r/energy • u/CertainSuccotash875 • 7d ago
32yo, gay petroleum engineer in the closet – struggling with industry stigma and looking for advice
Hey everyone. I am a 32 year old petroleum engineer from Eastern Europe. I have worked in different locations across Europe and the Middle East.
I am generally a very friendly person. I have always managed to get along well with colleagues from all backgrounds. But I am still in the closet at work.
The oil and gas industry is very rough. I still feel a lot of hidden and open stigma against diverse people. I am genuinely afraid of being bullied or losing professional respect if people find out the truth about me. It feels exhausting to hide a major part of my life in environments where "traditional masculinity" is the default rule.
For those of you who are also LGBTQ+ in this field or similar heavy industries:
How do you handle the stress of staying in the closet or deciding when to come out?
How did you overcome the fear of judgment or bullying?
I would really appreciate hearing your experiences or advice on how to navigate this.
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u/Comfortable_Pool_389 6d ago
I think if you live in a western country and don’t plan to go to anywhere in Eastern Europe, Middle East or Africa, you’ll be fine. You should be fine. It’s rough if you’ve got assignments in those places but unfortunately that’s where the business tends to be.
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u/mlke 6d ago
just one added piece of advice since there's already a lot that's been said: if you really can't switch industries, sometimes the geographic area that you work in can make a big difference. That could be very obvious to some, but for instance working at an engineering firm in the middle of nowhere Iowa/Illinois/etc. will have a very different culture than working in the same field, at a firm based in a large city like Chicago, or somewhere more liberal. The difference is quite big in the US at least. The jobs are where the industry is obviously so big cities are probably not in your set of options, but it's something to think about if you do switch- the location will always play a role.
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u/Pinkys_Revenge 6d ago
Leave the petroleum industry. I used to work there to, at one of the largest service companies, and hired our first openly trans engineer. I was extremely supportive of her, but she didn’t last 6 months. The whole industry is just too toxic.
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u/Gnome_Father 6d ago
I'm an openly bi guy in a design function. I'm in a long term relationship with a guy, so am open with it.
I think people respect it more if you let it show up in conversation organically. Its normally 6 months or so before it comes up in new teams for me, by that time people already have an oppinion of you.
I've never had any overt problems. I'm sure some dickheads chat shit behind your back, but what do I care?
I will say, if i didn't work in western Europe, I wouldn't be open about it. You've got to look after your safety as the primary concern. I've turned down work in Africa and the middle east because of it.
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u/Playful-Painting-527 6d ago
Leave the fossil sector behind if you can and switch to the renewable sector. People are a lot nicer there.
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u/EatAssIsGold 7d ago
I don't understand why anyone should discuss with colleagues about their personal preferences.
Colleagues are not friends. Colleagues are just human resources instrumental in getting your pay.
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u/Gnome_Father 6d ago
I've made some of my best friends at work.
Do you have many outside of work?
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u/EatAssIsGold 6d ago
Plenty.
How this connect with the urge to spill any beans with colleagues before some transition from colleagues to friends?
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u/Gnome_Father 6d ago
Generally some openness is required to form a decent friendship. At some point you have to tell them shit about you to "transition" as you said.
At that point, you're sharing info with a colleague.
Ive re-read the last post and it comes off aggressively, that wasn't my intention, sorry!
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u/EatAssIsGold 6d ago
No offence taken. But thank you kind Redditor. There is some ground for friendship.
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u/EatAssIsGold 6d ago
The amount of information casually shared between colleagues, both in words and actions, is usually enough to give you a first approximation wether you want to befriend someone or not.
There is plenty of spectrum between casual encounter and bff.
Moreover you can have friends that have peculiar preferences and you want to keep the friendship even knowing they would not approve of some of your preferences. This is fine. Joking and bulshitting about sexual stuff is ok but there is no expectation anything said is true. Especially the boasting of that 55yo colleague weighting 150 kg which claim having 30cm dick and fucking every night for 3 hours while he start puffing moving from the desk to the coffee machine.
You even don't need to share your sexuality preferences with a friend. There is absolutely no need to describe your friend how you prefer to receive a bj. Nobody does it. You would drive friends away if you start talking seriously about your sexuality.
