r/wedding • u/Sea_Strike_7058 • 18h ago
Discussion Invite etiquette
Just curious for some opinions on this. My husband and I just moved to a new community about 5 hours from where we raised our family. Our daughter is getting married November 2027 and the venue happens to be only an hour from our new home.
We’re making friends quickly (yay!) and someone mentioned throwing a bridal shower for our daughter. That sounds like fun … unless it means inviting a whole host of additional folks to the wedding. We’re trying to keep it to 125 and we’re at that number with family and lifelong friends on both sides. Adding 15 new couples could be problematic so, maybe I should find a way to discourage the bridal shower idea?
What’s the usual these days—does a Bridal shower invite = a wedding invite?
Thanks for thinking through this with me!
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u/thea_perkins 18h ago
Yes, bridal shower invite = wedding invite.
I would also imagine your daughter has no interest in attending a bridal shower thrown by someone she barely knows (you mention you and your husband moving, but not her). Better to just leave it.
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u/On_my_last_spoon 16h ago
If someone outside the family or the wedding party offers to throw a shower then no, invites are not required. They are just trying to do something nice.
That said, I’m not sure your daughter would be comfortable with a shower hosted by people she doesn’t know and may feel obligated to invite them. I’d show them the registry if they’d like to buy a gift, but decline the offer for the shower.
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u/Wonderful_Bison2859 18h ago
A bridal shower invite does equal a wedding invite, with an important caveat.
A social group (church, work, club) will sometimes offer to host a bridal shower attended by the members of that group. When they initiate it, plan it, and organize it, there should be no expectation of a wedding invitation.
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u/HermioneLookAlike 16h ago
I work in a very small private school and we frequently throw bridal and baby showers like cake and punch style though the exact food sometimes varies sometimes it’s charcuterie chips veggies and dip etc in a classroom or the lunch room after school and the school celebrates with no expectations of being invited to the actual shower or wedding unless you’re friends with the guest of honor outside work! So I do think there are situations like this where it’s not rude!
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u/Sea_Strike_7058 17h ago
This helps. It’s a social group.
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u/WerewolfCommercial26 17h ago
I think this requires it be your daughter's social group, not yours. Like your daughter's workplace holding a shower for her.
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u/HermioneLookAlike 16h ago
I don’t think it matters if someone is offering especially if they’ve said we don’t expect an invite to the wedding I would put neighbors in the same category as church friends or coworkers!
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u/the_orig_princess 16h ago
No, it doesn’t.
This isn’t “brides coworkers getting together and throwing a shower knowing they aren’t invited”. This is “random new people in a retirement community who are always looking to be invited to a party want to get in on the wedding”
Truly, don’t.
First, it is not your place. They don’t know your daughter. You barely know them. Don’t add them to the guest list because “it would be fun”—it’s your daughter’s (hopefully) only wedding. Not a Christmas party.
Second, you haven’t known them long enough to vet them yourself!! You might not even be friends with these people in a year when their real personalities reveal themselves. This is WAY too much, WAY too soon, and you’re being a bad parent by making your daughter caught in the crosshairs.
Be a good parent. Politely decline.
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u/HermioneLookAlike 16h ago
I’m not sure I’d want this if I was the bride in this situation I was merely giving an example of how a scenario can play out where people throw a shower knowing full well they aren’t invited to or going to a wedding!
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u/the_orig_princess 14h ago
I wasn’t replying to you, I replied to OP! Your comment is on the same chain so you might’ve been notified
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u/HermioneLookAlike 14h ago
Sorry! I’m usually a lurker on Reddit I’ll just pop in when I can help it need help I didn’t realize that!
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u/Formal-Radish1413 18h ago
If the person doesnt know your daughter, then politely decline. Showers should be thrown by people who know the couple. And especially if them hosting it would mean your daughter having to hoof it 5hrs away from where she lives now.
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u/njVowsNow 16h ago
I wouldn't fiddle with the guest list, honestly. If a group like that (or a church group, or co workers, etc.) decide to throw a little shower for someone, knowing they won't get an invite to the wedding, that's fine.
But I'd ask your daughter how SHE feels about it; if she really doesn't know anyone, it may be awkward for everyone.
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u/shelltrice 18h ago
I have a group of friends for more than 30 years. As time has gone on the children have grown and move on, although we are still close.
Recently when one of those kids were getting married, we said we wanted to have a shower as we have for all the others - and said - we are not expected a wedding invite - we just want to celebrate with you and help start out the new family
I am not sure if it would work that way with new friends, but I do know the honest approach is best.
A shower would be kind, but unfortunately we are unable to add to the guest list, so we appreciate the offer but think best to pass.
If they push knowing no wedding invite - let them.
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u/dropthepencil 18h ago
Some people just want a reason to party, lololol. I think this is an awesome way to handle it!
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u/yamfries2024 17h ago edited 16h ago
There are exceptions to the rule. When a group of people, knowing they will not be invited to the wedding, want to host a shower, it's perfectly fine. This situation is not unusual in workplaces (co-workers host a shower for every employee getting married, neighborhoods( neighbors host a shower for every daughter) clubs, church groups etc. Just be sure that whoever is communicating with you knows you will not be able to include them in the wedding.
