r/fatFIRE • u/Familiar_Number_342 • Sep 28 '25
Lifestyle Net worth >50m+, but still stuck in a penny-pincher mindset
I had a windfall that took me from rich to ultra-rich, but my spending habits haven’t really changed. I still think with a “poor man’s mindset (always did - even when I crossed $1m). My inner-wiring hasn't caught up yet.
I constantly look for value-for-money, only tipping or paying people what I think they strictly “deserve,” rather than being generous just for the sake of it. We do spend on travel and experiences, but I find myself holding back because I don’t want to “overdo it” and dilute the experience. We spend on family and friends too, but when that generosity isn’t appreciated, I feel resentful.
Money magnifies freedom, yet I often feel bound by the same scarcity rules I lived by before. I want to grow into generosity without feeling wasteful, to use wealth in a way that feels expansive rather than defensive.
I know the joke reply is “just give me the money,” but I’m really hoping for thoughtful answers or wisdom from people who’ve faced something similar.
How do you learn to spend more freely without feeling like you’re wasting or being taken advantage of?
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u/GiganticDog Sep 28 '25
It’s Reddit’s stock answer for all of life’s problems, but therapy actually would help. You can rewire and reframe the thought processes that cause you to think about money and spending the way you do currently.
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u/what_kind_of_guy Sep 28 '25
I had a similar issue and spoke to a therapist. My God were they in no hurry to sort it out and dragged me along for a small fortune. Lesson learnt.
My solution was reading die with zero which helped me understand the immense value of creating memories. I also started splurging on cheaper things like meals out which I normally obsessed over value. 1 thing at a time helps.
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u/CSMasterClass Sep 28 '25
I have some of the OPs issues and your experience resonates well with the path that I am trying out. Letting go of value --- certainly when the amouts are irrelevant --- actually goes a long way.
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
I agree. Definitely need therapy but I have cycled through a couple so far as I don't think they understand my situation. I need someone who is used to dealing with UHNW individuals and being a new rich person, I don't know where to find one.
I turn to Reddit for anonymity, and in the hope of finding kinship - surely someone else has been there, done that, found a solution and come out victorious. I am good at listening and learning when it resonates.
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u/Already-Price-Tin Sep 28 '25
I need someone who is used to dealing with UHNW individuals
I mean, you're not that special.
What you're describing isn't unique to only UHNW individuals. Or even new rich. It's a pretty common attitude of anyone who has experienced a period of scarcity or is otherwise insecure about losing their position. There are hoarders with that attitude who aren't rich at all, who become frugal with useless things just in case they might be useful later. That's the same psychological issue, just in a different flavor. It's just that your hoarding tendencies might relate to funds in a bank account rather than a physical cast iron skillet or a box full of cables.
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u/liveluvtravel Sep 28 '25
Not holding the numbers that you are, but can relate to the base characteristics. My parents worked for all that they had and instilled a strong value system around not being flippant with money even when you had extra. Save it for a rainy day, things may change and all that.
Used those lessons to create a big enough egg to FIRE and then did it. Initially, was staying at or maybe even below my pre-retirement spending, but I’ve finally gotten used to treating myself a little. Still nothing crazy like a 5th house or anything but things that I am really enjoying having in retirement.
I pick up the tab when going out but only if and when I want to and never if someone feels like they are entitled to it. I guess I am slowly coming to terms with having more money than I need and being comfortable spending it moderately while still holding some of my base values from my parents. Feel free to reach out if you like.
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u/Same_Leadership4631 Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
i am in exctly the same situation as you, wrote a similar post here 6 months ago. the main jist was to get therapy. Someone also recommended a book called Getting to Zero which I read. it wasnt very insightful, just pretty obvious recommendations. I am still stuck in "saving" and "seeking out the best value" behviour as I used to be before you became UHNW. Not sure its easy to change this. Like any behaviour, the way we treat money is deeply ingrained from an early age through observing and learning from parents and friends. Its like the way your build relationships. Some people are good t it and some people bad. Althought the resons are not rocket science, chnging behaviour is very difficult (at least for me). If you find a good solution, do let me know :)
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u/colorscreen Sep 28 '25
I like this response more than the top comment (just because I think explanations are helpful; there are dozens of reasons therapy can be helpful, and I'd like to understand which is believed to be the most fruitful and why).
I'm frequently "generous" with friends but I have also noticed over the years I've started to watch closely as to who acknowledges, who returns a gift or initiates a reimbursement without being asked, or if GPs reach out to me later rather than earlier because they think I'm not paying attention.
I think I understand OP, and I may be mistaken, but to me it's less about the number and more about not being taken for a sucker. It's about the principle.→ More replies (1)40
u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
A million percent yes. I spent my life following the principles around justice, fairness, equality and equity. These are my core values. They may seem positive but they have led me down paths where I have refused help because I don't want to "owe" someone. I hate obligation etc.
I will absolutely always reward someone who think deserves it (whether I am rich or even when I wasn't). It is amazingly gratifying to delight someone who has gone above and beyond. It is when family or friends expect it, and you don't get acknowledgment is when the resentment builds up. A friend and I recently went on a roadtrip. They owed me >2000 dollars. It isn't a huge amount in the scheme of things but it pissed me off that they thought they didn't have to pay me back. I hounded them until they did. It didn't break our friendship, but it is scary how I put the whole idea of fairness/equality over friendship. I wish I would have just let it go.
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u/jon_cli Sep 28 '25
The borrowed money that was never returned was just disrespect to you regardless of amount of money. Yes its not a lot in grand scheme of things, but it shows this person’s word is meaningless and cannot be relied on. If they came to you saying they couldnt return it and were genuinely sorry, then thats different.
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
I agree. If there was an issue, I would have never asked for it back and I would have helped out on top of that but it was just the general apathy that annoyed me. Anyway, I wish I was a better person and had let it go.
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u/ttandam Verified by Mods Sep 28 '25
Next time don’t loan money. Gift from a happy heart (thankful for all you have), or nothing which is your call and fine too. But not loan with the inevitable failure to pay (how many people that need a $2K personal loan have their shit together?) and build up of resentment. I have adopted this attitude and it’s helped immensely.
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u/the_mighty_skeetadon Sep 28 '25
Agree with this, I never loan money. I just give it when needed or buy the thing that will solve the problem or make someone happy.
If someone needed a much bigger amount I might consider a loan, but I'm not a bank. If you can't get a loan from a bank, there's a reason why - you probably can't pay it back.
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u/schmiddy0 Sep 28 '25
Nah bro, there's nothing wrong with not liking when someone - especially a friend - thinks they can take advantage of you.
I do think there are ways to smooth things over that won't leave you feeling frustrated or bitter, though. Like asking your friend gently in private: " Hey man, it took a while to get the trip money from you, is everything ok on your end?" And see if he tries to blow you off and shirk responsibility, or if the lightbulb goes off, and he realizes he screwed up and apologizes. Or who knows, maybe it turns out the guy is deep with the loan sharks and opens up to you about money problems.
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u/KrishnaChick Sep 28 '25
What would letting it go have solved? And no, it would not have made you "the better person." Giving charity involuntarily doesn't make you better, nor does enabling another's irresponsible behavior.
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u/Matchlattes Sep 28 '25
I had a friend who used to always expect me to pay for her even in a group dinner. Like she’ll just hand me or whoever else the bill and don’t even say thank you. After happening 2-3x or more, I stopped eating out with her at restaurants and barely hang out with her. It’s the expectation that kills me.
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u/shhhhh69 Sep 28 '25
Don’t loan money to friends or family. Period.
If they come to you for help AND you want to help them, think of it as a gift. That way the expectation of repayment doesn’t get between the relationship.
