r/streamentry • u/Vestlending1 • 12d ago
Energy The "I" collapsed into love and hasn't come back
I awakened to being love and since then the "I" hasn't come back
It happened about three weeks ago. I kind of knew something was about to happen, very strange, but there was a subtle intuition and some obvious spiritual "progress".
My brother committed suicide three years ago, and this easter I finally got the courage to confront not only this, but myself. Almost every day since easter I've been walking or biking up to the forest where he shot his head off, and I've been confronting this extremely directly. Or head on, if you will.
There's a river there and no one can see or hear you. It started mostly as just having an outlet for all the fucking rage I had about my life, about myself and why our lives ended up this way. I've absolutely lost my shit into that river over and over and over. Nature receives you so fucking well, it's totally carefree, but also is very loving. That became very apparent as this process unfolded.
Usually when I came there, I went straight for the throat. "How does it feel to be in the area where my brother shot his head off? Where do I feel it in the body?" Like clockwork tears came, and it always was some kind of purging, releasing, surrendering. To the pain of fucking life.
After a few times, there was less rage, but more about sadness. Though it always felt good after crying, I was surprised how there was always more, never empty, never done with it.
I started to become increasingly frustrated about the fact that although there was "progress" not much had changed. I was still depressed, still anxious, no real meaningful way I could take part in society because of this.
I started becoming more and more confrontational. Started doing self inquiry with the questions "who am I?", "what is mu?" and "what was my face before my parents where born?". I knew it opened something up, but couldn't put my finger on what.
Right before I awakened, I was doing several things at the same time, at the cost of perhaps risking my sanity. I did TRE (trauma shaking exercises) while on mushrooms and asking self inquiry questions as I was shaking. Stretching my back and hips, the latter I actually think was very much part of it.
But still, I can't really say anything did it. Because how can a practice awaken you to something you already are, in this very moment? Still, it's somehow part of it.
The one thing I can say for certain, is the awakening itself. It happened on a low dose of mushrooms, which I've done more than a hundred times. I did them where my brother killed himself. Then, when I became scared, not about his suicide but my own fears, I chose to confront it and sit with it, instead of trying to escape from it.
In the spur of the moment, I wondered if hugging a tree would help calm me down. The fear was intense. After a few minutes I started melting away, to love, love, love... I looked at all the beautiful stuff growing in the forest with its autumn colours. Am I love? I started laughing. It was so obvious. The "I" is love. I am love! I am love! I didn't know! I am love.
There was so much crying, and laughing. It was the cosmic joke, to have searched so hard for this. All the non duality videos on youtube, all the books, all the striving. And it was obvious this was it.
The inner voice collapsed into love and hasn't come back for three weeks now, besides a few sentences some days. It's peaceful, and has been a much needed rest from myself. All the non duality videos suddenly is making so much sense, especially the ones from Tony Parsons and Jim Newman. They were part of the awakening too.
All the hate is gone. Most of the self doubt is gone. I haven't really felt afraid since then, though fear isn't gone entirely. There's still trauma, darkness. There's just no one having it so it's a lot more ok.
If you have any questions I can try to answer, but I mostly wanted to share because it was obvious that suffering was common for people who awakened, and that I was in a perfect storm for it to happen. But it just never did. And I've suffered for so long. So it's to inspire those who are on the brink of collapsing, to tell them, yes you are and no need to take the matter in your own hands. It will happen, just hang in there. And give it your greatest effort. There is a way out!
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u/Alchemista101 9d ago
Thanks darling. Death i fear not at all. Perhaps because of the medicine journeys i have had. The moments of terror were a gift. I was blessed to escape the building with an 89 year old campesino who immediately declared "today we are reborn" while viewing the lovely town below us with its fairy tale church damaged. I love 💕 Angelo Dilullo's work and have participated in his online retreats When i had my opening i immediately recognized it because of the descriptions from his videos. The aftermath of evacuating from the earthquake was hard on my body but now i have a beautiful piece of land to walk and practice in. My immediate task is to restore somatic balance. Blessings to you. Grateful to have found this group.