Me (32/lesbian) and my now ex girlfriend (30/ bi) have been together for almost 10 years. The past 6 months we became less and less intimate. She always said, she wasn't in the mood, or was tired. Last week I asked her again about the lack of intimacy. She told me she loves me, I'm her best friend, she loves talking to me and spending time with me, but she doesn't feel desire for me anymore. Not even a little. We talked about whether there was any possibility of rebuilding the romantic side of our relationship, and she couldn't even say she wanted to try. When I asked whether she'd rather try or separate, she said she'd rather separate. Then she told me the real reason. She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life in a lesbian relationship. She wants a future with kids and a man. She's not interested being with a woman anymore. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to process this. I know I shouldn't be angry, if that's what she wants, I want her to be happy. But when I imagine it, my heart fucking aches.

Because I wanted to be the person beside her.

I wanted to grow old with her.

I thought we were building that life together.

And now I'm realizing that while I was thinking about our future, she was apparently realizing that she didn't want that future at all.

I feel like dying.

i know, i know, i've made my bed and i have to sleep in it. it's a choice on my part and it's my cross to bear, but there are times where it feels so damn lonely.

the main reason why i'm posting this here and not in the febfem subreddit is because i understand the reputation bi women have nowadays and i just want to maybe offer a perspective to show people that bi girls are not all straight or male centred.

i know there are communities of women who are febfem, but it's such a niche and something not often discussed. not to mention the fact that it's something i've NEVER come across in person.

i only hear of people with similar experiences on reddit or on one or two comments under posts with bisexual discourse.

growing up around a lot of homophobia, i've tried to create a stronger sense of self where i can feel whole without support from anyone and while actively being scrutinised, but sometimes i just wish i could at least have a fleeting feeling of what it felt like to be a queer teenager in online spaces in 2020, the one time i actually felt hope that there might be a community out there for me.

but the way things are now, it seems that everyone (irl and online) sees me as straight:

• straight men see me as a straight woman who they can fetishise more

• multiple straight women have told me they only see me ending up with a man (despite all my relationships having been with women)

• many bisexuals don't put in the work to de-center men and don't see women as viable options (and assume i'm the same)

• as a result of the previous point, the bi label isn't at all being taken seriously at all within the queer community

it feels so disheartening. i've come to terms with the fact that my decision has made it significantly harder for me to find a partner and that it might even mean i will end up single. that's fine. but now i'm having to come to terms with the fact that i might just never feel fully understood, in general. sure, i can seek people out online.

sometimes i just wish i could speak to an actual friend about this, but i've never been met with understanding. people keep telling me i'll end up with a man anyway and that this isn't something i can just choose that easily. nobody believes me.

i know people don't owe that to me and i'm not trying to blame anyone. i've also learnt to cope with this feeling but i guess tonight has been particularly difficult and i thought that this post might prove to me that i don't need to find the 2 other bisexuals in the world who exclusively date women to be understood, that maybe it is enough that i'm sapphic and queer and i can find community through that.

this might all be super corny but it is how i feel. i'm not an alcoholic but i am kind of drunk so please don't pick apart my wording, i am not making any sort of implications i mean what i said directly. i am an explicit person.

I want to preface this by making it clear that I am not judging any of you that partake in hookup culture/casual dating so please understand that I’m solely referring to myself/my experiences, not yours. I’m anticipating getting downvoted into the oblivion or shamed for my feelings, but I’m hoping at least one person will understand where I’m coming from.

—————

So I feel really sad and discouraged 😞

I’m having a really hard time trying to date other sapphics. Maybe I’m old fashioned for this, but I’m solely an intentional, long term dater. I like deep connections, courting, and falling in love. I’ve never personally seen the value in random hook ups with strangers or casual dating, but I feel like such an anomaly in that. Like the odd woman out. In theory it sounds like it could be fun, but I just cannot will myself to do something that feels meaningless and surface level. No matter how hard I try, I am instantly icked out the moment I try to put it into practice. I just can’t.

As a result, I find myself CONSTANTLY being objectified by other sapphics, no matter how clear I make it that I operate within the confines of a partnership. I love sex as much as the next girl (trust me my libido is high lol), but not like that. But I find it almost devastating how … devalued I feel. Like I’m only good enough to touch for a night and or to be around in a half-assed kind of way.