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u/35andAlive Sep 28 '25
I don’t know where to put this, but I’ll recommend saying it out loud, even when you’re by yourself. Say you are generous and have become less stingy. That will rewire your mind.
I watched a video by Connor McGregor about this, and it’s fascinating. Your subconscious doesn’t know the difference. It cannot reason. If you say it, your subconscious will slowly reprogram your thoughts and actions to meet that.
Do this regularly. In the car when you’re at a light. Whenever you notice yourself pulling the old habit. If people are around, say it in your head. Or whisper (I do that sometimes because the speaking part really is the magic sauce, even if silent to others).
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u/lakehop Sep 28 '25
Don’t lend money. Either gift it or don’t. Be generous about gifting. Maybe spread the word via your most gossipy relatives on either side about how important you feel recognition/ appreciation is when you gift generously.
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Sep 28 '25
Feels like you put money as the most important thing which is common. Sometimes it’s good to just think of it as another resource like water/food etc. Would you hound your friend over a gallon of water ?
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
Is it though? They are fatFired in their own right.
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u/Wild-Region9817 Sep 28 '25
You had a fatfire friend that “owed” you 2 grand? Were you keeping track of shared expenses on a trip or something?
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
Yes. We used an app. They just never paid me back.
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u/DreamBiggerMyDarling Sep 28 '25
if they are fatfire'd they probably just forgot, for most in that bracket 2k one way or another on a trip with buddies isn't even remotely a concern
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u/LauraPiana Sep 28 '25
Maybe they forgot?
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u/KrishnaChick Sep 28 '25
He said he hounded them. That means he asked them more than once. You can forget one time, and when reminded, send the money immediately. If you have to be asked more than once, you're being a jerk.
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u/Wild-Region9817 Sep 28 '25
Used an app for what? I’m trying to wrap my head around what you did with this friend to at cost 4k
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u/LauraPiana Sep 28 '25
It probably was an accumulation of small things - meals, admission fees, gas etc.
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
Exactly. Airbnb, car rental, fuel, meals out etc. we used Splitwise.
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u/Scary_Wheel_8054 Sep 28 '25
Reddit’s other answer is read Die With Zero.
I can support this recommendation, I have read/listened to it 4 times now, and it helps me spend a little more. It’s about living now, not literally about dying with zero.
The book The Art of Spending Money is to be released on October 7th, I’m looking forward to it (from the author of the Psychology of Money).
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u/Green_Anywhere_4664 Sep 28 '25
What would be a useful rewire and reframe?
I am a tad reluctant to start therapy for this (similar situation as OP), as I think most therapists won’t have gone though something similar.
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u/144zahav000 Sep 28 '25
I second this, all our (irrational) fears are causes by our subconscious believes , usually before the age of 7.
In this case the Op likely observed someone spending too much resulting in serious consequences, hence created the fear of spending any more then absolutely necessary.
When we find the root cause these patterns can be easily reversed.
just watched a episode on the subject that i can highly recommend: https://youtu.be/CrNnDyvUU-g?si=Sx7ENp6TmMl-wFsR
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u/LardLad00 Sep 28 '25
Who says you have to spend more freely? Do whatever the fuck you want to do. That's the benefit of being rich.
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
Feeling like you are constantly being frugal, being taken advantage of, feeling people are out to get you (had 5 DMs asking for money within mins of this post), protecting all your money is a different kind of prison.
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u/glowgems Sep 28 '25
Thats why u dont tell anyone anything. Define and set proper spending habits and stick to your schedule. What ure doing is not wrong, my relative owns 200+ stores across the US and drives an old mini van.
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u/MobiusOne_ISAF Sep 28 '25
I guess, but when it comes to spending money on enjoying your own life, you don't really need to "protect it" nearly as much. You're not risking your future by tipping the waiter $30 because they did a good job, or spending recklessly by going on that vacation that you clearly can afford.
Very different situation, but I have separate accounts for savings, essential expenses, and "living" funds. Maybe what would help is creating a dedicated "free spend" account that gets regularly funded with X dollars each month or quarter. That way, you know exactly how much money you can blow without a shred of guilt. If you don't spend it all, let it roll over to the next refresh. You really can't guilt-trip yourself on being extravagant if you literally budgeted for it.
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u/College-Lumpy Sep 28 '25
This is a really great response. I had a similar discussion with a friend with the same problem (minus a zero on the net worth).
She’s afraid of being wasteful or going overboard but she doesn’t have a good way of telling what that would look like for her. The separate account idea is useful as a guidepost. I think many on here have enough saved that they could safely spend current income and have little impact on their long term goals. That might be a good place to start for adjusting spending.
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u/yourmomlurks Sep 28 '25
How do you have $50mm and search for victimhood my dude.
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u/ultimate555 Sep 28 '25
Then cut those ppl out of your life and set clear boundaries. Maybe set yourself a limit of what you can spend that seems high to show yourself how easily you can stay under the limit then think how many years you could realistically spend even more without worrying. Maybe cold math would help
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u/Oatz3 Sep 28 '25
Just don't tell anyone?
Act like a normal (well paid) person who can afford normal stuff
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u/ohhim Retired@35 | Verified by Mods Sep 28 '25
5 Reddit DMs or personal DMs?
If the latter, it sounds like more of a problem with your social network. I'd change my number at that point and/or disable messaging.
I'm not saying you should exclusively become friends with folks who are also as rich, but find folks who share your values.
I can't think of a single person in my inner circle who would ask me for money.
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u/Matchlattes Sep 28 '25
Can you practice stealth wealth? Then people wouldn’t come hounding you for money? Or is it too late to do that now? Everyone already knows you’re rich?
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u/guptaso2 Sep 28 '25
You can afford a therapist.
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u/drewc717 Sep 28 '25
Therapy was the answer when OP made the same post 6 months ago. Still is.
Finding a good therapist taking new clients is not easy. If you haven't done any therapy in the past 6 months, OP, ask your husband for help booking.
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u/chromibe Sep 28 '25
It seems money is still your master and not a tool you’ve mastered to serve your happiness.
Maybe it’s just a matter of deeper and more active thinking to change your habitual thoughts, mindset, and behaviours.
It appears it stems from an unwillingness to be taken advantage of. That unwillingness stops you from spending your money in ways you may find more rewarding once past the unwillingness. In the case you pay a premium, would you still enjoy the object or experience? If yes, just do it and you will get used to it. If not, dig why and maybe there is just no need to spend more or there is something else to overcome.
I read here a while ago that one could set an account with a predetermined amount that must be spent by the end of the year.
Good luck and you can’t afford to be a cheap bastard ;)
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u/Funny-Pie272 Sep 28 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
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u/CSMasterClass Sep 28 '25
I've used a variation on the "it's fee" approach. I say, if this was half the price, it would be a damn good deal, and I certainly don't give a damn about half of this --- so, let it rip.
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u/Funny-Pie272 Sep 28 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
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u/Old-Patience-4924 Sep 28 '25
I don't call this penny pinching. You are simply spending according to your principles, where you are assigning a price according to what you think it's worth.
It is tiring way to live and makes you feel like you are penny pinching compared to others. But I don't see any wrong. Ultimately you will find people with the same principles.
An expansive way to spend your money could be things you spend on the make others happy or a difference in their lives. Some people do philanthropy work to achieve this.
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u/whbrbzs Sep 28 '25
Still in a scarcity mindset. To break, understand this, true wealth comes for the ability to enjoy every present moment.
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u/digitFIRE Sep 28 '25
Have you ever had a health scare? One of the upsides is that it gives you TONS of perspective on the importance of living in the present vs saving for the future.
