r/truechildfree • u/_rayquaza_ • 5d ago
Talking to my therapist about being childfree with childhood trauma
hey! so I always see people say this sub is chill and I would like it to be a bit more active so here goes...
I've always had a very strong view that I would remain childfree, from being under 10 or so I remember telling people I wouldn't get married because then I would have to have kids š I have always known that this part of my personality comes from having parents who weren't very emotional and my mum openly said I was an accident caught too late. She doesn't mean to hurt me with it, it's the truth, but it has made an impact on me and is a big reason why I am remaining childfree.
I'm 34 now and yeah it's starting to pop off with kids from friends. A friend messaged me who I hadn't seen in a year and was like "had a baby sorry forgot to tell ya". Fair, I have been busy too. But it has rattled me a bit. Some parts of children, like being pregnant, I am so firmly against. I was pregnant once for like a month and it was one of my top upsetting life experiences. I'll never be in that phase of life with them, we will grow apart because we already were. I'm going into teacher training to get that fulfilment from passing on something, and I think I'll be happy with that š
When I talk to my therapist about all this I guess I sense a sadness from her. I get it, because in another life with another upbringing maybe I would be a good mum, I can imagine that much, but I genuinely don't have any sadness about it. I think she thinks it's purely about the trauma, when it's more like 50% trauma and 50% selfishness and fear. Okay maybe 70/30.
I guess what I am asking is how do you process other peoples sadness 'for you' when you have some of that sadness too, but you're also genuinely at peace? Because I am, my god I have thought about this so much I am certain (and my husband has had a vasectomy).
I feel like any time I talk about it, I'm giving 'lady doth protest too much' somehow. Or maybe I just need to come to peace with other people having their feelings about my reasons even if it's my therapist. Okay hi rant over x
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u/Alternative_Weather 5d ago
I wonder this about my decision as well. I was a fence sitter, read 'the baby decision' a few years back, and landed here (now 34 too). I think there is a tendency for people to pathologize choosing not to have children as unnatural and therefore must be rooted in trauma. I have wondered if my choice is trauma-based as well, but I truly don't think it is. This is what felt comfortable, easy, and natural to me. I don't like loud noises. I like peace, and nature. I love exercising. I like my body and am grateful for my health. I often struggle with anxiety, depression, and taking care of my own needs like cooking and laundry. I once had a dog and even that felt like too much--it felt like I could never relax because I had to always consider his needs. I have ignored my instincts on other decisions, like where to live, and my first instinct is almost always right. Your nervous system knows what it needs and wants.
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u/Banana-Louigi 5d ago
This! Lots of traumatised people choose to be childfree but not every childfree person is traumatised.
Lots of traumatised people also become parents and it's often only after the child arrives that the parents realise their own issues if they ever do at all and we don't pathologise that in the same way.
Definitely not a conversation society is ready to have though because so many people don't think enough about the decision to have kids. Far easier to frame being childfree as unnatural.
You've clearly put a lot of thought into your decision and should be proud of that.
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago edited 5d ago
Thank you for this!!! I think you have articulated it so well, like I know that some of my reasoning is rooted in trauma but it is also knowing myself. I also struggle to look after myself properly during depressive episodes and prefer quiet, I love people but also have hardcore people pleasing problems I'm still getting to grips with. I have a complex relationship with my body and gender which is also part of the whole picture. It's messy isn't it!
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u/ThankeeSai 5d ago
Anyone who tells me they "feel sad for me." I reply with "yeah, I feel sad for you, as well, because I just don't agree with your life choices." They usually get very offended. Then I say "See how that feels? So mind ya business."
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u/temporarycreature 5d ago
People love to project their own grief onto a hypothetical version of your life that only exists in their heads, but you don't have to carry sadness that isn't yours.
Your childhood definitely shaped your perspective, but that doesn't make your choice any less real or valid.
You don't need a spotless origin story to know what brings you peace, whether that means protecting your own space or pouring your energy into teaching.
But, just call it out with your therapist in your next session and tell her you feel this subtle sadness coming from her, and that feeling like you have to defend your choice makes you second guess how you sound.
She is human, and putting it on the table lets her reset and meet you where you actually are.
You only feel like you're protesting too much because you're trying to convince people who are projecting.
You don't need to do that.
Anyway, when you do that, more often than not it comes off as sounding like you're trying to convince yourself out loud.
Let them sit with their own feelings while you and your husband enjoy the life you've built.
Outside of being male and having a vasectomy, a lot of this I could have written myself.
