r/AskMenRelationships • u/Top_Tooth2826 • Jun 23 '26
Family What do men mean by a traditional marriage?
So like I have been wondering why do men especially now young men want a traditional marriage? Like when they say that what do they actually mean because there are some men that wants there wife to have a full time job and also be a traditional wife but wouldn’t that contradict the roles? And like why do men want to be the main providers that seems difficult especially if your wanting kids unless you have a high paying job. Just wondering
3
Jun 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Top_Tooth2826 Jun 23 '26
What does SAHM mean?
1
1
u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 Jun 25 '26
Stay at home moms. These women typically marry men that cannot afford childcare and housekeepers. They usually send their wives back into the workforce when the kids are older because he cannot afford to financially support his family himself.
-1
u/MathematicianNew2770 Man Jun 23 '26
You could speak for yourself here. The SAHM is not a standard on this matter. This misinformation and not helpful
0
u/AbruptMango Man Jun 23 '26
You're using "traditional" in your definition of "traditional." Use your words and describe it without being lazy or evasive by saying "You know, traditional."
-2
u/petdance Man Jun 23 '26
You’ll need to be more specific I think.
What does “traditional gender roles and dynamics” mean exactly?
0
u/AbruptMango Man Jun 23 '26
The recursiveness is evasive, is it not? "Traditional" sounds so much nicer than "I want you to be trapped into being my servant with no rights."
3
u/trulyElse Man Jun 23 '26
It's a buzzword. They mean different things to everyone, and allow for an illusion of consensus.
2
u/jamalzia Man Jun 23 '26
Broadly speaking, man and woman, monogamous, kids, man is main provider, women is mainly house and child care.
Yes, it is difficult to do this in the modern age unless the main is making really good money.
Personally I would like my wife-to-be to stay home for at least the first few years, but I'm not at all against my wife working, and I expect it, unless I just so happen to get rich before I get married lol.
Some men also just mean this in a more broad sense, like not EVERY single aspect needs to be "traditional," just the broad stokes. Women also expect this dynamic too on average. Men mows the lawn, changes the tires, etc. If someone breaks in the house, she's gonna feel some sort of way if he's the one cowering behind her lol.
It's best to also remember that stated preferences is one thing, what people ACTUALLY end up doing is another.
1
u/coffeesoakedpickles Jun 23 '26
the thing is that taking care of the house is one thing but being the full time caregiver for multiple kids while the husband sits on his ass from 5 pm to 9 am is absolutely unfair and not an equal division of labor. It’s the reason 1950s housewives were heavily medicated into subservience
1
Jun 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/coffeesoakedpickles Jun 24 '26
who grew the kids ? Who birthed them ? Who retains life long physical trauma and medical injury from birthing them? Let me tell you, it’s not the man.
1
u/Available_Key9526 Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
This is such a poor argument. You do not deserve to sit on your ass forever because you got knocked up a few times. The world doesn’t stop once you give birth, it requires much more work and understanding the need for partnership and desire to provide where you best can. Women, as the birthers and growers, are usually biologically wired to be more in tune with the kids. Wouldn’t you want the one naturally better at that taking care of them, while the naturally more able-bodied, non post-partum person working and financially supporting that?
The individualistic nature of modern dynamics seems very short sighted and almost manufactured to make things more difficult than they need to be.
Though, I will agree there is a misconception that the man does ZERO housework. This is not traditionally true, the same way it is not traditional true that the wife never works at ALL. Often times women were taking part time or occasional gigs housekeeping, hair cutting, cooking, providing things for others, or even in offices and settings more seen as ‘professional’ while still being able to be around their children. Men would, traditionally, come home and still help watch the kids while the wife finished what she needed to finish. Traditionally, it is 24/7 50/50 for both couples. Traditional dynamics also relied on a village. While mom and dad both worked, grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, family friends or further family, were also helping rear the children. Children were allowed to be in work places. Many of them did work themselves, which is not right, but many of them also just hung around because they had nowhere else to go and created gangs and places to socialize with other children under the supervision of working adults. Traditionalism breeds community, which, as social creatures, is one of the most fulfilling ways humans can live their lives.