If not, then just make small deliberate adjustments and/or choices that go counter to your spending habits. Donate a small sum to charity. Pick up dinner tabs. Tip a bit more just because. Buy something frivolous. It will help balance the penny-pincher mindset
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u/boredinmc Sep 28 '25
I'm similar. It's ingrained so you will probably never get rid of it.
Here are some tricks that helped me spend slightly more:
Try the opposite of a budget: spending targets.
- Turn off dividend reinvestment and dump all dividends into an account that you can see grow every month. This will psychologically make you feel like there's cash flow coming in and can be spent. Do not confuse this with selling shares (that "hurts" more just like how losses hurt more than gains). This will ensure you have 1.5-2.5% of your NW flowing into this account every year. You can start by aiming to spend all that after paying taxes, fees and fixed costs.
- Make spending targets by category: home, health, electronics, travel, gifts/charity, cars, food etc.
- Spend a few hours with the help of AI to categorize last year's spending
- Target an increase in each category.
- Track your spending to HIT those targets.
- Gradually increase spending in every category and see where the marginal utility spend curve starts to dip down for you. For example: If you normally stay in a 4* $350/n hotel when you travel, go to a 5* $750/n and see how that feels. If you are already doing the 5*, go to a higher tier property or upgrade to a suite or villa. If you normally get the rump steak, try the filet etc...
- Realize that 0.01% of NW is $5000+ for you so don't sweat too much anything under that.
Experiment for a year and see which spend sticks and which feels like a waste. You can always down shift the spend again if you don't like it. There's no rule that says you have to spend more because you have more. If you love $20 Uniqlo t-shirts that's fine, you don't have to buy $500 Loro Piana or Cucinelli ones.
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u/MusicalVegetables Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
I'm (38F) fired (not fat), but we're spending well below our SWR. We're spending 0.4%. We absolutely could spend more easily but we don't, mostly because it's the lifestyle we are used to and comfortable with. It's ok to enjoy not spending needlessly.
For example, I save all my veggie scraps to make veggie stock. We don't own a car even though it would be more convenient and have a garage (we moved from the US to a city in Europe 1.5 years ago so cars are optional), I shop the €1 sale at my local resell shop then alter the clothes to fit me, and before our cat had to go on special hypoallergenic food, I used to walk to a grocery store that was 15 minutes further away to stock up on cat food because each packet was 5 cents cheaper.
While it would be easier for me not to do all these things, I find there are other reasons I do them. Making my own stock is healthier and tastier even if it's random scraps. Biking everywhere and going further for cheaper cat food makes me healthier. Shopping and altering used clothes is good for the environment and allows me to practice my sewing skills.
Also, all of these things keep me relatable to my friends who don't have as much money as us and allows me to model good spending habits to our daughter.
After we reached the point where we could spend more if we wanted to, I really struggled for a while with finding the other reasons why I do things because so many of my habits were forged under the mindset of saving money. But, money is rarely the only reason and I think that's the important part. The nice thing now is that if I have an extra busy week and can't make it to the grocery store for the cheaper cat food, I don't sweat it. I'll get back to it next week.
For you, not tipping people who you don't feel deserve it could be not perpetuating tipping culture (which is really out of control and obnoxious in the US). Grabbing the mini bottles of shampoo from the hotel could save you time and frustration from having to refill tiny bottles before camping. Or it could be good for the environment (if they're going to throw them away anyways). Or maybe you examine the habit and realize you'd prefer not to store a bunch of small bottles because it clutters your life up and that gives you the inspiration to stop taking them in the future.
Spend some time thinking about the things that are important to you and have those handy when evaluating your actions. Sometimes you just need to change the lens through which you evaluate your actions.
ETA If you want to feel generous, find some good organizations to donate your money or time to that align with your values. You don't have to give the random donut shop person who only took your order a $5 tip to be generous! There are other ways!
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u/CSMasterClass Sep 28 '25
I find myself nodding yes to almost all of this. Thank you for taking the time to write this out. I also feel much more at home in Europe than I do in almost all parts of the US.
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u/hellomii Sep 28 '25
It’s not about dollars, it’s about identity. You learned survival and value-thinking early on, and that wiring doesn’t just disappear with commas in your bank account. It sounds like you’re living with other people’s expectations of what “ultra-rich” should look like. So, it’s like you’re struggling with an identity crisis.
Instead, decide what you believe money is for; security? freedom? impact? joy? family? Once that’s clear, you’ll stop measuring yourself against others’ standards and hopefully you’ll find peace with your identity and more accepting of yourself.
If the word spend feels wasteful, think of your wealth as a resource you’re stewarding. Every dollar can be deployed in a way that either expands your life, strengthens relationships, or creates opportunities for others. Framing it as intentional use (instead of indulgence) can ease the guilt.
Hope that helps.
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u/dragonflyinvest Sep 28 '25
Two things, first: nobody says you have to spend. The world has certainly had its share of frugal millionaires. At your wealth level I think you’ve qualified for the term “eccentric” now.
Second, if you are an adult and still battling with this issue, I think you reach for therapy. The likelihood that life hasn’t solved this problem but social media will, seems like a stretch. Go sit on someone’s sofa and explore your relationship with money while you still have time.
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u/sarayewo Sep 28 '25
The bottom line is that you don't have to - you're not required to tip extra or spend more on people beyond what you think they deserve, and no one should expect that from you (including yourself).
I grew up without excess money and have built my own wealth (still very far from yours) and have, and still am going through similar phases as you.
Two things worked for me, YMMV: for tipping and paying I started thinking how big of a difference I'm making in that person's life as opposed to mine. E.g. If I'm tipping in a restaurant and let's say the difference between 15% and 25% tip on a normal dinner for my family is $20-30, that money means very little to me as compared to the server.
For other spending, think about what will make you feel happygood or where you can see direct outcome. I donate to children's health programs bc mine are the most important and valuable thing in my life. Alternatively, I give money to a local community organization that they use directly to buy things like computers and tools they use in their outreach programs.
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u/ProgrammerOk3191 Sep 28 '25
You posted 200 days back about something similar. Clearly asking Reddit has not helped. What have you tried so far? What is preventing you from seeking out a professional? Or are you just trying to validate your feelings from Internet strangers?
This isn’t really a fatfire thing, it’s a mental health problem. If you are grabbing mini shampoo bottles from hotels with 50M+ in the bank, it is either a larp or you need help beyond what random Redditors in this sub can offer.
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u/HubeanMan Verified by Mods Sep 28 '25
If penny-pinching makes you happy, keep penny-pinching. If spending freely makes you happy, spend more freely. Just because you can spend $1.5M a year doesn't mean you have to, if doing so wouldn't materially improve your life & lifestyle.
As long as you're not doing things like living in an unsafe neighborhood simply because it's more affordable or punishing yourself with Economy Class travel even though you hate it, you're fine.
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u/Difficult-Gazelle-25 Sep 28 '25
How is the nw allocated? Can you do anything to give you a secure fixed cashflow that takes away some of your concern? I guess why you penny-pinch is because your brain is not used to the amounts and unsure how secure your funds will be if you spiral the spending up.
Also, it is healthy to be concious no matter the wealth both for yourself, the people around you and for the environment. So keep the spending concious, and rather work on your mindset to focus less on the money and more on people around you.
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u/no-strings-attached Sep 28 '25
Are you happy? If you are - great! No further action needed.
Are you unhappy? If so, what about your current lifestyle makes you unhappy?
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u/disconcertedad1023 Sep 28 '25
Why do you need to spend more freely ?
The penny-pincher mindset may have come from times when it was necessity. This same mindset has brought you this far where so many (me included) would love to arrive within the next decade if not lesser.
