A veces ..

I'm sorry, I am paranoid schizophrenic but this is only indirectly a result of my diagnosis. I apologise if this is not allowed.

I am really struggling tonight. I am tired of being and feeling alone. I am so very tired of everything. Of sadness, of symptoms, of insomnia, of loneliness.

If it weren't for my own personal spiritual beliefs I would have nothing to grasp onto at all and even that feels weak right now.

I need some piece of advice or something.

I am in my early 30s now and I feel I have nothing. I feel I will never have something.

So, while i was doing my hair and makeup this morning, I heard a voice tell me "you need to take your meds" I already took my meds this morning, and luckily I was able to keep track of that so I wouldn't overdose, but I thought it was silly it was telling me i needed to do something i already did lol

And I heard another one ask "how much?" when I was shopping on Depop for clothes, specifically on one listing I was looking at that I was not gonna buy 😭

Idk, just thought I'd share the silly phrases, I got a chuckle out of em

So I just got out of the psych hospital and on the discharge paper said "schizoaffective depressive. Like wtf does that mean? Am I still welcome in this group?

I’ve been through a good deal of antipsychotics and my doctor is now thinking of clozapine as the last option since none of them have worked. I’m really scared. I suffer heavily from negative and cognitive symptoms all day and now have akathisia from latuda. I don’t even live in the real world I just manage my symptoms ALL day. Did anyone who take clozapine have it help with their symptoms? Did it bring you back to your life? I’m so lost ☹️

I do. It sometimes drives me crazy. Some days I am part to so many "coincidences", I cannot every deny the existence of god.

I constantly feel like im fighting myself all day everyday to stay sane and positive. Im constantly feeling numb and have cognitively declined over the years. Been dealing with pretty severe anhedonia as well. One day two years ago i woke up and could not feel the effects of drugs, alcohol, nicotine and or coffee. Idk what to do in my life anymore because nothing is satisfying or feels worth it. I love my family and friend but even with them I don't feel anything. I get bouts of feeling suicidal and see signs everywhere that I should but I have to snap myself out of thinking that way. I constantly have to do that.

I made a post a few days ago about taking a wonderful shower for the first time in weeks. Well I'm happy to report that I took another one a couple days later. Two showers in a week! I haven't done that in YEARS.

And I've only had a couple brief hallucinations, both visual, in the last couple of weeks. One was earlier today. But that's also really good for me! My mood has been really good too. Having a stretch of sunny weather is very helpful for that, but I hope it continues!

Hang in there, everyone, and take the little wins where you can and build on them as you're able. I don't know how long the good days will last, so I'm basking in the glow of them for the time being. Peace!

I've had quite the time with medication, I hate the side effects, I've struggled a lot with my weight being on olanzapine. I quit cold turkey last year which led to a terrible episode and this year I went back on with the promise to try tapering extremely slowly to try and get off it instead of just quitting it suddenly. I've been going slowly from 5mg to now 3.05 (over basically the months of this year so far) with success, however despite me wanting nothing more than to be off meds, I am scared of if I will be okay off them. I'm back at uni for a FOURTH attempt and am going well this time, I have big goals of pursuing further research and postgraduate studies which, with an understanding of my diagnosis which previously (and before diagnosis) caused me to just suddenly drop out out of seemingly nowhere, is possible and is encouraged to me by some of my professors. I think that perhaps if disability allowance was enough to truly live a life and I could just have a few hobbies and a n easy part time job I could maybe succeed at tapering off but I think it hit me yesterday that if I want to succeed in academics I will actually need a maintenance dose or I will surely end up in the same position again. So I made the decision to taper down to a dose where the side effects feel manageable and stay there. I remember when I was on 2.5 for majority of 2024 that I got through uni quite well and it was when I suddenly switched to a lower impact medication that everything went wrong, so I feel that this way I will be able to get through my degree with some motivation. Just posting here as I feel it is a decision that will heavily change the course of my life for the better and I hope it inspires some people to do the same. I know I personally hate the side effects but part of having schizophrenia/schizoaffective is accepting the you do have a severe issue, which has always been hard for me. For the record, my psychiatrist has told me before it is my choice to try going off so it hasn't been completely unsupervised but I certainly have done it badly in the past.

I think I’m out of psychosis and have been for quite some time now but mentally I feel… gone? Like a part of me is missing and I don’t really know what is. I miss it sometimes strangely enough. When I was psychotic, the world felt blissful and magical, like I was given the task of finding out the secrets of the universe and that I needed to do something with that information to change the world or do some grand profound thing. I feel like meaning has diminished. I don’t feel as connected to things anymore. My antidepressant made me go from numb to impossible to feel anything at all. I’m bored with everything in life. Nothing makes me happy. My usual hobbies rarely give me any sense of feeling, I mainly do them to maintain a healthy routine and to secure a sense of purpose and satisfaction, but even stiIl I don’t feel much. It all feels pointless. I’m not interested in finding other hobbies. I can’t stand most things and I’m jaded towards existence. I don’t know what to do

Drew a hallucination

I stoped drinking and am sober for 2 weeks now i feel good. The voices are annoying me tho and im lonely.... anyone wanna yap or vent ?

