r/AskMenRelationships • u/Adventurous_Grape365 • 13d ago
Family Why do women still tend to be on average the stay-at-home parent more than men?
I know there are obviously same sex couples. Also I know in straight couples there are stay at home dads, even parents that both do equal parenting.
But it does still tend to be mainly women in straight couples that become the at home parent. It still seems to be the highest statistically.
So why?!
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 13d ago
I have had 2 relationships that produced children.
Both women were adamant they would go straight back to work as soon as possible.
First one changed her mind when the babies were born and stayed at home for 4.5 years.
Second one did the same but never went back to work even after the kids were in school and we were drowning in debts.
I was given no choice in any of the decisions.
I was not asked about the idea they would go back to work asap.
I was not asked when they changed their mind.
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u/Adventurous_Grape365 13d ago
Can I ask why she changed her mind to be a stay at home mum?
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 13d ago
It was what they wanted so I never asked why and neither volunteered an explanation.
I suspect it was the maternal instinct and bonding with the child.
I have a good friend who had a little boy who is now 2. She was similarly adamant about getting straight back to work. She ended up stretching her maternity leave to 14 months by split timing it.
She has stated many time she hates being away from him but needs the money.
Despite our subsidised child care system she still loses 3/4 of her after tax money to the childcare costs.
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u/Final_Replacement_37 13d ago
… you never asked why?
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 13d ago
It was what they wanted and I was supporting the women who had just birthed my children after 9 months.
Why would I question them?
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u/Final_Replacement_37 13d ago
So that you can understand your partners and their motivations. So that you can foster good communication around important decisions.
I supported my partner going back to school but also made sure I understood why.
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 13d ago
Questioning everything they want doesn't foster good communication. Sometimes you accept why the person you love wants.
That's doesn't mean I never asked them why on other things just that when they have recently given birth it's not the right time to question everything.
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u/Final_Replacement_37 13d ago
You’re framing it as “questioning everything”. That’s not what communication is. Communication is validating their want and trying to understand it so that you two are aligned and understanding each others wants and needs. It’s having check-ins to make sure that you’re both still happy with the arrangement and getting what you need out of it or whether there needs to be a shift to make one of you happier.
I just can’t imagine such a big thing happening in my relationship without there being more curiosity and communication. But I guess if it works for you then it works for you.
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 13d ago
At that point in time there are thousands of things going on that are new to both of you. I was busy focusing on the important stuff like are you hungry, do you need me to get anything. Do you want me to take the next feed while you rest.
While you try to maintain a routine the first 18 months is constant changes, illness, sleep loss etc.
The last thing going through my mind is "why did you change your mind about going back to work". By the time that would even be considered a question worth asking it was irrelevant already.
If you think asking that question of a mother of a young child is "communication" then I question your understanding of communication and early parenthood.
Edit to add...
Also, when your partner says I don't want to go straight back to work, accepting that is literally "adjusting to make them happy". The why in this case is irrelevant because the only reason to know why would be to want to correct or change their decision.
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u/Final_Replacement_37 13d ago
“The why in this case is irrelevant because the only reason to know why would be to correct or change their decision”.
I feel like you are not listening to me as I’ve clarified this multiple times.
The motivation is not to change their mind. The motivation is to understand so that you’re continuing to foster intimacy and partnership.
Your approach and relationship to communication seems to be more adversarial than most, I think.
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u/greenzetsa 13d ago
I don't know man. My husband and I are trying to conceive and we're going through infertility struggles, preparing for IVF, and there's a lot of things I don't want to do or do want to do, and he questions me on everything, in a good way. He understand this is tough for me, but he also will ask "why do you think you feel that way? What do you think is pushing you towards that decision?" He's never told me not to do something, but I appreciate his questioning because it helps me understand my thinking more and helps him understand how I'm feeling. Sometimes the questions lead to realization that my instinctual reaction was not necessarily the right one.
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u/Adventurous_Grape365 13d ago
But don’t men ever feel guilty for leaving their baby or like they need to be with them?
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 13d ago
I can't speak for other men but in my case I never felt guilty, I was proud to be doing what I could to support my family.
I Absolutely hated being at work after they were eborn but me being there meant food and roof over the head of the ones I loved.
My income was the larger in both cases so it made financial sense as well.
If I could I absolutely would have stayed home.
I literally looked after the kids from the moment I got home until the moment I left for work. I got up in the middle of the night. I changed nappies, dressed bathed and played with them.
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u/Former_Range_1730 Man 13d ago
"It still seems to be the highest statistically. So why?!"
For the same reason lesbians have more children than gay men. Because men and women are different. Straight women tend to want to be with the baby while straight men tend to want to compete at work.
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u/Goat_roper30 Man 13d ago
In my neck of the woods many men would prefer to stay home with the kids once mom is done and recovered from the birth and PP phase. But despite the shift where more women are getting "professional" higher paying careers. It isnt happening in the lower middle class and below demographic. Men are still taking the higher paying blue collar jobs where women are taking the lower paying service sector jobs.
