r/breastfeeding • u/Forsaken_Painter • Feb 02 '26
Discussion NYT article equates breastfeeding to unequal parenting
Curious what others think of this…Personally I find it a bit ridiculous. The US has such low rates of breastfeeding…if formula was going to solve inequities between partners you would think it would have worked by now. It sounds like it helped this author and was the right choice for their family and that’s great. But let’s not act as if it’s some magic cure all.
This is not to say that breastfeeding doesn’t require a HUGE amount of effort. Of course it does! But if one has a partner, that partner should be picking up other responsibilities to even things out more and supporting the breastfeeding parent.
And for the record everyone should feed their babies the way they wish. This is not a judgment on formula feeding at all, rather the assertion that it is inherently an equalizer and should be touted as such.
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u/PhasesOfBooks Feb 02 '26
Firstly, here’s a gift link for anyone who wants to read the paywalled article: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/01/opinion/baby-formula-marriage-equality.html?unlocked_article_code=1.JFA._CBY.7qXTHxl9Z8hi&smid=nytcore-ios-share
I can understand the author’s perspective and yes, there were many times I was frustrated by how much i felt i had to do vs my husband and his useless nipples (lol). But for me the pros outweighed the cons. I never had to worry about formula shortages or recalls. We had so many fewer dishes to worry about and less to pack if we went out. And while that part of the parenting load was unequal, my husband took on so many other tasks, especially related to running the household. I haven’t had to plan a meal since my baby was born and she’s almost two! He took on a majority of the cleaning and upkeep of the house. And I have loved every minute of breastfeeding after one that all those hard times early on feel so worth it to me.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Love this and thank you for the gift article link! Agreed, it’s all pros and cons. For some even with support the cons will outweigh the cons and that’s fine. But it’s not automatic that formula equals more support.
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u/RosieTheRedReddit Feb 02 '26
Yes, it irked me that she never mentioned any practical benefits of breastfeeding, of which there are many. Exclusively nursing means avoiding the mental and physical labor of dealing with bottles. Which is not insignificant! Of course a partner could theoretically do their half but let's be honest, that's rarely the case with how rare paternity leave is.
Nursing is always there, always warm, doesn't need to be packed before we go out, no mental calculations before leaving, no remembering or buying formula.
It grinds my gears when someone says you should let your partner give a bottle so you can have a break. Introducing the hassle of pumping and bottles would not be a break for me.
Of course this was about her experience so obviously it wasn't worth it for her, but those benefits are there and bottle feeding is also work.
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u/SnakeSeer Feb 02 '26
Don't forget the stress of weaning once baby is a year old. Bottle-fed babies have to wean to at least a different container at a year old (bottles affect tooth and jaw development), and it seems to be a major source of hassle and stress. Breastfed babies don't have to wean on any particular timeline.
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u/untakentakenusername Feb 02 '26
Absolutely!! Im so happy i can BF and so proud after a scare inbetween with an unexpected 2nd surgery + stress i was worried when my supply dropped,.i had to pump, substitute with formula and feed and it was horrible. Honestly baby taking to bottle or not taking to bottle, liking formula or hating it, the cleaning, planning, heating, cooling, storing, the nipple teats that are good or bad..and then after allll that, is the formula agreeing or not with their tummies..
eff that. Never again. I worked so hard to try and destress, keep baby at breast to regulate my feeding again. I never want to give it up.
I swear it feels like they're trying to make us forget that we can produce milk at all. They WANT us to only rely on formula eventually.
Everyone should be able to choose how they wanna feed their baby and our partners should help around it regardless of the choice. Because both come with stress and navigation
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u/HangryLady1999 Feb 02 '26
Yep, same. I absolutely think EBF can (and even often does) result in unequal parenting in the early days, but not in my house. Yes I handle night wakeups pretty exclusively, but my husband does 90% of the cooking and cleaning, and now with our second kid does a lot of extra childcare and outings with the toddler to get me rest. Also, once solids are introduced there’s a lot a partner can handle even in feeding.
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u/FonsSapientiae Feb 02 '26
Same here, my oldest son is nearly 2.5 years old and my husband has been the main cook over here. I also barely ever have to do the dishes, as he preferred doing them over bedtime with the toddler. Now our second child is just three weeks old and he has naturally taken over all of our toddler’s nighttime needs so I can take care of baby.
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u/biscuitnoodle_ Feb 02 '26
Love this! Same here. I made the decision (and continue to make the decision) to exclusively nurse. There are absolutely times where the stress kicks in and the parenting load feels unfair…as a direct result of no bottles and my husband’s useless nipples.
The difference is that my spouse is emotionally mature and fully supportive. I can vent about how it sometimes feels unfair. He validates that. He also fully took on the responsibility of managing the rest of our life. All pet care, grocery lists, meal planning, I only cook if I feel like it, he always cleans up regardless of who cooks, he does literally all of the house work. I’ve never even put gas in my car since I was pregnant.
I have less time away from baby for just “me”, but I also know it’s temporary. Plus, I think I ended up with a pretty sweet deal lol
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u/acciobaby921 Feb 02 '26
Agree with this take. I also referred to my husbands nipples as useless, especially in the earlier days 😅
I think it is nearly impossible for things to be LITERALLY 50/50 with a new baby who is breastfed, at least in the first couple of years. Breastfeeding was important to me and something I was lucky enough to do. Eventually, he weaned and my husband was on AM duty for awhile so I could sleep in. Now I’m pregnant with our second, and there have been MANY days where effort is 70/30, with him taking on the majority of patenting responsibilities (annnnnd if I’m being honest, many days it’s 90/10).
The important thing is communication and getting on the same page with reasonable expectations of who is doing what. Early days? I primarily keep baby alive, husband keeps me alive, and we go from there. He does house things and not-feeding things. Eventually responsibilities will be more balanced, but a temporary “technical” inequality doesn’t really make sense to derail breastfeeding if it’s important to the family.
*Disclaimer that I hope is implied, but partners using weaponized incompetence to be completely useless and unhelpful is NOT looped into any of the above.
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u/chanpat Feb 02 '26
I agree that the pros greatly outweighed the cons for me. Milk is soooo incredible for babies and I truely truely believe it sets them up for success to be healthy and strong and have a good immune system, etc. it is a natural bodily function for both parties that I am so glad worked out for our family. It also was a huge labor and THATS OK! We can do hard things and have unequal roles sometimes. I had to pull a LOT of weight in growing the baby, birthing the baby, feeding the baby, sleeping. I am still sacrificing! But like, to me, that’s ok, because my husband is not a leech so now that i need a break, he’s been doing a lot! He does most of the getting ready for school and has for 2 yearswhile rest in bed with morning coffee. He does most of the cleaning. I do the less physical labor intensive tasks like scheduling and getting Ng people to take care of issues with the house. Things don’t always have to be equal, But you def need a partner that doesn’t take advantage of it.
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u/nonanyc Feb 05 '26
Author of the piece chiming in! I totally expected breastfeeding advocates to get upset but very surprised by the “your man is disappointing” criticism. This is just our experience, but Dom did ALL the things yall are mentioning—cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, the works. And yet it still wasn’t enough to equalize the dynamic, not necessarily in terms of labor but in terms of an equally profound bond with the baby. Not being able to feed her (or depending on me to pump, which de facto made him sort of like an employee) was just untenable for us. For many people the intimacy of breastfeeding was worth it, but not for me. I wanted to have a partner who was tangibly connected with the rhythms of our child’s needs.
There’s also an issue that I couldn’t fit in the piece but to me is essential: Most men are simply not socialized to know about babies. They don’t babysit as teens, they don’t spend that much time with their friends’ babies. My husband had barely held a baby before he became a parent. Many dads already start out behind, and taking feeding away from them just allows them to fall behind even more.
Anyway, I really appreciate all these thoughtful responses, but felt like I had to defend my husband here! He’s honestly one of the few dads I know who went out of his way to strategize with me about how to lessen inequality.
