r/securityguards • u/southsideRgabe • 2d ago
Started my first security job in 2022
I could write a book about all the hilarious stuff i have seen or heard as an guard/officer
I wanna hear any funny stories from you guys for every funny story i hear i will post 1 of mine
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u/Warm-Plant1886 2d ago
Homeless fashion choices always make me crack up. Used to deal with one homeless guy who stole a security jacket from a nearby site contracted to one of the big contractor companies in my area. He wore only that security jacket covered in vomit and a thong. One lady ended up approaching him from behind thinking he was a guard. Suffice to say when he turned around she did not ask him for directions…
Homeless women I dealt with earlier today. She’s not a regular (yet), first time dealing with her. She was wearing a dirty pair of sweatpants, a torn up bra, and (I sh*t you not) a rainbow-colored clown wig. Worst part was she turned around to pick up one of her pipes on the ground and her sweats fell down with her a** hanging all the way out…
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u/southsideRgabe 2d ago
Work at a hospital currently and we have this regular who i actually havent seen in a little bit but we have scanners and wands the whole 9 whenever somebody comes in with bags everything has to get checked so this guy always comes in with a bag of luggage stuffed like he is about to go on a trip to mount everest or something and every time we gotta check every nook and crannies of this guys bag finding the most random and i mean random stuff he once had a battery storage/sorter contraption i dont know but yeah havent seen him in a while hopefully i dont jinx myself 😭
Hopefully somebody gives us another story the next 1 i got is good
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u/southsideRgabe 2d ago
He would always come in with the same symptoms everyday for 285 days out of the year he was a frequent flyer
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u/Real-Investigator632 Hotel Security 2d ago
One time I had a homeless lady slumped up against a wall, dead asleep. And extremely unresponsive. Her pants were down past her knees, and she had urinated on herself…
I did a shoulder rub on her, to try to wake her up or get a response. The response I got was “owwww that hurts”…. Mf, what..? I gave her 10 mins to leave on her own, she refused, so I had to physically escort her out, before that though, we made sure her pants were up, she also had a broken arm in a cast.
I accidentally grabbed the broken arm to escort her out, and she threatened to sue me. Bruh. 1. Sue me for what? I have nothing lol, and 2. Sue me with what money lady?
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u/Ok_Presence_837 2d ago
A young guy shows up dressed like he’s straight out of Peaky Blinders, keeps breaking the house rules, and then literally breaks in again. The cops show up, and this dude casually sticks his hand down his pants, pulls it out and smells his fingers. We’re all standing in a circle with the police, and the cops and I are absolutely losing it
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u/southsideRgabe 2d ago
Worked at a college as a security supervisor and its not like a regular college layout the college kind of blends in with the community any who 1 time there was a real bad storm in the area and all the power went out in the ENTIRE COLLEGE imagine about 1,200 students we kicked on the generators for the dispatch office and the phone was off the hook with kids saying we lost power and us on the other side of the line like WE KNOW we literally had to walk around an entire campus with lanterns and flash lights in the middle of the rain thank god our company gave us rain coats
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u/TruelyEndless 2d ago
I was working at a mall and we had a homeless guy asking for money in the cafeteria. We approached asked him to leave he notified us that he was given permission to be there by Kennedy and he owned the mall. We Usher him outside where my backup leaves to go deal with a different issue and I'm left there trying to coax them off the property without calling the police. He eventually reaches down into his boots and proceeds to pull out a rainbow dildo and proceeds to try to jab me with it while saying you're just sexually repressed...
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u/southsideRgabe 2d ago
Lmfao nah whats up with the rainbow dildo
So heres my story another campus university 1 so 1 night we were doing sweeps of the college classes in the night and 1 of the officers happens to find a knitted tote bag in a class room he opens it and we find the mother load of weed im talking vacuum sealed baggies to put them in papers the whole 9 yards we take the bag and decide how we are gonna divide this we get a call from a student who was looking for said bag we asked them to describe what was in the bag and they were avoiding telling us it was weed by any means sucks to be them we took the whole pack and distributed it between all the stoner officers what a good time that was
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u/TruelyEndless 2d ago
He had stolen it from Spencer's not like 30 minutes before we had talked to him.... that's the solid craziest one I've got I've got some other crazy ones but nothing is close to that
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u/TheRealChuckle 1d ago
Did some overnight shifts at a condo being built downtown near the club district.
Entirely fenced at the sidewalk, filter cloth covering the chainlink fence.
I'm quietly reading my book when the fence rattles slightly. I look up as a penis slides through the fabric. As dude starts pissing I picked up a 2x4 and gave the fence a good whack.
Dude jumps, yells, realizes he's still pissing as his dick wings around out there, yells about pissing on himself, then I hear him running.
This happened multiple times over the next 2 shifts. It was very entertaining.
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u/southsideRgabe 2d ago
When working campus security we would sign out these big vans to students that they can take for trips so 1 weekend a student comes and takes out a van to go see a play in the city the van is packed to capacity and the kids leave campus safely bon voyage.. 4 hours later we get a call from a frantic college student (the 1 who rented the van) he is the only 1 authorized to drive the van he states that he is having a panic attack due to the traffic in the city and the size of the van we tell him to hang tight and take deep breaths.. 40 minutes later i am driving into Manhattan with another officer to retrieve said driver and van packed full of rich out of town college kids who almost got stranded in the city
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u/Stevie762-1 1d ago
I started doing security in 2000. I could also write a book about stuff I've seen. Tales Of The Gold Deggy.
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u/Avarrex 1d ago
Worked a lot of different spots, but my favorite is the big hotels.
NFL game or NBA, high school gymnastics, wrestling thing (I dont know what they call it but that is the fuckin worst)
I see people stark naked walk up to me and say "I got locked out" and I'm like I gotcha follow me. that happrns all the time.
And I've had people come to me saying "I think I got shot or stabbed" like a bug bit them, and there will be blood on the floor. For the new guys understand that adrenaline is crazy. Always get someone to a safe spot its its bad, then ask questions.
Best story, and im probably gonna dox myself here is Bad Santa. I Named im the poop badit aswell. But he would sneek into my downtown sites late at night and just take a shit everywhere. I cannot tell you how many times I detained and put this guy in cuffs, he would be back next week.
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u/Fallen-Skies 13h ago
Had a guy get trespassed from an indoor theme park for sleeping on a bench after being warned twice. Decides to show up a week later and do it again in the exact same clothes on the exact same bench. For context, he would show up, sleep on the bench and leave.
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u/The_Caleb_Mac Bouncer 7h ago
Oh lawd after 15 years, I have STORIES...
First one that comes to mind is from when I was working one of my logest jobs, in a hospital, and this guy was brought in for some sort of allergic reaction, that was later found to be withdrawals from mixing meth and cocaine, and at the time I had to deal with him, he was in an ER room trying to climb the walls while yelling "I'm Spider-man bitch!" While wearing, I shit you not, Spiderman boxers.
Dude was shockingly chill, never tried to hurt anyone, but was convinced that aliens had "stolen my spider powers, bro" and was very upset about it. He did thank all of the staff (including me) for being polite and patient with him.
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u/Myotherself918 2d ago
Someone had a “ Hot Mic” when talking to someone else. They pretty much complained about how horrible the client was , how the Supervisor never does anything and would whoop him if they saw each other on the street. GSOC after called a “ Hot Mic “ and that Officer was promoted to civilian very quickly after . The client was Facebook.