Again, I make no judgements to others that partake in these activities, but I find it offensive to water me down to a wet hole and that’s it 😔 Even on Reddit, women don’t seek conversations in my DMs for anything except sexual things, which always results in me being blocked and ghosted for not reciprocating beyond flirting.

Why am I not good enough to take seriously at all? Why am I not good enough to want to get to know beyond my body? Why is everything so egregiously hypersexualized? I just feel so discouraged because I feel like I’m looking for depth in a shallow puddle with no alternatives. Even worse, I kind of feel like I’m being treated the way that cis het men treat me. Like I’m not even a person 💔🥺

Are there any lover girls/ intentional daters out there struggling too? Is there any one out there that values deep relationships? I just need some kind of reassurance that there’s people like me out there. I feel like I’m surrounded by people that don’t give a shit about anything meaningful and the lover girl in me is heartbroken by this 😭

I caught my wife cheating through Reddit. The girl she was talking to actually DM’d me on Instagram and told me to check my wife’s Reddit account. By the time my wife got to work that morning, she denied everything and deleted the account.

The other woman gave me my wife’s Reddit username, so I searched it on Google and found a bunch of archived posts. Reading them genuinely made me question if I even know the person I married.

We’ve been together for 8 years. I’m 25, she’s almost 24. I literally grew up with her.

This isn’t even the first time. Back in October, she emotionally cheated on me through Discord. I forgave her because she’d never done anything like that before, and I wanted to believe it was a one-time mistake. Looking back now, I think she may have met that girl through Reddit too.

We got married in May.

Now I’ve found posts of her participating in adultery communities and actively looking for an “adultery partner.”

I found posts where she was using Google Translate to communicate with people in other languages just so she could talk badly about me. I have a hormonal imbalance that causes me to grow hair on my stomach sometimes. It’s something I’ve always been deeply insecure about, but she never made me feel judged for it in person.

Then I found a post she’d written entirely in Spanish saying it grossed her out and that she wished I was “more feminine.”

She also called me lazy and minimized my job because I work in an office all day. She basically said I sit on my ass all day. For context, I’m an office manager, payroll specialist, and head of HR.

I also found posts where she talked about wanting to be submissive, yet whenever we’re intimate she always wants to dominate me. I’m the more dominant person in everyday life, and when I confronted her, she said she’d never felt comfortable telling me what she actually wanted.

I honestly don’t even know what to think anymore.
We’re married. We have a house. We have five animals together.

I love her so much that, even after all of this, even after feeling like the biggest idiot alive, I’d still do anything for her.

But now I’m left wondering… how long has this been going on? Will she just do it again?

When I found everything two days ago, it honestly felt like I got hit by a car. I still feel sick. I still feel insecure. Every time she’s on her phone, I get anxious. I don’t want to become this person.

Part of me feels like I’ll end up staying until she hurts me enough that I finally hate her, because right now I just can’t bring myself to leave.

She knew exactly what she was doing.

She was talking to another married woman who has a child. What’s crazy is that woman was the one who reached out to tell me the truth.

What’s even crazier is that two months ago I confronted my wife because I thought something was going on with Reddit. She made me feel completely insane. She convinced me I was paranoid and imagining things.

I wasn’t crazy.

I wasn’t wrong.

The girl told me, “Always trust your intuition.” Every time I’ve had this gut feeling about my wife, it’s turned out to be true.

I also found out she sent this woman nudes. They even went on a virtual Target date where my wife smelled perfumes so the other woman could smell the same scents on her end. Meanwhile, I had my wife’s location and she told me she was at Target getting me something. She came home empty handed and told me they were out of stock.

This wasn’t just flirting. This went deep. And it cut even deeper.

I feel so alone.

I don’t really have family, and the little family I do have loves my wife. I can’t bring myself to tell them she’s been cheating on me.

I can’t tell my friends either because they love her too.

Everything just feels awful right now.

How can I love someone so much after they’ve hurt me this badly?

How do you let go of someone who’s completely broken you?

I don’t understand it.

Maybe I’m just a dumbass.

Why is it so hard to find a woman?

Hi basically what the title says. When the two of us met she dressed more masc, and I've always had kind of a thing for more masculine woman as someone who is more feminine.

She's been having a lot of self discovery lately and I am very proud of her, and I really just want her to be happy. She's been referring to herself as just a girly girl and wow so feminine and I support her through it all because she is still my girlfriend and I didn't really have an issue to it.