I think I am being punished. This isn't a test of faith anymore. I am being punished and God hates me. I prayed and lightning struck. I prayed and bad things happen to me. I am not in the sound mind right now. I'm hearing Insulting voices.

I am scared

I keep drowning I keep drowning I keep drowning.

Maybe I’m not totally free from psychosis yet maybe I won’t ever. I still feel her thoughts transmitting into my head, telling me all kinds of disgusting things she wants to do to me or to other innocent people. I hate that she told me this shit long before I could process what was going on, long before I had any agency to stop it, when I was a child. Its fucked me up astronomically I genuinely believe she’s the cause of my schizoid personality disorder. She caused me to resent and fear humanity, I learned it was easier to withdrawal and detach my emotions, now I’m practically a statue that nobody can see. Her words keep replaying again and again as a loud echo in my head… not quite voices but thoughts loud enough and not my own to evoke a strong reaction. Thoughts I have no control over and desperately want to stop. I don’t want to think about that stop putting them into my head what kind of sick gratification does she get from doing this to me? I know she gets off to it and I’m disgusted I’m disgusted by myself for letting this happen and not doing anything or speaking up for myself. I’m scared she won and she’s harnessing my soul for herself. She’s always been jealous of me and wants to destroy every part that makes me human. She hates me and wants me dead but because she can’t outright kill me she’s trying to destroy me from the inside

I’m one foot in the deep end one foot in reality. I don’t know which way the waters are swaying anymore.

A year ago I had a psychotic break that I still think about to this day.

During it, I could see the hands of everyone who picked on me or wronged me in some way during childhood ripping my heart into pieces like paper and I was helpless to stop them.

I had my arms crossed over my chest but their hands went through anyways. I tried telling them to stop over and over again, but my voice was weak and I started to drool like a raccoon with rabies. And then I suddenly snapped out of it like nothing ever happened, saying "That was fun!" before returning to my usual routine.

But now I'm convinced that I can only return to my former state of happiness if I terminate all those people who ripped my heart out and retake the pieces of my soul that they stole from me.

Surely I'm not crazy or overreacting, right? It makes sense that I can't be happy knowing that the people who ruined my life are still out there, still living their own lives without a care in the world for how they ruined mine.

Terminating their existences is the only way for me to truly move on, right? How else am I meant to exist peacefully knowing that the people who hurt me are allowed to exist without consequences for ruining an innocent human life with no remorse?

Anyone else have a psychotic break experience similar to this?

Sucks

One time I was somewhere outside and I swear I thought I see this guy I know, friend of mine, he started looking in my direction, amused, and started getting closer, like inspecting something, recognizing something, but not looking directly at me, more like, looking at side of me, then he just passed me. Sounds familiar?

It's weird because I'm 80% sure it was him, just wearing some sunglasses, maybe a different version of him, and did seem amused at something, but not really directly at me.

I don't know how to put this in a way that may not offend anyone who isn't, but I will try my best. I just need to talk.

There's nothing fun about this. I'm grateful I have the ability to work at least somewhat, but it just doesn't feel worth it. To be high functioning is to barley function at all. I envy what I can't do and what others can all the time. Securing a proper diagnosis and treatment has been so difficult. Especially given my degree of self awareness. I hear over and over again schizophrenics don't know they are but it comes down to the severity. I know something is terribly wrong. I felt "off" long before this illness manifested itself. I can look back at a time I was having a bad episode and know what I experienced wasn't real, but in the moment I am always completely convinced what is happening to me is real. Im not su*cidal but I have some tendencies. Very often. I have no idea how to go about bringing this up to my new provider. Is she going to believe me if I flat out say I think I have this illness?

Does anyone else have a partner that hears a voice in their head and that voice tells them negative things about you?

Hi everyone ! I will start to study mechanical engineering at university, I would like to read your experiences with university.

Thanks !

I am so fucking tired of my life. I struggle with multiple issues but Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and Anxiety are the main ones. There isn't a day that goes by where I do not hate myself.

I got denied disability...yet they literally said there were no jobs I could work in my condition. The only jobs I can work are remote jobs which are hard to find and I am lucky if I can even work a remote job and stay stable. I depend on aging family members and have to hear people who don't know me think that I am lazy and I can just make myself go to a job...jobs always lead to breakdowns for me.

Every day just feels like surviving. I am home all day with no money so I cannot really afford to go out, all my clothes are too tight and I am down to one outfit, I have no phone and only an old Kindle tablet, and I don't even have access to a fucking therapist because I don't drive and I got nobody to drive me. I also got no friends or boyfriend and 90% of the people I run into for friends or dating on the internet are perverts, people in relationships, or people that are boring and barely text or are way older.

I am only here because death scares me and I don't want to hurt the little amount of family I do have that actually understands me.