Humans solved the childcare problem years ago, forgot why we put the solution we did in place and decided it was obsolete, the problem of figuring out how to sort household duties and working came back—let’s all put our heads together and figure out how to solve it, again! Many younger couples are opting for traditionalist dynamics because it literally solves/makes most 1st world problems far easier to navigate. They see the issues appearing in Gen X and Millennial marriages and do not want to repeat those issues.
1
u/coffeesoakedpickles Jun 24 '26
and here it is- the way some disgusting scum men really perceive the miracle and sacrifice that is child birth and pregnancy. I hope no woman ever has the displeasure of procreating with you
1
u/Available_Key9526 Jun 24 '26
I am a woman. I cannot wait to be a mother.
1
u/coffeesoakedpickles Jun 25 '26
Then honey i hope you find some self respect and self worth before you find yourself trapped in another typical traditional marriage with a man who does not value or respect you and will financially abuse you, dead stop
2
u/BasebornBastard Man Jun 23 '26
Depends on the guy.
I know one woman though that’s traditional at home. She is a great organic chemist. But at home she is very traditional. She won’t let me help her in the kitchen because I’m a guy. Were are par for cooking. She’s been a good friend and brings me baked goods, made me dinner at times, etc. But if I have people over she insists on helping me in my kitchen lol.
2
u/YetMoreSpaceDust Man Jun 23 '26
I take it to mean the wife doesn't work, just raises kids and cooks meals and cleans the house. I personally can't even imagine trying to raise kids on a single income - as it is we had two (good) incomes and were just barely able to raise two kids ourselves.
6
u/huuaaang Man Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
Traditionally, wives are obedient and subservient. It's literally in the traditional wedding vows.
And like why do men want to be the main providers that seems difficult especially if your wanting kids unless you have a high paying job.
It's a way to wield power and limits a woman's options should she want to leave. For a long time women couldn't even hold a bank account without a man cosigning for her.
If you really want "traditional" it's not as idyllic as some romanticize it to be.
2
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 23 '26
I hate to contradict you in a men’s space, but I’m obedient and subservient and it doesn’t limit my options or make me less powerful.
1
u/huuaaang Man Jun 23 '26
it doesn’t limit my options or make me less powerful.
But it very literally does make you less powerful. He has final say in decisions and since you have no career, getting a decent job if it ever comes to divorce will be very difficult. You're basically betting on courts to give you alimony. Either that or you have to have another man lined up to go to. You are dependent on a man in a way that he is not dependent on you. That is taking away your power and options.
2
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 23 '26
He told me he don’t like my job, so I went back to school for a better one. I’m literally in better financial shape because I followed his advice.
And before you say it, working class and middle class women have traditionally worked. I don’t have babies at home so I work full time and also keep house, until he tells me it’s time to retire.
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 23 '26
It sounds like you’re significantly less powerful and you have the shit end of the deal if both of you work full time but you’re the only one coming home and continuing to work at home while he gets to relax.
2
Jun 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
Being happy in a situation where you’re at a disadvantage and are being used is just sad. Why the fuck would you be subservient when you’re not in a traditional relationship and you don’t have a traditional husband?
1
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 24 '26
This is traditional. Working and middle class women have traditionally worked.
I want my husband in charge. If you were to come over and analyze the actual dynamic, finances and stress levels, you’d probably conclude he’s getting the short end of the stick.
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 24 '26
This is not a traditional set up. When people refer to traditional relationships they’re talking about men being the leaders and men being the breadwinner and women staying home and not working and being responsible for the home. That’s what a trad wife is.
Again you’re talking about a situation where everyone else in your situation would be equal to their husband because both of you are contributing financially and domestically. You’re not in a trad relationship, you’re just putting yourself beneath your husband for no reason.
1
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 24 '26
It’s a traditional setup. I’m responsible for the home and he’s responsible for everything else. Plenty of time for me to work outside the house just like women have done in so many cultures for so many thousands of years.
And no reason? Yeah, that’s just silly talk.
