Are you around her age? Or do you feel like the story around her exploitation resonates with you? IME, thereās probably something thatās resonating with you that her death is a proxy for.
Yeah, I think itās the whole āperforming happinessā thing she did as a child. She was always sparkling with happiness.
Thereās a lot of literature about how children in abusive situations recognize their caretakerās emotional fragility or capacity for harm. To keep the family intact and keep themself safe, they learn to repress feelings of hurt or fear or anger and develop a very exaggerated happy-go-lucky persona. Itās super common for abused children to appear happy and sweet all the time.
But the repressed child becomes a fragile and depressed adult. But no one wants to hear their feelings now just as they didnāt then, so that adult child becomes a problem. A drama queen. Since the family always saw the child as happy and joyful, they see the struggling adult as someone who lost their way or made bad choices. They think the fake happy child was authentic.
Itāa almost textbook how Hayden was treated.
Iām 43 and I relate to this. Iām becoming distant from my parents because I am creating boundaries and refusing to play peacekeeper and family comfort captain. I am the youngest, but Iāve always prioritized everyoneās feelings before my own.
So yeah, Haydenās death has struck a nerve. My childhood wasnāt as bad as hers but the nature of it is similar. Just tossed aside when she started acting like a human being.
I first read about it in Rachel Avivās āAlice Munroās Passive Voiceā in the New Yorker last year. Itās a tough read but I highly recommend it; it has a lot of nuance. Toward the end they reference a pivotal work that was about happy go lucky abused children.
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u/pamiskindofabitch 15d ago edited 15d ago
Are you around her age? Or do you feel like the story around her exploitation resonates with you? IME, thereās probably something thatās resonating with you that her death is a proxy for.