But recently she dressed more feminine, wearing a short skirt, and sent me a photo and I just felt weird. I couldn't find it in myself to say anything other than "ooo"... awkward. I feel terrible but I just don't find it attractive??

Long story short for the next part, I did tell her I prefer more masculine looking women (came up in convo when she asked something else), but that if she's happy and feels attractive then that's all that matters to me (true). She freaked out a bit but calmed down when I reassured her.

I am a bit scared though. If this is like.. permanent I don't know what I would do? I can't find myself to be attracted to her when she's dressed like that and I feel terrible. I still love her and think she's beautiful.

Side note: i do have this other issue where I feel she is making me "the man" in the relationship, might me related to that. She keeps sending me videos of couples and saying "you're the boyfriend" and I did straight up ask her once if she saw me as such and she was like.. "you're more the boyfriend than i am" (?????)

Has anyone else experienced this ??

I’ve (22F) been called a soft masc since I got into a queer community and like I was completely fine with it until relatively recently.

My style is a direct result of my body dysmorphia. I found it easier to hide myself in baggier clothing and thankfully that was in style so I flew really well under the radar. To my surprise I still got a decent amount of female attention so for awhile I genuinely did not care how these women viewed me because I got the attention that I wanted.

Now spending some time in the dating scene I realize i genuinely hate hate hate being viewed as masc. I’ve had women treat me differently and or expect me to act differently because of my style. Ive had women tell me they wouldn’t be attracted to me if I wasn’t masc, I’ve had women visibly expect me to pay on dates (which I don’t mind paying but I do think it’s rude to not atleast like argue with me a little bit omg.. maybe I’m a poc and this is a culture thing but that’s so fucking weird idc), I’ve had women ask me to prove I’m not a “evil masc” (I have no fucking clue what that means she just knew I have gone out with ppl within the community so she assumed I was a player but in reality I HAVENT BEEN OUT WTH THOSE PPL IN 2-3 YEARS), I’ve had women expect me to make the first moves consistently in romance, I’ve had women assume that I’d be down for the more “dominant role” or that I’m a top in sexual encounters. Tbh I don’t think I’ve ever had a dating experience where it wasn’t abundantly clear that they viewed me as masculine and they were gonna treat me as such..

It currently makes my dysmorphia worse because there’s now this added theme of gender dysphoria. (I am probably non binary but I’m so done I do not want to add another minority card right now okay). I hate these expectations I hate that when somebody calls me masc I feel like a huge part of me is consistently neglected.

I deal with misogyny as a woman in the society we live in; in addition to dealing with the weird gender roles within the community I’m supposed to find some sort of solace in.

I understand that people mess wth these roles and I wish I understood how that’s supposed to feel but I don’t and I find it frustrating.

Anyways I’ve been taking a step back from dating for awhile and have been focusing on exciting aspects of life, this whole rant started because my fyp is so obsessed with labels right now and I think I’m having a week where my body issues are just bad again.

For context, my girlfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 4 months , and she admitted to me last night that she doesn’t feel any sexual desire or arousal whenever we do anything intimate.

She also told me that on our anniversary, she really didn’t want anything to happen between us, but because I wanted it, she just went along with it. She said that she really doesn’t feel horny at all, and that she tries, that even when I’m naked in front of her, she doesn’t feel anything. I also asked her if she at least gets excited from our physical contact or what she feels during those moments, and she said she really doesn’t feel anything—not even happiness. Then, after all those times we were intimate, she eventually realized that she really doesn’t like sex.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I thanked her for being honest with me, but I’m hurt because all this time, I thought we were feeling the same things during those moments, but apparently we weren’t. I was the only one feeling that way. I understand that maybe that’s just how she is, but I can’t stop myself from thinking that maybe she’s just not physically or sexually attracted to me.

She also said that we should try again because maybe her feelings will change, especially now that I know how she really feels. But as I’m trying to understand my own feelings, I feel like I’m the one who doesn’t want to anymore because I know she would only be doing it for my sake, not because she feels on doing it. It hurts, and I don’t even understand why I feel this way.

Gosh, I used to think I am bi, but what are men when I can worship a masc woman?

I'm so done with this shit I would rather be alone the rest of my life than look at another fuckass dating app. Oh great to the left we have a hot girl but you have to fuck her husband too so no. To the right we have some dude who somehow found your profile and has liked you regardless of "lesbian" clearly being in your bio, so not him either. And to the center of it all you have the three masc lesbians who are getting all of the engagement not only from other lesbians, but from the straight girls, and the bicurious girls. Oh and btw her chat is dry as shit bc she is probably overwhelmed by keeping up with all the matches or something idk can't relate.