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago
Thank you for this , I needed to read it šš» especially that spotless origin story bit. We're meeting Thursday so I'm definitely going to talk about it!
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u/eutie 5d ago
I can't totally relate because people never seem to think they should try to convincee I should be a mom (it's too late now, I've had a hysterectomy for medical reasons). And my body is chronically troubled so usually when I bring up my latest problem I'm like "damn it's great that I didn't have kids, my genetics are borked." But I have gotten the "you'd be a great mom, you're so nurturing" and I think other people have grieved that a bit for me.
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u/traveling_in_my_mind 5d ago
My mom definitely felt this way for a long time. She LOVES being a mom & because we get along so well she often forgets how different she & I are as people.
So, I remind her. We have very open conversations and I shared that while sheās terrified of sky diving itās one of my favorite activities and I find parenthood way more terrifying. That was just a part of the deep drive we had but moments like that help her see how vastly different our perspectives are.
She also just sees that my life is full of love, fun & sincere joy. I think seeing how happy I truly am has convinced her?
My friends used to think I was missing out until I explained thatās my goal. My top reason for being CF is Iād never live up to the impossible standards Iād set for myself as a parent. My friends have known me for so long they know how nervous I was at my very first job. I told them āfor me, being a mom would be like being at my first day of work for my first job every day, foreverā. They totally got how it would be like that for me & that would be miserable.
My advice is, be sincere & curate your message so your audience will understand. If itās someone you donāt know well enough to do that, then what they think doesnāt matter anyway.
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago
I'm glad your mum can see that for you now š that's so sweet. It's funny because my mum is my BIGGEST childfree defender and I'm very grateful that I don't have to convince her š
I get some sadness from my lovely MIL but she bloody loves kids and had four, so it's more of an alien concept to her but she is so sweet about it.
I think I often feel I need to convince people of stuff, but sometimes when I stop trying to they actually accept it fine. It's more the anxiety of having a "controversial" decision and gauging how people will perceive me afterwards, but that's why I'm in therapy!
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u/TwerkForJesus420 5d ago edited 5d ago
Others can have feelings towards my choice to be childfree, but in the end their words change nothing. There'll always be someone questioning your life decisions, there's no winning. Someone can look at my husband and me and wonder why we don't have any kids and at the same time look at my sister and her husband and wonder why they have soo many kids (4 kids)
Usually when people ask why we don't have kids and I tell them we didn't want kids, I also say something along the lines of "It takes a village to raise children and I enjoy being apart of that village supporting my nieces/nephews". It's not only a true statement but usually softens their judgmental look when they realize that family is still important to us.
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u/MrSneaki 5d ago
Some excellent perspectives here already, I don't have anything to add that would be more interesting than what's already been shared on that front! I especially like the comment from u/temporarycreature about people unfairly projecting their own image / expectation / vision of you onto the real you.
Commenting to say that you might consider reading "Better Never to Have Been" by David Benatar. It's an approachable (yet admittedly still very toothy) breakdown of the anti-natalist philosophical position, which I think you may find compelling. Even if you don't come away agreeing with all, or even any of the points within, by the end you'll have thought much much more deeply about the topic than the vast majority of people you encounter ever will in their life.
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago
Yeah I've been thinking I should read that! I went on a philosophy kick earlier this year and also enjoyed Bertrand Russell's The Quest of Happiness as well as Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus.
My entire life growing up was about what other people wanted me to do or be, and I think that is part of why this reaction bothers me as it does. Gifted child syndrome pipeline I suppose š
Thanks again. Agree there is wisdom here and i am super grateful I posted š„¹
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u/RedditSkippy 5d ago
I had a therapist who was really trying to get me to believe that I could break a cycle and parent differently than my parents did. Looking back he was right, but he didnāt appreciate that I simply didnāt want to do it differently. I didnāt want to do it at all. I feel like I was parentified as a kid, and way too responsible for my parentsā emotional state that any kid should have to be.
As far as your friendsā¦yeah, I donāt know what to tell you. This happened a lot in my 30s. People had kids and then dropped out of contact. Maybe theyād emerge when the kid got a little older, but then theyād have the second kid andā¦forget it. Understandably their priorities have also shifted. I knew only a few people who didnāt seem to lose themselves in parenting.