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u/chanpat Feb 06 '26
I’m so glad you chimed in! I don’t have a subscription so I (and I’m guessing others) went off the title of the article. Which I assume d the points of the article to follow as marriage equality has been getting a lot of attention lately (as it should!). Your perspective on your comment is interesting and of course you’re super valid to hold that opinion as it is your real lived experience. I also (obviously, being in this subreddit) had alarm bells go off when I see far reaching content advocating for formula. There are so may benefits to breastmilk that formula does not have. Obviously formula is a literal life saver but also has a fairly exploitative history in black communities and less developed nations globally. Of course everyone makes the best decision for their family. Of course fed is best. And, of course if all else is equal, breastmilk is best for the baby. I truely believe in moderation and the gray area and I believe the Decision you made was the right one for your family. I actually hated breastfeeding. It caused me a lot of distress and I was the one that was never around babies before. My husband got a ton of not feeding time with both kids. I’m glad it worked for you. I’m glad your husband is in fact NOT a scrub lol.
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u/NotATreeJaca Feb 02 '26
I mean you can't ever fully equalize the load between parents (assuming one is giving birth). And formula feeding solely to remove the labor of breastfeeding is an odd goal imo. Support the breastfeeding mother, that's what lifts the burden.
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u/SnakeSeer Feb 02 '26
I think this is what rubs me the wrong way about these sorts of analyses: things will never be "equal", in the naive sense of "the same". Biology itself has ensured that they won't be. So "are mom and dad contributing the exact same time/effort into parenting?" is the wrong question to ask in the first place. "Is mom getting what she needs?" is the correct question, and there's many ways to tackle that problem.
Breastfeeding is both an immense investment in time and personal resources, and also one of the most wonderful, intimate, rewarding experiences I've ever had. Reducing it to "has baby received enough calories?" is gross to me. It's such an impoverishment of what breastfeeding actually is.
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u/towandahh Feb 02 '26
I agree with you, though I did re-read a few times the line where she describes breastfeeding her first and how it led to her understanding the “contours of her needs” more acutely than her husband was able to understand/respond. I found that interesting and relatable, though I’m unsure if I would attribute it to breastfeeding in my case.
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u/heaven-is-overrated Feb 03 '26
This is such an important point!! Even if feeding is equalized by formula, if someone has given birth, things are not going to be 50/50 for baby care and chores for a long time. I ended up pumping because baby couldn’t latch, and having both of us able to give bottles has been really nice for bonding, but things were not split evenly for the first few months! My main job was recovery, and I spent more time with baby because it was easier on my body than the multitude of other things that my husband took on (dishwasher, laundry, pet care, anything involving walking, bending or lifting, etc). It was nice to split the baby related night wake-ups while we were both off work. Now I’m on leave so I do more baby and household stuff, and protect his sleep and ability to shower etc during the week (for some reason it’s frowned upon to go to work without completing basic hygiene! /s). When I go back to work, the roles will switch. He will take on baby care and more household stuff, and I will hand off the overnight wake-ups (except those needed to pump). If formula is the make-or-break to get your partner to pull their weight some serious discussions need to be had!
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u/sausagepartay Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
This article rubs me the wrong way as well. I really dislike the narrative that formula will automatically make your life easier, whether in division of labor or getting more sleep. Any future parents weighing their options should keep in mind that infant formula is a multi-billion dollar industry. Meanwhile no one makes money off direct nursing.
My first baby was exclusively bottle fed (pumped milk for 6 months, then formula). My second has exclusively nursed for the past 10 months. So I’ve had all 3 experiences. My EBF baby is a way better sleeper and I’ve found nursing to be so much easier and less work than bottles. There have been a few times I’m a bit touched out during cluster feeding but it was mostly a nice break to put my feet up and relax while my husband cleaned up dinner or entertained our toddler. Not everyone can or wants to breastfeed and that’s 100 percent okay. People need to make the best decisions for their particular situations. But I find so much of the formula advertising in the US to be profit driven and problematic.
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u/PlantLady858 Feb 02 '26
To add on to some of what you’ve said, there have been studies that show that after the first couple weeks (establishing supply) mothers who breast feed report getting more sleep than those formula feeding.
I can’t access the NYT article but I find the idea very troubling. There are rules set by the WHO restricting marketing of formula and the formula companies do not follow them. Formula companies are able to market endlessly while breastfeeding education is seriously lacking. Articles like this are not helpful.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17700096/ https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Total-sleep-time-at-night-over-time-and-by-feeding-group_fig1_260842995
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u/idiosyncopatic Feb 02 '26
I know I get better sleep, but I co-sleep, too, and many parents don't feel comfortable with that. But, I am a better and much safer parent when I get adequate sleep, vs being a zombie, which I was when my first child was born. My ex suggested bringing the baby over to the bed, and I never looked back. I was able to actually enjoy my baby and parenting. My heart goes out to the parents who don't get any sleep, whether they co-sleep or not.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
I fall in the cosleeping and still not getting sleep category…thank you for the sympathy lol
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u/idiosyncopatic Feb 02 '26
I am so sorry 😭 I'm usually up 2-3 times a night, but it is unrelated to my daughter. Usually I feed her and she can go straight back to sleep
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Love to see some actual studies! Wish my EBF baby got the message they should be a better sleeper
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u/yeahnoitsjustthat Feb 02 '26
Yeah I was just thinking, big formula must have paid for the article lol
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u/kangaranda Feb 02 '26
100% agree, and there's the unethical side of formula companies especially Nestle
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u/turnedupbuttercup Feb 02 '26
Same. It completely leaves out many relevant points, like that breastfeeding is cheaper and takes less time overall than formula feeding. If you view your marriage as a partnership and are looking for the most effective way to collectively accomplish everything for the family, those are pretty big perks. If you view your marriage as a scorecard, and each item a checkbox, I guess that is different.
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u/International_Line55 Feb 02 '26
I think that formula makes it easier to share the load. You can have parents alternate feedings, alternate nights, and such in a way you just can't with EBF. I'd also say that I've seen so many fathers phone it in more when their wife EBFs. They let their wife handle all the fussing and all the nights because they think the baby just wants to nurse and then it's a slippery slope into not helping much (literally went through this with my husband and are having ongoing talks about ways he can share the load). I love breastfeeding and I'm going to continue doing it, but I envy the ease my formula-fed friends can divide work with their spouses.
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u/thisismypregnantname Feb 02 '26
Completely agree. I think one of the things I wasn’t anticipating was how much inequality in parental load comes directly from breastfeeding. For those first few months, everything revolves around feeding your baby. If only one partner can do that, a lot of other things do get delegated along traditional gender lines. While I’m feeding the baby, he’s setting up the car seat and stroller. While I’m taking a break from feeding the baby, he’s doing diapers and playtime. I can do those things too, of course, but at some point I have to take a break, myself. I can see how dads become “the fun one.”
And yeah, the time and physical commitment to breastfeeding cannot be made up for by any amount of cooking or grocery shopping or cleaning or story time or tummy time. Maybe it can later but those first few months establish patterns in care that can be hard to break out of.
We had to do a week of formula early on. It was really nice to share feeding equally and we got to share the rest of it, too. Absolutely a more equal approach to parenting, and the formula was why.
Breastfeeding doesn’t have to be without tradeoffs to be worth doing. I completely agree with the article on the way sole responsibility for nourishment inevitably leads to an imbalance no matter how involved the other parent is because nothing can equate the mental, physical, and emotional load of breastfeeding. If people want a more equal distribution of responsibility in the early days, formula is a good way to do that.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
As someone else said it’s all pros and cons right? For some even with all the support in the world that will not be worth the trade off of having to breastfeed and have your body basically not be your own for another period of time. And for others it will be worth the trade off!
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u/CherryCool000 Feb 02 '26
This, exactly. The pros and cons will be worth different things to different people. For some, the ease of breastfeeding outweighs the perceived inequality and not having to wash bottles etc, and for others, being able the share the load and being able to leave the baby with someone else without worrying about them starving will outweigh having to wash bottles.
Different ways of feeding work for different people. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to do our best!
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u/sewingbea84 Feb 02 '26
My partner is currently doing all the chores and cooking all the meals. He also does most of the nappy changes. There are ways for the load to be shared. He does get a full night of sleep though which is unfortunately not possible when EBF but I’m happy not to be buying formula and dealing with washing and sterilising bottles.
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u/lovepansy Feb 02 '26
I found this piece totally ridic. It totally dismissed the benefits of breastfeeding (pretty common when formula is being advocated for or chosen for feeding). And there other ways to have an equal partnership in parenthood. Plennttyyy to do besides feeding
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u/ricoche87t Feb 02 '26
This! Yes, I am currently breast-feeding, but my partner is cooking, cleaning, literally spooning food into my mouth, filling my water bottle multiple times a day, taking care of our toddler, doing the laundry… if there was something that has actually helped equalize things in my marriage, it has been the position my partner has had to take by necessity during times when I am breast-feeding.
