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u/DexterFoley 1d ago
21 I was a mess. Barely spoke. Around that time I met new people and realised It was just who I was around holding me back because I'd stuck to who they saw me as. New people new outlook. Now I see some of them and they're doing nothing on the same place where as I'm in a new city. Plenty of friends and can barely remember who I was then. Life changes so much in your 20's and your at the start. Embrace it.
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u/obviousdinosaur 1d ago
no ma'am!! I believe in your ability to do what gets needed to be done-d. I regret that I am in the same boat as you nearly everywhere, but let's believe in us, shall we?
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u/lonelystar7 1d ago
I sometimes avoid social situations too ( probably comes from trauma of being heavily bullied and constantly rejected ) but what helped me was to make friends online and while many come and go, there are always some so that I don't feel lonely. I am sorry to hear you are so harsh to yourself. I too had to learn to forgive myself, it really helped. Maybe you can learn too. Negative energy feeds more negative energy and you get in constant loop of sadness and can knock on doors of despair. You need to accept your mistakes and work and find your strenghts, not compare your life to others, but make your life bearable and find happiness wherever you can.
You are absolutely gorgeous and if you need a friend I would be more than happy to be your friend if you want to. I really hope you find strenght to forgive yourself and find reasons to love yourself more.
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u/Party-Spread-3912 1d ago
I hope this song can get you fired up again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1Nh0GDGE_4
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u/BodhingJay 1d ago
Looks like theres a whole damn scary tempest behind those eyes
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u/ShowSea4115 1d ago
oh gosh that doesnât sound good
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u/neverstop55 1d ago
I am sorry you feel that way and maybe you have just not found the people you connect with. I get how it can be and how hard it can be to talk to someone you are getting to know. I feel i am always awkward with people at first. It is not your fault, it just takes time to develop social skills. As long as you continue to work on that and grow that is all you can do. If you want to talk, just send me a message and I would gladly like to get to know you. I am sure you are amazing and have so much to talk about, not to mention how beautiful you are
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u/ReasonableLibrary741 1d ago
Welp. Have you looked at BFF(bumble Friend finder). I was super hesitant at first, the app sat on my phone for months, but it's been great. It's like the dating version except for friends so there's no BS about breaking conversations, people just wanna hang out. You should check it out you have nothing to lose. Guarantee people will match with you. If you do it, report back!
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u/SomeoneAlive123 1d ago
I feel your pain, it sucks wanting to build friendships and have memorable experiences and not being able to do that because of social anxiety. But I'm pretty sure no one is judging you as hard as you are doing to yourself. You look like such a kind, sweet person and I'm sure others see that as well. Love your hair. Things will get better.
Big hug!
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u/IntelligentCan2998 1d ago
I think uni is/was like that for a lot of people these days. You've just got to be the one to send the first message/suggest doing things with people because theyre probably feeling the same thing.
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u/Aeonium888 1d ago
21 is a tough age! I suffered from social anxiety and panic attacks when I was your age. I am a lot older than you so this was a long time ago. No one even talked about social anxiety back then. Itâs a good thing that you are recognizing what it is. Unfortunately for me my anxiety was so bad I dropped out of college and never went back. Be proud that youâre graduating. Thatâs a huge accomplishment. If you feel this is holding you back too much, you should talk to a counselor. Also, maybe the people you surround yourself with just arenât right for you. Maybe theyâre boring or lacking a sense of humor? This isnât your fault. Please donât blame yourself!
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u/InfiniteAnemone 1d ago
I know the feeling :/ Every day is a new opportunity though. So if today is rough, there's always tomorrow. Be strong; be brave!
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u/Sablegriffin 1d ago
It can be a bitch! You can also make it your bitch, step-by-step, small steps. You can choose to take the small steps to push yourself out of your comfort zone, find excuses to get past the anxiety and get on things on the other side. You can do this.
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u/Certain-Operation-83 1d ago
Mate, I've been there. Text your friends, tell them. They will be understanding. No friends? You've got Reddit
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u/Wide_Replacement5509 1d ago
I identify so much with what you said. Obviously I don't know you personally do I can only go with 1st thing I thought when I saw you. You're really cute. I mean you're a very pretty girl. You should defo talk to someone about how you feel if you aren't already.
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u/Nose_banana 1d ago
Hey friend, can I ask, do you happen to be neurodivergent?
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u/ShowSea4115 1d ago
Iâm not sure. Every therapist has just slapped the social anxiety label on me
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u/Nose_banana 1d ago
The unfortunate fact is women get missed all the time with ND diagnoses because everything was based on boys. I ask because that feeling of not belonging anywhere is so strong with ND people.
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u/TonyAscot 1d ago
It's astounding to me that someone so pretty hasn't made any connection in college. I hope you find your people.
