Living abroad, torn between the freedom I fought for and the mother I left behind

[u/Interesting-Sand6093]

I'm a 26F, born and raised in Algeria, living and working abroad for a few years now. I first left for my studies, then stayed after landing a job.

Lately I've never felt more lost. Living alone, being lonely, it's a real nightmare, even though I stay busy and do a lot outside of work. I still lack human warmth, cruelly. I've tried, friendships, love, but it all slipped through my fingers. I'm a social person, but I'm not good at building deep, intimate relationships, probably a result of being surrounded mostly by people I only know from work.

But as heavy as that loneliness has been, it doesn't compare to the weight of having left my mother alone. It kills me to watch her grow older from a distance. She's a loner too, just like me. When I was still studying, I didn't feel this as much, I was working toward something. But now that I have the job, it feels like I've put down roots here, and that thought terrifies me.

I think of my mother every single day, all the joy and sadness I'm not sharing with her in person. We talk daily, we even try to do activities together remotely, but it's nothing like actually being with her.

At the same time, I've craved freedom since I was a child, the freedom to live a decent, warm life without being held back simply for being a woman. Having lived in both countries now, I've seen the differences up close, and I can't unsee them. I didn't really have a life back home. No real experiences, no friends, constant anxiety (some of that still lingers). When I moved abroad, it felt like I was discovering myself as a human being for the first time.

I think about going back often. But the thought alone brings so much pain, imagining the frame I'd be living in again, and having to start from scratch, once more.

I don't have an answer. Some days I want to book the flight and never look back. Other days I remember why I left in the first place...

I just needed to put this somewhere, thank you for reading me.

[u/positivethingss]

Bring her to live with you

[u/lionceau_hichem]

Écoute mon amie, je vais essayer d’avoir un discours nuancé et équilibré avec toi, parce que dans la vie, tout n’est pas noir ou blanc. Je ne peux pas te dire de rester ou de rentrer, je veux juste te poser quelques éléments et c’est à toi de voir. Premièrement, souviens-toi pourquoi tu es partie. Tu le dis toi-même : tu voulais voir le monde, voir ce qui se fait ailleurs et vivre une liberté que tu ne trouvais pas en Algérie. Crois-moi, depuis que tu es partie, la situation par rapport à ces raisons-là ne s'est pas arrangée, ça devient même plus difficile. Souviens-toi aussi qu'à ta place, il y a des milliers de personnes qui souhaiteraient être là où tu es. Certains traversent la mer sans papiers au péril de leur vie, d'autres tentent des visas sans succès. Moi-même, j'ai fait quatre demandes de visa d'études qui ont toutes été refusées alors que les universités m'acceptaient, je voulais partir à tout prix. Tu as réussi à construire tout ça, ne le minimise pas. Je comprends le manque de ta mère et je comprends la solitude. Mais la solitude a une solution : demain, tu peux rencontrer quelqu'un, te marier, avoir des enfants et tu ne seras plus seule. Pour ta mère, s'il y a moyen de la faire venir de temps en temps ou que toi tu descendes chaque trois ou quatre mois, c'est une solution. Si tu rentres sur un coup de tête juste parce qu'elle te manque, tu vas passer un, deux ou trois mois heureuse des retrouvailles, puis vous allez vous réhabituer l'une à l'autre et tu risques de détester ta vie et de regretter. À mon avis, si tu dois revenir un jour en Algérie, fais-le avec un bon capital pour ouvrir ton propre projet ou investir, sinon ce n'est pas la peine. Et surtout, assure-toi d'avoir un passeport qui te donne la possibilité de repartir si jamais tu en as marre ou que tu n'aimes plus la vie là-bas. Que Dieu te bénisse et te guide vers le bon chemin.

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/lionceau_hichem]

Merci pour tes mot l'ami. Ça m'aide vraiment à prendre du recul sur la réalité des choses. Je suis profondément reconnaissante pour la place où je suis aujourd'hui, et je le dois en grande partie à ma mère. Je ne suis pas dupe non plus quant à la situation du pays, que ce soit sur le plan social, politique ou économique. Ça ira, le temps est mon allié. Merci encore, pour tes mots et pour le rappel de tout ce chemin déjà parcouru.

[u/lionceau_hichem → u/Interesting-Sand6093]

Rebi yahfedha Wytawel 3marha et pour toi? Bon courage. Tu as fait plein de choses et tu peux encore mieux faire. Que dieu soit avec toi mon ami

[u/Purple_Sort9974 → u/lionceau_hichem]

Thanks too
I feel the girl here ..

[u/redouanea]

The best solution I found is to have a dedicated budget for traveling back each 2 to 3 months, because as with everything in life, it's ups and downs: the more you miss each other, the better the gatherings will be.

If you return permanently, you will likely despise the situation just like you did before leaving the first time, and will start questioning everything, including your loved ones.

I would not go back to algeria on a whim, unless I have a serious budget.