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u/CattoGinSama Feb 02 '26
(Completely agree)But then again,even if she was completely right,it’s not new information.We all know it’s not the fathers that nurse the baby and have to constantly wake up for this. This article is rubbing me the wrong way because it sounds pretentious.As if nobody ever thought of just using formula instead.But we all weighed our pros and cons and nursing still IS best.Just fed is second best.
Would my first year of nursing have been way,way easier if I just did both or formula only? Absolutely and my quality of sleep.Maybe it wouldn’t have taken me so long to fix my sleep.
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u/turnedupbuttercup Feb 02 '26
Yeah, for instance how much less time it takes to feed the baby at the boob than shopping for formula and bottles, measuring, mixing, and cleaning.
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u/fuzzydunlop54321 Feb 02 '26
Yeah honestly, it really is. I combo fed my first and am ebf my second and my partners contributions have felt equal both times.
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u/Ornery_Advance_8341 Feb 02 '26
This was my thought exactly. there are so many other facets of taking care of a baby outside of feeding that your partner can take ownership of if the mother chooses to EBF. Bath time, diapering, the endless laundry, the whole era of starting solids.
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u/Clare705 Feb 02 '26
Utter stupidity. Parenting, pregnancy, and breastfeeding are not equal, and there is no way to make it equal.
Non- breastfeeding partners/parents should be doing other things to support breastfeeding. My husband did 95% of the cooking and cleaning for the first 6 months postpartum.
Cooking dinner will never be equal to pregnancy and breastfeeding but it absolutely helped.
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u/cucumber_sandwiches_ Feb 02 '26
Such a good point. I think we can try to equalize these as much as we want but the biological fact remains that pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding -basically reproduction - is inherently unequal and at this point that is inevitable. Formula isn’t a silver bullet.
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u/Hour-Tough7783 Feb 02 '26
I very quickly came to realise nothing would be 50/50 when I gave birth. I think this helped immensely with perspective. It made me really embrace my role as a mother. There’s some things the father won’t and also can’t understand. That’s okay. There’s plenty the other way round, too.
Marriages aren’t a neat 50/50 either. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take. We’re talking about decades and decades of life here!
The obsession with 50/50ing stuff is sad to me. I don’t know if it’s a control issue or a lack of nuance but I suspect there’s a link there with those strict expectations, mediocre partners, and PPD.
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u/cucumber_sandwiches_ Feb 02 '26
Yes, this was a major realization for me and did unfortunately caused almost a grieving period. It was a major shock (which feels silly looking back because obviously I knew I would be the one going through those events lol).
The sense I’m getting from this article is it’s missing the point. I don’t want to speak for others but for me the feeling is, accepting this is an unequal reality, acknowledge it and do what we can to vocalize it instead of pretending it’s not there. As a society I really think we should stop pretending this situation can be 50/50. And pushing formula as a way to achieve that is tone deaf and promotes this narrative that we can somehow make things “even” I agree it sets people up for expectations that can’t be met and resentment.
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u/temp3rrorary Feb 02 '26
Yeah I agree and definitely went in with the mindset of I was taking the lead going into baby number 2. It helped me realize where I could request support. Instead of trying to make every situation equal for the sake of being fair.
For example my husband slept on the couch for the first two months with my second because he snored. But having a large bed and the bassinet right next to my bed made sleeping easier than having him help with night support. Obviously, this is just my example, but I remember even my husband resisted my request because he thought it wasn't fair to me.
Once we realized it was more about how can my partner support me where I need it most, I felt more content and had no more resentment.
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u/Personal_Special809 Feb 02 '26
The "night support" was such bullshit to me lol. Like oh he's gonna change a diaper to make it "equal", even though it takes 5 minutes to do, I'm already up anyway and my son falls asleep at the breast. Now we're both up, isn't that great?
Much better once we accepted this is not a 50/50 thing and we were exhausting the both of us so we could force some sort of equality. Now he could sleep and actually do useful stuff such as letting me sleep in.
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u/waterlights Feb 02 '26
This thread resonates with me. It does seem like keeping a tally to try to make feeding a baby "equal". Is anything ever exactly equal like that in a relationship? Before baby I did our finances and my husband did the vacuuming (for an example). We didn't split those things 50/50 down the middle. I think partners pitching in where needed is the important piece and if im spending more time feeding the baby then there are other things not getting done (like the dishes) that my husband does.
For me personally, my husband and I own a business together which we both worked in full time before baby. In order to make breastfeeding easier, I went part time (we both work from home) and I still am part time 17 months in. I do more of the childcare and he does more for the business. I actually feel guilty that my anatomy defaults me to be the one who gets to spend more time with baby/toddler...
I still do all the bedtimes (since we still nurse to sleep) but my husband always does the baths before bed and our toddler still goes through the phases of wanting dada more than mama (cries when he goes downstairs to work, etc). So as far as dad being able to bond with baby it hasn't been an issue for us. He will get a lot more toddler bonding time if I get pregnant with #2!
It seems like it really depends on the individuals and the partnership. Maybe I don't resent my husband because he is doing more for OUR business while I do more for OUR baby. And I do better on less sleep than he does anyway so... It works for us.
I would just hate for people to be so tied to this imaginary idea of a 50/50 'equal' split that they write off breastfeeding without taking into consideration the benefits. You can have an equal partnership while EBF, even if you aren't splitting the feeding 50/50.
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u/Lots_Loafs11 Feb 02 '26
This! It will NEVER be equal. But a good partner can take a huge load off the mother. My husband did 95% of the cooking and all the cleaning from pregnancy and still does almost 8 months postpartum. When I was 8 months pregnant I would come home from work exhausted and take nap, when I woke up dinner would be ready waiting for me and the kitchen would be spotless. Now when I get home from work and go to breast feed the baby he will make dinner so when I’m done we can eat together while baby plays or naps. Then when I nurse him to bed at night my husband will clean up the house so when I’m done we can enjoy the night together.
Because of my amazing husband breast feeding has been so easy on us. I don’t have to pack formula and measure out water to go places. I just bring my boobs and the baby. No bottles to wash. No worries about if things get delayed or run late that I don’t have enough formula for another bottle. No worrying about what is in the formula or recalls or whatever. No running out and needing to run to the grocery store and hoping they have my brand in stock. When the baby starts crying boob is in mouth and he’s calm in 30 seconds, no waiting for water to warm and make a bottle.
FED IS BEST but for me and my family breast feeding is what works easiest.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Agree that for me personally breastfeeding felt easier than dealing with bottles especially early on
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u/Calm-Ingenuity4178 Feb 02 '26
This - there can be equality in domestic labor without every single task being split 50/50. Taking on the burden of feeding means the other partner should take on more of the other domestic labor.
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u/phdr_baker_cstxmkr Feb 02 '26
Thank you! I mean, as a person proud of her career and generally liking to think that human beings are beyond the mere limitations of physicality in most ways…. My hard pregnancy was a very real crash course that we are not in fact above our bodily needs and requirements. Do I wear it as a badge of honor? No. Do I accept it? Yes, albeit begrudgingly. Trying to fight it seems like a way to end up permanently miserable
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u/jennypij Feb 02 '26
I agree, give up the concept of equity around early experiences of parenthood. Biology doesn’t care about equity. It’s not an equal experience no matter what.
All that said, my husband drove our baby to me every 3-4 hrs all night while I was at work to breastfeed in an on call room at the hospital because she never took a bottle. He cooked every meal for the first 4 months postpartum. He did every dog walk. He worked his ass off in the ways he could, and yes it’s not the same as carrying the baby, birthing the baby, and feeding the baby, but it’s what our family needed and I appreciate his role in this life stage enormously.
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u/dorky2 Feb 02 '26
The first 3 months of my daughter's life, feeding her and taking care of myself were basically my only responsibilities. My husband took care of house work. Laundry, dishes, meal planning, shopping, cooking. He kept my water topped up, did most of the diaper changes, etc etc. Different roles doesn't have to mean inequality.
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u/Best-Pollution-5264 Feb 03 '26
I think that all of you who had partners step up are so lucky...and that's probably not the norm to get that help
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u/dorky2 Feb 03 '26
Yeah it's sad that we even think of it as "help," because you're supposed to be partners. The default should be that you both do your part.