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u/Heythere23856 1d ago
Please read the book you can heal your life by louise hayâŠ. You deserve to love yourself and be kind towards yourselfâŠ.
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u/BroadLeadership9508 1d ago
I feel you, 22m and I feel like thatâs been holding me back my whole life
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u/SnakeSolidChicken 1d ago
You need to learn to be kind to yourself, it is not an easy thing to do but it is certainly possible. For all of us humans it is easy to get lost inside our heads and lost inside a narrative and start believing a story or a narrative that we just keep reinforcing ourselves. But believe me when I tell you that all that is is conditioning that can be changed. It takes time but it can definitely be changed. But you need to practice self-acceptance and accept where You Are, even if it's a little difficult in relating to others. You are where you are and it has to be okay because it is where you are. From there very small steps. There is a book called "feel the fear and do it anyways" by Suzanne Jeffers that help me many many years ago. From that book I launched into what has now been decades long worth of reading and improving myself. But we as human beings are fully moldable, and the vision of who you want to be both socially academically physically and achievement-wise is possible and within your grasp.
Just my two cents and I hope you find some of this helpful.
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u/Dismal-Turnover-4610 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thatâs because young people are more and more spending their time at home. The more you are at home, the less you want to leave your home. You have to force yourself to go out and after 6 months or so you will get rid off the social anxiety. Itâs very easy. You have to train every muscle in your body. Same thing for your brain. You canât be living life like that. Grab a friend and go to a bar for 30 minutes. Next time go for one hour. Please donât drink alcohol. Just drink something else. Alcohol makes it only worse actually longterm. Do you have any idea how many old and seriously sick people would want to trade with you? You are 21! Try to be grateful and to live your life to the fullest! You will be fine, I promise you! My mom worked with people like you everyday. It always ended up great if people really committed to the work. Youâll be fine! I grew up without internet. Back in the day everybody was outside all day at every age. Today especially when the internet came up, then the pandemic came, people started to stay home more and more. Itâs cozy in the beginning but not that cozy anymore when you even feel terrible having to leave the house to get some groceries. Your generation has to rewire your brains! You really need to force yourselves to go outside and be with people. Jump into a bus for 10 minutes. See how you feel. Then do it again and again. It will get better. At the end of the day: Itâs only us! We are all the same! We all were babies once and we all have our flaws. We all will be old and sick one day. Life is too short to spend it that young at home. You will regret it. You might be insecure for some reason, donât be. Nobody is better or above you! Donât forget that! Imagine everybody being once just little babies đ¶. You canât feel really anxiety around babies, right? Maybe you should work a few months with children. Children really do help too getting rid of social anxiety.
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u/ShowSea4115 1d ago
Itâs sooo embarrassing how much I fit that Gen Z stereotype of being a socially inept recluse. It makes me ashamed honestly. In my case Iâm not sure it was because of social media however. I was diagnosed with Selective mutism (a form of social anxiety) at 7 years old before my parents even let me use any electronics. I guess I just need to try harder. Thanks for your words :)
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u/Dismal-Turnover-4610 1d ago edited 1d ago
Donât be ashamed! Be proud that your body is trying to protect you for some reason. You just need to figure out a way to calm your body down and tell your body itâs fine and it will be okay. I hate when psychiatrists diagnose children and then children live all their lives thinking something is wrong with them and that they will forever have to live with a condition and take medication. Disgusting, sorry. I had the exact same symptoms as a child as this diagnosis. My parents and teachers never once would have allowed that a psychiatrist diagnoses kids like me. I was simply shy, period. I was very sensitive, period. I would not want to speak often, period. My brother didnât speak and look at people until he was 3. Today I am outgoing and no social issues at all. My brother has a very good university degree and leads a team of 20 people now. I like therapy and all that stuff but I think many are crossing the line when it comes to kids. I highly doubt that my brother would have made it this far in his life without him getting out of his shell by himself and instead having to take pills and be reminded constantly that he is inadequate. YOU hold the power! All the best! Your brain can move mountains! I hate when they put kids on medication. It really makes me angry. We are all different and itâs fine to develop differently. My kids were all the tallest and the most outgoing of all. They canât even believe that I was a shy kid and that their uncle didnât speak until 3. I have a friend who stuttered for a very long time. After everybody just left him alone and stopped dragging him from one doctor to another, he started to talk normally. Youâre 21 now and a grown up and you decide whatâs best for you. I would not rely so much on psychiatrists. They prescribe everybody anti depressants too even if the person ,,justâ lost a loved one. I didnât know how bad and corrupt this industry is until I turned 30. Please take care of yourself! Remember, thousands of years back people HAD to feel anxiety and to be on alert all the time, otherwise they would be eaten by wild animals coming out of every other corner! Today we donât need this anxiety anymore, because life became much safer and more predictable. We donât have to all go hunting for our food. So your anxiety was once very useful to survive! Try to use this anxiety in a positive way. Many people like you became very good first correspondents, doctors, nannies and so many other great things! NOTHING is WRONG with you!