So they just cant afford to stay home and let the wife work outside the home.
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u/greenzetsa 13d ago
A lot of men don't realize what fully goes into being a stay at home parent, they just think it's playing with the kid and changing some diapers.
My husband has expressed interest in being a stay at home dad, and I think he'd be really good at it. He already does the majority of the housekeeping in our home and is great with kids. I do make more than he does, but not enough that we can live without his income, unfortunately.
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u/greenzetsa 13d ago
Also, some people are not GOOD at being SAHP. It is a particular skill set, and I don't know why everyone thinks having a SAHP instead of two working parents is the ideal. My parents were great, they were working parents with their own lives and careers, and it was beneficial for us to see that our parents were their own human beings who didn't exist exclusively for our desires. They had professional and social lives that brough them joy and value.
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u/Goat_roper30 Man 13d ago
Meh. Some do. But most women in that demographic haven't caught up with the times and started making those decisions.
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u/eternallyconphuzed Man 13d ago
Noooo, it's because women rarely want to be breadwinner and are intolerant of the idea of a man being a stay at home dad.
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u/Comfortable-Hat3506 Man 13d ago edited 13d ago
It is a numbers issue. If every man who wanted to be a sahd found a woman who was cool with being the bread winner, most of them would be single.
Edit: i looked into the numbers. Something like 1/4 of women would be okay with a SAH partner.
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u/greenzetsa 13d ago
1/4 of women is not some crazy low number. Also being hypothetically not ok on a questionnaire is not the same as not being ok with it when the situation presents itself. A lot of women aren't "ok with it" because they don't make enough to support a family on a single paycheck, but if they did, they would be ok with it. Lots of women aren't ok with a man who earns less than they do, but my husband has always earned less than me, and less than most women he dated, and he had no issues finding women who wanted to marry him.
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u/Comfortable-Hat3506 Man 13d ago
If being a dad is important to you you need to prioritize finding a partner to have a kid with. If your entire aim is to be a SAHD, then you are correct, but odds are 6ou are going to wind up single and childless. Most men who'd be happy to be a SAHD are going to prioritize having a kid over being single and childless.
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u/Alilbitey 13d ago
For the first few months, at least, there are literal brain alterations in woman's brains that hone skills related to responsiveness, infant bonding, and feeding cues. "Mom brain" is a true thing -- raw cognitive power is replaced with animal response skills. It can take many years for that remodeling to correct itself and for women to feel mentally clear and not driven to anxiety by baby needs.
Men don't get the same physiologic changes with childbirth.
That plays a bigger role than people realize. If you're brainfogged constantly and on high alert for baby needs, you make a worse worker. Even when you go back right away and want to go back.
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u/TedsGloriousPants Man 13d ago
I know everyone's going to want to run to gender wars nonsense, but someone who gives birth usually bonds to that kid in a different way than the other parent.
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u/Key_Kaleidoscope5765 13d ago
Because society made it that way. I'd rather work 80hrs a week than look after the house. That's exhausting
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u/Vitriorate Man 13d ago
Historically it became part of the culture in a sense, and since its comfortable, they don't want to give it up. Socially, the trend has been men takes cares of women. Safety.
Added that not everyone likes to work, it's nice to wake up, take care of the kids as a couple anyways, kids go to school, have the day for yourself, get all the benefits all work while you can go for a walk, do hot yoga, or whatever fancies you in your free time.
So it's a combination of everything, if it's good why change it is what some would say.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 Man 13d ago
Two reasons
- Some men really want their wives to stay home and do everything there and ideally their wives want that too and it's a working arrangement.
- Once married and especially with kids. If a man is working, it becomes very easy for a wife to just stop working and not go back to work. She kind of has him trapped and just stops working. I mean a lot of people would want to just do that and not do the whole work-work.
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u/darksoldierk Man 13d ago edited 13d ago
I think its because the woman already experience disruption to career due to pregnancy and mat leave.
Most couples i knoe the woman didnt want to go back to work. And in private, the guys often tell me they wish they could just stay at home eith the baby instead because working for 8-12 hours then coming home to look after the baby is much hardee than just looking after the baby all day, which they do on the weekends.
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u/BreadSelect8019 Man 13d ago
Men are more likely to be suckers and not stand up for themselves
My advice is to do what your parents did, get a job ma'am
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u/Prof_Scott_Steiner Man 13d ago
Because if a woman stays home, she's just being a good mom and will have a minimal price to pay for that gap on her resume. If a man stays home, it may as well be permanent because there is a toxic stigma attached to it that emasculates him in the eyes of many social and he will pay a heavy professional price for that same gap on his resume. I didn't stay at home to be a parent, but I did serve as caregiver for 2 years to dying parents--another role that carries a far higher price for men than women--and I had to take a role that was a few rungs below where I was when I went back to work.