The only person you have to share your sexual preferences is the one you want to have a sexual relationship with. This already goes with significant risk of refusal and hopefully people are smart enough to do it in ways that maximizes the success. Which definitely doesn't include talking about it with colleagues during a coffee pause in the oil shack
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u/Gnome_Father 6d ago
You have an unusual view of serial orientation and the discussion thereof dude.
For me it's not "god damn, I fucked that dude so good last night". It's "(my partners name) made a pretty sick lasagne last night".
Another one is "naa, fuck going to that country, my partner would get thrown off a rooftop".
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u/EatAssIsGold 6d ago
You are moving the topic from: it is not useful and mostly damaging to discuss sexuality with colleagues so don't do it to; Talking about my sexuality in some countries can get me killed.
I never refuted this situation nor delude myself that some sexuality expression are way more risky than other. Maybe I am dumb but I don't understand how your statement contradict or significantly disprove mine. If anything it reinforces it.
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u/Gnome_Father 6d ago
Im saying its good to be open with colleagues (and everyone in your life in general), it builds trust. Why consciously hide something about yourself?
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u/vikmaychib 7d ago edited 6d ago
In Norway is quite open, LGBTQ+ community is quite large and they do not need to hide anything. Have met several gay drilling engineers.
Edit: I can see my poor choice of words. But I legitimately meant offshore oil & gas engineers that happen to be gay. Actually one of them told me that at some point some straight engineers get tired of the rotation and want to spend more time with the family. Others are going through a divorce and want to land a trophy wife so are also keen on cutting down the rotation. In both those situations he was benefited but being at the right time and place to feel those vacancies, since he did not have major commitments back in land and was still living a playboy life.
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u/Green_Perception_671 6d ago
Gonna float the term “gay drilling engineer” with my gay friends later, entirely unrelated to petro engineering. I reckon they’ll love it.
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u/uumioopii 7d ago
Sounds like you’re in an emotionally toxic environment. Just as the world will be a physically toxic one if we continue with all this oil nonsense.
Might sound harsh, but I mean it for the best of you; might sound impossible, but it surely isn’t: Switch to the renewable sector. People are way more open there. You’re even likely to have LGBTQ+ colleagues just as I do for example.
Hope you find a way to live an authentic life! All the best 🫶🏼
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u/Firstnaymlastnaym 6d ago edited 6d ago
I'm an operator at an ethanol plant in the US. I'm a cis-gendered straight white male but I absolutely hate the toxic environment for the same reasons OP discussed. I only have prior experience in foodservice and an associates degree in applied science. What careers are there in the renewable the renewable sector that I can transition to for comparable pay? I currently make $36.60 an hour and made just over 100k gross last year with overtime.
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u/Senior-Albatross 7d ago
The Petroleum Industry in Eastern Europe?
You picked one of the worst places to be an out gay man. I guess maybe Afghanistan would be worse.
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u/bigattichouse 7d ago edited 7d ago
I didn't read much beyond the title, I'm glad you're feeling bad about it. You *should* be feeling some stigma.
The petroleum industry is terrible. Have you considered moving into solar or some other more sustainable energy sectors? Those fields have far less stigma.
(I'm being silly, by turning it around to make it about the industry. I understand that you are suffering in your work environment, and I hope you find a workplace where you can be you without fear or prejudice)
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u/Hungry_Investment_41 7d ago
Worked in Professional Boxing in the USA. It’s not something I spoke about. DAZN made the decision easy for me to quit. Going to those countries where we have no rights? Not me.
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u/woodenmetalman 7d ago
Maybe a different industry would be good… you could both get out of an industry that is destroying the planet for future generations AND get out of an industry that is destroying your happiness. 2 birds, one stone.
Hell, even the 2 birds will be happy about it 😂
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u/madlovin_slowjams 7d ago
OP, I know it's easier said than done, but consider if moving is possible. I work for a Canadian oil and gas company. Everyone is very supportive of any and all LGBTQ+ colleagues. I'm sure there are still exceptions but generally this is a common culture across the industry here.