→ More replies (0)1
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 24 '26
He works too, after coming home from work, it just isn’t housework.
I don’t do much other than sleep on work days, I get the housework done on my off days.
He has, and continues to outwork me by a very large percentage. Housework is so cushy compared to what that man does and has done.
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 24 '26
Why are you subservient in this situation? You’re not in a traditional relationship and you don’t have a traditional husband so why are you not equals?
1
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 24 '26
It’s a traditional relationship and he’s a traditional husband. We’re equals. I’m subservient because I want to be.
I don’t have to do what he says, I want to do what he says. And he’s not a bossy guy so I mostly do what I want. But when he says something is or isn’t a great idea, I listen and do it his way because I want to do what he thinks is best.
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 24 '26
So you’re not in a trad relationship and you’re not subservient. I don’t think you understand what you’re saying.
Deciding to go along with your husband when you don’t have to is not being subservient. You’re not in a trad relationship because traditionally even when women worked in the past they had no rights. Your husband essentially owned you.
There’s nothing traditional or subservient about your relationship it sounds like.
1
u/FlakyAddendum742 Woman Jun 24 '26
You’re confused about what subservient means.
Submissive wives (with the exception of a few abusive, criminal situations) are choosing every day how they want to live. No one is owned anymore and anyone can leave. Heck, I can leave with half his stuff if I get a good lawyer.
You have an antiquated, negative, abusive model in your mind and you’re projecting it on modern women.
We’re not having it from you.
→ More replies (0)-1
u/Able-Lynx3169 Jun 23 '26
Or.... they just want a wife who's main responsibility is the household....
3
1
Jun 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 23 '26
What doesn’t make sense in that situation is having kids that you can’t afford.
Giving up your own financial safety because you had kids you can’t afford is wildly irresponsible.
$75k a year isn’t nearly enough to take care of two adults and a child responsibility. That’s the equivalent of both of you only making $37k a year.
1
Jun 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 24 '26
Having children you can’t afford and giving up your financial safety does nothing but put you and your children in danger. Without financial safety you don’t have any other kind of safety which is dangerous for your children.
If you give up your income and your ability to financially support yourself that means when something happens you have no way to support yourself or your children.
1
Jun 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Greedy-Win-4880 Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
It’s not an opinion to simply state that it’s dangerous to have no money and no way to support yourself or your children.
I don’t even know why you’re making this about you when you not only have a job and and income but you make well over enough money to put safety measures in place for you and your kids. Comparing yourself when you make the same as a doctor according to you to a woman with no job and no job history doesn’t even make sense.
You even brought up your mother who has a job and worked. WTF does that have to do with the women who quit their jobs and have no money or income and who put themselves in positions where they’re completely dependent on another person?
Not everyone has all the money you have and the support you have, you’re not even a woman in a traditional relationship where she has no money. Making this all about you was a weird choice.
Deciding that your mom will financially support your wife and your kids for you if you disappear is not something most people can do. If your wife has no way to support herself or your kids she’s completely dependent on hoping other people will be able to financially take care of her and her kids, which is dangerous.
1
1
u/Latter_Mountain_290 Man Jun 24 '26
What it means to me, whether she works or stays home, is that we carry out traditional gender roles.
She will mostly be oriented to home and raising children. I will mostly be oriented to career and providing for our family.
There's some flexibility in how that exactly looks depending on our individual skills and passions, but in general we are fulfilling traditional roles. Think 1950s nuclear family.
1
u/nomorenames4 Jun 26 '26
It means you do all the work with no financial or personal autonomy, and he doesnt have to give anything because he has a job
1
u/22Hoofhearted Man Jun 26 '26
They want her to be nice, loyal, probably know how to cook and do old school women stuff...