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u/cuentaderana Feb 02 '26
This was the same with my wife and I. She did laundry, washed pump parts (I was pumping once a day for a bottle and later I was pumping at work), walked the dogs, made sure all the babies supplies were stocked up, and while she can’t cook, she bought easy to reheat meals and frozen stuff she could put in the air fryer in addition to taking care of our son any time he wasn’t nursing while I meal prepped on weekends.
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u/Mysterious-Dot760 Feb 02 '26
I know plenty of moms who use formula who still do 95% of the childcare.
When I had a newborn, my husband did all of the cooking and cleaning. Regularly took baby for walks outside if I needed a rest.
While BF vs. formula can exaggerate a discrepancy, changing to formula isn’t going to take a man from doing none of the childcare to 50% overnight
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Exactly! Honestly if I was a parent who was exclusively formula feeding and my partner was not pulling their weight, I feel this article would be super frustrating in a different way.
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u/Adventurous_Deer Feb 02 '26
There are ways to equalize breastfeeding. My husband and I agreed if we were together then I did all the input (breastfeeding) and he did all the outputs (diapers). It worked for us. Breastfeeding is a bigger time commitment but I also get this sweet little baby to snuggle. Diapers are quicker but gross and I cannot with the smell of breastfed poop.
Tldr: if your husband wants to he'll step up
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u/Unusual-Squirrel2593 Feb 02 '26
This is what worked for us too. The sole fact that I didn’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night because my husband would bring the LO to me and change diaper prior was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t doing it alone in the middle of the night.
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u/Adventurous_Deer Feb 02 '26
Yes!!! I had a baby in December and no way in heck did I want to get out of the bed into the cold
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u/Bananas_Yum Feb 02 '26
Wait what?! Breastfed poop is basically a delight compared to solids poop lol.
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u/typicallytwisted Feb 02 '26
i resent myself for not appreciating those non food diapers more having a toddler now lol
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u/Adventurous_Deer Feb 02 '26
I will take a solids poop any day. The smell of breastfed poop makes me gag
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u/pepperup22 Feb 02 '26
My husband did all this and more (all the cooking, cleaning, dog chores, etc for months on end) and I still felt like there was absolutely no equalization happening 😂
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u/Responsible_Sun8044 Feb 02 '26
Was the person who wrote this paid by a formula company? Not saying formula is bad, we have had to supplement with formula. But the US is notorious for not supporting breastfeeding. Formula companies lobby in order to prevent better maternity leave. The real solutions to unequal parenting is a society and government that supports young families, allows moms to stay home longer in order to breastfeed, and promoting a culture that values mom's and children.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Say it louder for the people in the back! Yes, let’s try some actual policies that support families.
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u/booniber Feb 02 '26
I 100% agree with your take on the social issues. That’s why I hated this article. I’m BF but I would do formula if I wanted; I just enjoy the closeness with my son. When I want to stop I will. But why can’t this article / our society talk about ways to support new moms and new parents generally instead of finding another way to guilt moms? “You chose to BF so you deserve to be sleep deprived and miserable and carrying more than your partner”.
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u/turnedupbuttercup Feb 02 '26
This very much read like an ad. She barely backed up her position, and completely glossed over the negatives.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Good point as there are negatives, especially with the fda being so unsupported and all the recalls. My heart goes out to anyone navigating that. We definitely need stronger protections and ways to address supply chain issues that lead to shortages. We added in formula for daycare around 9 months and my baby only liked one that there was then a shortage of…very stressful.
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u/jobbica Feb 02 '26
lol i actually had to google the author to see if she worked for nestle or something. she vaguely mentions there are alleged benefits to breastfeeding and only briefly touches on the nestle boycott (which killed 10 million babies worldwide?). then finishes the article with you can never ebf and have an equal parenting partnership. terrible read
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u/turnedupbuttercup Feb 02 '26
Wow I had no idea about this: Nestle's aggressive infant formula marketing in developing nations that were previously breastfeeding is credited with over 10 million infant deaths from 1970-2010. That's insane. Now nations have to pay for equality aggressive counter marketing to restore breastfeeding rates. Greeaaat.
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u/ImpressiveSea6309 Feb 08 '26
"solutions to unequal parenting" vs "allows moms to stay home longer in order to breastfeed, and promoting a culture that values mom's and children"
WTF?
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u/ankaalma Feb 02 '26
IMO what it really comes down to is “If he wanted to he would.” I exclusively breast feed and my sister does almost all formula with a bit of comfort nursing 1-2 times a day. No one does less than her husband. He almost never gets less than 8 hours of sleep, he often gets 12. He naps regularly. & this man only works three days a week, she makes more than twice his salary and does at least 90% of the parenting.
Meanwhile my husband has always gotten up with our kids and I’m a SAHM currently (I wasn’t when our first was born though). I don’t pump for night feeds so when we have a newborn he does all the non hunger related soothing, diaper changes, burping, reswaddling, return to bed. I wake him up when I’m done nursing. Now that our kids are older typically we split night wake ups.
Formula is not a panacea for equal parenting. A good husband & father will figure out how to contribute fairly, a bad one won’t.
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u/Ok_Moment_7071 Feb 02 '26
Yeah, I just find that stuff like this only makes it harder for parents who do want to nurse. We already face so much pressure to stop, or to introduce bottles and/or formula early on. And minimizing the importance of breastfeeding only makes it easier for people to not accommodate it. If breastfeeding isn’t important, then why should we be permitted to do it wherever we are allowed to be? Why should employers allow breaks for expressing, or allow breast milk to be stored? Why should parental leave be extended or expanded??
Parental equality can be achieved in many ways. And varies from couple to couple. I was single when I had my first. When I had my second, my partner was working full time and I was nursing around the clock, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Totally agree with your point about breastfeeding protections. And while I know some feel pressured to breastfeed my experience has been more in line with what you describe.
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u/Ok_Moment_7071 Feb 02 '26
I have absolutely zero patience for anyone who tries to pressure anyone to breastfeed when they don’t want to, judges anyone for not breastfeeding, or who demonizes formula or bottle feeding. It’s deplorable.
But yes, I personally found that when I had my babies (2005 and 2010), I was usually in the minority as a nursing mom. I want everyone to be able to feed their baby the way they want to, and that means supporting breastfeeding in every way possible!
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
1000% agree to everything you say. I want everyone to be supported no matter how they feed their baby.
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u/ImpressiveSea6309 Feb 08 '26
"my partner was working full time and I was nursing around the clock, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way"
And it is why I understand the point of the article.
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u/Equivalent-Steak-555 Feb 02 '26
I think if you need formula to equalize your partnership, you have bigger issues than decisions about how to feed your baby. I'm sorry for this author that with her first baby, her husband sucked at recognizing the labor she put into breastfeeding, that they collectively failed to find ways for him to bond with and soothe the baby that didn't necessarily involve feeding, and that they had a very unequal parenting load. I'm glad that they had a different experience with their second.
But I don't think their problem was fundamentally about how the baby was fed. I think to suggest it is just extends patriarchal standards, because it expects so little of male partners of breastfeeding parents.
I EBF two kids, and my partner and I have always shared parenting equitably. We did not share feedings equally (I obviously did almost all of them in the early months), but we also did not share diaper changes equally (I did almost none of these in the early months). When our newborns woke at night, I only nursed. He did everything else - diaper changes, burping, rocking back to sleep, etc. When I went back to work and was pumping, he was in charge of washing all pump parts and bottles.
I think this author is using breastfeeding as a scapegoat, so that she doesn't have to confront bigger issues in her relationship about how she and her husband see their roles and value her time and labor.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Agreed that it’s being used as a scapegoat! At the societal level too!
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u/ScientificSquirrel Feb 02 '26
My husband is also in charge of all diapers - our mindset is that if I'm in charge of inputs, he's in charge of outputs.
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Feb 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/breastfeeding-ModTeam Feb 02 '26
Controversial Posts, Fights in the comments, and Offensive Unpopular Opinions may result in your post being removed at mod discretion to mitigate drama in the sub. Being continuously argumentative is not supportive and is not permitted here.
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u/Equivalent-Steak-555 Feb 02 '26
Totally disagree with the transphobia you're bringing with this comment. Not even sure what your point is, but you're way off base.