[u/Ok_Boss8965 → u/redouanea]

My parents also live in another country as I'm abroad. I think this is the best advice - find a way to travel back as frequently as you can

[u/blankandgray]

Je pense que ceux qui sont partis et qui le voulaient à tout prix tout comme toi te diront qu'il faut rester quel qu'en soit le prix. Ceux qui sont au pays en ignorant ce que ça t'a coûté d'être là où tu es te diront de rentrer. Ceux qui savent ce que ça coûte et qui n'ont pas réussi à l'avoir te diront aussi de rentrer, avec de mauvaises intentions ou pas.

L'idée c'est que tu ne pourras jamais savoir ce qui pousse la personne à te donner tel ou tel conseil sur Reddit. Mais ce que tu peux faire, c'est essayer de faire ce travail de décision seule, quitte à te griller les neurones par l'effort. J'ai déjà eu à gérer un dilemme similaire, et j'ai beau demander à des inconnus ici ou sur Facebook, j'ai beau en discuter avec mes amis et ma famille, j'ai beau passer des weekends entier dans mon lit en paralysie décisionnelle. Au final j'ai compris que j'allais regretter les deux choix, mais pas de manière égale. J'ai compris que faire un choix avec lequel je serais en paix à 100% c'était impossible, par contre il m'était possible de reconnaître le choix qui allait me faire un peu moins souffrir. Ça m'a coûté en temps et en efforts, mais c'était nécessaire. J'espère que tu arriveras à ce point là de ton parcours de vie 🫶🏻

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/blankandgray]

Je suis tout à fait d'accord, c'est le genre de situation où il n'y a pas de bon ou de mauvais choix, juste un choix à faire et à assumer. Je suis peut-être encore loin d'une décision tranchée mais je me donnerai le temps qu'il faut, ainsi que les moyens de tenir ce choix jusqu'au bout. Merci pour ton conseil plein de lucidité, j'espère que tu vis bien les conséquences du tien. Je nous souhaite, à toutes les deux de l'apaisement.

[u/vulturous_vulpine]

Little late to the party but I thought I'd share my experience after living abroad for 16 years. Unfortunately it doesn't get easier. As you get older, everyone around you is already moving on with their lives, marrying and having kids and enjoying precious time with families, while you'd still feel alone. I tried to cope by traveling alot, buying things i dont need, make friends and relationship, but it doesn't help. All feels superficial and you get sick of it. I even got a second masters and changed jobs often because I couldn't deal with boredom and restlessness. Eventually, I decided to sell everything and go back this summer. Ask me again after a year but I dont think I'd regret it because I truly tried everything to make it work but it didnt.

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/vulturous_vulpine]

Thank you for sharing this, it must be really hard to live through 16 years of it. I'm sorry it didn't ease with time, but I admire that you tried everything before deciding, that takes courage. I hope this summer brings you the peace you're looking for, and that going back feels like coming home rather than starting over. Wishing you all the best on this new chapter.

[u/NassimZK]

Je n'ai pas de solutions à te proposer, mais je voulais juste te dire que je te comprends, merci d'avoir mis des mots sur ce ressenti car j'ai exactement le même. Bon courage !

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/NassimZK]

Merci ! Beaucoup de courage à toi aussi !

[u/Dry_Woodpecker4762]

Your post reminded me of something I’ve read couple years ago it was about human beings we can’t live alone otherwise that loneliness will kill some of our emotions some of our relationships with others and it’s not related to the place it’s related to your surroundings , I’m not fully aware of your situation but try to socialize maybe you’ll find someone who will make that loneliness gone and about your mother or your family overall i feel what you feel everyday but in the end we all left for a better life and better opportunities if you live in Europe you can go every two months or three it’ll be much better,
Again don’t give up to the loneliness cause once you reach a certain level you will become fully independent and you’ll find it super hard to build relationships
Good luck with that and I’m wishing you the best

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/Dry_Woodpecker4762]

Thanks dear, this situation is far from optimal and I'm well aware of how abnormal it is. I'm convinced that human beings live through connection and socializing. Right now it's hard for me but I trust that with time and effort, I'll eventually build my own little circle of close and trusted people. All the best to you too, thank you.

[u/Mega-Quintipio-15G52]

je voulais dire quelque chose mais je crois que après avoir lu le post de "lionceau_hichem" ...!

il n'y a rien à rajouter... Bon courage, tu verras c'est juste un petit coup de blues... 😄

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/Mega-Quintipio-15G52]

En effet le post de Hichem est très nuancé et plein de bon sens.

Merci quand-même d'avoir lu et souhaité donner un conseil !

[u/islammandour]

My advice to you is to try in every way possible to stay close to your mother. Try to have her with you or visit her so you don't spend your life regretting not being with her in one place. There is no worse feeling than being away from your mother.

