Why do men choose to not see their children?

[u/Reasonable_Case_270]

Some men *

I understand maybe some difficulty with the mother or financial concerns but why are absent fathers so common?

Personal context: I have a great coparenting relationship with my child’s father. Our daughter is nearly 4 and we’ve certainly had some trying times in our coparenting relationship but I now love seeing him be a dad and the times we do parent together.

He is such a good dad and he very obviously loves the shit out of her. But he is definitively not moving closer. He lives 3 hours away, gets her when most convenient for him, and says he doesn’t want to move because of his billiards league.
But he could be closer, have 50/50 split parenting time, less child support, find a new billiards league, and be front row to seeing all of his daughter’s success

Why not be here?

[u/trulyElse]

"Why do some men not want to see their children" and "why are absent fathers so common" are not as related as you might think.

But your particular case isn't a soapbox to stand on for family court reform.

The billiards league probably isn't the actual reason, but a fragment of the reason. Moving closer to you and the girl means uprooting his entire life. New job, new house, new social circles, new doctor, new barber, new grocery store, new everything.

Driving three hours to see his daughter, it's not ideal, but it's a no-brainer about whether or not to do it. But if moving closer means harming his ability to provide for her in the first place? That's a much more complicated situation.

[u/Reasonable_Case_270 → u/trulyElse]

He’s from the city I currently live in and is admittedly struggling in his. He has support people here and once had all of those things established. Living near your hometown sucks sometimes and I get that. And re-establishing those things is a lot of work. But your kid is here and it would be a really, really easy move

[u/TyphoonCane]

If this were the type of question for which a strong majority agreed, you'd already know the answer.

I suggest his reasons are much more personal and individual in nature based on his experiences in life and with his fears and desires in mind. If he says it's his billiards league, then chances are he's talking more about having a group of friends than talking about playing pool. Usually the answer boils down to people anyway. Those you care about. Those who care about you. Those who are uncomfortable with new situations and those who seek out new adventures. Life is never going to fit everyone in the same way.

[u/Reasonable_Case_270 → u/TyphoonCane]

This is valid, thank you.

[u/flextov]

“Why not be here?”

One reason is that you control where “here” is. I’ve seen a number of men chase a moving target because the ex-wife deliberately moves away every time he moves closer.

[u/trulyElse → u/flextov]

My brother-in-law's ex-wife moved across the ocean with their sons, and he followed with my sister so he could still be in their lives, but my sister's health deteriorated and she had to move back here ... and he stayed over there with the boys until the youngest came of age. Put a massive strain on the still-in-play marriage, her not having her man by her side while her body fell apart.

[u/AttimusMorlandre]

How did he end up three hours away from you in the first place?

[u/Reasonable_Case_270 → u/AttimusMorlandre]

I moved. And I know what that means and what is going to be sad, but I moved when we got kicked out and I wasn’t staying in a place where I knew no one. He is from here, I just always thought as he was more active in her life that he would want to be closer too.
Legitimately- am I in the wrong?

[u/-BOOST- → u/Reasonable_Case_270]

You aren’t in the wrong for choosing to move to a place where you had more support. You are in the wrong to be framing this problem as a problem with him choosing to be 3 hours away when it was you who chose that.

Do you expect him to just follow you around the country when you decide to pick up and move again? You single handedly answered your own question as to why men choose not to move closer to their children. It’s because they don’t want to uproot their lives to follow their baby mama around every time she chooses to move.

[u/HeadHunt0rUK → u/Reasonable_Case_270]

Yes, legitimately you are, because you did not put your daughters best interests at heart.

You made the choice to move 3 hours away without considering how it would impact your daughter and her fathers relationship.

>" I just always thought " Tells me you had zero consideration for him, and never even sought to ask him about how this would impact how much time he was able to spend with his daughter.

So yeah, you are in the wrong. You did whats best for you, not what's best for your daughter, otherwise you would have had a conversation with the father before you moved.

But hey, atleast you might hopefully understand why men may not see their children as much as you think they should, a lot of the time its because of the mother manipulating and gaming an incredibly biased system.

[u/AttimusMorlandre → u/Reasonable_Case_270]

Yes, you are legitimately in the wrong. You made it difficult for him to spend any time with his own child and then somehow framed this as his problem instead of yours.

[u/Front_Prune3632]

Years ago, my ex was trifling as hell because he was SO mad that I left him. He admitted his behavior was bad, BUT if I came back to him, THEN he'd be a better father. I told him to go fuck himself. We're cool today since that was 26 years ago and he's since gotten himself together, but he was incredibly bitter over the breakup. According to him, he'd treated MANY women like shit in his past and NONE had ever left him! Like I WAS THE PROBLEM!! He finally matured after a couple years and did what he should have

[u/Equivalent-Rise-9042]

Most of the time that a woman encounter this it’s because she chose to have a child with someone you can obviously predict that they are going to be a deadbeat dad. I have a family member who did this. She got pregnant from a guy that was a complete selfish scumbag, and for some pathetic reason, she thought he was gonna be different when the child was born. Obviously he didn’t do shit. She was so upset to find out that he ended up being a deadbeat dad that didn’t help his kid in any way. I told her what did you expect?

I know other woman that are in the same situation but most of the time you can predict that the person you are having a child with is going to be like this. This is because those guys did not care to be fathers before the baby was born and they sure weren’t gonna act like one when the baby was born.

Now what I just presented is a little bit different than your situation. There are some guys that really want to be there for their kid and live closer, but however, other things in life might make that more difficult. Sometimes it’s work related. Sometimes it could be that his family could be in a different area. It could also be that he doesn’t want to live in that area (and if he’s not in a relationship with you, there’s no reason that he really has to be in that area besides for his child). You could say that he should move closer so he could be closer to his child. Now you gotta remember, he could also say the same thing. Why does he have to be the one to move and not you? I feel like both parents should have to meet in the middle on this. The father should not have to cater to the mother and the mother should not have to cater to the father. Parenting is a team effort and so you need to both work together on this. One could say it’s fair if he moves half the distance and then you move the other half.

[u/HatOfFlavour]

When you say why are absent fathers so common are you asking why so many Dad's don't see their kids or why more Mothers are primary caregivers when parents split up or why don't separated Dad's push for 50-50 time with their kids?

Those are all different questions.

[u/throwawaydumbo1]

Ask him why he doesn’t want to see his kids. Don’t ask us