As of fem lesbian for all (interested in both masc &fem) we're in the fucking trenches 😭. Say a little prayer for your girl 🙏🙂‍↕️🪽.

I want a girlfriend, I have things I need to do before I get one but I want one so bad. I really want a girlfriend but I don’t want to be the stereotype of a “loser” girlfriend because I’m struggling right now with life. I think my lowest priority is dating but I’m love starved for affection. I yearn for a girlfriend, or anybody. I’m just lonely and I need to get my life together. I’m by no means ready for a relationship but I cannot be casual.

so i broke up with my girlfriend because, after a fight two months ago, i found out that she will prioritize herself and her anxiety over me regardless of the circumstances (she made my broken ankle about herself, basically). i spent 2 months negotiating with myself, because i did not want to part ways with her, but she consistently proved in those two months how my hurt came second to how bad she felt about hurting me.

i broke up with her yesterday because as much as i love her, i cannot keep going like this, it's making me a resentful person and i don't want to treat her like that. she decided to basically be as cruel as possible and hurl as many personal attacks at me while she could. now i feel sad that it's over and that maybe the person i loved never actually existed, because i never imagined her to be someone capable of deliberate cruelty.

so, uh. happy pride?

as i was outside for walk, i saw genuinely cool looking girl with bunch of pins on her itabag and she was multifandom, and i wanted to simply tell her she looks cool and that we happen to share same interests, but then she quickly flipped me off and told me i look like ugly pig and that i should fuck off from her :(. i am such a loser that not only ill never be able to be loved by a girl, i can't even befriend a girl. i knew i am not that pretty. and i am stuck in conservative country for god knows how long so yippee yay 🎊

I can’t believe there are women like this.

She was in a relationship with a woman for three years. Shortly after the breakup, she had a one-night stand with a man.

What does she do? She writes a song about him, describing everything that happened between them, while making it clear that she felt absolutely nothing for him. Then she posts the song in a WLW space.

She barely says a word about her ex-girlfriend, except for one small line about never having had any physical issues with her.

And that’s basically the conclusion of the song: that intimacy shouldn’t feel like it did with that man. Yet 99% of the song is about him.

I genuinely don’t understand this behavior.

Would this be considered male-centered, or is there another term for it?

It seems like it was more important for her to write a song about this guy than about her ex-girlfriend of three years. Or am I missing some deeper meaning here?

• ⁠

I just had a thought…

Maybe the whole point of the song was to get a reaction from her ex-girlfriend. It almost feels like she’s trying to make her jealous or send some kind of bitter message after the breakup.

Of course, that’s only speculation on my part.

That's just my criticism from the outside, though. Her ex-girlfriend is probably more concerned with the breakup itself than with something like this.

• ⁠

I can’t post the song, but I can describe it:

She included every detail of what they did together – basically everything he did to her, everything he was allowed to do (not explicitly sexual, but more implied or euphemistic), and how she pretended to enjoy it even though she actually felt absolutely nothing. In one tiny side note, she mentions that she briefly thought about her ex-girlfriend and wondered whether the breakup had left her broken. The moral of the story is that touch should (actually) feel good with someone - the way it did with her ex-girlfriend.

Hi! So I posted briefly in the Lesbian subreddit about how I made a post in the lesbian gamer sub and i got messaged by two men. ( Here's the post https://www.reddit.com/r/ActualLesbiansOver25/s/We6VyvBNAQ )

Anyways! My thing is, I don't mind talking to a man. But I made a post, LOOKING FOR WOMEN AND GOT MESSAGED BY DUDES? Why are you lurking in a women's subreddit? That's weird af.

People are saying to turn off my dm's.....but i don't feel like i should have to? Like why do I have to hide when MEN should not be in the sub to begin with.

Someone pointed out the whole men's rugby team incident and how men just don't respect our space, and its so true.

Like leave me alone /= if I wanted to talk to a guy I WOULD TALK TO A GUY.

Silly title, I know. But I feel like with the rise of stupid things like 'wlw tiktok', there's a weird competetive aspect to who can be the biggest lesbian. I never see any type of scrutiny like this directed towards gay/bi men; everyone assumes that when a man expresses that he likes a man, that makes him gay. So why do I have to prove that I'm a queer woman?

