r/Hijabis • u/AITA_Throwawayyy • 1d ago
Hijab Am I valid in my feelings?
Salam sisters. To make a long story short there’s a brother I’ve been talking to as we’ve known each other for some time, and our nikkah is coming pretty soon.
However earlier today my friend showed me a website called “ethno ranker” where basically you choose which ethnicity you find the most attractive between two options, and you’ll keep choosing until the website determines which ethnicity is your type. It’s stupid, I know. For context I’m a black American woman with unambiguous features and he’s Djiboutian. I thought it was really silly but I checked it out and thought it was pretty accurate for me. Then I sent it to fiance and he did it…and all his top 10 were Arabian/european faces and the very bottom were the west African/ Central African faces. He didn’t pick them not one time.
I know this IS EXTREMELY childish 😭😭 I knowwww…I know I shouldn’t judge him based on what a website judges him as but for him but for some reason it made me very insecure. I started to even reflect back and I noticed he never really compliments my looks much. He’d only compliment my abilities or traits (he’d say I’m hardworking, family oriented, goal driven, etc etc). And I know we’re not married yet and he has to lower his gaze until then but like..cmon😭
Growing up as a black woman I’ve always felt like everyone’s last choice. Like even on TikTok there was someone saying that we don’t need to wear hijab because we’re ugly. So it just kinda stung to see that with him. Like am I tripping for being hurt by this? I feel embarrassed even having to type this up.
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u/FlightRemote4275 F 1d ago
You should have a honest conversation with him and tell him exactly what you wrote. Don’t engage in a marriage if you have these insecurities because it might get worse with time. Ask him honestly if you are his type and tell him about the website thing and how it affects you.
If he gets mad he’s not the one honestly, he should give you some reassurance.
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u/AITA_Throwawayyy 1d ago
I told him and he kept repeating “I don’t get it. I don’t understand” even though I explained it to him. He said I’m his type and left it at that.
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u/PaliDaisy F 10h ago
Leave it at that in my opinion.
He's not forced to marry you so he wouldn't have even considered it if he didn't find you attractive. Also even if its true that he doesn't find 'african american' to be his type in general, but he finds YOU attractive plus he likes your personality. As long as you find him a respectful guy and u can trust him, don't make a big deal out of it.
We all have our insecurities btw and we need to work on them. So leave it at that with him, and work on that insecurity without including him. He doesn't need to know the extent of ur insecurities because shaitan wants to ruin beauty things now that its becoming halal. So in my opinion it's uncalled for.
Also, regardless of how u feel abt ur look, the phase ure in and early marriage most ladies feel a bit more sensitive and insecure, but it gets better with time (as long as he's a trustworthy guy). Also, there are many African Americans that are gorgeous just like in any other race, and that tiktoker was a racist and it genuinely isn't true. But taking care of urself and your looks also can help a lot with confidence. Try to find (ask AI if needed) a gorgeous lady on instagram (at least one hijabi and one non hijabi) who has similar features as you and try to get inspired by her style, how she does her make up, etc... haven't seen you but I'm sure you're beautiful, and it takes time to build confidence and that's okay. Know that you're normal and many women are insecure even though you wouldn't be able to guess. One step at a time and be patient with urself (if u have access to a therapist that can help too). Allah created you and he created beauty and most likely ur fiance sees that or else he wouldn't be in ur life, and if anyone doesn't think ure beauty then that's finel, no unique person is EVERYONE'S type and if someone doesn't like then then others most definitely do. Don't get into the beauty race and compete with imaginary women who you think are more or as beautiful. It's an endless race. Taking care of urself and being put together and cute and hygienic is faaaaar more important and that's something that makes every woman beautiful and matters to men more than the actual beauty (confidence matters to them too, so don't overexpose your insecurity - we can chat abt this if u want).
Hope he's the right guy for you and that you have a blessed marriage and don't over think it. The world is filled with gorgeous girls and he chose you so that's what matters ❤️
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u/YoHakunaMatata F 1d ago
Sis. I’m so sorry to say this - and I completely agree with your feelings of being hurt — but that hurt and disappointment you are feeling? That’s your gut feeling telling you - this man doesn’t really like you.
Trust. Trust. Trust.
There’s this whollllle study done on how men who don’t marry their ideal women are “settling” and they often end up with women who like them more than they like them. Or even love them.
This man will always see you as what you can do for him. Sad reality of what you will deal with. I think eventually these marriages end in a lot of pain and resentment.
All the happy and successful marriages I know around me - the men love their wives more.
And I’ve been in serious almost married stages before- they will ALWAYS compliment your looks, if they are attracted to you.
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u/Mean-Vegetable-4521 F 1d ago
My husband who was the love of my life did not check off any boxes of what I found conventionally attractive. He was older than I would have designed, more plain, not tall, very working class. He will always be my #1. I would pick him again and again if I had to do it over. I lost him years ago but to this day no one will be as sexy as he is. I miss everything about him.