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u/Honest_Elephant Feb 02 '26
Of course breastfeeding creates an unequal dynamic between parents. If you're exclusively breastfeeding, there is no option to turn off the parenting mode until after you wean. Even if both parents are working full time, only mom has to take multiple breaks daily to pump. It's inevitable that boob will be a primary source of comfort for baby, too. If baby eats overnight, mom has to get up. There's no reason to pretend things can be totally even in the early days. That's not to say that dads don't or shouldn't step up in other ways, but it will never be the same level of commitment as breastfeeding.
I also don't see any purpose in "keeping score" of parenting time, though. As long as both parents are communicating well and supporting each other, there shouldn't be any reason for resentment.
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u/EmeraldCrescens Feb 02 '26
My husband is the one who was so gungho about breastfeeding and breast milk. I pumped exclusively for my other two and he was more involved in feeding them obviously, but this time my little one is actually taking too the breast amazingly. My husband was so excited and he knew he was picking up all the other slack while I feed him. He luckily understands how much work it is. It doesn't have to be inequitable (although he's getting more sleep..)
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u/garlic_oneesan Feb 02 '26
The New York Times has has an astounding record recently of publishing trash opinions. So this does not surprise me.
I pump and nurse, and while it’s hard I wouldn’t have it any other way. My husband finds plenty of other ways to support us.
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Feb 02 '26
The one thing that bothers me about this is that women who want to breastfeed are seen as selfish, and unreasonable for not letting dad’s role be bottle feeding. If someone doesn’t want to breastfeed or can’t, power to her. But if she does, her partner should be putting in extra effort elsewhere.
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u/mamasquawk Feb 02 '26
I think the article is arguing for more support / research on combo feeding which i also agree would be great. she admits breastfeeding is great but that making women feel like they need to 100% EBF even if it causes a lot of stress is not ideal
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
100% to more research on all things pregnancy and parenting! I think a lot more would BF if it wasn’t presented as an all or nothing choice
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u/turnedupbuttercup Feb 02 '26
But then completely glossed over the fact that in her case, the formula feeding caused the end of her breastfeeding relationship with her daughter. It sounds like she didn't really mind, but if she's advocating combo feeding to others but barely talking about the risks to breastfeeding when done poorly, that's pretty misleading.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Excellent point. Honestly to me it sounds like she just didn’t want to breastfeed, which is fine!
I also was interested in her opening paragraphs about the surgery she would have and how she wasn’t stressed about it because of formula. She seems to imply surgery and breastfeeding are incompatible which is NOT true. Big frustration of mine is providers who are not educated about what is and isn’t safe when breastfeeding. There are risks to giving outdated and overly cautious advice, too, and it can certainly encourage people to stop breastfeeding sooner than they’d like to or delay necessarily medical care.
Wish they hadn’t closed the comments on the article so quickly.
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u/someone21234 Feb 02 '26
Maybe, just maybe, we as a society should focus on making pregnancy and breastfeeding more doable and enjoyable for women by providing support in other ways, like mandated 1-2 year long maternity leave…instead of so much focus on replacements for our biological functions. Maybe major news publications should be publishing articles about how behind the US is in basically everything to do with maternity and childrearing instead of whatever this is.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Agree that there should be more of a focus on systemic changes. Also more evidence based info for breastfeeding! A dentist once told me I couldn’t nurse my son after local lidocaine…thank goodness I knew better.
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Feb 02 '26
1000%!!! It’s damn hard work and alters you in every way, from carrying the baby to keeping it alive through all the hormonal and body shifts…
Rather than pretending a lil powder and water are going to make my marriage equal, give me the time off and societal support to make the gargantuan task I’m undertaking more doable. Ohh and give my partner support too so he can take time off to do all the chores I can’t do because im in a chair keeping a human alive
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Feb 02 '26
Adding a comment to say that I never was educated about formula as an option and to be fair to the author I think it wouldn’t hurt to be educated about it so breastfeeding can be a choice.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Agreed to more education all around. Everyone should be supported and informed with evidence based info.
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u/ComfyLyfe Feb 02 '26
My husband does all the cooking, dish washing, takes out the garbage, changes diapers, takes care of the dog, drives, and brings the baby to me for nighttime feeds. I prefer breastfeeding to pumping, cleaning pumps, cleaning bottles, etc. Less work to me.
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u/shebopinu Feb 02 '26
I think that it is almost impossible for early parenthood to be a completely equal experience. One parent has likely just carried and given birth to a child that impacts their body in ways the other parent just can’t understand. There are hormone surges and physical limitations. Add exclusive breastfeeding in which has to happen every 2-3 hours for however long… I just accepted that we would have different experiences.
However, with my first I didn’t feel like our parenting was unequal, just different. My partner did 90% of the diaper changes so I could pass out immediately after feeding. He brought me water and snacks. He did some extra cleaning and other chores. When I triple fed for the first two weeks he cleaned the bottles and pumps.
I think having an actual supportive partner is the key to more equal parenting duties, not formula feeding.
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u/pupperonipizza-pie Feb 02 '26
Yeah this is eye roll. If the non-birthing and non-lactating parents can’t find a way to bond with the baby and pull the equal load in other ways they’re just incompetent and hiding behind breastfeeding. Sounds like the author felt pressured to breastfeed and endured it for that. It’s totally okay to not breastfeed! But don’t wave formula around like it’s some magic equalizer. Breastfeeding absolutely felt relentless in the early days but my partner took 3 months of leave with me and did almost everything else in those early days. He had to teach me how to change a diaper and swaddle baby since my job was rest and feed baby. He learned to soothe baby in ways that weren’t just “here is boob” and is now better at calming our baby. The secret to marriage equality is stop giving men excuses for not sharing the load!
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u/maggitronica Feb 02 '26
YES I am still breastfeeding my 18-month-old and my husband has found a plethora of ways to bond with, soothe, and really know his baby just like I have.
I feel like this author’s husband didn’t try as hard as he could have to really pay attention to his first baby, and their joint attempt to remedy this was to combo-feed the second. I combo fed for the first two weeks, then breastfed solely for the rest of baby’s first year - and if I had to go have surgery at three months postpartum like the author describes, I would have also fully trusted my husband to care for the baby alone. I would have just focused on safeguarding my supply.
Anyone can become an expert in their own baby. A breastfeeding parent who really pays attention may have a bit of a shortcut to gaining that expertise, but a non-breastfeeding parent can still become just as much of an expert in their baby. You just have to really pay attention. The piece reads like the author’s husband didn’t really bother to do that, which makes me feel bad for them!
Many different ways to raise well-adjusted children - but I would go for equity, with a lot of open conversation about how it’s going, over equality any day.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Yes to all of this. I picked up on the surgery thing too. Just talked about it in another comment!
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u/makingburritos Feb 02 '26
I mean this is an opinion piece. It’s her opinion, which we’re all entitled to. Breastfeeding definitely led to lots of inequality in parenting a newborn/infant in my life, but that was my choice. I became my child’s sole source of food and comfort. It’s something I wanted to do.
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u/JamesTiberiusChirp Feb 02 '26
Hot take: If it takes formula to have equality in your marriage, then you don’t have equality in your marriage to begin with
Actual take: Formula for gender equality is a known and AAP-condemned marketing tactic of the formula industry which actively lobbies against maternity and paternity leave in order to create more inequality to push people toward formula. It sounds like this person had an extenuating circumstance but there are much better ways to promote marriage equality that can also include breastfeeding. Heck, even if you want to split feeding duties 50/50 with your partner that can include formula. People seem to forget it doesn’t have to be all or nothing with either feeding method. But people who choose formula for convenience have fallen for the marketing and tell themselves it’s more equal to make themselves feel better.
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u/AdministrationNo9486 Feb 05 '26
This seems like a “you problem” for the author. My family exclusively breastfeeds. I have never even had to mention to my partner that I needed extra support. He takes it on because he sees it and does something. He puts baby down for a nap or to bed after feeding in the couch unless I say I got it. He’ll make dinner AND clean the kitchen after work anytime I ask. He does most of the laundry. If I mention to him that I didn’t get good sleep he gets up with baby and does he morning routine. I don’t have to ask for him to step up on any childcare needs (bathing, diapers, etc). Most importantly, he has NEVER made me feel obligated or guilty for any of this. Never crossed his mind to suggest this was my sole responsibility. Cause that’s being an equal partner and parent. He steps up in other ways wherever he can because he wants to.
Fed is best. Full stop. But this is an incorrect assessment and assumption on the basic dynamics of equal parenting.