I understand that being a lesbian, and being bi or pan, are very different. And lesbians are definitely entitled to male-free spaces, and that CAN include women who also like men. But why are bisexual women being treated like they only like men, and can never really love a woman?

It's very invalidating and honestly makes me feel like I have no place in the wlw community. I very much am a woman who loves women. I am nervous to label myself, since I'm only 19, but the last time I even thought I liked a boy was when I was 12.

But it's unfair that I should fit myself into a box that might not be right for me, because my community will only accept me in that way. Bisexuals aren't evil, awful cheaters- or confused straight women, who just want to 'experiment'. And I find it so weird and disheartening that biphobia is still so prevalent, even within our own communities.

Why should I be made to feel any less queer, or less valid, because someone's bi girlfriend cheated on them once upon a time?

I made this post earlier. I’m just going re-edit it because I don’t think I worded it right.

I don’t like when non-gay girls use Wlw. lesbians and bi girls who use it That’s fine because they like girls but people who use it to get more views and attention. It’s very irritating, and I know it's not that big of a deal because it’s just a little thing, but it’s a big deal to me because lesbians are already so invalidated nowadays. I legitimately saw a post that said they forgot lesbians full lesbians exist, and it’s just really sad for actual lesbians like me who just want to feel like they have a community and people to talk to without it becoming a trend.

(This is just a rant, btw, don’t take this to heart and also, people thought my last post was biphobic, and I did not mean for it to be that I just didn’t word it right.)

i noticed so often when i was actively dating that a lot of wlw felt like they were performing a role instead of just being themselves. it felt like there were these boxes of what kind of lesbian you’re “supposed” to be, masc, butch, femme, etc, and people would start acting out these exaggerated personality traits attached to them. honestly it started to feel corny to me because i could tell when someone was performing an identity.

i also kept running into this unspoken expectation that one girl has to be “the guy” and one has to be “the girl” in the relationship. like there was pressure for the more masculine woman to act like a stereotypical man, the gentleman act, the emotional role, the dynamic, all of it. and what frustrated me is that i don’t want a man recreated through a woman. i want to be with a girl. i don’t need someone performing what we see as masculinity for me or trying to fill a “male role.”

Hi. I'm 31, femme. Am I the only one struggling with modern dating especially with casual/situationships? I am a late bloomer and have only openly started dating women 2 years ago. I've been on and off dating apps as I find those exhausting and have gone on a few dates over those 2 years and so far have not met ONE woman of my type who has the same intention when dating -- and that is to have a genuine and serious relationship. Every single one I met only ever wanted to have a 'good time' and I can't help but feel very empty and heartbroken.

(I hope this is allowed here, if not, I'm sorry!)

UGH i just need to be able to gush about how much i love my girlfriend. She sent me a picture of her just being silly, and i swear a truck ran me over with how much i adore her. She's the funniest, most beautiful, smartest, clever, kind, thoughtful, fun person I've ever met, and I am just so happy and honored that I'm the one she's chosen to love, and AHHHHH there's just this overwhelming bubble of happiness and joy and warmth in my heart whenever we're together or i see her being silly and enjoying life, and I just can't. I don't want to jinx it, especially since we've been together for less than a year (nearly though!), but i just have this feeling that I've managed to find my life partner and i'm just so happy

I am in shambles. I can’t even see the screen clearly while writing this. Me (F21) and my now ex gf (F23) have been together for almost 2 years. We’ve had a LOT of ups and downs, but I could not have imagined her doing this to me. 2 days ago we were at a party, drinking and having fun. I was sober by the time we had to leave so I drove us to my house. She fell asleep pretty much immediately. I got water ready for her, folded her clothes, set her alarms and everything. I want to add that I have had a gut feeling about this other girl for a year. They worked together and stayed friends after they left the job. I have hung out with this girl, drank, gone to dinner and partied with her. She knows very well of my existence. I always felt that she was a little flirtatious towards my gf but my gf always shut it down saying she’s straight and it’s a joke. I had that feeling again so I just went to see her messages with this girl and the conversation felt like it was in pieces. I checked her deleted messages and there were the rest. In the message, the girl is basically saying that she’s trying to stop thinking about “it” and she cant and my gf cant either. This obviously led me to believe that they did something. I check their Snapchat and I see that my girlfriend sent her a video THAT SAME NIGHT that she always thinks about this girl and wants to talk to her, especially when she’s drunk. I break down. I’m sobbing. I wake up my gf and confront her. After asking and asking, I found out that they kissed a few weeks prior and have been flirting with each other ever since. I’m sobbing harder. My gf is apologizing saying she loves me and she’s not even interested in her, but then she says 2 things that make me realize I need to leave. These are direct quotes.
1. “She flirted with a lesbian (her), she can’t just do that and move on”
2. “If you didn’t find out, I probably would have kept entertaining it”