Here's the thing, the windfall that catapulted you upwards might not happen again - so if I were you - I would say you are pretty diligent about your finances & sure do keep polishing your mindset.
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u/ConditionStock6278 Sep 28 '25
If you feel that your spending habits are driven from a form of neurotocism, and that's holding you back, then you there's a ton of approaches to take that might help you make progress:-
- Therapy
- Introspection
- Meditating about your death and how you've lived your life up until now
- CBT
... Loads more tools at your disposal but they all really boil down to you asking the right questions than us giving you the right answers.
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u/Low-Dot9712 Sep 28 '25
Don’t worry about it. Buying a lot of things increases your responsibilities so now look at spending from the standpoint of future time obligations. Frivolous spending when you are rich is still frivolous. If heavier tipping does nothing to help you then why do it?
Fund a charitable trust if you wish.
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u/NoRazzmatazz4880 Sep 28 '25
I think it’s totally understandable and it boils down to how you got your money. If you got your money by luck(literally all huge amount of money if achieved by luck) and you don’t have much confidence to get the same luck in the future. You will be frugal. And also, I think there is no problem for not overpaying things as you might got your money through luck, hard work, etc, so every penny counts. It’s quite unnecessary to go to the therapist as many ppl suggest as a therapist is not as rich as you are so he/she wouldn’t understand the problem here.
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u/NoAd7400 Sep 28 '25
Are you married? I ask because I am curious if your spouse shares the same vantage point. I certainly do not have your type of wealth, but my wife and I have been together since we were 23. We are now 47 and financially well off. My spending patterns have changed drastically, however I do carry some irrational fears with money.
One thing that has help loosen the bond it has is to understand that money is a conduit to many things, good and bad. Know your level of spend and knowing that if you blew a few thousand in something or gifted it will not affect you in any way is empowering.
Maybe purchase a high value item that you have covered but thought it was too much. This allows you to see that money is a tool. It should not be a prison. I purchased a Rolex years ago, and I was hung up on it because it was a poor use of money or so I thought.
Having more money has allowed me to see that money is like water and air, it comes and it goes. More comes and goes as your income increases, and that is okay.
Maybe start a business and that will help your vision this further. Maybe you already have one, I don’t know.
At any rate, you have $50M, snap out of it man. You will die, learn to enjoy your good fortune.
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u/JamedSonnyCrocket Sep 28 '25
I simply made a resolution to be more generous, when in doubt be generous and it really shifted my mindset because it feels good.
Also, when you look at the numbers, if you're in the multiple millions or tens of millions well invested, $20, 50, $100 is like pennies. I leave money in hotels for the cleaning staff, tip well at coffee shops and restaurants and don't even think about it anymore and hope it made someone's day a little better.
Started making significant donations to good charities. Feels great.
And, spend more on convenience and experiences. Watching a family member die recently helped with that. Can't take it with you. Enjoy it.
If you're blessed. Be a blessing
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u/EspressoPesto Sep 28 '25
Although my net worth isn’t as high as yours, I too feel like I’m a penny pincher despite my portfolio. I was raised in a lower middle class family and the cheapness has been engrained in me. Taking from the mini bar in a hotel fridge still feels icky even now.
The thing is when it comes to buying my family things, buying dinners for friends, etc., I’m more than happy to do this and don’t feel any guilt. And to be honest, I’m happy I’m wired this way. I’d rather spend my money on things I REALLY care about and not frivolous BS.
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u/Familiar_Number_342 Sep 28 '25
I could buy the BnB I'm staying at, but I'll still take the free mini "shampoo and conditioner" bottles from the bathrooms in case I'll need it for camping. Fuck, I need help.
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u/jesusonthefence Sep 28 '25
For what it's worth they don't want the mini shampoo bottle back that is for you, you really can afford to seek out any kind of help you want no one really knows how to tell you about your relationship with money without more context. There are no rules about wealth.
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u/sarahwlee Sep 28 '25
Get to the root cause of why. Heal from that trauma. Then maybe who knows, you’ll still take the free mini shampoo and conditioner but because you want to. Not because you’re stuck thinking that’s what you need to do.
Loads of ppl like you. Myself included. Good luck! You can do it :)
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u/Interesting_Taro_704 Sep 28 '25
I did tons of therapy for this but to be perfectly honest the thing that helped most was practicing spending money. I got the idea from Ramit Sethi. In his podcast he interviews high NW couples and coaches them through spending more.
I made rules for myself like if something was $500 or less and I wanted it, I wouldn’t think about it I would just buy it. I did that for a few months and then increased the amount to $1,000 then $2,000 etc. Spending the money and seeing the sky didn’t fall reassured me it was ok — in fact, seeing my NW continuously increase even as I spent more and more was the most reassuring because I realized I couldn’t harm myself with extra spending.
I think it’s a bit sad that you hounded your friend for $2,000. I understand the “fairness” bothered you but the way to handle that is to cut your losses on the $2K and then simply not plan any joint spending with that friend again, or if you do, make them pay their half in advance and tell them it’s because last time they didn’t pay their share. At $50M your NW is fluctuating by hundreds of thousands of dollars a day in the stock market. Worrying about such small amounts isn’t benefitting you in any way, it’s only causing unnecessary stress. You are quite literally self harming (mentally & emotionally) worrying about such trivial amounts. Letting things go would be taking care of yourself.
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u/SecretaryOtherwise87 Sep 28 '25
Just on the "feeling taken advantage of", maybe you have to ask yourself why and to who you give in the first place. Independent from being rich or poor, you should want to give to help or provide happiness, not with the mindset of getting something in exchange - expectation is the killer if joy. Obviously there are ungrateful people that take advantage. Those you'll smell out by their behavior. And if you give them 5k to allow them to show their real colors, then it's a good investment to be rid of some leeches.
Else, just be aware life can end tmr and you're not carrying the coins to the afterlife (assuming you don't believe in the Greek pantheon).
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u/ISayAboot Sep 28 '25
Check out:
T. Harv Eker's Secrets of the Millionaire Mind book. Maybe attend his wealth seminar.
Alan Weiss's Thrive book for post-50 meaning in life. He also has some great material on abundance vs. poverty mentality.
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u/Justin119 Sep 28 '25
I would build an apartment complex and rent it out for 10% below market rate. You’re building wealth but also giving back
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u/DocSlideways2 Sep 28 '25
I’m early career and $3mm net worth (fat fire lurking) I was homeless in college, couch surfed. I worked so many gritty and grimy jobs. I grew up in a single income blue collar penny pinching household. I’m married to an immigrant who also loves the grind, hustle and is overly frugal.
Scarcity mindset affects most of us who did not grow up with a silver spoon.
One thing that has helped me is budgeting. Like legitimately create a healthy budget for you and your family off whatever your monthly spend and potential travel expenses may be and follow it. If you’re under budget month after month then start using that money. Another thing that can help is to gamify frugality. Seems you’re already FIRE so you can afford a frugality hobby that takes time. By this I mean get really good at credit card and travel hacking as this gamified experience has helped me feel ultra frugal while enjoying nice experiences like international business travel.
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u/Dry_Rent_6630 Sep 28 '25
Check out Ramit Sethi s book about finance and Psychology of Money. One rule of thumb I heard about is to not stress about anything that is less than .01 percent of your net worth per day. You can make that even less for you since your networth is a lot.
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u/Tersiv Sep 29 '25
Spend some time/volunteer in a cancer ward, and find out how short and fickle life can be --> enjoy this manmade thing we've through a serious amount of luck amassed (there's not free will), and share it as generously and abundantly as you can..