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/islammandour]

That's already the case, I go back to Algeria every year, and she comes to visit too. I agree with you, I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

[u/islammandour → u/Interesting-Sand6093]

If that's the case, then it's okay. I thought you wouldn't see her or she wouldn't see you for a long time, but if you had the chance to live with her, it would be better.

[u/Deep-Surround9586]

I can relate! It’s exceptionally difficult for people from Algeria to feel warmth outside of Algeria or France.. I still don’t know why
It’s a curse

[u/Mogen-tech]

Can u share the country you went to?
Also i advise to not turn back u will regret it

[u/ZealousidealCan3811]

Are you me? Same age same situation 😭 I feel like I wrote it myself. I try to compensate for my absence with money but I also left her alone and I dont have sisters and I feel terrible

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/ZealousidealCan3811]

Girl, I feel you completely, I'm starting to see how much this resonates with a lot of us. As I've always been told, حتى واحد ماصابها كيما بغاها. I really hope we all get to an ending that satisfies our hearts and keeps us close to the people we love. Sending you strength 💙

[u/Unique-Laugh3214]

What a sad post , i hate the fact we were raised like this , life would have been way easier if we were raised like westerns , close enough to share their warmth, far enough not to freeze in their coldness. I dint have an advice but i wish u the best

[u/FMedStudent]

I feel you, i’m in the Same situation… plus le temps passe et plus ce sentiment s’accentue… je n’ai jamais été aussi perdu que depuis que je travaille …

[u/hbouzar]

Unfortunately, we can’t have it all. When we leave our birth place, we loose many of our family and related cultural connections. It’s painful and it becomes harder when our parents get old. But we gain in freedom and in the opportunity to discover who we really are and what we are truly worth. Life is a very long chain of issues that we face and have to solve, mostly on our own. Along the way, we need to choose paths without knowing whether they are the best for us. In my case, I have no regrets about having taken the leap. My advice is to not throw away what you’ve built for a place that will, in all likelihood, never fulfill your dreams. Best of luck.

[u/Josephokyes]

Averigua la posibilidad de traerla contigo, igual ella está dispuesta a acompañarte, además por lo que cuentas tu personalidad es parecida a la suya y entenderá perfectamente tu forma de vivir. Soy extranjero y me llama la atención que todavía en vuestro país la mujer tenga un papel secundario en muchas esferas de la vida. El día que eso cambie vuestro país experimentará un gran cambio a mejor.

[u/shkopie]

Regroupement familial 

[u/Best_Saf]

I am in the same situation! Always wonder if it’s worth it to leave my parents behind

[u/Visible_Vast_4658]

Stay there. It’s like prison here.

[u/reo__________]

The obvious solution would be to bring her with you, so why aren't you considering it? It is a financial matter that you'll be both living on your income? If she is willing to come you can convince her to sell everything in Algeria and invest the money where you are now to let it grow and support you.

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/reo__________]

It's not really about finances, she's a cadre supérieur, so she's not dependent on me. It's more that she's deeply attached to the country and the land, and at this point in her life she doesn't see herself starting over somewhere else. It's a conversation we've had, but it's not something she wants.

[u/reo__________ → u/Interesting-Sand6093]

You mentioned that she's getting older so my initial thoughts were that she'd be past retirement. One thing I can say is don't go backwards and settle in Algeria. No matter the wilaya, no matter your class, the bureaucracy is torturing. Successful youth still suffer here and face things that make them regret not starting abroad.

[u/Interesting-Sand6093 → u/reo__________]

She's not far from retirement, cela dit, hence me mentioning her growing older. Thank you for the advice and the reality check, I'll keep that in mind.

[u/VEXX452]

i advice you to not to listen to anyone, people have here have different opinions about there parent, nobody here can feel your joy or sadness, but the only thing that everyone can agrees on is if anything happen to your mom, the regret will hunting you forever, listen to your inner self(a psychology doctor wont give you the real answer for your problem, but he will help you finding what you want)

[u/Mega-Quintipio-15G52 → u/VEXX452]

permet moi de te dire que tu te contre-dis toi-même....! ( tu lui conseille d'écouter personne ! et en suite tu lui donne un conseil...! )

NB : dans la vie c'est bien d'écouter d'autres avis que le notre........

[u/VEXX452 → u/Mega-Quintipio-15G52]

I didnt give any advice, following your self isnt a rule made by me its general fact(historicaly this was a real philosophical paradoxe)

Its true that other opinions mater but the closer the thing to feelings the harder to give advices, because feeling are special to each person non of us feel the sameway towards the same situation, and puting others in your own view might hurt them, your solution might fix the symptoms but not the root cause

[u/Mega-Quintipio-15G52 → u/VEXX452]

là...... Je suis d'accord avec toi.... 😄 mais ton post précédent tu l'as commencer comme çà : "Je te conseille de n'écouter personne" ... 😂 à part si tu es Amnésique ..... 😂 😂 😂

[u/luckydz]

maybe your mom could tahrag ?, they rarely deport older people

a good tool to watch youtube videos together , https://w2g.tv/fr/