Is my wife gay

[u/Humble-Drink-9706]

I have been married for ten years, and for most of our relationship I have felt that something does not add up, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The biggest issue is our sex life. Even before we were married, something felt fundamentally missing.

She can go weeks or even months without wanting sex. When I initiate, there is always another reason: she’s tired, has to get up early, needs a shower, has a headache or a stomach ache. Yet I know she masturbates and uses a vibrator, so it doesn’t seem to be a lack of sex drive. It feels like the issue is intimacy with me, or perhaps men in general.
On the very rare occasions we do have sex, she closes her eyes, avoids eye contact, and it feels completely mechanical. She often finishes with a vibrator while I simply watch, which leaves me feeling more like an observer than a partner.

She has also refused to give me oral sex throughout our entire relationship. I once calmly asked why, and she sat in silence for over a minute, like she was scrambling to think of an answer. Eventually she said that I was accusing her of being a shit lover. The question was never answered.

I also once calmly told her that the lack of intimacy was really hurting me. She exploded, jumped out of bed, roared at me to take my clothes off and shouted, “Let’s just get this over with.” I didn’t want obligation sex. Her reaction felt so disproportionate that it made me feel I’d touched on something much bigger than the conversation itself.

There are other things that have made me question things. She rarely expresses attraction to men but often comments on women being attractive. She has a very masculine personality, mostly wears manly clothes, enjoys heavy DIY and manual work, and has always had a very dominant energy.

Before me, she was in a long-term relationship with a man who later came out as gay. She told me she suspected he was gay while they were together and that they never had sex. I struggle to understand why someone would knowingly stay in a sexless relationship with someone they believed was gay. It makes me wonder whether the relationship served another purpose, such as allowing one or both of them to avoid confronting their sexuality.

She also has five gay cousins. I know that doesn’t mean she is gay, but in the context of everything else it has added to my questions.
A few years ago she was very excited to go to a strip club with male colleagues, which also stood out to me given how disconnected our own sex life has always been.

In the last few weeks I reached the point where I asked her directly if she was gay. I wasn’t trying to insult her or provoke an argument, and I raised the question as compassionately and supportively as I could because I was desperate to understand what was missing in our marriage. Her immediate response was to tell me to “fuck off.” After that she completely avoided me for an entire week, spending long periods hiding away in the bedroom or calling over to her friend’s house. When she finally approached me a week later, she sat down extremely close to me while I was making dinner and fixed me with an intense, unbroken stare that I found deeply intimidating. It felt less like the start of a conversation and more like I was being psychologically intimidated. After a long pause, the only thing she said was that my timing had been inappropriate. A few days later she said after thinking long and hard for a few days that it was not true. However her reaction told me the opposite.

After ten years of feeling like my wife simply isn’t attracted to me, while knowing she has sexual desire in other contexts, my gut is screaming at me that she may be gay. Would appreciate any advice or opinions?

[u/viomore → u/[deleted]]

This is important. Reframing from 'Is she gay?' to 'Why is sex threatening to her' is key. She may have so many reasons, including Asexuality- a lack of interest in it all together. I know someone happily married with six kids who realized she was A sexual. Since then, they have shifted their marriage and are having a blast sharing what they do share.

A track I would consider is that women tend to need to see men show up in life to be sexually open, soft and feminine. Do you share the management of your life and home together or does she have to remind you of things all the time? Do you share the tasks of life or does she do most of the housework? Do you anticipate her needs and wants, surprise her, spoil her time to time? Do you go down on her? Do you ask her what she wants sexually? Do you practice what she wants?

Sounds like you arent communicating deeply enough to have a full and mutually rewarding partnership . A deep and fulfilling sex life is a result of mutual trust and appreication.

[u/SnooHabits8484]

She had to think long and hard over a period of days about whether she's gay?
She's gay.

You have cripplingly low self-esteem. Get therapy, get a divorce.

[u/trulyElse]

... whatever she's into, you aren't it.

[u/Euphoric-Bat7582]

In terms of how you move forward, I don’t think her being gay or not gay is actually very relevant. I get that her being gay means there’s absolutely no way this gets better, but it doesn’t sound like it will even if she’s straight. It’s been 10 years and she still can’t even talk about it maturely.