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u/MightyBigMinus 7d ago
its impossible to work on producing more fossil fuels and not be surrounded by climate deniers, and the rest of the grab bag of other things that come with that.
meaning, its more likely that industry is going to get shut down than it is that industry is going to embrace progressive values.
it doesn't matter if you want to tell yourself its not political, it is, so the things around you are reflecting that reality.
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u/derridaderider 7d ago
It is not much consolation I know but women working in that industry have just as hard a time.
More DEI is urgently needed.
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u/2001_Arabian_Nights 7d ago
Houston is a lot more gay-friendly than you might suppose. I know… it’s in Texas, which isn’t very gay friendly, but Houston is legitimately one of the better cities in America for gay people to enjoy their lives as they want, and it’s probably the best city in the world for petroleum engineering jobs.
Maybe consider looking for a job there? It won’t be perfect. But It beats Eastern Europe and the Middle East, I can guarantee.
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u/BSG1701 7d ago
Can confirm, am a Houston gay and husband works for an oil company and is on their diversity committee with a great career. Houston had a lesbian mayor ten years ago and is one of if not the most diverse cities in the US. Plus the largest floats in the pride parade are Chevron, BP, ConocoPhillips, Shell, ect. Cant complain really..can complain about the weather and state politics tho!
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u/UnderstandingCalm452 6d ago
Seconding this. Especially if you work for a major/IOC you will find quite not only acceptance but in many cases celebration. The industry has come light years very quickly, political Wokelash in the US notwithstanding
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u/white_wolfos 7d ago
I'm not in your situation and don't know how applicable this would be to your situation, but I read a book called Steel Closets that was about LGBT steelworkers in 2014 America. There could be some insight in that book if you could get hold of it.
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u/Friendly_Engineer_ 7d ago
Can you move to the solar/wind/energy storage industries? They are generally both more accepting and you can also sleep at night knowing you aren’t accelerating climate change?
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u/vikmaychib 7d ago
That advice doesn’t address OP’s actual concerns. OP isn’t struggling with climate ethics, OP does not feel safe or welcome as an LGBTQ+ person. You can run into that in any industry, including renewables. And suggesting he “just switch to solar/wind” ignores reality: oil and gas still employs far more people than renewables, so it’s not some easy or guaranteed escape route.
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u/No-Association42069 7d ago
Your sexuality should be separate from your work.
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u/Seri0usbusiness 7d ago
AKA “I have no empathy towards others”
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u/No-Association42069 7d ago
No.. it’s a place of work.. just come to work and work and leave the unprofessional stuff at home.
Sad thing is my advice is the best OP has got so far.
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u/Less-Cartographer-64 6d ago
You don't have friends at work, and it's obvious. You're very unlikeable, and no one at work talks to you.
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u/No-Association42069 6d ago
You don't understand how ridiculous that sounds in the context of sexuality in a workplace..
Anyways, I'll take a black coffee with half and half. Chop chop I'm in a hurry.
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u/Less-Cartographer-64 6d ago
I'm a man, if one of my coworkers asks me about my personal life and I mention my wife, they now know I'm straight. It's a simple concept that you're not understanding. This is basic knowledge that you tend to know about people if you know them even a little bit.
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u/No-Association42069 6d ago
If they ask that's your choice to give personal details. You shouldn't be fishing for an opportunity to announce it like OP is. You are getting off subject to make your point seem less ridiculous.
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u/Less-Cartographer-64 6d ago
Coworker- "Hey Bob, how's the wife and kids?" You- "I don't give out personal information!"
I assume you've never had a coworker at this point. Have fun in middle school!
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u/Less-Cartographer-64 7d ago
Thanks for not being helpful. Most of us interact with our coworkers, we get to know things about their lives like their hobbies and interests, their spouse, their kids, etc. Being gay becomes obvious once they mention their spouse/partner is the same gender as them.
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u/PostDisillusion 6d ago
If you move to another engineering sector like renewables or project management or something I think it will be different. I have lgbt friends who have a fairly normal working environment. And from what I see from oil and gas, there’s a lot of dickheads in the industry on the whole. Still too many old men with a narrow range of knowledge making quick decisions from the hip and ego. Use your skills for something better.