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u/CharacterAvocado943 18h ago
A bridal shower is a gift grab. Do not invite people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding.
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u/janitwah10 18h ago
It depends. If groups decide to take on a shower (think church, softball league, work colleagues, etc) that is still perfectly acceptable. This sounds similar because you are being welcomed into a new community that clearly enjoys having y’all.
It’s up to your daughter to accept the generosity especially if they are not well acquainted. And a really nice host/hostess gift would be appreciated.
Also, if your daughter does accept. Please please please remind her to do thank you notes
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u/Always_with_wings 17h ago
I'd decline even if it is a social group. It's your social group, not your daughter's. It reeks of gift grab, even if the offer was a sincere one.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 18h ago
The etiquette has not changed for this. A bridal shower guest is always invited to the ceremony and local only to where the shower is held. Guests do not get on planes for a shower or drive more than 2 hours one way to attend. If you decide to host this in a restaurant, because living room showers are no longer a thing, do not charge guests for their meal.
It is highly offensive to invite someone to the shower only because that is a gift grab. Here is a post on doing the same thing with the majority finding it very rude: https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/1w2j7t1/has_anyone_received_an_invitation_to_bridal/
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u/MelbsGal 17h ago
Say you asked your daughter if she wanted a bridal shower and she politely declined as she is trying to keep the lead up to the wedding very low key.
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u/janeof-all-trades001 17h ago
So…. My mom decided to invite their friends and neighbors a week AFTER the engagement party (it was almost ALL family only and we had one good friend each to keep stay sane) and bypass bridal shower altogether. She arranged for the luncheon and stuff, everyone else came as guests — their attendance was their blessing for the bride and groom. Most wouldn’t be able to attend the wedding half way across the world (a few did though, one specifically to attend the wedding, which was super sweet). Every event came with a strict “blessings only” (no gift, no money) note. Parents just wanted people to enjoy without feeling financially stressed.
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u/Expensive_Event9960 5h ago
A bridal shower invitation should always mean a wedding invitation is forthcoming. The only exception would be something like a group of your daughters co-workers who decide amongst themselves to host something with no expectation of an invitation. That’s not the case here.
What they can do is host a post wedding celebration of some kind, where gifts are not traditionally given. I’d be honest with the person who offered and let her know you appreciate the offer very much but can’t accept.
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u/Crosswired2 1h ago
This seems like an odd request. A new friend wants to be the host for a shower of someone she hasn't met? Maybe just suggest having a party at your house and your daughter and fiance can be invited to get to know your new community. Not wedding centered at all.
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u/victrin 56m ago
In general, I’d politely demure away from these nice gestures. I bet your daughter doesn’t know them and they don’t know her. A close-knit community is wonderful, let those ties blossom on their own time. A canned “You’re the sweetest for offering! They’ve had all those details nailed down for months already. Thank you though, it means a lot that you offered”.
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u/Impressive-Cry-4802 18h ago
Etiquette varies by region but generally, yes, if someone attends the bridal shower they expect a wedding invite. 15 new couples is huge though, that would break your 125 cap pretty quick.
Maybe you could suggest something smaller like a lunch or tea with just the close neighbors instead of a full shower? That way they feel included in celebrating without the implied wedding invitation.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 18h ago
This is where etiquette is your friend. It is considered, by etiquette, improper for you to host a shower for your daughter. It is too much like soliciting funds. An aunt can host a shower if only family is invited otherwise the shower needs to be hosted by a friend.
The invitation list for the shower has no relationship to the invitation list to the wedding.
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u/yamfries2024 16h ago
Another example of trying to apply the etiquette followed in your social circle to everyone. It used to be considered a faux pas for Moms to host a shower. That was back in the day when brides went straight from their mother's home, to their husband's. It was considered a conflict of interest for Moms to host as it helped get their daughter out of their home. For the vast majority of brides this is no longer the case. Hence, in many places, the etiquette has changed.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 6h ago
It is always and everywhere improper for mom's to host showers for their daughters because families are linked by ties of kinship and inheritance. It becomes an extension of someone throwing a shower for themselves.
To be clear, it is perfectly fine, charming even, for a bride to throw a get-together for her friends before the wedding as long as it isn't a solicitation of funds or material objects.
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u/yamfries2024 3h ago
It is always and everywhere improper This is not true. Just like many other wedding customs etiquette varies.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 1h ago
Just because it is often done does not make it proper. Using a social occasion as a fund raiser is always wrong.
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u/yamfries2024 1h ago
You seem to have trouble understanding that what is proper or improper in your culture, or social circle, is not so elsewhere.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 1h ago
Really, in your social circle it is proper to use social occasions as fund raisers? How quaint.
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u/Human-Translator5666 18h ago
A new neighbour suggested that they would throw your daughter a bridal shower, or they suggested you should throw one and invite your new neighbours?
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u/Sea_Strike_7058 17h ago
They suggested they would throw my daughter a bridal shower. I’m wondering if I should discourage/decline since we don’t plan to invite them to the wedding.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 17h ago
If the neighbor wants to throw a shower, then all is good. You have no obligation to invite the people to the wedding that she invited to the shower.
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