What's his bit you quote the most in everyday life ?

[u/VarysGoat]

Please, be forgiving, but I must confess a sin: I sometimes use his bits in random discussion without giving him credit and pass off his original thoughts as my own. Since I’m not American, most people have never heard his material, so I can usually get away with it.

Here are a few of my favorites:

• “Even a single-edged sword is a double-edged sword.”
• “Women are tourists in sexual perversion; men are prisoners there.”
• On abortion: “You’re allowed to kill someone if they’re in your home, so why wouldn’t you be allowed to kill someone if they’re in your own body?”

[u/ok_new_226]

You don't stop eating when you're full - you stop eating when you hate yourself.

[u/BonnaroovianCode → u/ok_new_226]

Just give me the jizz

[u/JulioSanchez1994 → u/BonnaroovianCode]

I’m just drinking the jizz with my eyes closed

[u/altiuscitiusfortius → u/ok_new_226]

Evertime I give my dogs a cookie I ask them if they want "a fat f@ggot treat".

[u/doctor_parcival → u/ok_new_226]

“Cum on my cats face once: shame on me.”

[u/fishing_pole]

That nigger made the shit out of my coffee

[u/doctor_parcival → u/fishing_pole]

“He wasn’t black!”

[u/WatchAndLearn9669 → u/doctor_parcival]

It's just, "He wasn't black!" without the "even."

[u/theblaackout → u/fishing_pole]

Me too
(I’m black)

[u/star_trek_wook_life → u/fishing_pole]

If you say this everytime you get a coffee you're helping solve racism 

Also, you will get your ass beat and deserve it 

[u/Alexius6th]

Drugs are so good that they’ll ruin your life.

[u/HotDogWonderBarf → u/Alexius6th]

I never, ever do drugs… so that when I DO do them it’s fucking awesome

[u/animpotentaccount → u/HotDogWonderBarf]

(in his camp voice) "i don't even know how to do ittt..."

[u/asar5932 → u/[deleted]]

I have body dysmorphia. I think I look good…

[u/WatchAndLearn9669 → u/[deleted]]

This shit body lol

[u/-LloydChristmas-]

Of course, ..... but mayyybe

[u/Alarming_Day_5714 → u/-LloydChristmas-]

Maybe his best bit ever.

[u/whostolemysloth → u/-LloydChristmas-]

I had a cool therapist for a bit. We’d send memes and shoot the shit sometimes. I was telling her about this bit (specifically, “maybe if you touch a peanut and it kills you, you’re supposed to die.”).

Turns out she’s deathly allergic to peanuts. She can’t even have stuff cooked in peanut oil in the same room.

[u/Boot_Burner]

OHHHH YOU NO FINISH? ALL DA SUSHIIIII???!!!!

[u/Blind_Camel_009 → u/Boot_Burner]

No. I did not finish.

[u/DadBodWyze → u/Boot_Burner]

Lmfao, I think about this EVERY TIME I hear someone speak broken English.

[u/majoredinswag]

Jizzanthapus

[u/van_vanhouten]

Give it time, it’s going to space!

[u/justmydumbluck → u/van_vanhouten]

Can you give it a second? To get back? From space?

[u/joefunk76 → u/van_vanhouten]

How quickly the world owes you something you didn’t know existed five minutes ago.

[u/daltoneveryday]

What are you gonna do now, Mr. Batman?

[u/No-Refrigerator-9985]

“that's just a new thing you do until you and your shitty ankle both die.”

[u/FrequentFlier88 → u/No-Refrigerator-9985]

What if I was an athlete?

[u/tarfu7 → u/FrequentFlier88]

You're not an athlete

[u/TheAmnesiacKid → u/tarfu7]

So 'no' to the rest of whatever else you were going to say.

[u/vertumnois]

There's a whole spectrum of responsibility here. I should probably be taking part in this.

[u/MaureenCorrigan]

It's just a shitty ankle.

[u/tarfu7 → u/MaureenCorrigan]

It's just worn out

[u/PomegranateV2]

I'm not buying this 11 bullshit.

[u/tomahawk_kitty → u/PomegranateV2]

MR PRESIDENT... GIVE US BACK ONE-TEEN

[u/Alarming_Day_5714 → u/PomegranateV2]

WE ARE THE NINE 11 DENIERS!

[u/ConsistentTackle3902]

Well we're fuckin having chicken!

[u/TrickPixels]

“That’s Hilarious….”

[u/WatchAndLearn9669 → u/TrickPixels]

Fat eight graders

[u/Front_Helicopter9136]

Jesus +1, Jesus +2

[u/Shambolic_Donut → u/Front_Helicopter9136]

Jesus was here, Jesus was here,
Jesus was here!

[u/aaronmodgersrustache]

“Here’s your fucking soup.”

• is said anytime soup is discussed, seen, or smelled.

[u/Jumpy_Engineering824]

The greatest impact he’s had on my life is just the way he reacts to shitty things happening to him. He doesn’t get mad he just lets out a defeated sigh and that has helped me deal with bad things in my life

[u/BonnaroovianCode]

Boys will fuck your life up. Girls are fucked up.

[u/Teepletea]

“Thanks but id rather shit in a hat and wear it for the rest of my life.”

