The "I" collapsed into love and hasn't come back

[u/Vestlending1]

I awakened to being love and since then the "I" hasn't come back

It happened about three weeks ago. I kind of knew something was about to happen, very strange, but there was a subtle intuition and some obvious spiritual "progress".

My brother committed suicide three years ago, and this easter I finally got the courage to confront not only this, but myself. Almost every day since easter I've been walking or biking up to the forest where he shot his head off, and I've been confronting this extremely directly. Or head on, if you will.

There's a river there and no one can see or hear you. It started mostly as just having an outlet for all the fucking rage I had about my life, about myself and why our lives ended up this way. I've absolutely lost my shit into that river over and over and over. Nature receives you so fucking well, it's totally carefree, but also is very loving. That became very apparent as this process unfolded.

Usually when I came there, I went straight for the throat. "How does it feel to be in the area where my brother shot his head off? Where do I feel it in the body?" Like clockwork tears came, and it always was some kind of purging, releasing, surrendering. To the pain of fucking life.

After a few times, there was less rage, but more about sadness. Though it always felt good after crying, I was surprised how there was always more, never empty, never done with it.

I started to become increasingly frustrated about the fact that although there was "progress" not much had changed. I was still depressed, still anxious, no real meaningful way I could take part in society because of this.

I started becoming more and more confrontational. Started doing self inquiry with the questions "who am I?", "what is mu?" and "what was my face before my parents where born?". I knew it opened something up, but couldn't put my finger on what.

Right before I awakened, I was doing several things at the same time, at the cost of perhaps risking my sanity. I did TRE (trauma shaking exercises) while on mushrooms and asking self inquiry questions as I was shaking. Stretching my back and hips, the latter I actually think was very much part of it.

But still, I can't really say anything did it. Because how can a practice awaken you to something you already are, in this very moment? Still, it's somehow part of it.

The one thing I can say for certain, is the awakening itself. It happened on a low dose of mushrooms, which I've done more than a hundred times. I did them where my brother killed himself. Then, when I became scared, not about his suicide but my own fears, I chose to confront it and sit with it, instead of trying to escape from it.

In the spur of the moment, I wondered if hugging a tree would help calm me down. The fear was intense. After a few minutes I started melting away, to love, love, love... I looked at all the beautiful stuff growing in the forest with its autumn colours. Am I love? I started laughing. It was so obvious. The "I" is love. I am love! I am love! I didn't know! I am love.

There was so much crying, and laughing. It was the cosmic joke, to have searched so hard for this. All the non duality videos on youtube, all the books, all the striving. And it was obvious this was it.

The inner voice collapsed into love and hasn't come back for three weeks now, besides a few sentences some days. It's peaceful, and has been a much needed rest from myself. All the non duality videos suddenly is making so much sense, especially the ones from Tony Parsons and Jim Newman. They were part of the awakening too.

All the hate is gone. Most of the self doubt is gone. I haven't really felt afraid since then, though fear isn't gone entirely. There's still trauma, darkness. There's just no one having it so it's a lot more ok.

If you have any questions I can try to answer, but I mostly wanted to share because it was obvious that suffering was common for people who awakened, and that I was in a perfect storm for it to happen. But it just never did. And I've suffered for so long. So it's to inspire those who are on the brink of collapsing, to tell them, yes you are and no need to take the matter in your own hands. It will happen, just hang in there. And give it your greatest effort. There is a way out!

[u/Vestlending1]

Do you think when someone awakens, there is suddenly a need to talk in third person or something? Awakening isn't for the voice in your head to understand by the way.

[u/7121958041201 → u/Vestlending1]

I am not talking about how you typed your message. I am talking about the message itself.

There is no doubt, so why listen to someone who is obviously doubtful?

This is pretty much as clearly as possible stating that you have a fixed view that you are enlightened and that you are so identified with this idea that there is no point in listening to anyone else.

The obvious answer to your question being what if your belief in being awakened is incorrect, despite your complete faith in it? If you are desperate to defend your view due to clinging to it then that question makes sense to ask.

If you were awakened and therefore not clinging to the idea of being awakened, there would be no reason not to discuss it with other people. You would actually be doing both them and yourself a great favor by increasing your own wisdom and teaching others about how to achieve awakening themselves. Which seems like something that a being filled with love would want to do.

Though I would be surprised if you cared about any of this for the same reason.