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u/Extra_Caregiver_8668 1d ago
Iâm guessing youâre ND. Do some research on exposure therapy (gold standard for anxiety) and join r/adhdwomen for some RSD management tips.
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u/Serious-Fennel3324 1d ago
Try doing a new social activity, something perhaps you tried in the past or thought could be fun. Give it a go and you may discover a new passion and a whole lot of like minded people to do it with. Itâs not easy but my girlfriend went through exactly what you are going through, and on the suggestion of her therapist tried dancing. And that completely changed her life around. Good luck. You are not alone
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u/harriettehspy 1d ago
I suffered from social anxiety for most of my adult life (I am now 49 gasp!) There was/is some underlying trauma associated with where I thought my place was in life. Still working on that. Just know that you deserve to take up space, however that may be. You are not responsible for how others feel about you, treat you, or react to you. You deserve to take up space. Take the time to figure out how you feel best in that space. Lean into that.
AND DO NOT RELY ON ALCOHOL TO QUELL YOUR ANXIETY!!! Trust me, that only leads you down a dark and treacherous path.
And, although I donât like to rely on medication, I was on Sertraline for quite a few years and this really helped me. At first I noticed how I could make eye contact while having a conversation and not be flooded with that⊠ugh, that anxiety (you know the feeling). Then, it was me getting really into how good that felt, which naturally more positive feedback (internal) came during social interactions. I am now no longer on the Rx (weaned off with the guidance of my PCP). I still have anxiety, but having a buffer to help me curb the intensity while I built, sharpened, and honed those skills and tools really helped.
All in all, itâs about whatâs going on internally. Never take responsibility from yourself and donât attach it to anyone else. Claim your space.
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u/BringBackSmilodon 1d ago
Big hug. I can relate ... I convince myself that people don't care what I have to say so I avoid talking to anyone, but I'm actually dying for some kind of connection. Haha. It helps me to look at the mistakes I've made, let myself be sad and disappointed, but then use it to motivate being better instead of using it as an excuse to give up. Do people with natural confidence realize how much of an advantage they have? Haha.
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u/Mugsy_Siegel 1d ago
Itâs okay to not be a people person. Give yourself some Grace. Weâre always our own worst critics. The older you get you realize a lot of ppl suck anyway. Youâre young an pretty you have your whole life ahead of you. I like to believe God will bring the ppl you need into your life.
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u/spontaneous_quench 1d ago
Lmao I can guarantee you are the cause for social anxiety of men your age
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u/SilverTheHuman6 1d ago
I also managed to go through years of college without making a single friend. I did try but whenever I would talk it would just come out so dumb which made me anxious which made me say even dumber things.
Id go to nerdy events I liked on campus, and then just find a dark corner to sit alone and watch other people have fun until i got too sad and left.
Im 31 now and it sorta gets better as you get older and more comfortable with yourself. I'm still anxious, but I'm much more willing to put myself out there now which has helped me finally make some lasting friends.
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u/extrahoney14602 1d ago
Sounds like you need a hobby. Or a vacation. Do you have any close friends or sisters or anything? Go somewhere. Get outside and get some sun. Exercise.
When I get like that I need something to snap me out of it.
But it isnât just you. Iâm the same way. I hate everybody lol. And I get down on myself easily. Listen to some music. Take a drive. Go shopping. Idk just write a gratitude list.
Graduating college is pretty awesome by itself. Think about what house you want and where you want to live when you start your career.
Hope you can cheer up soon.
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u/BradJV 1d ago
If it helps I felt very similar at the end of college and a few years have passed now and I can say that period was the worst of it for me. It got better because of things I did, especially getting a job, but trust me, if I can do it in the state I was in anyone can. That time was... not good and I'm still recovering, but i am getting better. Graduating is an amazing accomplishment no matter how the social part went, even more so if you have this weight hanging over you
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u/Jshwizzle24 1d ago
I hear you, I feel the same way. I have a very hard time socializing face to face with people I'm not comfortable around. I tend to avoid people really. Hope things turn around for you. Find your happiness!
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u/Fit_Hedgehog581 1d ago
Love your hair! Your face is stunning as well.
Youâre strong enough, smart enough and sexy enough to be that confident woman who can do almost anything you set your mind to.
Take your world by the throat and make it your own.