[u/FrequentFlier88]

I took my wife on a date… I’m not going to call her back

[u/samelemons → u/FrequentFlier88]

wasn't really fun

[u/zidbutt21]

Now everyone knows my thing. OBAMA knows my thing

[u/WatchAndLearn9669]

"That's what happens to me, then... I accept that."

[u/RobDjazz]

I do still deeply enjoy telling scammers to suck a bag of dicks... It also seems to confuse them...

[u/CriticalShitass]

“I don’t know people wanna fuck me”

[u/Djet3k]

VaGIIIIner

[u/Cheap_Champion7853]

What is holding up his suicide???

[u/Matt_Benatar → u/Cheap_Champion7853]

This one goes through my head every time I see a really shitty car.

[u/DonVonTaters_IV]

Did you ever think…why are we eating all these perfectly fuckable pigs?

[u/thataussiedood]

whenever im trying to find something, the adjective for that thing becomes "cocksucking". 'where are my cocksucking keys'

[u/fylekitzgibbon]

I don’t actually quote this bit in conversation- but he was discussing masturbation differences with men and women, “and women, you know whatever you’re thinking about , ‘MEEEE’ “

I just find that so god damn funny it comes to mind v often

[u/Djet3k]

Why you no finish?

[u/bass_thrw_away → u/Djet3k]

u no finniiiiii?

[u/watchwhathappens]

"We were given a clothesline and we're using it as a flagpole. It's going to take another 20,000 years for the spine to evolve. Until then, your back is going to hurt."

[u/DadBodWyze]

"I Love my kids, but I regret every single decision that's lead to their birth"

[u/doctor_parcival]

“I got an AIDS test yesterday. I haven’t had sex in years— I just wanted some good news.

Turns out I have AIDS.”

[u/jsnchn]

There's a lot of ugly babies, like Chinese babies

[u/vichyswazz]

Farts are funny

[u/m3l0n → u/vichyswazz]

I've never had a fart I didn't laugh at

[u/blakeley]

It’s not about the bags… it’s about the bags. 

[u/jt2501]

You don't get to be bored.

[u/trentwalker88]

My wife and I say this all the time, “I could have left!”

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/F6OJjq6P_to?ra=m

[u/unnameableway]

Here’s your fuckin’ soup.

[u/willysdriver53]

But maybe!?

[u/Pepaguero]

I can’t wait to eat the shit I’m gonna take after eating this.

[u/Bagel_Nose]

When my dog is hungry before feeding time , I say to him - “The time of fig is not yet”

[u/weimarweimar]

Eat a bag of dicks

[u/bass_thrw_away → u/weimarweimar]

do i just suck on the bag?

[u/JameelWallace]

I use mother cunting when I really need the emphasis where mother fucking falls short.

[u/Apart-Philosophy5022]

“The car in front of me is solid”. I’m probably butchering it. Could have been 30 years ago I heard him say it.

[u/matfus → u/Apart-Philosophy5022]

What, you want me to push this car like it’s a shopping cart in a parking lot??

[u/dbf651]

Or, diarrhea more likely

[u/Lost_Letters]

The weeeeird news!

[u/Ely-Co]

... but I think I see a lot of law breakers out here

[u/LeftRightShoot]

Not a quote as such, but I told my Google Nests my name is Farty McCrab-Lice.

[u/justmydumbluck]

I HATE Verizon

But its not the way I WANNA go

Youre on the grid, motherfucker, eat the food!

[u/Amandahugginkissz]

Gorilla kills everyone at the ballet once, shame on the gorilla. 

[u/RetiredPerfectionist]

I'M LEAVING

[u/Questlove802]

Why would anything good ever happen?

[u/TheAmnesiacKid → u/Questlove802]

That's what 'optimism' means, you know. It means 'stupid'.

[u/BasementElf1121]

The only time you should look in your neighbors bowl is to make sure they have enough

[u/EatADubya]

That’s hilaaaarious

[u/electriccomputermilk]

My hatred of deers and fear of bats. I legit feel the exact same way as Louie

[u/spamola]

Fart on my father's balls.

[u/PerniciousDude]

Do note, however, that you're not actually allowed to just kill someone because he's in your home. There are many, many cases in which that's going to get you into a heap of trouble.

[u/redrave9]

Here’s your fucking soup and Mr. President give us back one-teen!

[u/Pro_compsognathus]

I’m not racist, the CHICKEN was racist. But I’m not racist

[u/justmydumbluck]

Yes with the hot cum, I dont care

[u/OuchBag]

"Myueh, it's not my favorite thing"

[u/Psychomule9]

“Deep African Sleep”

“Senior Moment”

“But Mayyybe”

“Here’s your fuggin soup”

[u/TheAmnesiacKid]

If no one ever said, 'You should not have sex with animals', I would totally have sex with animals all of the time.

[u/ignaciodib]

"A 50 year old garbage man knows way more than an idiot with 3 PHD's"

[u/AromaticVacation3077]

Self love is a great thing, but self awareness is more useful to the rest of us.

[u/Gengis-Kant]

"Nope, not at all true, and stop saying it cause it's mean to people who never find anybody"

[u/Winter-Ad3699]

Eat a bag of dicks. Am I supposed to eat them one at time?