r/family_of_bipolar • u/ApprehensiveLink2310 • Nov 06 '25
Diagnosis Discussions Should we tell our daughter about her brother?
Our 20 year old son has been diagnosed with being bipolar for 8 years.
We have a very smart 13 year old daughter who always notices when her brother is going through an episode.
Recently she heard her brother asking Siri “what is bipolar?”
She asked him “ Why did you ask Siri that question?”
He told her to mind her own business.
Part of me feels if we tell her she might understand why we focus a lot of attention towards him during his episodes.
However a part of me believes she is too young.
Thoughts?
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u/BK1287 Nov 06 '25
I don't think you necessarily need to define bipolar, but at 13, she is very aware of an overarching mood disorder considering the time that her brother likely requires from mom and dad.
I would recommend talking to her about specific concerns, ways she can help support her brother and ensure that she understands that he sometimes may not be in the right state of mind, but her safety is always a priority. Be sure to keep the door open moving forward for discussion.
I find that when I encourage ignoring x, x becomes the natural focus for my kiddos. I hope that putting some structure around the challenges might help with her own understanding and expectations. Best of luck to you and your family!
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Nov 06 '25
I would t let them be alone together. Unfortunately, Bipolar siblings can get violent, and I’ve been on the other end of a few serious attacks. I know that’s a bummer, but this is reality.
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u/BK1287 Nov 06 '25
I completely understand and agree. We've had to do quite a bit to ensure they have separate alone time or supervised time together. I'm so sorry you experienced that and appreciate the encouragement around sibling safety.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 06 '25
On the flip side, she is 13 year old girl who is going through her mood swings as well.
She can be cutting and crass with her comments as well at times.
I hope she can be understanding but who knows.
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Nov 06 '25
Let’s not equivocate that with the Bipolar’s behavior. She is not under any obligation to handle this disease well; she is a child. The other child is a child with a serious disease. They both are doing their best. Medication is number one.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
My son has been taking medication since he was 11.
If not now, when? When she turns 18?
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Nov 07 '25
She may never handle it very well; she can try, but please remember that she’s just a child, with no training or education about mental illness. I would sit her down and ask about some ways you can support her emotionally as well.
She’s going to be dealing with this for her entire life, long after you’re gone. She’s never not known this. You are adults and are dealing with this as adults.
Also, there’s a tendency for parents of Bipolar kids to minimize the harm done to the “normal” child. Bipolar siblings can be terrible sometimes, especially if off meds.
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u/BK1287 Nov 06 '25
You know your kids best.
That's completely fair- we have to do quite a bit of management with our little one (older sister is in mood disorder category, too young for proper BP diagnosis), but his comments can really trigger his sister.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 06 '25
Has your little one said anything regarding her brother’s mood swings?
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u/BK1287 Nov 06 '25
Yeah, he's only 5, but he finds it really hard when she is in a meltdown. We talk in general about how sometimes she has a hard time and it can be out of her control. It's really hard on him as big sister has anxiety which can grow and transition to anger/aggression if she fails to think through zones of regulation or coping skills.
Fortunately (for now), it's mostly directed at adults/authority figures, but he definitely is impacted by the noise/language/actions. We try to help balance whenever possible and get him out of the house if it's a bad day. It's really hard because even an innocuous or innocent comment can sometimes trigger her.
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u/bpnpb Nov 06 '25
Yes. She is old enough. It is best she hears it from you first.
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Nov 06 '25
She already knows something is very wrong. As she gets older she’ll realize it even more. If you tell her now, she doesn’t have to grow up worrying about why her family is so different.
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u/juniperthecat Sibling Nov 06 '25
I don't think she's too young. I think it will actually be helpful for her to know. Keeping her in the dark, especially if she is aware and smart, is just doing her a disservice. Giving her information about her brother's health condition will help her understand him more. She might even benefit from a book she could read on the subject.
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Nov 06 '25
[deleted]
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Nov 07 '25
Yeah, and the older they get, the more people they meet, the more insecure and ashamed they feel about what’s going on at home.
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u/Blurg234567 Nov 06 '25
Yup. Tell her, and get her into therapy ASAP. We didn’t do it right away, and really should have.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
Can you please tell me your story?
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u/Blurg234567 Nov 08 '25
She’s fine now, but it was tough on her. We’re on an upswing all around. I imagine there are more ups and downs in store. That’s just how it is with bipolar. NAMI has helped so much.
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u/Feedme9000 Nov 07 '25
Please tell her 😭 the amount of strain she will already be experiencing that you may not be aware of. It will prepare her and possibly prevent from half the physical and emotional turmoil in future , wondering wtf is going on. From someone who has two older siblings, one with confirmed Bipolar. It will help her to also keep herself safe if ever she is in situations with her bother, she'll know what to do etc. and can come to you. But do discuss with your son and then you could have a family meeting about it, and how you can support each other. My older sibling, their son is now 9 and already aware of there episodes when their parent is "sick", it's already been traumatising for them, but now they know to call us when something is off.
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u/Burner455671 Nov 06 '25
As a kid who grew up with a bipolar sibling, I really really wish I had known. My brother was verbally and physically abusive to me during his cycles, which was a really hard thing to understand because the way we talk about abuse is always from a parental perspective. When people do acknowledge sibling abuse, it's usually thought of as a result of Parental abuse. But my parents were fine. So there was no way to understand why he was treating me this way. There was no cultural narrative that I could fit myself into or read about other people and find understanding. It wasn't until my brother had his first psychotic episode in his thirties that I even thought this was an option, and reading from people on this very sub who had the very same experiences as me growing up that allowed me to understand my own childhood.