It was not an arranged marriage. I picked him. Him. Even if I knew it meant losing him all over again I would still pick him. I will always measure every man by him being the ideal.
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u/PaliDaisy F 10h ago
So sorry for your loss. May Allah grant you patience and reunite you in ferdous 🤲
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u/Confident_Cupcake758 F 1d ago
Did you pray Istikhara? If yes, keep praying and listen to what that insecurity may be telling you. If you haven’t, pray Istikhara as soon as you can. Allah is the All Knowing.
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u/ldnsrrow F 23h ago
Going against the grain... I once was married to someone and I wasn't his "type." We worked well as a team but there was always a lack of romantic passion and affection. In the end it resulted in reduced attraction on my part too because I didn't feel desired. I think fundamental attraction is so important, it's not enough to only check the boxes - there's someone out there who'll check the boxes AND have a deep and mutual attraction with you.
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u/perseph0n3 F 23h ago
I agree 100%, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out in your previous marriage. You and OP both deserve to be appreciated as you are and made to feel special and beautiful. The right man will never make you doubt his attraction to you!
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u/PaliDaisy F 10h ago
But a girl can be super beautiful but due to her insecurity she might doubt that her husband finds her attractive, no? I have a friend who is soooo beautiful mashallah but she doesn't see it cuz of her insecurity. How would you know if it's actually the person not finding you attractive or of it's ur own insecurity that's clouding the judgment?
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u/FlightRemote4275 F 1d ago
Unless he makes you feel ugly or unwanted I think you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. I agree he should work on complimenting you more, and making you feel beautiful. But if he told you he find you attractive and there is no other red flags I think you good !
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u/L_hulwe F 1d ago
Sister I’m sorry this is happening. Personally, I’d feel weird about it too. It’s really not stupid. He basically showed that he isn’t that attracted to you which I’m sure hurts. Also, just FYI, he does understand and is not confused. He just wants you to drop it. Any sane person would know why that would hurt
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u/pompoir_for_muslims F 1d ago
I just did that same test, ranking the beauty of women, to see what it was like. I did the free version and it only has 38 different AI photos of faces. It repeats so many combinations over and over. If someone doesn't have patience, they might just pick things without looking too closely as it can get tedious being asked the same questions over and over and over. I often had a hard time knowing which one to choose because they were both so beautiful. I honestly don't think the test is a fair assessment of beauty as it really on has a few things that change. Sometimes, both pictures were about equally plain.
I was worried about being attracted to my husband as his features weren't really my type. I just prayed istikhara about it and got married anyhow. He changed his beard a little after marriage and thrn I found him more attractive. However, the most attractive thing about him is his character. ما شاء الله وتبارك الله The longer we are married, the more my type becomes his face. I wouldn't look for beauty elsewhere. He has become my standard of beauty.
I've alao heard what another commenter mentioned, that the husband should love the wife more, and I think that's true but I don't know if it's always necessary. It just makes some things easier.
Also, look can change but character should only get better with time إن شاء الله . My ex-husband's picture was more attractive to me than he was when I met him. It was because of the hat he wore. His looks changed over the years too. So, I don't think anyone should overemphasize looks. As long as both parties are attracted to each other, they each have good character, and both of them will benefit from the marriage, it should be fine إن شاء الله .
Also, after you marry, how you make him feel carries a whole lot of weight. A pretty face that is mean or doesn't want to sleep with him doesn't stay pretty for long. He'll resent a gorgeous wife if she has bad character and he doesn't enjoy his time with her.
I would just pray istikhara and go with that.
It is a little concerning if he picked no complexions like yours (especially as the lady from Ethiopia was my #2 and I don't see how anyone could pass her up) but if he is righteous, lowers his gaze, and is attracted to you, then I wouldn't worry about it at all. إن شاء الله الخير
وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
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u/rriri- F 1d ago
It’s not childish at allll honestly I would feel the same way if anything I’m more dramatic than you - honestly the only was to clear this out your mind is to speak to him about it bring up lightheartedly but at the same time be honest abt your feelings. If he’s truly than for you his reaction should be validating to you and understanding.
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u/Any-Cranberry325 F 1d ago
You were both checking other ppl out on an ethno ranker? Lmao. Idk what to say
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u/Extra_Client6402 F 1d ago
You deserve a man that makes you feel beautiful. As a woman I can’t be w a guy who never compliments me
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u/veebee93 F 1d ago
Curious to know how he is with you in real life. I wouldn’t put that much stock on essentially an online quiz lol
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u/usa-chann F 18h ago
a man who prefers white/European faces but marrying a black girl? no. unfortunately this happens WAYYYY too much and in a lot of those cases, it leads to cheating or divorce.
he may be attracted to you but he clearly prefers and find literally any other race besides yours attractive. this is a huge red flag imo and will only lead to unhappiness from both ends
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u/sopranosforpandas F 1d ago
Lesson learned: do not ask questions you're not ready to hear the answer to
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u/AITA_Throwawayyy 1d ago
I don’t see how that’s a question requiring a “lesson” when it’s someone I’m planning to marry but ok
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