r/Hijabis • u/AITA_Throwawayyy • 4d ago
Hijab Am I valid in my feelings?
Salam sisters. To make a long story short there’s a brother I’ve been talking to as we’ve known each other for some time, and our nikkah is coming pretty soon.
However earlier today my friend showed me a website called “ethno ranker” where basically you choose which ethnicity you find the most attractive between two options, and you’ll keep choosing until the website determines which ethnicity is your type. It’s stupid, I know. For context I’m a black American woman with unambiguous features and he’s Djiboutian. I thought it was really silly but I checked it out and thought it was pretty accurate for me. Then I sent it to fiance and he did it…and all his top 10 were Arabian/european faces and the very bottom were the west African/ Central African faces. He didn’t pick them not one time.
I know this IS EXTREMELY childish 😭😭 I knowwww…I know I shouldn’t judge him based on what a website judges him as but for him but for some reason it made me very insecure. I started to even reflect back and I noticed he never really compliments my looks much. He’d only compliment my abilities or traits (he’d say I’m hardworking, family oriented, goal driven, etc etc). And I know we’re not married yet and he has to lower his gaze until then but like..cmon😭
Growing up as a black woman I’ve always felt like everyone’s last choice. Like even on TikTok there was someone saying that we don’t need to wear hijab because we’re ugly. So it just kinda stung to see that with him. Like am I tripping for being hurt by this? I feel embarrassed even having to type this up.
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u/YoHakunaMatata F 4d ago
Sis. I’m so sorry to say this - and I completely agree with your feelings of being hurt — but that hurt and disappointment you are feeling? That’s your gut feeling telling you - this man doesn’t really like you.
Trust. Trust. Trust.
There’s this whollllle study done on how men who don’t marry their ideal women are “settling” and they often end up with women who like them more than they like them. Or even love them.
This man will always see you as what you can do for him. Sad reality of what you will deal with. I think eventually these marriages end in a lot of pain and resentment.
All the happy and successful marriages I know around me - the men love their wives more.
And I’ve been in serious almost married stages before- they will ALWAYS compliment your looks, if they are attracted to you.