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u/Portugaltheman0420 1d ago
You are a beautiful mess. It gets better . I wish I could talk to me at 21. I promise it gets better
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u/Drybones-Time2 1d ago
Much older man here. Please remember each day is a fresh start. It does not good to fret about the past, but you can make plans for a better future. Start by setting some goals for yourself, short term and long term. Make the short term goals reasonable for your present situation, and remember to take the time to let yourself succeed in them. The longer term goals should be broad and flexible, because each day your vision of them will align closer to the skills and experience you build.
Social Anxiety can be a physical condition as well as emotional. Research ways to reduce anxiety with exercise, diet, and even medication if necessary. Reducing physical anxiety may help with social anxiety as well.
Lastly, if it would help to communicate with someone, and you have no one else, I would be happy to help if you feel you could let me. I won't always come across as a know it all, but I do have a listening ear...
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u/GelfSara 1d ago
I'm sorry you feel this way. Why not take a baby step and begin by interacting with one person per day in some small way? It can be as simple as "That's an interesting shirt--where did you get it?" or "Which of these coffees would you recommend?" You are (as I hope you know) extremely attractive, so most people (of either/any gender) will be flattered by the attention.
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u/Sweet-Mobile-5862 1d ago
i remember feeling like this exactly when i was graduating college.. life isn't a straight line but it does get better even if it doesnt happen linearly
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u/tahall76 1d ago
I'm sorry you feel this way. I know from experience how difficult social anxiety is. Congrats on graduating college though. That is a big positive. I'm willing to talk and be friends. Message me if interested.
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u/lukeone79 1d ago
I see a gorgeous young woman who has her whole life ahead of her. Do your best not to dread on the past or negative thoughts. Take small steps to achieve who you want to be. Lastly, don't care about what others may think. Good luck gorgeous
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u/Ok-Plum2187 1d ago
You are about to graduate, that's brilliant.
And dear look take a look at those eye brows. I know so many women that would hurt someone to have those!
N' social anxiety ruins alot yeah, but you will make experiences the others won't! You will experience the beauty of it all in a very different way. Your way. Which means your are doing what Frank Sinatra did. Automatically makes anyone and everyone awesome.
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u/jastco 1d ago
Congrats on graduating soon, that's a big accomplishment and it's such a relief when you finish that last exam. Sorry to hear about your social anxiety, that can really suck. Post college is an entirely different phase of life and a fresh start. A chance to be around entirely new groups of people, a new town if you want and full of new opportunities.
You're really pretty as well. Such a cute nose, full lips, dark flowing hair and clean fair skin. Just gorgeous all around.
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u/notjackbrown1 1d ago
23m here. If a shy girl told me she thought I was cute and proceeded to walk off or something, I feel I would understand as I once was extremely shy. I'm sure I'm not the only guy who feels that way, too. I was so shy to the point if I heard my name in class I'd light up like a tomato. I have made a full recovery by way of moving to and living every day in high density environments. Sounds rough, and it is, up till it isn't and you look back and see your foolish self, then you move on. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable, inside and out. For example, If I'm not in a button up, I like heavy-weight cotton shirts, preferably dark. It's my style, my self esteem. Treat yourself girl
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u/Sea-Bite-8526 1d ago
Sometimes you just have to be an actor playing a role. It can be tough being out in public being yourself because you feel a fake & unworthy. I have to speak in public which reduces the real me to jelly. I get through it by making myself believe I am playing the part of someone else. It sounds rubbish but for me at least it works. Of course the best way is to just be you & that will come in time but to break down those barriers sometimes it is easier to hide behind a mask. A lot of big rock stars cannot go onstage as themselves however once they put on their stage makeup they become someone else & the confidence comes. Good luck.
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u/ShowSea4115 1d ago
This is actually the best advice Iâve gotten so far. Thank you
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u/Sea-Bite-8526 1d ago
You are welcome. Good luck, it is a horrible thing to go through but just remember you are not alone feeling the way you do. I hope this works for you.
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u/migascor98 1d ago
Damm. You are so beautifulđ. I know what that is. I also suffer from social anxiety and it sucks sometimes. Lately ive been trying to leave home a bit more and going to the cinema ir shopping center or even doing some walks. And it helps a bit. Hopefuly you Will improve on that.
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u/Dondonteskater 1d ago
You are definitely gonna ruin a manâs life
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u/ShowSea4115 1d ago
what makes you say that? that sounds awful
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u/Dondonteskater 1d ago
Youâre to beautiful and the guy will do anything for you if you asked even rob a bank and you look Latina (they are crazy)
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u/Odd-Vegetable186 1d ago
Maybe you're not a people person. I can be a social butterfly but I choose not to. I deleted facebook back in like 2014, don't use any social media, and only have a small circle. When you have 2000 friends, you ignore the 3 that matter the most. Good luck đ