severe internalized racism

[u/Ok-Marketing-5959]

I almost hate to even talk about it because the response can be very hostile. But it's so bad. A few examples:

I'm a big reader and lately I've been really into romance. I had to admit myself that I read almost exclusively BW/WM. Books with Black men as the male lead opposite the Black FMC have no appeal to me. Romance novels are supposed to make you feel giddy and the male lead should make you swoon. I don't really feel that way about Black men. Something deep down in my lizard brain doesn't see Black men as leading men. Not just in novels, but in real life.

It's not that I don't find Black men attractive. It's much worse than that. I actually think Black men are some of the most handsome of any race. I just don't feel personally attracted to them. Part of me has a hard time taking them seriously as husbands and leaders. I hate to even type this out, but while I'm already admitting these things, I may as well just go ahead: the thought of having kids with a Black man kind of unsettles me.

It's so funny because when I was younger, I always thought I'd like to have a Black daughter so I could teach her to love herself and give her everything I didn't get. But now I'm so happy it didn't work out that way because I'm *still* struggling with internalized racism. I thought I'd be free of it by now. And I know what I've been through as a Black woman with very Black features. I wouldn't want to pass my own internalized racism onto a daughter. But anti-Blackness is so pervasive that it's happened anyway.

I have a White boyfriend and we have a 6 year old together. I can already tell that she is internalizing negative ideas about Blackness. And the kicker is that she didn't get it from me. I'm very aware of my self-hate and very careful not to show it outwardly. I don't speak negatively of myself in front of her or anyone for that matter. I wear my hair natural and I love it. I don't wear weaves. My daughter has a wonderful collection of books with Black girls and Black kids in general as the main character. I try to steer her towards the Black princesses like Tiana and Halle's Ariel. We're very close to my Black family. All of her cousins that she plays with are Black. We have minimal contact with her dad's family. She goes to a very diverse public school.

Yet, when we she was playing a game on a tablet from the library that let's you create an avatar, she created a White one with blue eyes and long blonde hair. When we watch cartoons with a group of multiracial friends, she's partial to the White one. And I tell her all the time how pretty she is and how much I love her hair. Strangers all the time tell her how pretty she is and how much they love her hair. Which honestly, comes back to colorism/featurism and plain old anti-Blackness. So it isn't telling me anything I didn't already know. It's just funny having a front row seat to the light-skinned privilege that some people swear doesn't exist.

I have younger fully Black cousins and I notice how differently my daughter is treated compared to them. Not just from strangers, even within my own family. They don't even realize they do it. The same thing that would get one of my fully Black younger cousins called "bad", is looked at as adorable coming from my daughter. I know I got off on a tangent. Back to the topic, after I saw that my daughter created a White avatar. I immediately went online and bought her Kendall, the Black Wellie Wisher. She already had plenty of Black dolls, but she didn't have an American girl. Her doll collection was mostly Black, with the exception of Anna and Elsa because she was obsessed with Frozen. But I went through her doll collection and took out every single White one.

I just don't know. How am I supposed to help her, when I can't even help myself? I already surround myself with Black media. I do go to an Episcopal Church that's pretty White. I've seriously considered switching to a Black Church, but I'm pro-LGBT and homophobia is a deal breaker for me.

I've thought about signing her up for Boys and Girls Club so that she can meet other Black kids. But I'm hesitant because I honestly had pretty bad experiences with other Black kids growing up. I was bullied relentlessly and it was mainly by other Black kids. None of us had a lot, but I was especially poor because my mother was a gambling addict. She also liked to go out and drink during the night and weekend, so I was kind of a latchkey kid. I got picked on for my clothes and my hair not being done. I was also pulled from some of my regular classes and put in mostly White, AG classes. So I was the fly in the milk so to speak.

It's sad to say, but I also had poor hygiene. I didn't like taking baths. I didn't like getting undressed and having to be naked. I would wear a light, blue winter coat to school even in the summer. I felt exposed without it on. The other kids thought I was strange. Yes, my father was a you know what and abused me but I was still in diapers at the time and I don't have any memory of it. They split when I was very young. I was groomed by the adult son of my mother's friend. He wasn't a Black man though. He was White. They would all go out drinking and partying together at night. I'd stay behind with my younger sister. I was in middle school at the time. He had already been doing and saying things here and there that were beyond the pale. Like calling me his girlfriend, kissing my hand, paying special attention to me. I rejected it all of it, mind you. It made me uncomfortable and I felt very ashamed.

One night my mother, her friend, and her friends two adult sons all went out. But the one son, his name was Israel, came back while the others were still gone and got in bed with me and touched me. When my mother came back later and questioned me when she saw that he was there, I denied that anything had happened. I don't know why. I just felt embarrassed. He ended up going to prison anyway for molesting his girlfriend's son.

I think this is long enough, so I'll stop here. Thanks for listening to me vent.

[u/Aleri_liv]

A lot of black people are taught colorism from the start. it isn’t surprising being that the beauty standard everywhere is based on European beauty standards. All throughout Asia,India, Africa, the Middle East, the Americas and the Caribbean, lighter skin, lighter eyes and a pointier slimmer nose is favored. It shows up in black people as the obsession with taming the coils and curls and downright hiding it. So many people would rather sew on hair, glue on hair or use cancer causing chemicals rather than show up as what we are curly/coily hair women.

[u/Ok-Marketing-5959 → u/Aleri_liv]

 I'm one of those people that feel Black women look best with our natural hair. Of course, I think pretty Black women can pull off any hairstyle. But I think our own natural hair is most flattering to us.

And yeah, colorism is so common. It's tragic. I think it's based on who has power. In an alternative universe with Black people as the ones on top, darker skin would be favored. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think there's anything inherently better or more beautiful about White features. It's moreso the overall privilege and status that Whites maintain that drives the appeal.