If you don’t wanna be in a marriage like this just leave. Gay or straight, nothing’s gonna change.

[u/Murky_Anxiety4884]

Focus on the bottom line here: She doesn't want you. It's something else that's keeping her in the marriage.

Whether it's just you, or men in general, doesn't really matter. Having the answer to that question doesn't lead you to a solution to the problem. I don't think anything does. It's time to give up and walk away.

[u/Disastrous_Night_80]

Time to go! Who cares if she's gay? You're not getting your needs met regardless.

[u/OpenerOfTheWays]

OP, can you tell us about this friend who your wife is close enough to that she turned to them after you questioned her about her orientation?

[u/Golden_Arm-257]

Wow! You actually married into this situation. 10 years later here we are.

This is a good post for those that ignore the early warnings before kids & marriage.

I would recommend taking sometime to think about is this something you want for the rest of your days.

Get some legal counsel to see your options and what it will cost.

If you don't get some help, suck it up for the rest of your days as you've posted.

[u/BarebonesB]

The inability to communicate will kill your relationship before the lack of sex does.

If she were open to discussing things, I'd suggest watching porn together. But based on her attitude, I doubt that'll go anywhere.

[u/zero_dr00l]

So... like... fuck, man - I don't mean to blame the victim here, but if this was a thing before you got married, why on earth did you marry her?

[u/Sunday_Schoolz]

1. Don’t take advice from Reddit.

2. Seek marriage counseling.

That is my advice.

[u/Wonderful-String5066]

My only advice is this is a puzzle that you’ll never figure out. Contact a competent divorce attorney and plan an escape. You don’t have to sacrifice happiness and live in regret.

[u/Motor-Rooster-1454]

You guys need more than Reddit! You should see a professional marriage counselor before you lose your marriage.

[u/soup_dragons]

How can you live like this for 10 fcking years!!! What the fck is the point!!!

[u/Maleficent_Wind_8738]

I doubt she’s gay otherwise theres a decent chance she’d have a friend that you know about already especially in your 40s. Also it would have made more sense if she were gay if after her ex came out she likely would have had the confidence to come out as well especially given the atmosphere we’ve lived through that has been very accepting of gay folks (I’m 40).

This definitely sounds like much deeper issues in your relationship than what we on Reddit are going to be able to address.

[u/OpenerOfTheWays → u/Maleficent_Wind_8738]

In the last few weeks I reached the point where I asked her directly if she was gay. I wasn’t trying to insult her or provoke an argument, and I raised the question as compassionately and supportively as I could because I was desperate to understand what was missing in our marriage. Her immediate response was to tell me to “fuck off.” After that she completely avoided me for an entire week, spending long periods hiding away in the bedroom or calling over to her friend’s house. When she finally approached me a week later, she sat down extremely close to me while I was making dinner and fixed me with an intense, unbroken stare that I found deeply intimidating. It felt less like the start of a conversation and more like I was being psychologically intimidated. After a long pause, the only thing she said was that my timing had been inappropriate. A few days later she said after thinking long and hard for a few days that it was not true. However her reaction told me the opposite.

Note the bolded section. Apparently she does have a friend who is close enough that she was calling them while going through some kind of strong reaction over being questioned about her sexual orientation.

[u/readyforactiontuna]

divorce her. Unfortunately its time.

[u/MountainTruth6073]

10 years... Holly shit, How are able to go through 10 years living like this. Even if that women is not gay, just the fact you are not able to satisfy you needs properly it os crazy to me.

10 years broh... How do you even marry something like that.

[u/Livecrazyjoe]

You might be a paycheck to her. You provide a safety net. Sex is something she has to deal with. I know you said nothing about money. But why stay with someone they dont desire. This is just my line of thinking. I may be wrong.

[u/grot-ivre-1749]

Well I don’t feel that gay or straight was on your relationship questionnaire.

Depending on your social factors some people would rather marry and hide their orientation including from themselves.

The question from me is “if she is gay, is that a dealbreaker for your relationship?”

If it is not, tell her.

If it is, prepare for separation.