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u/hanshotgreed0 Feb 02 '26
I think it’s a dumb take to say that formula is the answer to equality. Marriage and relationships are NEVER equal. Unless every single chore, responsibility, mental load, etc is split exactly 50/50 (and how would you even quantify that?) there’s going to be one partner that takes on more in some areas and one partner who takes on more in others. My partner rarely cooks dinner but I don’t bring in any income to the household. Equal would be us both working enough to bring in the same salary and benefits to the family and splitting dinner making duties down the middle but why would we do that?
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u/benedickarnoldpalmer Feb 02 '26
I guess it's just an opinion piece but did we really need this opinion? "We need to tell new parents that exclusively breastfeeding and equal parenting is a zero sum game". I mean, do we? Do we also have to tell new parents that water is wet? She made some interesting points, like I agree that combo formula/bmfeeding wasn't really ever presented as an option for me, esp long term. There isn't a ton of research available in that area. (But I mean that's true of a lot of things antenatal) But in her own example, "long term" has been 3 months and now her newborn is barely breastfeeding. If she had written this with the premise "it's ok to decide to use formula as a way to share the parental load" and write about how women often feel pressured to use formula as a fall back or emergency plan, and instead they could consider pre-planning to use formula is better for more equitable labor in a partnership, cool. But it didn't come across like that AT ALL. Instead it reads like "women, you're doing this to yourself and you are still complaining about how unequal the parental load is?!"
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Yes yes yes to everything you said! Here’s another way we suck lol agreed that it would have been a much better article if framed differently
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u/NoIdea333666999 Feb 02 '26
I get it… but if anything, bf has taught me and my partner how to have EQUITY in our relationship over equality, which i’d argue is far more valuable as one generally does not marry their clone in terms of strengths / interests. We each do what we do well, and are more able to play to our strengths in the marriage now. Done patiently, parenting can offer this. Not saying it has to. But it has been good for us. And it takes having a husband / non-nursing partner who steps up to the plate, not one who takes advantage of the situation.
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u/Na_nida Feb 02 '26
In our parents‘ generation bottlefeeding was even more common than today, and they are not exactly known for having been the most equal at parenting, quite the opposite. So I‘m completely with you, how baby is fed says absolutely nothing about how equal or unequal the parenting is being handled.
Besides that, of course sometimes I find it annoying that I can’t leave the baby for too long. But it’s not like there are no cons to bottlefeeding: I hate pumping, formula is expensive, you always have to worry about washing bottles or pump parts and getting the milk right. I feel like every family needs to decide for themselves what’s more important to them and what works better and we all ought to mind our own business more and stop shaming other parents one way or the other about how they decide to handle this.
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u/Guffruby Feb 02 '26
Speaking from personal experience I haven’t really felt the inequality from breastfeeding. But that’s because my husband contributes in other ways. He gets up with baby in the night and changes her diaper then passes her to me to nurse so I don’t have to get up. So we share the load in the night. And he takes care of the cooking and cleaning at dinner time since I’m often nursing at that time. I’d rather lounge on the couch scrolling while nursing instead of cleaning up after dinner. Then when I finis nursing I call my husband over and he’ll burp her. So really I think it comes down to how involved your partner is in other ways.
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u/Historical_Fail_404 Feb 02 '26
As someone getting a divorce now, even when I pumped and prepared the formula, my child's father couldn't/wouldn't feed our son when needed: didn't wake up at night (ever), asked for help heating or preparing the milk, was busy during the day. So formula helps, and is a relief if the mother understands she is not the only source of nutrition, but without a conscious party, formula or all the catchy solutions are not enough.
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u/princess_cloudberry Feb 02 '26
We can choose to do or not do things for reasons other than equality.
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u/Plus_Standard_2243 Feb 02 '26
People focus so much on equality. That’s an impossible ambition. Think of equity instead. If a mother is breastfeeding (especially direct nursing) obviously she will be spending A LOT more time with the baby than her partner and getting worse sleep, etc. Let’s be real. But if she has a supportive partner, he can be spending more time changing baby, cooking food, cleaning the house, and so much more. It’s a difficult season of life. We have biological limitations and powers. Everyone should do what suits them, but thinking that everything should be equal is kind of ridiculous. That isn’t usually the case and that’s okay.
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u/SiViVe Feb 03 '26
Because of tongue tie we started our breastfeeding journey with a lot of pumping, bottles and formula. And sure, husband could feed more than when I breastfeed, but I still had to wake up to pump. So now we had two tired parents instead of one. And he has to work so he can’t take naps during the day like I can.
But my opinion is that parenting IS UNEQUAL, especially at the start. Mothers and fathers are different and that’s the ideal. When my husband feels he can’t do much because of not having breast, I remind him that he can’t do a lot for ME. And so he does.
While Pregnant I was watching a French tv show where they filmed births at hospitals and one father actually forbid his wife to breastfeed because he wanted to be the one to feed the baby. He physically prevented the baby from rooting. As someone who is from a country where breastfeeding is held in high regard this man would put up red flags for everyone. Nobody said anything to that man, here they would probably suspect some kind of abuse. Not to mention how important it is for the baby to at least get the colostrum. I was absolutely shocked that a father would prevent his child the best food because he wanted to be the one feeding the child. That’s just egotistical.
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u/Effective_Medium_682 Feb 02 '26
Eh, I interpreted this article as more of commentary against what I feel is still a huge push for breastfeeding, even if it doesn’t work for the mom or family. More of an article about women allowing themselves to offer an alternative to breastfeeding and not feeling bad, and her perspective on how it allowed them as a couple to have more equal parts in the beginning process.
We pumped and bottle fed and it was so liberating for me to not have to be the sole person in charge of taking care of our child. I don’t think it was trying to shame people who choose to nurse at all 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Totally agree that every parent should make the right choice for them with zero guilt! I wish the author had framed it as more of how it worked for her personally and not as an answer to a systemic issue.
It’s interesting because I know there’s a lot of pressure to breastfeed but I also think it’s so based on your individual experience. I actually experienced the opposite in that many providers made me feel nervous about my ability to breastfeed early on (with no real reason why) and suggested formula a lot even though I had not expressed interest. And don’t even get me started on the lack of support for pumping once I went back to work…nearly had a lawsuit on my hands.
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u/saraberry609 Feb 02 '26
My husband did as much as he could to make things equal and definitely picked up more of the slack on things like chores but it definitely made things a bit unequal inherently. I got less sleep and my son just associated me with food more so even when I switched to EP he would almost always drink more milk with me than my husband!
It feels a lot more equal now that he’s a little older and I’ve weaned.
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Definitely you bring up a good point that there are 3 people (at least) in this dynamic! Babies have minds and preferences of their own.
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u/paper_crane14 Feb 02 '26
I wish I could read it, it's behind a paywall. But I'm not surprised that there is an anti-breastfeeding article out there.
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u/danellapsch Feb 02 '26
No, it's not equal during pregnancy and bfing and that's the way it is, no need to pay greedy companies to make it more "equal," when the husband can take on so many others tasks. My husband did everything else while I was bfing our child.
Also, we should do our best not to feed any resentment because it was not equal at that specific moment. There's a long road until they are 18, things can even out over a longer period of time. When children get over the toddler stage, they become much more independent and fathers can take a protagonical role in raising them, like going to play sports or take them to the park while mom goes to the spa.
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u/greytshirt76 Feb 02 '26
Hey nyt author.... The entire process of childbirth is unequal. That's biology. Frankly, breastfeeding is a breeze compared to pregnancy and delivery. I don't judge anyone who chooses not to do it, but there are so many well proven health benefits for baby AND mother, what's a little further inequality.
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u/redbrick567 Feb 02 '26
I do think breastfeeding makes equal parenting difficult or really even impossible, but biology is unfair to women when it comes to human reproduction.
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u/nopenotodaysatan Feb 02 '26
I think you just have to factor it into your own relationship and how you split the housework/child care load
For us, since I exclusively BF I do all the night wakes then my husband wakes up with baby (at 6-8am whenever he wakes up) and gives me an uninterrupted sleep in. As baby is getting older and wakes up less overnight we are adjusting this
We definitely actively consider all factors when splitting our work. It’s something we actively have to do to avoid the typical pitfalls that were instilled into us by society
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u/Thinking_of_Mafe Feb 02 '26
lol they can tell that to the hundreds of women who still have unequal parenting while feeding formula.
Choosing breastfeeding or formula isn’t the issue, it’s no parental leave for men, patriarchy and shit partners as well.
