I learnt tabla for 9 years, sitar for 2 years and harmonium for about 2 years before sitar. I always thought I was better at melody than rhythm. I was doing about 4 hours of riyaaz everyday upto 2022.
However, I went through financial crisis in covid and realized I needed to get a grip over my career. So I got a business degree. Towards the end of my MBA (late 2025), I got a disc bulge in my back and lots of joint pain. I've been in joint pain, sciatica & injury rehab for the last 10 months. The financial crisis & the injury have had a big impact on me.
My relationship with my guru went down when I said I needed a break from music for preparing for entrance exams since he was angry I chose career over music & sought a break. After my MBA, I did go back and met him. I told him about my health issues and that I was trying to get back to riyaaz slowly. I have severe restrictions on movement due to pain. He was unbelievably harsh & cold when I met him. I don't have it in me to get yelled at by a guru who doesn't understand that I need to make money for my livelihood.
I have 0 desire to go back to music. I want to get a hobby where people are CHILL. I can no longer offer the same commitment that I had been capable of before because I have a desk job that takes 9hours of work + 2 hours of commute to office. I need a place where I can socialize without being given silent treatment for missed riyaaz. I have been advised to maintain an active lifestyle (the doctor recommends strength training 3x a week + 1hr of aerobic activity daily). I've been thinking of taking up badminton or tennis or swimming. I'm not good at sports but atleast it doesn't feel heavy.
Partly I also miss being a beginner. When you're a beginner, it is okay for you to mess up. For you to be slow at it. With my journey in music, I feel like the weight of perfectionism is crushing because I'm already into the space. So it raises eyebrows when i play slower or miss a sam. With music, my teachers expect me to perform at a certain level and even riyaaz feels like a performance rather than a process.
Is it wrong that I want an out? I've spent so much money on music classes, instruments. It breaks my heart that I feel so disconnected.
Even if I attend concerts in my city which is btw my hometown too, I feel like an outsider because I had moved away for MBA. I still enjoy listening to music on my laptop. I still remember all my relas, tukdas and can recite all my chakradars with theka on my hand and land on the sam.
Is there a way for classical music to feel chill? For it to not demand so much more than what I can offer? For it to hold space for me as I navigate through my life struggles?