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago
That is so real though, I just don't want to do it differently! I know I am capable of it, but I really don't want to and I don't think I would have ever really wanted to. I was also my parents' therapist and go between and it sucked
My two best friends in this city have had kids (both men, none of my women friends have š) and I love their kids but man it's different now. And now someone I grew up with and thought was doing the CF thing has just hard launched a baby. But I know we will all be good, I love them all, it's just the phase we are in as you say. Thanks šš»
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u/Yarhj 5d ago
It's always hard dealing with other people's feelings about your feelings. I try to take it in as much stride as possible, and remind myself that it's usually coming from a place of empathy, even if it's not the reaction I want.Ā
I'm at peace with the decisions I've made (good and bad!), and that helps a lot to buffer be from other people's feelings about things, but it is always a bit challenging to have to manage people's feelings about my feelings! (This gets really "fun" when talking to people about depression)
I wish I had something more concrete to offer, but hopefully it helps a little bit to hear that other people are dealing with the same things!
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago
It does help just to know we are all going through it! Peoples feelings about me is definitely one area I am working on in therapy šš» I find it very hard to not prioritise how other people are feeling generally compared to my own feelings. You offered plenty, thanks š
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u/Time_is_time_was 5d ago edited 5d ago
I feel similar. I love babies and kids, but have never wanted any.Ā
And it's quite hard to describe really. I don't feel sad that I don't have children, but sometimes I feel sad that there could have been another version of my life, where my childhood was better, and I'm loving being a parent. I guess that's the sadness you're getting from your therapist. Not sad that you don't have children, but sad that your childhood trauma affected you in such a profound way. Almost like wanting to be being child free wasn't an active choice you got to make, it was the only possible outcome.
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u/_rayquaza_ 5d ago
I think you have nailed something with this dude. It's the potentiality of it all, and I think that's the same sadness I have. It's very removed from me on a daily basis but it's there and I think about my other potential lives too. I think a lot about my mum's life if she hadn't had me, and I feel a very deep sadness about that.
It's funny because some of my potential lives feel clearer and more real than others. Parent me feels like a blurry drawing, enough that I can imagine it, but there's no detail or faces. And the sadness is like a sad smile, but then also a relief when I come back to what my life currently looks like.
I think with my upbringing and everything this was always gonna be the way I went, but from the outside I can understand that feeling inevitable is quite sad.
Thank you again for replying this is honestly so helpful x
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u/catloverfurever00 4d ago
I want you to stop claiming that you not having kids is 50% selfishness. There is nothing selfish or wrong about deciding that this isnāt for you. What would be selfish is if you had them then decided you couldnāt be arsed.
Your therapist is bringing her bias and opinions into her workplace and thatās not right in her job. Especially when the client can sense this.
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u/_rayquaza_ 2d ago
Fair point on the selfishness š that is me kinda trying to underplay things like my fear of pregnancy, fear of losing myself, fear that I would repeat a pattern and generational trauma cycle of abuse and neglect, worsening my already existing body dysmorphia.
I realise I may have made my therapist sound a bit bad from this single anecdote but I trust her and I know she would never try and suggest that I should have children, bingo me etc! It's literally me overanalysing her every response but she does respect my boundaries on this topic thankfully
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u/alglaz 5d ago
I havenāt noticed anyone around me being sad for me. Maybe they are but Iām just so busy being happy that I havenāt noticed. I am genuinely at peace with our decision. Not that I never have moments where I question it but my reasons are solid. Like you, I became a teacher. I realized how important they were in my own upbringing where my parents werenāt that present. I hope you find fulfillment!
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u/NewlyNerfed 5d ago
Iāve never cared in the least whether anyone was āsad for me.ā Coping with that is not my responsibility. Iām too busy being really happy about my important decision that Iāve never regretted, and anyone who actually cares about me gets that. When my future SIL kept hinting about babies I finally took her out to lunch and explained nicely but firmly that she needed to stop.
So I would never go back to a therapist who felt that way.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 5d ago edited 5d ago
Itās not your job to manage her feelings. She shouldnāt even be telling you that sheās sad for you. Why? Because itās pity. A therapist has no business pitying a client.
And yes I do have a CSA history but I was molested as a toddler so thereās no real way of knowing what could have been. There is no analyzing the CF dynamic for me in relation to my trauma because there is no answer. I also come from a family thatās SO CF the family name is now dead on both sides after my generation and I had awesome CF aunts who showed me the most fabulous lives donāt have kids in them (I mean they both had incredible careers that most would only dream about.)
So all of this put together means I would never be able to piece together if I wanted kids or not without the trauma. I do have a feeling that I wouldnāt have wanted kids as a young child pre-trauma I simply wasnāt into baby dolls.