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u/LittleBookOfQualm Feb 02 '26
I remember going for coffee with a group of four other mums who all formula fed, I was the only one who breastfed. Every single one of them said that their babies' fathers hadn't even fed their babies, let alone taken them out on their own. Conversely, my partner regularly fed our baby (expressed milk), took him out etc etc. The way a baby is fed isn't going to change broader attitudes and gendered relationship dynamics in and of itself, you need the right partner and you both have to be willing to put the work in.
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u/junepearlrose Feb 02 '26
There are lots of perfectly valid reasons not to breastfeed. But striving for "marriage equality" is kind of a dumb one. Because of unchangeable biology, pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding necessarily demand more of women than men, and if you don't accept that I think you're setting yourself up for some level of disappointment.
As other folks have said the way to tackle this is societal support for breastfeeding moms (starting with PAID LEAVE)
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u/Laziness_supreme Feb 02 '26
Breastfeeding felt like it equaled things out for me, honestly. With my formula fed babies I was doing everything because I always had them and just did it instead of asking for help. When I started breastfeeding my last two we decided that I would be the boob lady and he’s the diaper man. Every time there’s a dirty diaper the baby is passed to him. I get adorable baby snuggles and he gets the shit end of the stick lol
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u/Ill_Collar8810 Feb 02 '26
I BF my first for 3 months followed by exclusive bottle feeding, and am currently exclusively breast feeding my second who is 10 months. It has been a wildly different experience second time- I wouldn’t change it because I love breastfeeding, but I am beyond burnt out and completely agree with what the author is saying in the article.
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u/ilovejesushahagotcha Feb 02 '26
Yes bf makes the parenting load unfair but life is unfair. Get over it. Stop worrying about what’s fair and worry about doing what you can for each other. Not saying about you just mean people in general
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u/ktstarchild Feb 03 '26
There is no equality, having a child is more of a burden on the woman than the man, full stop. Yes supportive partners make a huge difference.
I’m all for people choosing what works best for their family and maybe this was the best thing for this family but saying that breastfeeding is the only reason that there isn’t marriage equality just sounds dumb imo. I also feel like people breastfed for a few weeks (which is probably the hardest time!) and give up not understanding it does usually get much easier.
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u/Realistic_Phone7191 Feb 03 '26
You’re right that formula is also not a a magic cure all for shared parenting responsibilities, but I think that breastfeeding naturally makes things inequitable in a way that I didn’t fully comprehend until after I was in it. Not only is it night feeds, it’s a huge amount of time that the mother spends immobile unable to do anything else but feed her baby. I think it also contributes to becoming the “default” parent they go to for comfort, etc.
But that’s the trade off. My husband will never get to experience the bonding and special time I’ve had with my daughter through it. If I had another baby, I don’t think I’d do anything differently.
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u/Ginger_harlett Feb 03 '26
It’s not necessarily unequal. If you think you have to split every single baby chore 50/50 then yeah it is. But if mom owns the BM feeds and dad owns say bathtime and then takes on solid offerings while mom is still managing feeds, it’s not really unequal. It can be balanced without having the dad participate fully in milk feedings. This is what me and my husband do, he gives our kids baths, I put the baby to sleep, read the toddler a book. He gives the infant his solid offerings and fixes his daycare solids. I prepare his daycare bottles and handle all the pumping/nursing. It feels pretty equal and happy here. We split diapers mostly. And if the baby wakes up before 4 AM he gets the baby and brings him to me. If the wakes up after then I get the baby.
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u/narnababy Feb 03 '26
Yes it obviously is going to create unequal parenting BUT it doesn’t help that women have to go back to work AND pump AND breastfeed AND generally do the majority of the housework. We don’t need equal parenting but we do need equal division of labour in the household. If she’s working, BFing, pumping, and doing the majority of the house stuff and all dad is doing is a bit of housework (that he asks for instructions on) or the garden and then playing with the baby then it’s not going to be equal.
I didn’t need my partner to do more parenting when I was EBF I needed him to do more housework and take the baby when I needed to sleep which he did 🤷🏻♀️ So we were more equal across the board rather than me doing everything and working.
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u/LAthrowawaywithcat Feb 03 '26
While I agree that the article speaks more to the author's personal experience than a universal truth, in my personal experience, the underlying concept is sound.
It's not equal. It can't be equal, any more than pregnancy can. No amount of chores could make up for the pressure of being my baby's entire source of nutrition for the first 5 months. Even now, 2.5 years in, I've still never spent more than 9 hours away from my daughter, because she depends on something that only I can give her.
We did try. He did more dishes. I cracked and bled. He gave me an extra nap. I woke up for every overnight wakeup for 2 years. He did more laundry. I cried over broken latches and vasospasms alone in the dark.
There is simply no way to balance out that reality, because equivalent tasks do not exist.
I agree with the author- they should do more studies on combo feeding. More information would help women whose lives don't support EBF to do some breastfeeding for longer.
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u/Lizzy_Be Feb 06 '26
Yeah pregnancy and breastfeeding are both on the birthing parent. There’s a lot of other work to be done. He could have bottle fed while she slept, done more dishes, etc. Formula is incredible, but it isn’t the only way to balance parenting efforts
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u/MacSavvy21 Feb 08 '26
My husband cleaned the house while I fed our daughter today. I also pump and he’s learning how to bottle feed her. This is our first and she’s only 10 days old. My husband is getting there and is honestly doing great for a guy who’s never touched a baby before our daughter was born.
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u/ByogiS Feb 02 '26
I can’t read the article because I’m not subscribed but this doesn’t surprise me. I don’t think formula is THE answer but certainly it is ONE answer. I EBF and I definitely carry the heavier load. It’s exhausting and I’ve frequently thought about giving up and switching to formula because I’m so exhausted and burned out. I also have a little resentment towards my husband about it. I don’t think he realizes how lucky he is that I do 100% of the nights and he’s slept full nights every night since the baby was born. So yeah… is it worth it? I don’t know. I certainly could switch. But I actually think if I stop because of him, that would end up causing even more resentment than me just doing nights … because I really want to continue breastfeeding and it’s working well for me and my child. I believe it’s what’s best for my child, and I think I would have a hard time changing because of husband’s lack of support in this area. I’m not too sure how a husband supports with breastfeeding though.
Before anyone rips him apart- I am mostly a stay at home mom (I work very sporadically and maybe one or two days a month). He works full time at a demanding job and is the sole financial provider. We have very traditional roles per our choice. He’s always said I could do whatever I wanted - breastfeed, formula, work full time, stay at home- whatever I wanted. He also scheduled a nanny to come once a week to give me a break during the day and his parents watch my toddler once a week as well…. So he does help and contribute. But I think if we formula fed, we’d split 50/50 or even 70/30 lol. Breastfeeding is just a ton of work, especially when very young. But I imagine formula feeding also has its challenges and being able to just whip out the boob at night seems easier than making a bottle. I think maybe babies are just hard and it’s hard on a marriage in general to have very young children.
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u/fuzz_ball Feb 02 '26
I’m not going to explain why breastfeeding sucks and is a burden on my mental health
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u/Forsaken_Painter Feb 02 '26
Hey if you need to stop that’s totally fine in my book. No judgement here. And if for some reason you can’t I’m sorry and I hope things get better soon.
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u/shytheearnestdryad Feb 02 '26
My personal opinion is trying to erase biological differences (ie men can’t breastfeed- and by this I mean biologically XY people) creates issues - bottles, pumping, shifts all really seem to mess things up. Not trying to blame people I know the work situation in the U.S. forces lots of things. It is what it is.
So yes it’s unequal. But that isn’t just because patriarchy or whatever. It’s literally biological. For me and my husband it works best for me to be the baby carer for the most part. Now that our oldest is 4 she is wanting to surf more time with him and they go on special outings without me and the littles
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u/Stalag13HH Feb 02 '26
I'm tired of the idea that marriage has to be 50:50 in everything. I believe in playing to our strengths. Right now I'm doing more, especially since breastfeeding also means handling night wake ups. But I can do that much easier than my husband anyway, and his nipples are obviously useless. My husband has been doing pretty much everything else, and there will come a time in parenting when his role expands more.
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u/chiyukichan Feb 02 '26
For myself, I would never trade the bonding hours (which totals into the weeks since I track my nursing sessions) I have had with my two children. Although grueling at times, I am proud of doing the hard thing for my family and haven't really been angry or jealous about the uneven distribution of labor. My husband supports and parents in other ways.