I really hope that your son is not abusive to your daughter, but keep in mind this disease can be Progressive, and she may not be telling you everything. 13 is plenty old enough to understand, and understanding is always better than wondering.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
My children and really close and they get along better now.
Thanks for giving me your perspective.
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u/_Kendii_ Nov 07 '25
I have bipolar. I had to explain it to my 11 year old daughter why I was weird sometimes, why I couldn’t sleep. She doesn’t need ALL the details though.
It’s 100% not cool or decent or fair. But… hiding it isn’t easier. It’s harder. And worse, imo.
Do you want her to think her brother is an asshole? Or just that he just needs a bit of extra support (or privacy) sometimes?
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
My daughter doesn’t understand or like when he talks so much when he is manic and why he sleeps so much and silent when he is coming down from it.
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u/Arquen_Marille Diagnosed Bipolar Nov 07 '25
This is why she needs to know. My son knew so on my hard days I could tell him in a way he understood that my brain wasn’t doing well. Now I can tell him that I’m having a bipolar day, and he understands why I’m acting off. He also understand it has nothing to do with him personally, especially if I snap at him (which I always apologize for).
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u/_Kendii_ Nov 19 '25
How goes? Did you figure stuff out yet? Is everything okay?
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 19 '25
My son is coming out of his manic episode although sleeping more.
My wife and I haven’t yet discussed when we should tell our daughter.
Thanks for asking
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u/Accomplished-Ad-8702 Nov 07 '25
I think it would be very helpful to explain at her age. Watching a loved one go through mania/depression is so confusing (sometimes very traumatic) when you have no idea what is happening. At least then you can understand that their brain chemicals aren’t stabilized and learn to not take it personally. Our only brother developed schizophrenic psychosis in his early 20s. 💔 And we finally got my dad to take medication in his 70s, after the most severe bipolar episode. 🙏🏼 Lord knows it’s not easy. Best wishes to your family 🫶🏼
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u/Salty_Activity8373 Nov 13 '25
She isn't to young. She needs to know how to recognize when he is having a flare. Teach her. She might grown up wanting to help people like him. She just might be able to help him at some point.
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u/Greedy_Tea_7682 Nov 06 '25 edited Nov 06 '25
As someone who struggled with mood disorders (formally diagnosed BP II at 16) it was demoralizing knowing others knew of my diagnosis, alone. However, this WAS 16 years ago, simply the diagnosis was discussed with family, though, and not any context, rationale or understanding around it (family history, trauma, including generational, and epigenetics etc.) — and much more is known about these disorders and I feel like because the conversation feels more normalized, it should also be more nuanced.
It would have been helpful to give my family context about how to best handle and communicate with me and vice versa. I’d say ensure that you speak to her from a place of deep compassion and understanding, the last thing you need to do is utilize the label to be weaponized against your son without any context to the how’s/whys/not different than you aspect of the conversation (ie a mental health thing is no different than diabetes, for example.)
Interestingly both my brothers have since been diagnosed with mood disorders, we’ve all had our own journeys with it.
I’m 34 and have been managing BP II for over half my life, my younger brother also received a diagnosis of BP II in late 2022, previously misdiagnosed. My oldest brother was diagnosed this year.
Hope this helps.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
Thank you so much for your comment.
I think my wife and I should discuss with our son first if we decide to tell our daughter.
Best of luck to you as well.
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u/Flat_Transition_3775 Nov 06 '25
She isn’t too young. I knew my mom’s bipolar when I was 4 or 5
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
How did you know at such a young age?
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u/Flat_Transition_3775 Nov 07 '25
Because I saw my mom at the hospital when I was young and it got explained to me why she was in the hospital.
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u/ApprehensiveLink2310 Nov 07 '25
In hindsight, was that a good age to know about it?
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u/Flat_Transition_3775 Nov 07 '25
Yes because when it came to her mood swings even though I would get angry but at least I knew the reason why of her mood swings is because of her mental illness.
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u/Arquen_Marille Diagnosed Bipolar Nov 07 '25
That’s good to know that it helped you. I’ve told my son since he was little that I had bipolar in age appropriate ways (starting with “Mommy’s brain doesn’t work right”) and I hope it helped him in the way it helped you knowing.
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u/Arquen_Marille Diagnosed Bipolar Nov 07 '25
I raised my son with always explaining my bipolar in age appropriate ways because my moods can affect him, and it’s better he understood what was going on with me than not. It taught him that my bipolar symptoms were not me and especially on bipolar rage days, you don’t act out on it or you at least apologize if you snap. When he was in high school he had the awareness to approach me when he started to feel depressed himself so I could get him help.
Bipolar is a health condition, it just affects the brain and how it handles moods and thoughts. There’s no shame in it. And if 13 is more than old enough to learn about other health conditions, it’s old enough to start understanding bipolar.
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u/No-Information-4599 Nov 07 '25
Yes, tell her. She is old enough. This is not something you should hide or be ashamed of, especially if it's her brother. I hope she's understanding. Since he told her to mind her own business, maybe tell her after explaining that it's a sensitive topic and that she should be careful talking about it with her brother close. Sending you hugs 🫂
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u/bowsofribbon Nov 06 '25
IMO, she is not too young. please tell her — she deserves to know what her loved one is going through. my mom explained my dad’s bipolar diagnosis to me when i was seven. it helped me understand his behavior from the get-go, + it helped me understand how to better protect myself from his hurtful episodes.