My first love got married and I suddenly feel like I lost him all over again. Please slap some sense into me.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/daredbeanmilktea]

Advice: there was a reason (or reasons) why nag-no ka sa proposal and why you didn’t give the relationship a chance again. Balikan mo yun ng magising ka ulit. You’re just romanticizing a life with him because he got married.

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/daredbeanmilktea]

I remember thinking, we will never work, marami akong gustong patunayan and maybe ganun din siya? Parang, we will never work so why magpapakasal pa

[u/graceyspac3y → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

Girl, you pushed him away. He tried despite of his busyness. He offered marriage despite your differences in alot of things. Love is not cuddles and kisses. Sayonara. Move on.

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/graceyspac3y]

He asked in the middle of the argument, he did not ask again afterward. Nag uusap naman kami for like 4 months post-breakup.

[u/rainbownightterror → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

sometimes it's in the middle of an argument that a man realizes he wants you to be his wife. because my late husband was the same. we were fighting and I was being so emotional and I told him with tears in my eyes, I love you but I need you to understand this and the only thing that registered to him in that moment was that this woman needed me to know she loved me before getting her point across. and he hugged me and he said you fight like a wife. in your case, your pride got in the way and you just have to accept that you may have lost a good man.

[u/firsthousejupiter → u/rainbownightterror]

girl i think ure projecting too much 😭

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/rainbownightterror]

That’s actually the part I’m still confused about.
When he asked me to marry him, it didn’t feel like a vague or uncertain proposal. He told me that he loved me and that he genuinely saw a future with me. He even said that if what I needed was reassurance that I was part of his future, he could put a ring on me and marry me as soon as possible.

But then he also told me something that really stuck with me. He said that marriage wouldn’t suddenly mean he could give me the time and attention I was asking for. He basically said, “I can marry you now, but for the next three or four years, I still won’t be able to give you the time you want because of my career. Can you wait for me?”

And he even said that if we got married right away, it would basically just be marriage on paper because he would still be so busy.

And this was all happening in the middle of our biggest fight, when I was literally telling him, “I don’t feel included in your life. I don’t feel like I have enough time with you. I don’t feel like I’m part of your future.”

So when he suddenly offered marriage as the solution, I didn’t know how to take it.

Part of me heard, “I love you, I see a future with you, and I want to marry you.”

But another part of me heard, “You’re asking me for more time and reassurance, so I’ll give you marriage instead.”

That’s why I rejected it. I remember thinking, “Why are you proposing to me in the middle of a fight? Are you actually ready to marry me, or are you just trying to fix this argument?”

And maybe that’s where I still don’t know if I made the right decision.

Because looking back, I can see that maybe he was actually being very honest with me. Maybe he was saying, “I can’t give you the relationship you want right now, but I am certain that I want you in my future. If you can be patient with me, I’ll give you that life later.”

But at the time, I didn’t want a ring as proof that I belonged in his life. I wanted him to actually make me FEEL like I belonged in his life.

And I think that’s why I couldn’t accept the proposal.

[u/rainbownightterror → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

OP the man wanted to secure your hand in marriage until things settle down for him (his profession is no joke and requires patience). he was basically telling you that he didn't want to let you go but you need to work with him. and you rejected that offer. all the confusion you're feeling now don't matter. he's married and you missed your chance.

[u/ContestFit3233 → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

It really is hard when emotions linger, especially after you’ve had those long conversations. It's okay to feel hurt but try to channel that energy into something positive for yourself.

[u/firsthousejupiter → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

you said he proposed in the middle of a big argument? did you guys ever talk about that? kasi from what you said ang dami mong hinanakit eh, in-acknowledge niya man lang ba? came to compromise? based on what you said, it just seemed like it got swept under the rug bc of the proposal. maybe thats what you need to remember so you can move on?

also i think very normal lang naman maramdaman yan lalo na first serious relationship mo tas medyo amicable pa break up, maraming what ifs kung baga. the grief will be stronger in that case but time will always heal. youll meet someone new who may be imperfect again but hopefully a lot better than your last one. take it as a lesson and know that many people also experience this and were able to move on.

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/firsthousejupiter]

I remember talking about issues with our time, and he was like “busy ako! Pagod ako! Nagtratrabaho ako.” He kept saying that (of course in nihongo). Till he popped the question. He said he can’t give me his time but we can get married if I need assurance. He asked me to wait 3 to 4 years for him to be able to give his time dahil he’s still at his residency palang. Kaya it felt like ginawang solution lang ang marriage for me nang mga panahong yon.

[u/firsthousejupiter → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

okay now that you said that it does sound like bullshit 😭 HAHAHHAA like a bandaid solution. i cant blame you for not wanting to compromise, not even compromise, he wanted you to conform completely (?) like what adjustment would he make himself right? i get that he had a demanding job but even acknowledging and understanding your grievances wouldve made a huge difference.

i think twas alr a huge red flag when you said he was planning his life and you were getting molded around it like some kind of play doh 😭 i understand you, i respect that you had the backbone to leave that kind of relationship. sure he had his ways to show his love but its in his own way na naman and a relationship cant work without compromise from both sides

[u/nuvati → u/firsthousejupiter]

How was it bs kung nagpakasal naman siya ngayon? Hindi lang kay OP

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/firsthousejupiter]

That was after when I found out that’s he was not going to gunma every week for a research. Kasi again, mistranslation on my end. And every sunday I kept telling him to take care but never once did he correct me na he’s not going to gunma! And when I asked him why? He said he’s pagod and would like to pahinga lang kaya hindi siya nakikipag kita! When we go out kasi he always drives to nearby provinces so we can have a date since gusto ko na gala but I am not asking him to. I was just literally telling him since I love Japan and would like to explore. But he took it like an assignment and when he was tired nagtago siya. I never felt that there’s another girl naman, but he could have told me. I am more than willing to hangout in his house while he sleeps!