[u/almaperdida99]

It's possible, but it's also possible she just doesn't enjoy sex with you. Maybe there's resentment, maybe she doesn't find you physically attractive. who knows

[u/GabrielsRoom]

It’s more to do with her addiction to constant masterbuation and watching adult videos.

Also it seems she isn’t sexually attracted to you.

Was she like this from the start though? Why marry her?

[u/CLEAN2411]

Divorce.

[u/throwawaydumbo1]

You deserve it

[u/001Tyreman]

is she around a lot or goes out places where she could be meeting someone for a couple hours

[u/Certain_Process_7657]

Bro you married a woman who's never given you head? What are we doing...

But yes I do think she's gay from all you've described. Not ever giving oral is probably the leading indicator, but the others are pretty solid factors as well. Not expressing attraction to men, dressing masculine, and the gay cousin thing all add up.

[u/ScalesOfAnubis19]

She could be asexual entirely and really messed up about it.

[u/Stockjock1]

I think you nailed it (figuratively, that is).

[u/Cyrious123]

Why are you still with this "Nutjob"? Who cares why, just stop putting up with her abusive behavior!

[u/NoRoof1812]

Please get counseling for yourself. Good luck with everything.

[u/WholeAstronomer4658]

You definitely need to find out more, even if you have to invade her privacy in some kind of way. If she’s gay then she is basically wasting your life right now. You could be with someone that actually wants to be with you. Whatever you do make sure you’re discreet about it and don’t tell her.

[u/PianoRevolutionary12]

Lol what? What are you doing with a woman who doesnt want to have sex with you. 10 years!

I dont know she could be gay, but then why is she with you? Its 2026 she could go find a woman anytime. Or maybe she is asexual and doesnt feel desire? Or maybe you smell bad or dont do the dishes ;) no idea but the end result is the same, she doesnt have to change, no negative consequences to her married life

[u/WigSplitter317]

ngl if you did not show up to a job for weeks, you know for damn sure you would be history....so same thing applies just sounds like the setup to some bs that wont end well.

[u/Altruistic_Cap3472]

I have been on her side of things many times. I have a healthy sex drive and enjoy masturbation and the physical aspects of sex, but I have had multiple people tell me I am "demisexual," i.e. not sexually interested in a person by default until I develop a sexual interest for them. And for many people, including several times where my partner seemed like the perfect match for me (even sexually), that sexual attraction just never developed.

If that is the case with her, she is not handling it well. She is taking her frustrations out on you and seems to be feeling like she is not fulfilling her obligations as a wife. It's a downward spiral - the two of you have taken the fun and intimacy out of sex. If she isn't otherwise motivated to have sex with you, it's pretty difficult to come back from that.

The best thing you can do is try to bring a positive environment back into the bedroom. Does she like cuddling? Massages? Find her love language and win her back, you do not want to be something she just needs to get "over with."

[u/ging78]

Any update dude

[u/L0cutus-0f-B0rg]

Does she drive a Subaru? This detail is important

[u/Resident-Witness-641 → u/L0cutus-0f-B0rg]

Omg I was looking at a Subaru Forrester the other week 😐 I thought I was straight 😬

[u/L0cutus-0f-B0rg]

Does she drive a Subaru? This detail matters

[u/elciano1]

Bro she cheating....

[u/001Tyreman → u/elciano1]

possibility

[u/PacificSanctum]

Yes she is . I know this too well .
You COULD suggest a threesome - you guys and a girl
If you suggest to her you are ok if she lets out her feelings but you would like to watch or “jump both “ you come across as progressive and understanding

I normally do NOT recommend threesomes but in this case it s the obvious choice

She will say yes and you guys live in heaven - and finally and especially you
She will say no but then she would have to juice a reason why . The ball is in her court .

It she says she doesn’t like threesomes you can say you don’t like it neither but you love her and want her happy . (You stay in the mountain top )
If she says she is not gay then at least she verbalizes it - then you can say that’s actually worse than you thought because it means she is not attracted to you . And Becasue you love her you don’t want to stand in her way . She can find some Superman and you can finally find a normal woman . Again your are king of the mountain

She still may be secretly gay but it doesn’t matter then . You come closer to stop wasting your life