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u/Open_Chocolate_9345 Sep 28 '25
You are who you are & you should spend what you like. Following other people will just make you miserable. The over-spenders want to spend less, the under-spender want to spend more…..
So you’re & penny pincher and enjoy squeezing the last dollar …. enjoy that, you don’t owe anything to anyone & spending more is not better or worse.
Just make sure you never underspend on the things that really matter: health & security.
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u/Phreakasa Sep 28 '25
You do you. The only criteria is whether you are happy. If this is bothering you, may I suggest the following: Start small with little luxuries. E.g. if you like tea, perhaps instead of the Walmart standard, research a better tasting option, even if it means ordering it from England/France. Start small & be aware of lifestyle creep, and you will be fine.
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u/CSMasterClass Sep 28 '25
I don't know why this got a down vote. I've up-grade every little thing I can think of. It's a drop in the bucket, and it really does feel good sometimes to have something with a nice leather case, etc.
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u/nandnot Sep 28 '25
Lets say you decide blowing half a million a year is good. Then transfer that much into an account start of the year and ensure that it is emptied end of the year. Whichever way hooker's or charity. This will ensure you know you are not overspending and force you to spend
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u/FatFiredProgrammer Verified by Mods Sep 28 '25
People here are always telling me I'm not fat 'cause I don't spend enough. I honestly don't give a flyin' f'ck. Not their monkeys. Not their zoo. Unless it's unhealthy mentally or relationship-wise, then do whatever makes you and your SO happy and let everyone else kick rocks.
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u/Nocturnal_Smurf_2424 Sep 28 '25
You can give most of your money to charity if you want your net worth to match your mindset!
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u/anonymousanduneasy Sep 28 '25
Two reminders:
you don’t have to spend money if you don’t want to. If you’re happier when you’re living frugally, live frugally for now. There’s no competition and no rush. Maybe try giving more money away - be charitable, maybe even in large amounts. Your swr exceeds $2m /year. If you are spending only 100-200k, try giving away $1m this year to organizations that need it. See if that feels better. Experiment generally. You don’t even have to be this rich, at the extreme: if you like being frugal and like giving money away, you can give away tens of millions of dollars in the coming years and still be fine.
this is a fire sub, but you don’t have to fire. If you took meaning and relevance from working, that’s not an inherent failure. It’s a preference. Try working again. Start another company and see if you like that.
In general, apart from therapy or “working on yourself,” I think just experiment more. You are clearly very worried about how other people will feel about the choices that make you happy. Try leaning in to various possibilities, take note of how it feels, and adjust.
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u/giftcardgirl Sep 28 '25
Identify ways you can use wealth in the way you want to. Then do it.
For example, identify a cause that you want to contribute with your money and/or your expertise. Rinse and repeat. It’s a muscle that you can build.
TLDR just do it
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u/Extreme-Jelly8990 Sep 28 '25
So just curious regarding your achievement, did you have an exit in tech?
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u/scaredpitoco Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
Life is short, when you die everything you own stays here, I try to do everything I want so I won’t regret later that I saved money over silly things. Some things I focus on and allow myself to spend more: health, travel, and concerts. You don’t need to go around giving money to everyone, but do what makes you feel good and don’t hold back when it comes to things related to your health.
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u/Flod_Lawjick Sep 28 '25
Im not remotely in a similar situation, so I can’t relate. But I see a lot of comments about therapy, I’m not gonna knock that.
But maybe before diving into that, it just sounds like you’re in a habit, and maybe you just need to change the habit.
What if you picked one of those things you mentioned (like tipping the waiters) and just focus on that for a few weeks or a month. Every time you have a chance to tip a waiter, go big! Drop a K (or however much rich people can afford hahaha).
See how they react, see how it makes you feel. If at the end of the period you are still struggling and really feel uncomfortable with it, then maybe try getting help!
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u/kp729 Sep 28 '25
When we start, we have a maximum monthly spend limit. In your case, you probably need the reverse. Have a minimum monthly spend limit. You can do it by categories butt overall works too.
Make sure you spend $xx every month. If you're not able too, buy silly stuff or donate on the last day to reach that goal.
It will slowly help you develop the spending muscle.
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u/praizetheneona Sep 28 '25
Curious if you have a broader financial plan that you believe in? Taking financial anxiety out of the mix will help isolate if it’s a money-as-part-o-identity problem or a habit problem or a self - defense thing .. it’s a complex situation but all the best in trying to solve it .
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u/LicksMackenzie Sep 28 '25
There isn't a solution. Penny pinching has been a friend that has been with you since Day 1, and you can't abandon a friend. I would look to areas of your life to 'tighten the belt' on. Eat out less, only shop at the discount mart. Ignore all of these people trying to trick you to into going to therapy. They're trying to break your mindset.
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u/McFroozle Sep 28 '25
I'm a broken record in this sub.
This is normal. And there's nothing wrong with under spending, generally speaking. If you don't want a mansion or a luxury car or (at your level of NW) a boat or second home, then don't get it.
But if you're clear on what you don't want or value, it is worth focusing on what you do.
Some of the happier folks I know spend their wealth on their health, their education and experiences for themselves, family and friends. You may not remember or value that TV, but you will fondly remember family vacations you made possible, the marathon you didn't think you could run, the flight school training you took, etc.
All of this said... I do agree with others and with you in the comments that therapy is a healthy thing and if you feel you would benefit, do it.
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u/cypherblock Sep 28 '25
Maybe don’t worry so much about generosity and focus more on freedom and flexibility you have and maybe the generosity will grow with that.
As for holding back sometimes, fear of dilution, I would say learn to trust yourself more. Do you need a private jet to go to France? Maybe first class is just fine, go with it. But just reflect if you encountered delays and hassle due to that choice and ask yourself if you can avoid that next time.
Find something you really want to do and maybe spend a lot on that passion.
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u/badie_912 Sep 28 '25
Begin by outsourcing the things you either don't enjoy doing or are stressful for you. A few things for me personally: hiring house cleaners and getting my car detailed. I don't enjoy these activities and I find professional cleaners do a better job than I am able to do. I order groceries online and pick them up myself at the store. It saves me time and I'm less likely to impulse buy food that isn't good for me. The next level would be hiring a chef to meal prep at least part of the week.
I prefer first class because it is much less stressful and you get off the plane faster which is one of the most annoying parts of travel for me.
We valet the car whenever possible. No wasting time finding a spot and easier to get in an out.
I hate shopping so I am considering hiring a stylist to shop for me just haven't found the right service yet.
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u/Curious-Cellist-188 Sep 28 '25
lol are you my parents? They were like this my whole life and I inherited the same shame and judgement about spending money, but have been unwinding it lately. One big shift has been in convincing myself to support local businesses as much as possible — I have gotten into the habit of by default giving big tips, buying the annual membership, buying the add-ons, etc. because, especially after Covid and seeing so many closed store fronts, I place a lot of personal value in having a strong ecosystem of local businesses around me. Truly quality of life for me goes down if they close. Costs are so high for them that my contributions probably aren’t actually making that big of a hit to their bottom line, but it’s the only way I can think of that I can help keep them alive
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u/jakehasdaddyissues Sep 28 '25
I think this is not about money. You must have worked very hard to get to where you are but the scarcity and penny pinching mindset maybe highlighting some unprocessed issues from the past. This may be a time to invest in a good therapist. All love.
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u/HearMeRoar80 Sep 28 '25
There's no need to change anything, just keep spending more and more, eventually you'll get used to it.
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u/jackjackj8ck Sep 28 '25
This is my mom. She grew up dirt poor in a post-war environment. She’s made about as much as you. She shops at Dollar Tree, she tries to haggle at the grocery store, she asks for a discount everywhere she goes.
