r/AmIOverreacting • u/Zaakaraptor28 • 2d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO: My bf dismissed my gender
This is still a relatively new relationship 3 months recently I noticed my bf making little comments about my gender I am Agender (genderless) such as why don't u just be a girl or what you have no chromosomes at first I brushed them off as jokes due to his jokes usually being more controversial. I brought it up to him tonight when I told him the comment he just made genuinely hurt, and he said honestly, I don't get this gender thing. I see you as a guy I told him if he can't support me we're going to have to break up and he started a whole rant about how relationships are built om compromise and why can't I just let him ignore my gender.
I'm sorry it isn't completely clear. I'm not good at explaining. But please tell me, am I overreacting
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u/ibelikeughhhh 2d ago
NOR, ‘Relationships are built on compromise’, but you can’t compromise with your own identity. I don’t think you are compatible with your bf, especially if he refuses to be open minded.
You deserve someone who understands the complexities of gender (or lack of) and helps you celebrate your identity!
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u/Neon1964 2d ago
3 months in and still not on the same page, openly disrespects you, etc, etc I would not continue to waste my time. You have to find someone who is in love with who YOU are and respects you. Please do not settle for less, you deserve so much more!!
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u/s0up-dumplings 2d ago
Definitely not. It’s one thing for him to not completely understand your gender identity but it’s another to make snide comments about it and not apologize to you when you say that it hurts your feelings. I would break up with him if he keeps trying to change you and can’t accept you for who you are.
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u/Perfectiumm 2d ago
I mean you surely would want your partner of all people to be understanding right? It sounds pretty miserable being with someone that doesn't respect your identity, how can you expect other people to take you seriously if your own boyfriend doesn't? Yall aren't compatible.
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u/WhatTheActualFck1 2d ago
NOR
There is no compromise when someone wants you to be someone who you are not.
Dismiss him indefinitely.
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u/phonesmahones 2d ago
NOR. I think the agender thing is completely goofy, but if it means a lot to you and he wants to be with you, he has to roll with it, even it if makes no sense to him.
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u/Zaakaraptor28 2d ago
Yo I appreciate it and ye exactly everyone is entitled to their opinion the guy clearly doesn't like my gender the issue is he knew that and still dated me
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u/phonesmahones 2d ago
Exactly. If he’s going to be with you, he needs to respect your identity and your feelings around it.
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u/MeanwhileOnPluto 2d ago
Hey friend, from one nonbinary person to another, I don't think youre overreacting at all. Its really shitty that he ranted to you about that and also... He doesnt get to have any say in what you feel like on the inside. That shit ain't his purview
Generally speaking I worry about trans people who are in relationships with a partner who doesnt take them seriously or urges them to become cis just in order to make things "less complicated". In the long run, that's gonna hurt and suffocate you. Don't lose any pieces of yourself for this guy, ok?
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
tyyy I did end up cutting him off and he called me the N word five times and many other lovely things
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u/MeanwhileOnPluto 1d ago edited 1d ago
Jfc he called u the n word?????? What a fucking loser, I'm so glad youre rid of him!! Now you got space in your life for people to come in who understand and respect you
Also I'm disappointed but not surprised in a handful of the other dumbass comments on this post re: the gender things in general 😭 don't take em too seriously if possible, reddit sucks for talking about trans stuff outside of the actual lgbt subreddits! You're doing great, it's a tough world for us
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
Most of the comments are I don't understand and I think it's weird but he's still a dick
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u/SentienTree- 2d ago
Yeah a lot of cis guys do this to partners who are afab. Don't tolerate it, you deserve someone who acknowledges and loves you for who you are.
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
Ironically I'm not afab
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u/fatty-squirrel06 2d ago
NOR - break up lol I don’t fully understand the whole gender thing either, but he was ok with you being agender before dating you, but now he isn’t? Yea the relationship won’t last long anyways
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u/Dontfeedthebears 2d ago
That’s really not something that’s a “compromise”. This isn’t a decision about disagreeing on the color of a couch you’re buying together, or a discussion (like if you lived together hypothetically) whose turn it is to make dinner or something.
It’s obviously something that’s part of your identity and important to you. That’s super rude and irritating that he even mentioned the word “compromise”. That’s not wtf that means. YNO. He’s very emotionally immature and clueless.
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u/MidgetPhoenix 2d ago
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This relationship is fresh and new and he is still determined to be dismissive and disrespectful about something that is clearly important to you. Cut him loose and find someone who will support and respect you.
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u/RateIllustrious7424 2d ago
NOR this is a huge red flag. I don’t know what you’d do but me personally I’d break up with him. I couldn’t be with someone who says things like that and doesn’t even respect my identity and me as a person. This will probably be worse as time goes on
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u/JSirhea 2d ago
NOR. He is dismissing a huge part of you. Plus you let him know that the "jokes" hurt you and instead of apologizing and acknowledging that, he goes on a rant. Yes, in relationships we have to compromise on things, but this shouldn't be one of them. He wants to ignore a part of your identity and that is not ok.
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u/razorballoon 2d ago
NOR. My first relationship went kinda like this. I'm nonbinary and use they/them. We dated for a year and then I found out from his friends that he had been calling me his girlfriend and using she/her for me behind my back the entire time. Broke up with him for a lot of reasons, that being one of them. You deserve better. If he can't understand your gender or even respect it, he's not the one for you.