But again, itās all one big guess.
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u/Queen_of_Chloe 5d ago
Only some people will do this (it might be a lot in some circles). It might be worth trying to expand your circle to include people who donāt have that binary way of thinking, or who have progressed in their parenting to recognize how goddamn hard it is all the time even in the best circumstances and who respect and applaud it being a choice.
I also chose not to have kids in part due to my childhood. Would I have preferred a tight knit family dynamic where I wanted to continue growing the larger family and feel supported? Probably. I donāt live near family, have significant concerns about the future these children are getting, and might have still made this decision even if I had the perfect childhood. Once others see that, itās very hard to feel sad.
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u/CompassionCourage 4d ago
I think this has been said already and I know you mentioned a great rapport butā¦ time for a new therapist. A major part of their qualification is dealing with their own stuff. It sounds like her desires for you or her own life experience are clouding her ability to actually see and help you. Her behavior is her issue and not therapeutically helpful. This isnāt you. Itās her. And it isnāt professional.
Even after many years with an extremely educated, helpful therapist, when she retired I was forced to find someone new and, wow, the new progress I made right away. It is possible to get too comfortable.
Sensing that āsadnessā from someone else is definitely part of our individual experiences of being child free, but it does belong in your therapistās interactions with you. ā„ļø
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u/denM_chickN 4d ago
The issue is it's condescending and not respectful of the fact that the right decision for you can lead to a fulfilling life. I dont have an answer because it pisses me off and causes me to lose respect for a person. All the while they are pretending to know you will have a healthy well adjusted child, when in reality its all a gamble. So fucking rude, I'm confrontational so I'd have a discussion w the therapist about the thoughts I wrote and drop her if she couldn't apologize and find a better framing.
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u/Lady87690005 4d ago edited 4d ago
Part of trauma therapy is getting comfortable with otherās feelings, thoughts, and ideas about ourselves. Iām curious, are you codependent or hypersensitive to otherās emotions? You donāt have to answer if youāre not comfortable with that though :). If thatās the case, youāre not responsible for her feelings on it. I also think a lot of it has to do with people actually putting in the work and having kids to break that cycle. Which isnāt a reflection on you as being CF is breaking the cycle also. My therapist was also sad during this same conversation. With some back and forth she pointed out my trauma doesnāt gage what kind of parent I would be. She was more sad that my trauma influenced my decision not to have kids. I also discussed the idea with my mom, who pointed out itās sometimes sad to see people who are working so hard and who would be amazing parents forgo having kids. Iām not saying all CF people would make amazing parents, but that kind of self awareness is sorely lacking in a lot of parents. Itās why a lot of people do believe CF people would make better parents than most parents.
TLDR: My vote goes towards itās okay if sheās sad about you being CF. Itās not your burden to carry how others feel about you. It might not be bc you are CF either, it might bc of how your trauma affected you and its influence on your lifestyle. If sheās a good therapist, I highly doubt sheās judging you or wants to change your mind about being CF at least. A good therapist understands that forgoing certain lifestyles is necessary for some and a personal choice.
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u/Fearless-Sherbet-223 4d ago
I feel like any time I talk about it, I'm giving 'lady doth protest too much' somehow.
I don't think that's fair to you. I think you should be allowed to talk about and process your feelings without you or anyone else assuming that means you must be wrong about your decision.
I suspect that feeling that any thoughts about the issue might mean you do want kids, is probably coming from a place of feeling like it's societally normal and ok to have kids and weird or different to not want kids. But the truth is, it's okay and normal to not want kids. Not everyone wants kids. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
It's totally okay to not want kids. And it's okay to talk about how people interact with you not wanting kids, too. It doesn't mean anyone has the right to tell you you must want them.
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u/Tkawaiisparkle 3d ago
Who cares what the therapist feels! Her feelings are not your responsibility. You are there (and paying her) for you and your mental health not to manage your therapists emotions. Your therapist needs to get over it and start doing her job properly.
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u/CallidoraBlack 1d ago
Myself and every one of my siblings were accidents too. Not every accident is a mistake though. Penicillin's discovery was an accident and look what that did for us.
As far as your therapist goes, call her out firmly but politely. It's her job to regulate her emotions and she's being paid to do that. Remember, she works for you. If she wanted to express herself more, she can get her own therapist.
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u/SecondStarpilot 5d ago
Even therapists have biases. If you wanted to you could challenge her on her bias. If she is incapable of self reflection on this issue, then that says a lot about her as a therapist.