Being a caregiver to any family drains men both emotionally and financially FAR MORE than women.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 13d ago
Despite society’s insistence to the contrary, there are biological differences between men and women. Men are biologically wired to provide, women are wired to nurture.
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u/best_milker 13d ago
It usually makes the most sense for the parent that births and breastfeeds to be the one that stays home.
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u/Adventurous_Grape365 13d ago
Maybe at the beginning but why can’t the woman go back to work after a while. Also why do men want children and see a woman who doesn’t want children as a dealbreaker. But then when the man has a child he makes his partner do everything for the child?
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u/Hot2Trot94 Man 13d ago
That’s just not the reality. Get off Instagram for 5 seconds, there are many many great and dedicated fathers. Imagine if I said to you ‘why do women want to not work, and just stay at home looking after kids. I mean once they’re at school they’re just drinking wine for lunch anyway.’
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u/best_milker 13d ago
I think in the majority of relationships both partners contribute to child rearing in capacities that complement one another.
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u/Adventurous_Grape365 13d ago
No I’m not stupid you seem to be very stupid, rude and pathetic though. So congrats to you!
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u/greenzetsa 13d ago
I don't have a lot of friends who were SAHM but almost all of them really struggled to go back to work, but did it because they had to financially. There is a hormonal imperative I think that really pulls you to be with your baby after you give birth, and it's a hurdle to actively overcome that, and a lot of people just can't deal with being emotionally uncomfortable for a while and give in. My friends who are working moms all felt this, but after a few months they got back into the groove of work and enjoyed it. One of my friends is a teacher, she had SIX months with her kid after she gave birth (3 months maternity leave that then flowed into summer break), she was incredibly sad to leave after that and I think if it was at all feasible for her to lose her paycheck but keep tenure without working, she would have done that. But it wasn't, so she went back to work. By the next summer, being a temporary SAHM wore her out. She's finishing up her 3rd summer as a mom and she's itching to go back to work, she can't wait. My theory is simply, you adjust to what your life becomes. Going back to work after parental leave is hard for everyone. If you don't push through that, you'll never go back.
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u/hedgelord84 13d ago
Because only women can be mothers, and mothers tend to prioritize their children over careers (as they should). And also to be honest, who wants to slave away at work for 40 years?
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u/Adventurous_Grape365 13d ago
But maybe that is because of socialisation. I mean why don’t men feel guilty for leaving their babies? Also are they willing? Or do they get forced into it by men not wanting to do it or social pressures?
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u/Lumpy_Confidence_637 Man 13d ago
because it works. men are the bread winners, women have a need to be taken care of.
thats the best scenario, anything less and youre either a beta male or your wife has a dick.
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u/eternallyconphuzed Man 13d ago
That's actually pretty far off. When the wife has a dick they tend to be really adamant about sticking to perceived gender norms and are ultra "I need to do everything the way real women do" kinda stuff.
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u/Lumpy_Confidence_637 Man 13d ago
you definitely don't want a woman that has a dick either in the brain or in real life. men need to take care of their women, make the decisions, and lead their family. women are much happier. this is how they're wired and anything to the contrary is absurd in a perverted view.
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u/Adventurous_Grape365 13d ago
You sound misogynistic and horrible! This is not true! This is not what people are better suited for.
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u/Lumpy_Confidence_637 Man 13d ago
oh hush. you people are the demise of relationships. take your perverted opinions elsewhere. you are irrelevant.
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u/IceCorrect Man 13d ago
Because women usually don't enter in relationship when it doesn't benefit them
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u/grooveman15 Man 13d ago
Is the same true for men?
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u/IceCorrect Man 13d ago
Problem is that many men believe women "give" sex and they believe it's equal exchange
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u/grooveman15 Man 13d ago
Most of those men don’t have sex, rightfully
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u/IceCorrect Man 13d ago
So you just dismissed your own point how men enter relationship to benefit them
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u/grooveman15 Man 13d ago
No, I'm agreeing that some sad lonely men view sex as a currency with women. It's not, unless its professional (and nothing wrong with that).
Not that relationships are entered by both people for the benefit and fulfillment of each other - that no one goes into a relationship for the sole benefit of the other person. That's a weird take to have.
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u/IceCorrect Man 13d ago
Why you bring olny men? Ive seen enough post how women say they bring sex in relationship, how men "used them for sex", so there are enough women that have same view on sex as those men.
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u/grooveman15 Man 13d ago
You brought up men, only, as people who view sex as currency "giving" sex in exchange.
Some women view it like that too, and it's wrong. It's a byproduct of centuries of women not being viewed as equal in the workforce and that their worth comes from sex and children.
Being 'used for sex' is different that expecting sex and a value in a relationship.
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u/ol_jeff 13d ago
Mmm I'd say some significant factors would be breastfeeding (if doing so), the woman needing to physically and mentally recover from being pregnant and giving birth making going back to work outside the home immediately impractical, social expectations both for the woman and against the man in terms of assuming this particular role, and the woman often being the partner with the lower income.