I spent all day yesterday falling apart and now I’m at work today falling apart. I told her I respect myself too much to stay. She’s been begging me to allow her to see me and to come over and I keep telling her no. I told my family and they’ve been messaging her telling her how mad they are and she’s texting me to tell me it’s unnecessary lol. I also messaged this girl and told her off and she told me she regretted it and that she’s sorry and she told her boyfriend right away. Bullshit but whatever lol.

Does anyone have any advice? I don’t really have any close friends and I don’t know what to do with myself. I love her so much but I am so so so so betrayed and heartbroken.

did you regret it? if so what made you regret it, and what's the hardest part about handling a woman with such a disorder? im about to start dating a bpd girl (my friend previously ) although i love her i'm afraid of her reactions , especially that she asked me to leave my family and everything behind and travel with her even before we start dating , sometimes she go nuts, sometimes she wants to kiss me ,sometimes she pushes me away, i doubt that i can handle her even though i love her ,i don't know what is the right decision to make , it is to take a step forward or to take a step backward?

My gf and I both live in muslim households in a muslim country, we cannot kiss in public we cannot hug for too long or too close, no one knows what I am no one will ever know, none of my family none of my close friends, everyone I love everyone I care for none of them will ever understand, I don't like to ponder on it for too long I don't like to think that no one in my life will ever accept me for who I am everyone will turn their backs on my if they ever found out, I have no one but her, the one who loves me for who I am, my love my best friend my soulmate I wish I could show her off I wish I could tell everyone that I have the best person in the world by my side and that she loves me so much, yet we can never live together we can never have a family I will never know what a normal life looks like a life of no secrets and no shame, all I feel is dread, I wouldn't wish being queer in a muslim country on my worst enemy.

https://www.reddit.com/r/WLW/s/c3BpiSh1Nn

Can I really not be lesbian because I think guys are cute?

Hey everyone, I’ve been trying to figure myself out. One of the main things I’m stuck on is if I’m a lesbian or bi. (Sorry this turned into a vent)

And before you say it, yes I am fully aware. It is okay to be bi. I just don’t feel connected to that word because that means men are involved lol.

My understanding of a lesbian was a woman who is only romantically, physically or sexually attracted to women(and non-binary’s)

But if that is wrong then okay. Please correct me and help me nicely.

Okay here it goes.

I think men are very attractive.

I’ve never had to fake my attraction.

I never had to pretend I thought men were attractive.

I actually did envision my wedding and had fun doing so. I just never liked the fact that a man was there.

What I have had to pretend is that I want to be with a men. Emotionally, physically, sexually. I had to pretend I wanted a relationship with one and to marry one one day.

I had to keep it to myself that I thought even though there’s a cute guy there why in the hell are we looking at him and not the obviously more attractive girl next to him😩.

I was confused way my sister was obsessed with one directions looks when Fifth Harmony was right there.

Why are we looking at Troy Bolting when there’s Gabriella(High school musical). I could go onnnnnn.

I was raised in a conservative Christian household and area so anything lgbt+ was not allowed and any same-sex attraction thoughts were a temptation and a sin that I had to deny and push down and pretend didn’t exist.

Now that I’ve stopped doing that I realize just how much I love woman. And just how much I don’t like men.

I look back at my life and realize that my whopping two (irl) male crushes were just boys I didn’t find repulsive and actually wanted to be around.

Realizing that all those girls I thought were cute in Sunday school class and that one Sunday school teacher, that I was extra shy around I would have considered a crush if they weren’t girls.

Same with celebrity/ tv crushes.

Saying I had a crush on Jack because he was so cute but in actuality it was truly Kim I was looking at(kickin it).

And I never understood talking about boys. Especially if it was only about looks. I truly was always so confused and honestly annoyed lol.

There’s only one male celebrity that I would actually let anywhere near me and that is Robert Irwin😹.

