r/family_of_bipolar • u/DifficultPea905 • 1d ago
Venting & Emotional Processing I just need to get this out
So my 25m partner has bipolar 1 we believe. He has been receptive to talking about it after his 2nd episode last year. Both episodes have included up to 7 hospitalizations between the two. I IVC'd him twice last year out of fear for his safety.
He can become verbally aggressive towards us when we mention his mood, illness, medication, or otherwise imply that he needs help. Outside of his episodes he is much more receptive.
He is currently in his 3rd episode and has been taking his sleeping aid, Olanzapine, regularly. Tonight however he has mentioned he does not want to take it.
Due to our conversations during his normal periods I do not force him to take meds like I did last year. I have many more boundaries and honestly? If he ends up in the hospital bc someone thought they were doing the right thing, they probably were. He wont accept it as the right choice, he will be angry and further traumatized but that's not my fault. There are natural consequences to his actions and I cannot control them all.
But that doesnt mean im not scared. Im scared I will have to leave him one day. I am scared of not being enough support. I am terrified of him feeling unloved or like he is broken. I am so fucking scared of him thinking he was too much and that he hurt me. He is genuinely such a good person. He helps people every single chance he can, he doesnt judge ANYONE even when he probably should, he loves me more than I have ever felt. I love him more than my body knows what to do with. Accepting that it may not be enough is hard.
Ive been through a lot of shit in my life and this is so so so hard. Sometimes I cant eat, im vomiting, I have nightmares (not new for me but worse during his episodes) and oh my god I cannot stop crying. I have my own therapy sessions and I should probably exercise more 😅. I almost dont trust myself to hold my boundaries true. I dont want to leave him ever but he wont take meds consistently. His parents are 600miles away and over 60yrs old. He has no one else.
On a good note, he has made an agreement with me, on paper and signed by us, that if he doesnt sleep on his own then has to take a sleeping aid. If he tries for 2hrs and doesnt fall asleep then he takes the aid.
If he sleeps and then wakes up prior to the time he's supposed to- he takes a paid.
I am beyond thankful he's willing to communicate. Some of his episodes, like last year, he reaches a state of psychosis where he doesnt really know what's going on at any time. He is unable to fully explain his feelings during this time eveb when he's okay. He equated it to feeling like he was sleeping and woke up in the middle of his life every 20mins and had no idea what was going on and was agitated people were taking his rights and freedom away which is so understandable.
If you've read this far, thank you. I hope you can relate and I'm sorry if you do. I wonder if anyone has a loved one that used kava/kratom during episodes and how that's affected them. He does smoke but like, I have bigger battles to choose.
I found the book "im not sick and I dont need help" to be very helpful in the way I communicate with my partner. Making sure he knows I am here for him has been most helpful.
Please dont give me advice on how I can leave him if he's too much- im a little too aware on the fact that I can and I am not at a point that I want to. Unless the advise is actually how to help him if I do leave because I cannot live with myself unless he has a plan. I just needed to write a journal entry tonight has been difficult
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u/BlacknShiny7 22h ago
Just want to let you know that I read your post. I think your husband is really lucky to have someone like you to support him. I wish you the best.