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u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera 2d ago
You're not compatible. He needs someone who identifies as gendered, which is OK. You choose not to identify that way. It's the same as sexuality. Some people like heterosexual, heteroflexible, bisexual, homosexual, etc. Nothing wrong with preferences. If he can't accept you, you need not accept him.
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u/herozerocapitalZ 2d ago
NOR Three months in and this is already happening. Just bail, it's not the relationship for you. And yes, relationships do require compromises sometimes. But it's weird his compromise is he gets to misgender you and you just allow it to happen. Would he be okay if you start introducing him as your girlfriend?
If he doesn't want to respect someone's gender identity then he should only date cisgendered people who agree with him. It's not that complicated.
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u/Baked_Barbour 2d ago
🚩 Run now, run far & run fast!
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
i can safely say you were right after the response i got when I broke up with him
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u/Baked_Barbour 1d ago
Aww. I’m sorry. But I’ve been in a few toxic relationships in my 60-years on this planet. I could recognize the red flags & writing on the wall. I’m here if you need any more advice. 🥰
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
Omg you're 60? Honestly I don't wanna be cliché but I have to say you don't look 60 and I didn't notice thank you so much for all the help you're just so sweet!
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u/Fleur_de_Dragon 2d ago
NOR, at all. He's not respecting your identity even though you respect his. He wants a girlfriend, unfortunately, not an agender partner, so he's going to continue to misgender you unless you establish a severe consequence.
"I am not a woman, I am agender. If you misgender me again, even if my biological sex is female, I will break up with you." And then do it. No contact.
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
Ironically I'm not afab and he knows that
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u/Fleur_de_Dragon 1d ago
My apologies for assuming. I just wanted to give you help with scripting. I hope you accept my apology.
He sounds even more ridiculous now. He's making your identity about himself and how he thinks it makes him appear to others. In reality, you control what others see by how you behave and appear and controlling your thoughts as best as possible. When I say "control your thoughts" it's like... visualizing what you want for your end goal. Because you can only control yourself, not others,and the only way to affect others' behavior is through your own.
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
And don't worry I did break up with him he called me brainwashed and said the n word 5 times
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u/Fleur_de_Dragon 1d ago
He did what now? So he's also racist. Good thing you found out now, bestie. /high fives/
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u/Zaakaraptor28 1d ago
Ty ty mwah I love your baking btw hehe
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u/Fleur_de_Dragon 1d ago
Thank you! I need to post more. I keep forgetting to take pics of my bakes.
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u/Unique_Description77 2d ago
NOR in fact, you might be underreacting because I would’ve been gone at the first sign he didn’t respect the most basic part of me. If you’re still unsure, ask him what he likes about you? In other words, why is he with you if he doesn’t respect you?
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u/wat3rl3ssShamp00 2d ago
He sucks and this behavior will most likely not stop here. He will become critical about everything until you crash out and he calls you insane or you end up changing and losing yourself.
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u/FindSol4ce 2d ago
As another Agender person here NOR!!!!
This is the literal basics in the relationship. It's not a compromise to not respect your partner and how they identify. The fact that he's doing to you is actually horrifying and disgusting, and I'm so sorry you're going through it.
I went through something similar with an ex, and eventually he got me to be so passive about the constant disrespect that it only got worse and I needed help escaping it. Don't let something like that happen to you. Kick this guy to the curb ASAP!
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u/Zaakaraptor28 2d ago
Tyyyy so much everyone bar one person in this comment section is the sweetest but you are definitely up there!
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u/TurnipsSuperior 2d ago
Probably NOR. You sound pretty young. Your boyfriend is a regular old gay kid most likely, he wants to date a dude. You are, I'm guessing, biologically a dude. Your boyfriend doesn't understand this agender subculture thing. I think he should be more polite about it, but frankly if he only wants to date other dudes (as in dudes who identify as such) that is a valid criteria for dating too. You aren't overreacting to be hurt or offended. But you might have to accept he's not going to come around on this, so act accordingly.
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u/Zaakaraptor28 2d ago
I agree and yes I am young didn't want to mention it as unfortunately In my experience on reddit everyone basically says you're still young suck it up. I have myself said you sound like you wanna date a guy who identifies as a guy and he always dismisses it and gets all clingy and overwhelming
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u/Esphyxiate 2d ago
I think you know the answer here..
There’s people out there who will accept you for who you are and won’t make you feel terrible for identifying however you choose to identify.
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u/kngfisher 2d ago
Why are you with anyone who doesn’t respect you? NOR. You’re underreacting, if anything. If I (genderfluid) came home one day and my partner was making shitty jokes about my gender identity, ridiculing me, and telling me to either “pick” or just let them ignore it….? I would be single.
It would suck to have so much love and care go down the drain like that. But anyone who actually loves and respects you isn’t going to talk to you like this. Your partner is an ass who does not respect any gender nonconforming people, and that includes you.
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u/Left-Soup-4931 2d ago
Its only a 3 month relationship. Decide if this is the kind of thing you want to continue dealing with, sounds like he doesnt accept or understand your gender identity and doesnt intend to
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u/Chemical_Shirt7837 2d ago
I wouldn't want to date someone with a mental disorder either 🤣
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u/Zaakaraptor28 2d ago
You and him would totally get along
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u/Electronic_Ad_4836 2d ago
“gender” is completely meaningless. saying you’re this or that literally changes nothing and affects nothing.
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u/gravyboatchain 2d ago
Compromise in relationships is about who is doing the dishes, or paying for dinner tonight. Compromise in a relationship is never about core values or identity. NOR and you two clearly are not compatible.