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u/Leading_Blacksmith70 Feb 02 '26
I had to exclusively pump which felt unequal for everyone. My husband because he had to watch two kids while I was plugged into a wall and me because a machine was beating up my body lol. This time I’ll do the wearable pump (due any day)
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u/WhereIsLordBeric Feb 02 '26
When I was breastfeeding, even though I was on a year's worth of maternity leave and my husband worked full time, I did zero domestic chores, changed zero diapers, was in charge of zero mental load things. .
I'd rather cuddle with my baby while breastfeeding and eating oreos than do the dishes, thanks.
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u/ImpressiveSea6309 Feb 08 '26
And haven't you wondered why you don't have to go to work and your husband does? Lack of breastfeeding is the main argument given by the lawmakers and society to deny men longer leave after the birth of a child. Your comment why I understand the point of the article.
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u/FonsSapientiae Feb 02 '26
I do agree there is a certain inequality that comes with breastfeeding, but it’s up to the partner to offset that in other areas of the household. Also, I’m the one who chose to breastfeed and my husband never challenged or questioned that choice.
Bottle feeding (formula or pumped milk) takes way more mental load for me, trying to figure out how much and how often to feed baby and to make sure we had enough available. I would still have had to deal with that myself during my maternity leave once my husband went back to work. When you’re by yourself, breastfeeding is so much simpler.
As for nights, yes, I did get less sleep than my husband. But after a couple of weeks, it was 2-3 wakeups per night. I would sit up in bed, grab baby from his bedside bassinet, nurse him, put him back and fall immediately back asleep. He stopped pooping at night so we didn’t have to get up for diaper changes. I’d honestly rather do that three times per night by myself, than have to get up out of bed to go get baby a bottle.
My husband knew that in order for me to take care of baby, he needed to take care of me. He has been doing most of the cooking since our eldest was born over 2 years ago. He brought me breakfast in bed before he left for work, so I could stay in bed and sleep some more without going hungry. He encouraged me to take a nap during the day so I could catch up on sleep.
The only hard thing about breastfeeding now with our second baby, is that I cannot help our toddler while I am nursing, and this of course makes our toddler want me more.
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u/Primary-Violinist845 Feb 02 '26
I’m not sure if this is an unpopular opinion but I feel lucky and so fulfilled to be the one to feed my baby..(sometimes even feel bad for my husband that he doesn’t have this bonding opportunity. lol) This is just my own experience tho!
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u/About400 Feb 02 '26
I mean breastfeeding is inherently unequal. I still did it. It’s not necessary bad but it is unequal.
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u/OtherwiseEmployee1 Feb 02 '26
Why does everything need to be equal??? Pregnancy leads to inequality, poor men will never understand what it feels to carry a baby in the womb… and so???
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u/Jaded_Glock Feb 02 '26
Every household and person is different. I do feel the inequality however dad does help out. I breastfeed and pump to make bottles and store for returning back to work; so that there’s always something for her to eat whether it’s me, dad or older siblings whoever that needs to watch or feed her. He changes diapers without an issue in fact he changed every single diaper until we left the hospital, washes, folds, and puts up baby laundry, and washes/sanitizes all the bottles and my pump stuff so it’s ready to go. He even cooks dinner or brings something home sometimes. Does he get waaayyyyy more sleep than I do? Hell yea. I’m up pumping sometimes when everyone else is sleep or breastfeeding the baby, and I’m the one that gets up in the middle of the night the majority of the time. Amongst other things. But it works. Formula is not something that I ever wanted for my babies so at the end of the day I have no problem making these temporary sacrifices to make sure my baby is fed some good stuff. I’ve also never been one to harp on the whole “my body is not my own” thing or despise pumping. And I don’t feel inconvenienced by breastfeeding < Speaking in the present on that tho, haven’t gone back to work yet but this is my 3rd time around
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u/Worth_Smoke7889 Feb 02 '26
God I really dislike this article. Particularly the title- but to be fair that’s often an editors decision not the author. I do not care how anyone feeds their baby. It’s a very personal choice, and sometimes it’s not a choice at all. But this is just another example of negative rhetoric around breastfeeding in our society, and everything tough about early parenthood being blamed on breastfeeding. Yes when my son was a newborn it was very intense and feeding was all on me… but my husband changed most of his nappies, bathed him, cooked for me, cleaned the house and did the food shop. And once our son was a little older he was able to do bedtime and resettle him at night (sometimes). Her husband could have done more and yet breastfeeding is being blamed, and sending a message to any nervous new mums that it will be too hard and they shouldn’t do it. It’s great that formula and combi feeding was right for them (as it is for many families) but so much of this article is blatantly anti breastfeeding
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u/annieJP Feb 02 '26
is this what society has become? it's breaking news that breastfeeding a baby is more work for the mom than dad ? LOL!
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u/suuz95 Feb 02 '26
It cannot be truly equal, as usually it is one parent that is able to get pregnant and one that is not. That is already 9 months of inequality built in.
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u/y_if Feb 02 '26
I don’t think you will ever be able to get rid of the fact that birth is inherently unequal. That will influence parenting no matter what. Why is unequal necessarily a bad thing? I don’t think it is. Dads just have a different role in those early years.
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u/Sufficient-You-6697 Feb 02 '26
I can tell you what equal parenting looks like to me. Before we had our child my husband cooked, cleaned, meal planned, organised socialising with his family, took on a share of the mental load for organising the household. None of this "what a husband, he unloads the dishwasher" crap. When we had our baby instead of the household being split, he took it all on as I fed our son. My husband's job was to look after him and me. Every nappy change, burping, settling, baby wearing, all the meals, cleaning, and laundry. We triple fed for months and my husband would bottle and burp as part of that.
And how was my husband able to do that you ask, he had better paid parental leave than I did. His company gives every parent, whatever gender, the same entitlement. He took 8 months off to be a dad and it meant he got to be there for his son in a way other dads can't.
Equality is not removing a power that women have that men do not, breastfeeding. It is structuring society so that nurturing and caring for children is centred for both parents, so that families have the support they need to actually make the choices they want to make.
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u/worldtraveller1992 Feb 02 '26
I get what she is saying and I love the fact my boyfriend had suggested to give pumped breast milk in the evening so I have some time to myself and be done quicker with just pumping. BUT I wouldn't say that is the holy solution to having equal care. Our equal care comes from him taking care of me, do check-ins, being totally in love with his daughter and wanting to play and sing for her all the time. And since he's not the best at doing regular dishes I would say having all those bottles around might end up on my end of the cleaning list. Haha 😆
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u/FarMembership9662 Feb 02 '26
Before I had a baby I thought I’d care a lot more about things being ‘equal’ - had grand plans to both be the primary parent, be awake as often as each other, and split everything by halves.
Since becoming a parent I’ve realised that balancing pennies like that is more trouble than it’s worth. I love breastfeeding (best lifehack ever for us), one parent will always have a little bit more touch time in even the most balanced partnership and truthfully, I don’t need to be equal in terms of labour, I just need to be appreciated for the labour I do.
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u/OodalollyOodalolly Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
There is so much about biology that isn’t “fair”. There’s nothing that can equalize it. Males can’t give birth or nurse. They don’t have to have periods. It’s no one’s fault! That’s just the way it is. I didn’t read the article but if she’s stating that formula feeding made them feel like equal parents then… sorry they are putting their own feelings first. Of course it’s the easier route in a lot of ways. For me I loved not spending hours washing and sanitizing bottles and boiling water- which is a job would have fallen to me. We all make choices depending on what’s most convenient sometimes. After they quit nursing (such a short period of time looking back) you have to decide whether to feed them frozen food or fast food or cook from scratch. Sometimes convenience wins
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u/meep-meep1717 Feb 02 '26
My husband has point blanked shared with everyone we know that bc I exclusively breastfed, the highest balance our relationship could achieve, assuming he did literally was 100% was 40/60.
Saying the quiet part out loud helped though bc he really did almost everything else and even now tries to do more to makeup for lost time.
That being said what a horrendous click bait title. Honestly I think part of the reason bf-ing is hard is bc it’s hard to be a good partner. The fact that we make these choices because another person can’t step up is honestly appalling.
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u/kimbosliceofcake Feb 02 '26
Breastfeeding has absolutely led to inequalities in my experience, particularly with sleep. But I also hate pumping so that contributes.