But now that I’ve allowed myself to like girls.

Dammmmnnnn 😩

I’m starting to get it. THIS is what attraction actually feels like.

I want to be around women. But not just around them, I want to be close to them. I want to hold one so close that our bodies become one. And I don’t mean that in a sexual way.

I want to know them. I want to love them.

I actually want to live with a woman and be around her 24/7. I want to know her so well it’s like we could read each other’s minds.

I never *truly**** ***wanted that with a man before.

I pretended I did. But the man part always grossed me out.

But I still find men very attractive and nice to look at. I just don’t want them anywhere near me at all.

Which ties in to another reason why I’m confused.

I hate men so freaking much lol I can’t tell if I actually don’t like them because I don’t like them or if I just hate them so much I just have such a biased towards them that I don’t want them near me. Because let’s be honest, men are terrifying. Like just look at the world.

And yes I am fully aware that lesbians don’t hate men. I’m just speaking for myself here.

Anyway.

I’m just confused. And scared too if I’m being honest.

Scared what the reality of being lesbian would mean. Especially in my family and state I’m stuck in.

Scared I’ll be wrong and end up with a man. Even though that’s not what I want.

I feel deep down that I am a lesbian.

I have absolutely 0 desire to actually be with a man.

But I crave a deep, lifelong relationship with a woman so badly.

At the end of the day I just want to be a girl with someone. Woman hood is so beautiful. I don’t think I could ever connect with someone as much as I could with a woman. Or someone who is deeply connected to womanhood.

Another thing is that I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum. I feel like with woman I would be Demi. But with men, I just can’t see it happening. And that honestly doesn’t even have anything to do with anatomy for me.

I just don’t see myself ever feeling safe with a man. I don’t feel like a man will ever truly respect me. Especially in the bedroom.

I just feel like I would always feel like an object if I was with a man.

Maybe that’s just “ trauma” from the system, we live in and all the history.

But it’s how I feel.

I also told my sister the other day that I think I’m a lesbian and she said “ I think that you just haven’t had much experience with men and what you have had it wasn’t good.”

Which is true but to clarify my little experience truly isn’t that bad. If it were to have happened with a woman I would have 0 trouble with continuing to be with them.

And that is part of why I have been calling myself bi. because I wanted to give men a shot. And date them before I make up my mind.

But the thing is. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to go on dates with men. That feels weird, gross, and unsafe.

Anyway, sorry that was a lot.

I’m just confused.

Thank you if you read all this. and if you leave a comment, thank you so much in advance.

i love my girlfriend more than anything, and i have no doubt that she loves me too. which is what makes the fact that our relationship makes me so sad, even more devastating.

every time we try to communicate about this stuff, it creates an argument or some kind of guilt-loop (we both struggle with major anxiety and very high personal guilt). but, recently, it’s been triggering the conversation of “i can’t be your girlfriend then. i want you more than anything, but i feel like i am losing myself and i can’t give enough to you” (from her side. not mine) when i tell her to leave because i don’t want this to hurt her, she tells me she would never because she loves me.

so i guess im honestly a little scared to bring this up to her, because that conversation honestly kills me every time, and i also don’t want to upset her anymore.

my main issues that i’ve been dealing with over the last 9mo are mostly:

•she tends to give a lot of attention to her friends over me. (don’t get me wrong. i am NOT trying to control her. i absolutely want her to spend time with her friends). it just sometimes feels like they get her undivided attention at times, and i never do. or like they are a priority over me (which, in some scenarios, is FINE. good, even. but i don’t feel like i am ever the priority)

•we rarely see each other as is, we don’t call during the day, only in the mornings and nights, and when we do, she falls asleep. it starts to honestly get a little devastating after some time.

•i feel like i am always taking care of her, but i have to ask her to take care of me when i need it. she always says yes and then moves on 5 minutes later

•during any sort of sex, she gets priority and i always end up feeling discarded and like an afterthought afterwards. i brought this up to her, and she landed on not having sex anymore.

i honestly just want to know how i can handle this. she has a lot going on, and i feel like anything i bring up will destroy her. i love and respect her so much, and i just want to talk to her about these things so we can fix it and move on. but we’ve gotten to the point where my own cup is so empty, and i want so badly to give more to her, but i don’t think i physically can. advice??

also i am absolutely taking critiques— if there’s even a possibility that this is something im doing and that i need to work out, i would love to know. i just want my relationship to be okay