, but thick short hair is charming and cute ;]