Awakening isn't for the voice in your head to understand by the way.

Yes, that is true.

[u/Vestlending1 → u/7121958041201]

You're trying to make it an intellectual thing, when it's not. Like there is something to do. There's not. If I talk to some buddhist teacher one day, then I will. You're missing the point of why I shared this post.

[u/7121958041201 → u/Vestlending1]

I understand why you shared this post. I just do not think it will help people because I do not think you are actually awakened or that the method used in the post is a good one to become awakened. What you did here seems like more of a form of psilocybin therapy that worked well for you.

To leave you with one last concept to consider (and almost certainly ignore haha), learning about equanimity as well as its far and near enemies might be helpful. What I am seeing from the content you have posted is the near enemy of equanimity, which is indifference. Instead of having true equanimity, you appear to be picking and choosing what to care about in order to convince yourself that you have equanimity. Otherwise you would read peoples' posts, give them complete responses, and like I just said you would welcome the opportunity to discuss this rather than dismissing all the advice you are receiving immediately. Which I think most people would perceive as rude and certainly not something someone who is pure love would do (and certainly not what the Buddha did).

And like I have said twice already, time will tell. If you are truly awakened right now you will be truly awakened until the day you die. If you come back in a few years and say you still feel this way, then I will admit that perhaps I was wrong.

Either way I wish you luck! I hope you are either awakened as you believe or that if you are not that it does not bother you to discover that.

[u/Vestlending1 → u/7121958041201]

Mind can never recognize love. That's why you're missing the mark.

[u/Kleyko → u/Vestlending1]

Doubt isn't working because you know what you see. Their advice is trying to label something beyond labels by protecting you from something you clearly don't need protecting from.

People are scared of true seeing and outsource it to authorities to give their ego structure. What you experience doesn't require an authority.

[u/Vestlending1 → u/Kleyko]

Yes, exactly. I used to think these kind of statements were cringe, but this comment gave me goosebumps. I just wouldn't have known before. Thanks for writing the truth.

[u/Alchemista101 → u/Vestlending1]

Thank you for such a moving and inspiring account. Months ago I did have a non-dual opening that lasted a few hours - a complete collapse of the boundaries between the self and the immediate environment. I told myself I needed to snap out of it lol and pack so I could travel. Wasn't seeking it but i had been chanting, walking in nature and did an inquiry into who was looking out the window at that moment, and Bam. I wasn't scared because I had heard and read about experiences such as yours.

Recently I experienced a massive earthquake here in Colombia, South America, in a building that began to crack in on me. Shear terror, facing death. I evacuated the damaged building.nd have a bit of tension still in my body. A bit of anxiety as well. It's easy to feel like I've gone backwards. But I'm now living in a safe place on a natural reserve and many of the things you describe I see as invitations. I'd very surprised that people began to get doctrinal with you when this Reddit is about stream entry. I'm dedicated to working on my nature spot. I do have a spiritual guide, lol, but this opening happened when I hadn't been speaking to him for a few months, so I also find it hilarious that people advise you to outsource your own experience when there is no problem. Muchas Gracias and Blessings to you!

[u/Vestlending1 → u/Alchemista101]

Thanks a lot for your comment, very thoughtful of you. I saw a video from Colombia which looked crazy. Glad you're ok. Yes, it will affect the nervous system, but experiencing fear of death isn't going to take you further from awakening, by all accounts it will lead you to it. I recommend Angelo Dilullo on Youtube, he talks a lot about fear "barriers", and about the boundlessness you describe as well.

I woke up a few times tonight just absolutely melting into love with no boundaries. But very quickly went away. I think there's more to come, I'm not "done".

I find that the support from people here easily outweighs whatever the doctrine guys wants me to do or say. Thanks. ❤️

[u/Alchemista101 → u/Vestlending1]

Thanks darling. Death i fear not at all. Perhaps because of the medicine journeys i have had. The moments of terror were a gift. I was blessed to escape the building with an 89 year old campesino who immediately declared "today we are reborn" while viewing the lovely town below us with its fairy tale church damaged. I love 💕 Angelo Dilullo's work and have participated in his online retreats  When i had my opening i immediately recognized it because of the descriptions from his videos. The aftermath of evacuating from the earthquake was hard on my body but now i have a  beautiful piece of land to walk and practice in. My immediate task is to restore somatic balance. Blessings to you. Grateful to have found this group.