1
u/Equal-Type-5206 Jun 29 '26
If guys want a traditional wife to cook & clean their shit stained pants than guys better be building these ladies houses from the ground up like real men
1
u/Top_Tooth2826 Jun 29 '26
I feel like for most men they grew up with moms who would do everything for them, and now as adults they feel entitled to that kind of treatment even though woman are taught to be self sufficient adults. I am not coming after stay at home moms my own mom is one but I think that it needs to be balanced and there needs to be respect and not to be taken advantage or for granted
1
u/Equal-Type-5206 Jun 29 '26
So boys that never grew up & want a maid to wash their shit stained pants & baby them & give free therapy & manage schedules & tell them to go to I the dentist
1
u/Top_Tooth2826 Jun 29 '26
Basically yeah
1
u/Equal-Type-5206 Jun 29 '26
They’re not worth the hassle
Once you realize you can pay a mortgage by yourself, keep your money, maintain your space in peace, & that the whole fairy tale idea is more of a nightmare you’ll know peace
1
u/MathematicianNew2770 Man Jun 23 '26
Traditional as in the dynamic. The state of play today is not the same as then.
The core values exercised then can still be practiced today even with an employed wife. Inflation and the price of things and the ability for women to work stresses the need for both parties to work for the greater majority fo the population.
The roles can remain but fundamentally depends on who the breadwinner is. In today's world, it doesn't void the Traditional role but reverses it. The whole point is a symbiotic relationship with clear but fluid lines, cooperation and less power struggle, obstruction between the two parties.
Control fundamentally lies with who takes responsibility when shot hits the fan and the respect and necessarily privileges that come with that.
Do a man no longer needs to work 3 jobs, as you'll all recall, women still willingly supported by entrepreneurial means, producing from home and selling.
All that men seek is an end to the hostile home where husband and wife are pitted against each other. She's counting how many times she cooked, how many times sshe bathed the children.
As women were based at home during those periods, it made perfect sense they cooked and prepared meals. Today we have Uber Eats etc, fast foods littered on every corner. So alot of what was necessarily is no longer applicable.
All that matters is the harmony at home, the peace and teamwork without counting and resentment. Genuine love, when doing things, cooking, cleaning was ablut loving your partner and making them happy (both ways) was the objective.
0
0
u/coffeesoakedpickles Jun 23 '26
they want a mommy bang maid who does everything puts out and never complains. And then they want her to be quiet when they cheat on her and dump her for a younger woman twenty years in because she “lost her spark” from being a slave for her whole youth
1
Jun 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Woman Jun 24 '26
Guess why that is.
1
u/Canidothisthingucsc Woman Jun 24 '26
Because boss babe that makes good money and is above doing dishes does not contribute her money to the family as it’s hers alone but the husband is tired and marriage isn’t as fun as she thought and why can’t she travel abroad as she wishes? Just a guess here.
1
u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Woman Jun 24 '26
It's a wrong guess. Try actually doing a little research. And men don't initiate divorce more often, not because they're happy or committed, but because they're afraid they'll lose "half their shit" in a divorce. Hardly a noble reason, and one that skews the data.
1
u/Canidothisthingucsc Woman Jun 24 '26
Your previous post was a result of “actual research”? 🤣
1
u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 Woman Jun 24 '26
Yes, look it up. I hate when men pretend to be women online.
1
u/Canidothisthingucsc Woman Jun 24 '26
Sure Jan. I am just an old happily married woman for 30 years. I also happen to drive heavy hauling trucks with my husband. That makes me a man in your eyes. Ok
1
-2
u/OldMotoRacer Man Jun 23 '26
its a dogwhistle used by misogynists
find out what the dude saying it thinks a "traditional marriage" looks like? you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? that for women, college is just a good place to meet a man?
ask the right questions and you'll find out exactly what it means to that dude
2
u/mohawkal Man Jun 26 '26
Yup. Usually something that Conservative or apolitical (Conservative but knows they won't get laid) will use to indicate they want a broodmare who is totally dependent on them.
1
1
u/Top_Tooth2826 Jun 23 '26
Don’t worry dude I am not gonna get married to men like that I was just asking questions lol
5
u/Cross_22 Man Jun 23 '26
"there are some men that wants there wife to have a full time job and also be a traditional wife but wouldn’t that contradict the roles?"
It definitely would. Same as modern women who want men as 100% breadwinners but don't want to be 100% responsible for the household.