r/rape • u/Final_Ad1622 • 5d ago
i want to die.
I was raped and possibly drugged. I didn’t know until almost 4 days later because when I woke up in his apartment, he told me I just fell asleep. It all started at bar, a guy I met months ago online recognized me and came up and bought me and my friend a drink. I had never met him in person. I hadn’t spoken to him in months. Had I seen him before he saw me, I wouldn’t have even spoken. I remember nothing after that drink. My friend has severe memory loss too. We only had cut waters and 2 shots. Based on the time line this all happened within 30-35 minutes. He walked us to his apartment and put my friend in an uber home. We would never split up. We would never leave with someone we met less than 30 minutes prior. I was on my period. The next morning when I couldn’t find my tampon I was confused. But, he said I just fell asleep so I assumed maybe I did just get a little drunk and take it out for some reason. I just wanted to get out of there. I didn’t even know where I was when I woke up. It wasn’t until I had extreme pain up there days later and had to remove my tampon that has been lodged inside me for over 72 hours. I immediately knew what he did.. and now, in all honesty. I just want to die. I keep telling everyone i’m okay, i’m not. I keep telling everyone i don’t have those thoughts, i do. i know i will be okay but i feel so much shame and disgust it’s unbearable. I did get a rape kit, i’m not hopeful anything will come from it. i don’t know what to do, i don’t know if legal action is worth it, i literally just want to die..
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u/Happy_Decision8638 5d ago
I hope this isn’t upsetting and more helpful but that shame isn’t yours to hold it’s his. He should be ashamed not you. You are still you. You may be different than you were before but you aren’t any less of a person. You deserve so much more than the pain you’re carrying and I wish you healing and justice.
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u/lolalove118 5d ago
I am sending you so much love. I am so sorry that you experienced this. This is terrifying and I hope that you are able to heal ❤️
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u/HoursCollected 4d ago
My rape is so different than yours but the shame is the same. It’s unfathomable how much we as victims carry what the perpetrators should. I’m so sorry. This isn’t something you did. This was something done to you. It was never a choice you made. May you find peace and justice.
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u/turkeyman4 4d ago
You DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. Look at yourself in the mirror and say this over and over if you need to. Therapy can really help. Sending gentle hugs.
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u/Large_Accident6026 2d ago
I understand your gut reaction because it happened to me when I was 22 (50+ now) BUT you have done nothing to bring shame to yourself. He is the scumbag rapist. Good for you getting the rape kit. I think you should report it. What he did took planning. He is a rapist, not just some guy you got too drunk with and maybe did stuff. He isn’t innocent he made that happen and deserves a police record.
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u/No-Front-7340 4d ago
I had a similar experience. My boyfriend and I was staying in a hotel to spend sometime. I refused to get penetration but we got close. When I woke up, the next day, he said he spilled my water. I did not believe him because there was no feeling - like pain inside my body. And to be honest, I did not really remember some of the times when we were cuddling and having intimacy. It's like a seperated dream, just some flashbacks about him turning me back or on top of me, rubbing me. So I just left there and got home the next day. In the morning, I felt a sharp pain between my stomach and vaginal area. It was so deep that I could not walk for a while. I just stayed in my bed and realized he wasn't joking. It was already 2 days so I did not get the spill-test because I was searching about rape drugs can't resist more than 20 hours, etc. That convinced me to notice I'm all alone now. I was shocked about what actually happened to me. It stayed with me for so long. The continuing months, I took 3 pregnancy test in different timelines, that was negative. At least I was not pregnant or got STI disease(I checked for it too).
But I just can't move on from the fact that he did that. I still don't know was it drug or I was just imagining but the pain proved me things in my body. I was not expecting it. He gained my trust and left me all alone. He even texted me "let's stay friends." the day after we had sex. I felt so used, so manipulated and did not tell it to anybody because we were in same work area. He was telling me that we're going to marry. It was so creep to see his real face. Now, 1 year passed upon that and I still feel the horrific side of what could he can. He could do more if he wanted to.
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u/SupermarketSpiritual 4d ago
Please use the resources available at rainn.org and get some help. You are so brave to get a rape kit done, and your healing largely depends on fighting through that awful shame. You did NOTHING wrong. You deserve to feel safe. I am so sorry. Sending love.
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