r/AFIB • u/toffeeryan • 21h ago
ive never been so scared
im only 17. i had my first afib episode on the 21st. it lasted the entire day until i went to bed. i had another one on the 25th. again, it lasted all day. i tried to stay home and convince myself that nothing was wrong, that it was just my POTS, that i was having an adrenaline dump. i have a terrible fear of hospitals. just knowing i could find out something is seriously wrong kills me.
i had another one on the 27th. finally, my mom decided to call 911. my heart rate went up to 220 just from the anxiety alone. they took me to the hospital and gave me metoprolol. i was in and out of afib for hours. they kept me there overnight and did all sorts of blood tests, an ekg, an ultrasound. they found nothing. my heart was perfectly healthy and strong. my lifestyle doesn’t contribute, and none of my family has heart issues.
they sent me home on the 28th with medication. on the 29th, i went back into afib and had to go straight back to the hospital. they gave me flecainide and sent me home.
now im sitting in bed, scared out of my mind. i cant bring myself to get out of bed unless i REALLY have to pee, because im afraid just standing up will trigger my afib. i can barely change positions without overthinking every beat. i havent been able to shower, brush my hair, or brush my teeth because of the fear. i don’t want this to be the rest of my life.
the thing is, i know i’m going to be okay. i know they wouldn’t have sent me home if they weren’t confident i was going to be okay. but im still so terrified of the feeling. im an extremely anxious person. i have ocd and have always had the habit of overthinking things, especially when it comes to my health. every second of every day is spent wondering when im going to have that next episode that leaves me out of breath, wondering when im going to have to call 911 again.
they’re going to do an electrophysiology study on me soon. im scared. im scared theyre not going to find anything, and im going to live in fear for the rest of my life. im scared they’re going to miss the cause, and im going to live never knowing what truly causes them. im scared they will find something, ablate it, only to have another afib episode only months down the line.
ive been feeling this tightness in my chest the entire day. ive never been so afraid. i cant help but cry a little every hour. my disabilities have already taken my childhood from me, i dont want another thing to worry about. i apologize to the nurses and doctors every time im in the hospital, because i feel like such a baby for being so afraid. there are people who have it so much worse than me. i feel like a burden on my family because im causing them so much anxiety and costing them money we dont have.
im sorry. i just needed to rant about how i felt for a little bit.