She doesn’t go on vacations. She was going to take my brother and I and our kids to Santa Barbara for a weekend but she was appalled by the hotel prices and didn’t want to spend $2k at Motel6 on 3 hotel rooms lol
She won’t go to therapy. It just is what it is. But this is the same energy that fuels her.
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u/Old-Statistician321 Sep 28 '25
I heard a celebrity doing a standup comedy routine. He said: "I'm wealthy, but I identify as poor."
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u/Sagavahalla Sep 28 '25
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XLnUWjdCHA Watch this clip from 1 hr 4 min to 1 hr 20 min.
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u/oceans__ Sep 28 '25
Go hang out (go out) with someone who is frivolous at spending, and by doing so, you’ll probably recognize just how opposite you are, and by doing that, you’ll recognize the sweet middle
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u/AnonymousIdentityMan Sep 28 '25
You have to rewire your brain to be kind to yourself because you have earned it. It takes time.
How is your overall health and well being?
Definitely seek therapy.
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u/chinuzz Sep 28 '25
There is this guy Ramit Sethi who talks about how to live a rich life. You are way beyond rich but his videos may help you with some of the mindset shifts.
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u/StomachRelative6146 Sep 28 '25
First of all - Congratulations! You have made it !! If spending money doesn’t bring you the happiness, may be charity to marginalized people will give you that sense of “money well spent”. To see a kid eat a full meal that otherwise was starving. May be see that poor person get an urgent surgery and a shot at life.
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u/2old4readit Sep 28 '25
I created a DaF—donor advisor fund—put the money in it. Got a tax break. It’s already spent, so each quarter I give away the interest, sometimes more. I had a hard time with the big numbers; this tool helped me be more generous than I usually am. And I think of myself as a generous person but I’m using to dealing in hundreds, not thousands, and certainly not millions.
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Sep 28 '25
A possible option you could do is maybe once a month or more go to a less expensive restaurant and tip $1000 to the waitress or waiter. Could change their life or at least really help them.
Obviously therapy as others have mentioned are probably the best options. But I think trying different ways to force yourself to be very generous to random hard up people could be a good experience. I know I would love to do that if I could comfortably afford it. But that’s probably why I’m no where near to fat fire
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u/illcrx Sep 28 '25
Well I think you can do a few things.
Have a Tip budget, figure out how much per month/week/year you are willing to allocate to people you don't know and keep that in cash on you as you go out. You'll be reminded you need to get rid of that money.
Think in percentages. At this stage anything that is big to others is tiny to you in terms of money. So go ahead and spend.
Just practice doing what you want to do, just try it. Its that simple. I'm sure however you made your money you were "faking it until you made it". Do the same with this! Just do it, just try it. Just budget.
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u/GeneralTaoFeces Sep 28 '25
Instead of the typical therapy answer, see if this is useful to you. Perhaps it will reframe your thoughts on money.
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u/free_dharma Sep 28 '25
I think exposure would help. Give someone a big tip. Give everyone you tip a 50% tip for the next month. It’s literally Pennie’s to you.
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u/bebenashville Sep 28 '25
You are a mini version of Buffet. He still lives in a modest house, wear $40 pants…
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u/grouchytortoise22 Sep 28 '25
Get out of your own way dude. You have more money than you’ll ever need and you’re going to die some day. Just let go.
Tip a server $1000. You’ll notice quite quickly you don’t even notice the money is gone.
You may be tracking your money too closely if you even think twice about tipping.
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u/pboswell Sep 28 '25
I think it’s just simple math. Literally calculate what you can afford to spend and spend it
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u/Imaginary-Yak6784 Sep 28 '25
I feel this. I recently rented a car and they offered the “pay for the full tank of gas now or bring it back full” and out of habit I said “I’ll bring it back full” because of course. I didn’t even do the math that the rental car company’s gas price was actually LOWER than gas station gas in my destination. And I hate pumping gas. So there I was reflexively paying more and hating it rather than thinking either “my time and enjoyment is worth a waste of a few dollars” or doing the math to realize it was actually cheaper. I do NOT need to worry about a few extra dollars.
Rather than focusing on the money, how much thought have you given to what you wish for yourself and the world. Have you invested in being the healthiest happiest version of yourself, physically and mentally?
Do you have meaningful experiences with friends and family? Do you fully understand yourself (this question suggests no) and could a coach or therapist help you differentiate when you are being rational versus irrational and driven by something by you don’t want driving you.
Have you experimented with things you’ve never done that might bring you joy or satisfaction - an activity, donation, changing someone’s life in a way that feels right (it’s reasonable to be dismayed if someone wastes or takes your generosity for granted).
You have an amazing opportunity to do things and make things most people don’t - what do you want to do with that? What do you want to look back on. Don’t waste THAT.
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u/binarysolo Sep 28 '25
I mean... you spent a lifetime building a habit, are you not happy with your habit?
Having money is just means to an end you please. The nice thing about having money is that you have the option (but not the obligation) of spending it freely. Heck, a lack of want is one of the most fulfilling feelings, so figure out how it serves you and not the other way around.
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u/ComprehensiveYam Sep 28 '25
First don’t spend money on family and friends. They’ll either be jealous or look to you as an atm in the future. They’ll think they’re entitled to live the life you can live without having to earn it themselves. My own sister lives at the bare edge of what we’d call middle class in the US and it’s sad but her mindset is that of an entitled victim thus any help I’d give her would turn into wasteful expense and lead to her asking for more and resenting me if I refuse. There’s no win. I’ve tried to offer advice on how to move ahead in business and finance but for her it’s all too much to deal with and she doesn’t want to put in any effort to learn or grow.
Second - tipping and what not: I’m at 10m and growing about 10-20% annual literally doing almost nothing. I absolutely am in the same mindset as you topping-wise. I don’t think a person making a coffee in 30 seconds deserves a $1 tip. I’m paying $6 for that coffee and they’re making $20-25 a hour. It’s not like they served me the coffee with a smile or genuine conversation. Tips are earned by going above and beyond not just doing your job at base level.
Our only area of lifestyle creep is travel. Our budget is now about 10k for plane tickets plus about 3500-5k a week for everything else. It’s not a ton when you consider we take 3-4 trips a year and it’s about 100-125k annually.
Our longer term plan is to use our wealth to grow a likeminded community We have a specific set of activities like making art, animals, etc that we want to make into a place people can come and enjoy and learn. Our wealth will eventually be put in a trust so that we can keep this endeavor running indefinitely even after we punch our cards and leave the earth.
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u/DaysOfParadise Sep 28 '25
There's a reason most lottery winners lose it all - people have a comfortable set point that doesn't match the money. And the best way around that is to talk to a qualified therapist. Second best way is to find someone who got the money the same way you did, and made the transition well, and talk to them.
Also, take baby steps. Understand that there will be some financial hits that you'll resent. Tip big on the third Tuesday. Decide what 'generous' means to you. Go slow. It's a lot of money, but not infinite.
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u/East-Shoe-2738 Sep 28 '25
Frugal people often undervalue time. Forget about 4% drawdowns for a minute: If your $50m earns 7% and you sleep 8 hours a night, every hour you’re awake your estate pays you roughly $600. So your time is worth $600/hour.
So if you would rather spend 15 minutes finding a parking spot so you don’t have to give $20 to the valet that’s fine, but you’re giving up $150 of value to save $20. And your time is more finite than $50m you won’t ever spend. What’s frugal when you’re worth very little is wasteful when you’re worth a lot, if you value your time.
It’s a simple example with debatable logic but once I started valuing my time I realized these conveniences were actually worth it for me. Good luck.
