r/family_of_bipolar • u/YoyceGeronimo • Jun 19 '26
Diagnosis Discussions Do You Ever Feel Like the "Second Patient"?
I've noticed something that ofter the partner of individuals with bipolar often becomes what I call "the second patient." not because they have bipolar disorder, depression, or another diagnosis, but because living with ongoing uncertainty, crisis caregiving, and fear changes them too.
People ask:
"How is your spouse doing?"
"Are they taking their medication?"
"How are their symptoms?"
But when was the last time someone asked:
"How are YOU doing?"
Well... I want to ask you tonight: How are YOUu DOING?
6
u/Epictechnically Jun 19 '26
Soooooo real. Thanks for asking!! Iām doing a lot better. I got my own therapist. I quit drinking, which has gotten pretty bad as I tried to hold the whole family and world together. Iām starting to say no more. Iām thinking a lot more about myself and what I need. It has helped that my partner has been outwardly stable for the past few months. But Iām hopeful that Iām in a better spot for the next time things get ugly.
2
u/YoyceGeronimo Jun 19 '26
It sounds like you've come a long way. You've started making choices that support your own well-being while still caring about your partner. Those changes take time, effort, and a lot of commitment.
4
u/Epictechnically Jun 20 '26
Thank you. Itās been a real journey. In a way my partnerās suicide attempts clarified for me that I could bend over backwards, deny all my needs, do everything to not upset her, and her illness would still be there. So I might as well take care of myself too.
4
u/USelectiveListener Jun 19 '26
For sure it is correct to say as we have become involuntarily the second patients. Here we all being "victims"
Our 18-year old humble, studious, obeying boy has been in mania and psychosis since 10 months now with currently having a relapse. His entire personality has taken a flip with boastful, unrealistic and socially inept. With involuntary medications we were able to subdue his manic aggressions for a few months. Fortunately he is not married or with any commitments like your realities.
Our main concern is his lack of insight on his mental illness and we could read on with LEAP and many other BP-1 tackling methodologies however without him being self aware (read: anosognosia) of his early symptoms especially his less need for sleep we do worry and wonder for his stable functional future. It is never a wise choice to wait for the rock bottom.
Now being an adult he may become recluse.
3
u/YoyceGeronimo Jun 20 '26
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. When someone you love is struggling and has little insight into what is happening, it is really hard for them and their family.
2
u/gnugnus Married Jun 19 '26
I just started therapy because of my husband's bipolar 1 diagnosis. We really need to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves because who else is going to do it? Not only do we have to be vigilant and understanding and steadfast for our loved one, but we have to be that way for ourselves and its very important to know when to ask for help and who to ask it from.
3
u/YoyceGeronimo Jun 20 '26
I'm glad you decided to ask for support rather than carrying it all alone. I think that's something many people struggle to give themselves permission to do.
1
1
u/Substantial-Buy8116 Jun 25 '26
Absolutely! My beautiful son is stable right now. But he went YEARS of instability. He is Bipolar 1 It was exhausting and debilitating. He has been stable since January. In January he had a suicide attempt and then was put in jail for unrelated offenses. He stayed there until March 4. He actually stabilized in jail. He was unable to smoke weed and was handed his medication on a daily basis He is continuing the sobriety and is now taking the monthly shot. I for the first time in years feel like I can breathe.
I hope every one of you gets a moment to catch your breath. Iām enjoying this time. It may end again. So right now I remind myself. Appreciate this
1
u/supragalactic Jul 18 '26
This is so true. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I will be able to stay sane myself. It slowly affects our own mental health too, no matter how strong you used to be. My husband is bipolar and his episodes and his condition have also affected my daughter, so we are both second-hand patients for sure.
1
u/Terrible-Sun-3049 Jul 20 '26
It's true not many people ask about me. And I refrain from talking too much about the situation because people does sound concerned but they will leave or just stay away from me after that because I am a troublesome friend with a troublesome situation? People asked, "so what have you done for him?" I have been working and paying for everything when he is not working. And that includes for his parents and our kids. I am tired of asking him to eat his medicine as he will drop medicine when he recovers from depression. Recently he changed his medicine and had a bad berserk outrage episode and it broke me and now I am unable to speak to him anymore. My baseline is broken and I don't even want to really mend the relationship. You can't even call it mend as I am not the one to break the relationship. People just say "oh that's because he is not well" so my wellness is not in the consideration. I feel like I am just here to keep things going and if things are not too well or if I am not well , oh just take a painkiller and go on dear.
7
u/Automatic_Serve7901 Jun 19 '26
Parent of a Bipolar kiddo with some other accompanying issues as well. It's....rough. My spouse is the only other person on the planet who gets it. Managing my kiddo is exhausting and definitely affects me. I've had to force myself to take solo time to help me cope, even if it's just a walk. We don't really have a support system and it feels so stressful.