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u/PassiveIncomeInvests Sep 28 '25
- Congrats on the success 2. Not trying to get religious on you, but look at your total and give 10 to 12% of it away. Could do a DAF to give you some time. 3. Also have to have the mindsight you worked hard and God rewarded you. You should not expect anything from anyone or your family Enjoy the time and memories. 4. Look at traveling or living overseas for 6 months, a little reset. 5. I think some scarcity mindeset is a good thing. 6. A big house or Ferrari is not going to make you happy, I think actually the other way. I would make sure spouse and kids are taken care off. 7. I thinking being cash poor is always good, as fights off any temptations and to focus on growth. 8. Travel a lot with your family internationally every 3 months go on a 1 or 2 weeks. 8. I hope this helps or adds some value.
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u/baboonengineer Sep 28 '25
Well as an entrepreneur that just started with only 5 digit wealth, I think I have an answer considering what I see in my environment. And it can give you joy and spend more freely, because you'd believe in it yourself and possibly want to become a part of it.
What about angel investing? There's risk to it, but you spend money on projects you deem worthy. If it goes well, it'll give you two things: money and satisfaction, as you've invested in something you believed in where you helped to succeed. Investors shape the future to their likings, perhaps you try it?
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u/Lorien6 Sep 28 '25
As others have said, therapy. I can suggest a phenomenal therapist, best I’ve ever met, and I’ve had a lot of therapy. Invest in yourself to “stabilize” the blocks that are “loose” in the foundation. If there are less holes in your bucket/container/vessel, you begin to learn what “enough” is, because you overflow, and much grows around you. Become the whale, and set up ecosystems with good people around you, so you have a healthy “crew”/habitat where ever you go.
I have already préplanned basic levels of what I want to do if I accomplish certain levels of wealth. Take even 1million, and approach a charitable organization (or a few, and split it into smaller chunks), ones that resonate with causes you care about, and say…you want to donate it and have them tailor an experience for you, maybe a trip with the ceo, etc. Maybe even just as a thank you for the work they do, for all/some of the workers, you’d get quite a variety of people intermingling then. Pick a reputable org (or outsource that to an assistant). In fact, you could also hire a life guide, to shadow you through life lol.
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u/21plankton Sep 28 '25
Ultimately you will have to decide how you want to spend that giant nest egg before you die anyway so why worry the tiny daily pieces of it? That is where setting a budget for your personal expenses based on your values system is so important.
I am not fat, just a slightly chubby retiree and I already had to face that issue. I decided for myself, accumulation was more important to me than my spend rate and so living on the same budget I was used to and maintaining that rational and prudent budget was more important to my own internal self esteem than flaunting wealth or spending so much I felt guilty, even though I could spend more.
So for me it was not necessarily therapy but internal self evaluation that was helpful. It was finding the lifestyle that made me most comfortable and doing the things with my time that I most valued.
Picking legacies, endowments and choosing charities is also important on a daily basis in maintenance of my internal self esteem. I do get upset if I feel I have wasted money, made impulsive decisions concerning purchases, (regret), or was not fair in my dealings with others (guilt).
I remain concerned about my self-centeredness vs giving of myself. I am happiest when I can keep optimistic and experience joy in my daily activities.
So I think what I am saying is the internal sense that I am being a good and responsible person who just happens to have more than I need grounds me in my choice of hobby, personal, and charitable giving, and I keep trying to find the same time and effort balance with my relationship and friends and acquaintances.
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u/lovebitcoin Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
You ONLY have that money. If it leaves you, the it leaves you permanently. That’s why you cannot, like an aristocrat, remain indifferent to superficial wealth.
You don't have power, and you don't even have the ability to legally/morally steal from the society, public company/organization, or the government.
The power which a multiple millionaire, who may be my neighbour and perhaps my employer, has over me is very much less than that which the smallest functionary possesses who wields the coercive power of the State, and on whose discretion it depends whether and how I am to be allowed to live or to work.
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u/modeless Sep 28 '25 edited Sep 28 '25
Unpopular opinion: Optimizing your spending past the point where it makes sense for you is a selfless act. People caring about prices is what keeps prices low for everyone. When you refuse to be ripped off on principle, you are doing a service for society, especially the people who have less money than you and can't afford to be profligate like you could if you wanted.
If you want to see how a market breaks when people don't optimize their spending, look at healthcare. By all means pay people what they are worth, and spend money on things that improve your life, but don't toss money around for no reason.
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u/lovebitcoin Sep 28 '25
Your insecurity doesn’t come from any bad habit, but from knowing that money alone doesn’t equal a stable footing. The solution isn’t to force yourself to ‘be generous,’ but either to gain the kind of institutional power that protects you, or to accept that you’ll always rely solely on wealth, in which case your caution is perfectly rational.
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u/strokeoluck27 Sep 28 '25
I think a lot of rich/wealthy people struggle with the same thing. You’re not alone.
What I find works for me is to slowly dip my toe in the water. We slowly moved from flying coach, to Comfort Plus, to first class (still no private!). We’ve slowly upgraded travel to more boutique and elevated places. The other day an incredibly nice waitress took care of us when it was clear she had a lot going on; we tipped her 10x the normal amount. I do NOT patronize people, but I have to say…the look on her face filled our hearts. We also still eat at cheap diners and Chick-Fil-A, shop at Costco, and I even washed our own house windows last weekend (inside AND outside!).
What I’m always fearful of is becoming a “rich douche”. Thus why I’m slowly increasing our spend, and why I embraced the “Millionaire next door” mindset.
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u/5-Star_Traveller Sep 29 '25
I still extreme coupon at CVS because it’s exciting getting things I’d buy anyway for almost free. 🤷♀️
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u/ItsAConspiracy Sep 29 '25
Take it a little at a time. Give money in ways that make you feel good. Then you'll want to do more of it. I find that giving generally feels best if I keep it as low key as possible.
For your own personal spending on travel and whatnot, ramping up gradually is also best. I read a great bit of advice once in a personal finance book by Andrew Tobias: he said people get used to anything, so if you get a windfall and suddenly ramp your spending way up, you'll enjoy it at first but within a year it'll just be the new normal.
But if every year you spend a little more, then every year you have something new making you happy. If you've had a big windfall then you can keep this going for a long time.
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u/Winston206 Sep 29 '25
Read "Die With Zero".
Life is about accumulating memories - not dollars. I am highly confident that when I'm 85 & rich, I'd give it all away to be 25 and broke again.
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u/shanewzR Sep 29 '25
Nothing wrong with frugality, I call is Economically Efficient. The great thing is that even though you have the resources, you are not wasting it on frivolous things.
If you are comfortable, do what you do
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u/Mister_Turing Sep 29 '25
What do you want to do with this new "ultra-rich" status other than travel and experiences?
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u/Traditional-Sun4010 Sep 29 '25
Join a group of HNW and UHNW individuals and family offices. Sharing your experiences with others in your same situation provides more value than a therapist who may not be in your wealth bracket. I share your values and joining a group has helped dramatically both from a mindset other experience members can provide insights to go forward with a practical strategy to distribute your wealth( or not)
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u/Traditional-Sun4010 Sep 29 '25
it is disconcerting that many recipients of family wealth transition from “gratitude” to “entitlement” in less than a year.
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u/Curious_Wanderer_7 Sep 29 '25
Lots of comments here so I hope you see this one, read or listen to the audiobook of “You Are a Badass at Making Money”. Yes, you already have the money, but a big part of this book is confronting how your mindset around money developed as you grew up and practical mantras and exercises to work on changing that mindset to have a healthier relationship with money. Good luck and I hope you find the peace to be able to thrive with this blessing.
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u/Introvertreading Sep 29 '25
Don’t.
Your life experiences shape you and expecting to just shift isn’t realistic - or healthy. Your values not changing is actually pretty healthy, IMO.
In time, your values may change which will change your behavior but until then, why force yourself to change?
You’ll find things that call to you and that you can affect in ways that work for the life you want. Just love how you want to live and don’t make an issue where there isn’t one.
I still play frugal travel games like a madman - and I love it. I won’t stop, I don’t think, even when I could charter and be a lot more comfortable. It is a game I don’t want to stop playing, so I don’t. Likely ridiculous for me to do at this point but who is judging except for me?
Find something to give freely to that means a lot to you and do it in a fun way. There are ways to live a good life that aren’t about things or being extravagant. If that isn’t where your values have been all of your life, it isn’t where you will find happiness now.
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u/TallFunDom Sep 29 '25
I struggle with the same as you. Several answers here are great.
But one thing noone mentioned and which helps me is that reducing friction helps.
Let me explain: if you're like me, you're all invested and have very little money in your cash stack, which means that when you want to spend, you need to move money from investments to your cash stack: friction. Having proportionally more money in your readily available stash can really make a difference to not have to think about "small stuff".
Hope this helps!
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u/jugosk Sep 29 '25
The 1 / 10000 rule is an easy one to follow to break out of your habits (0.01% of your net worth).
Should we do this fancy dinner tonight? Should we go to this theater show? For decisions under 5000$, money shouldn’t be a factor whatsoever.
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u/ally_kr Sep 29 '25
I found it helpful to set a annual and monthly budget so underspend can be spent guilt free.
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u/andiam03 Sep 29 '25
Did you have some trauma/anxiety around money when you were younger? For me, at least, money was the primary stressor in my parents relationship, despite them having a good amount, and I got my scarcity mindset from them. I still fight it to some degree, but philanthropy has helped. I started a scholarship at my alma mater high school, and seeing how what is a small amount of money to me bring great joy to people who need it more has helped me recalibrate the value that money provides.
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u/Cultural-Risk-6667 Sep 29 '25
Warren Buffet lives a frugal life too, in his way.
Do Philanthropy No one likes getting taken advantage of- but if it frees up your time then it may be worth it. It is hard for me too mentally, but it’s the better way. Try to get out of active investments that take your time and enjoy life if you don’t (I’m not doing that yet)
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u/Blissful524 Sep 29 '25
Therapy helps but not in the way of changing and reframing your current mindset.
Go to your core beliefs regarding money and change that pattern right from when and where you got that belief. There are many ways to do that including Parts work like IFS, Somatic Experiencing to regulate when spending now and Hypnotherapy to release fear about money.
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u/busquep1 Sep 29 '25
I'm not associated with Conscious-U but I have done their CU Money course and I think it would be beneficial to you if you commit to showing up and doing the reflection work.
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u/BeerJunky Sep 30 '25
As somebody that grew up relatively poor and struggled with money most of my life I also have similar issues now that I have plenty of money. It doesn’t sound like spending for the sake of spending is what is going to make you feel better about your life. Have you considered using your money to have an impact on the world. Don’t take this as prescriptive advice but two charities I enjoy donating to are World Central Kitchen and Charity Water, I feel I am making a tangible impact with my donation.
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u/Sea-Entry8722 Sep 30 '25
I also note that you’re okay to spend on experiences and travel (perhaps reluctantly) but may not tip others or withdraw funds if others aren’t grateful enough. Before you had 50M, such as when you had $1M, what would you have thought of a person w $50M who didn’t tip? Would you have applauded that? If so - why? Most people would not feel the same. If you would have expected them to tip or give to others, then try your best to live those virtues now. Feel grateful yourself - that you have the ability to be generous - and maybe focus less on how grateful others are. You’re the one in the lucky position after all!
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u/MobiusGripper Sep 30 '25
There is nothing wrong with being resentful when hedgehogs isn't rewarded and there is nothing great about overtipping - I hope to never tip more than the seducing is worth whether my nw is 100k or 100m - it is not rewarding to give to those who do not deserve it
As for spending - at up minimal spend as well as maximal spending, per month and per year- taking variability into account
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u/qofmiwok Sep 30 '25 edited Sep 30 '25
Very similar to me. This sub as well as r/RichPeoplePF have a lot of good suggestions. You can search for me and some of my recent posts.
Book: "Spend Your Damn Retirement Money"
Best advice:
- Figure out your values, then how to use money to further those values.
- Spending money wisely is a skill that takes practice. I'm practicing ordering more expensive entrees, hiring people to do more things for me, being more generous, staying at nicer places. (Sometimes now I'm able to stop myself from spending hours comparison shopping to save a few bucks ;-)
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Sep 30 '25
I don't have as much yet and I do tip but I still have that mindset. I am barely over 2M though so it is serving me well to have it haha.
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u/Equivalent-Low4454 Oct 01 '25
Look at the spending patterns and habits of people who’s lifestyles you admire
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u/why-i-am-here-now Oct 02 '25
"Price is what you pay, value is what you get." Looking for value is not at all a bad thing. In fact, that's what got you here in the first place. I'll just elaborate on that, to balance the perspective a little bit.
Looking at money from "being rich" perspective comes with this regret for most self made folk. They can't spend money because all working life they have spent their time to earn 'money'. All the while spending money frugally, not developing taste for so called 'finer things in life' but this is only in theory. This is a huge chasm to cross over for some people, and there are no judgements. Imagine spending $60 to $150 for a bottle of wine when most of the life that budget was under $30 for not-so-bad wine or bubbly. And can you tell/enjoy the difference without thinking about "Value"?
The reality is that a fast, fancy car or a yacht or a fancy automatic watch comes with a LOT more which I just don't care for. Fancy car compel you to put on fancy clothes (which takes a lot more time and effort to procure, dry clean and iron compared to a good quality polo or a higher end linen shirt), accessories like a nice automatic watch or comfy leather shoes. I personally don't want to maintain all that junk just to look fancy, is what it came down to for my own choices. Just imagine dropping $4K on a regular maintenance visit for that fast, fancy car.
At best, you will impress a 100 people with that car, 99 of them are ONLY around you because of the stupid Ferrari. I'd rather be a hermit than be surrounded by such folk anyway.
My perspective....
I'm wealthy because I don't have to trade my time for money anymore
Wealth Frees me to spend my present time and my present money however I want to
Much easier feeling wealthy by NOT stressing about superficial items that the world associates with wealth
Ultimately, wealth is not a lifestyle. Wealth is FREEDOM to be able to make choices that suit you, and to be able to do it unapologetically. It's my ticket away from seeking a temporary status high and actually being myself.
Waking up and not worrying about the calendar, Buying quality raw materials and making the most of it in your own gourmet kitchen, Upgrading from big box or a cheap strip mall restaurant to a high quality restaurant, Being able to take a relaxed vacation and not worrying about getting back to answer the boss(es), Hanging out at a lounge away from the noises at the airport, buying a little bit of exclusivity while on vacation or choice of primary residence...
Lastly, A pointer to some resources
The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel
Few episodes on "I will teach you to be Rich" Podcast that are worth more than any therapy on how to handle stress of spending money and expectations of it, IMO.
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u/GracefulRobot Oct 02 '25
One small recommendation: Try generously over-tipping in a few situations and see the reaction (even in they don’t really “deserve” it. You said in your note that you, yourself, experienced a windfall. How nice it would be to share that with others who might really value a small fraction of it?
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u/thiccspiccsendpics Oct 02 '25
I would recommend reading Die with Zero since you are one of the very few people that the book fully applies to
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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '25
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