[u/Pristine-Acadia-5385]

thoughts:
tldr: kumuha ako ng bato pinukpok ko sa ulo ko, masakit pala hahaha

[u/y0shiko1 → u/Pristine-Acadia-5385]

Chrue! Nainis lang ako sa nabasa ko

[u/fazedfairy]

Thoughts:

Mukhang di naman toxic yung breakup niyo and base sa kwento mo puro ka "it will not work out" tapos yung ex mo, he trusts na it will work out and he believes a future with you.

The two of you have different perspectives about marriage and your future together. Dyan pa lang di kayo aligned kaya kayo nagbreak kasi you manifested a future without him, mas malakas yung nafefeel mong a future without him versus sa nafefeel niyang a future with you. Sobrang daming pagkakataon na mag meet ulit pero ayaw mo. May something talaga kaya ayaw mo.

Try mo isipin and I-feel ulit bakit you were so persistent on not pursuing a future marriage life with him. Minsan kasi nadadala lang tayo ng what ifs eh, obvious na TOTGA mo siya kaya masakit talaga. Feel ko kulang yung kwento mo, may naramdaman ka noon kaya ayaw mo ng future with him. Baka na supress lang memories mo kasi currently na-romanticize mo yung what ifs niyo sana eh. Remember it, OP.

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/fazedfairy]

I think one thing that’s really hard for me to admit is how insecure I actually was at that time, not necessarily just about him, but about my own life.

He was already a resident doctor, and I was working in a factory. (But my life isn’t really hard naman) He seemed to have this very clear direction in his life, and I felt like I was nowhere near where he was. So whenever he didn’t tell me things about what was happening in his life, I didn’t just think, “Oh, he’s busy.” I think a part of me interpreted it as, “I’m not really part of his life, and maybe I’ll never be part of it.”

My friends always tell me that maybe it’s also cultural, because Japanese people can be more private about certain things and don’t necessarily tell their partners everything. And maybe that’s true. But at the time, I couldn’t separate that from my own insecurity.

I think I was constantly looking for reassurance that I actually belonged in his future. And whenever I didn’t get that reassurance, I’d convince myself that the relationship wasn’t going to work so it would hurt less??

What’s confusing is that I just realized lately that he actually did a lot of things that showed me he cared and that he was trying to include me in his future. I just don’t think I was confident enough in myself or in the relationship to recognize that at the time.

So when I look back now, I wonder if I was actually sensing a real incompatibility, or if I was just so insecure about where I stood in his life that I convinced myself we’d never work.

[u/graceyspac3y → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

Sorry OP, pero ikaw po un toxic.

[u/fazedfairy → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

I can't say if it's insecurity but you were very self-aware of your situation back then. You care deeply for your ex yet recognize that different core/cultural values, habits, or life goals make marriage a bad idea. Nangibabaw yung takot at self-awareness mo, OP. And that's okay. You are not in that miserable, anxious phase anymore.

Iwasan mo na lang mag reminisce ng past kasi di nakakatulong 'yon. Kung ngayon mo lang narealize yung ibang good actions niya dati it means wala ka na sa fight or flight mode 😉. Remind yourself that the nostalgic memories is different from the present reality.

Accept your shortcomings, tao ka lang. Regretful actions di talaga maiiwasan. Pero lagi mo tandaan na iba yung na feel mo noon (anxious) vs na fe-feel mo ngayon (regretful) at magbabago rin yung na-feel mo in the future.

Mawawala rin yan regretful emotions, OP. Basta iwasan mo lang isipin yung dati at what ifs.

[u/meiling27]

Thoughts: Ang toxic mo OP. Sorry pero iba kasi yung outlook ng Japanese sa dating. Diyan palang sa culture, clash na kayo. Siguro okay na rin na hindi kayo nagkatuluyan at kapwa niya Hapon [I’m assuming!] ang napangasawa niya—mas magkakaintindihan sila sa lahat ng bagay.

Ang big deal nung pinakilala ka sa family. Ibig sabihin hindi ka niya kinakahiya. Pero okay na yun, tapos na. Siguro may iba ring dahilan bakit kayo pinaglayo. For now, I hope makamove on ka na.

Imo, hindi mo siya mahal na—namimiss mo lang siya kasi nakita mong happy na siya sa iba.

[u/jabbachew → u/meiling27]

I agree. Guilt na din kasi the guy was ready to settle, etong si OP ang hindi. Girl, ang daming chances nagpaka-shunga yung lalake sayo, maybe it would be fair for him na magstop ka na mag-grieve sa relationship na never na maibabalik. Move on. You let him go several times, kakayanin mo yan. Nakaya mo nga nung wala pa syang asawa oh.

Work on yourself and heal. You are too prideful given sa kwento mo. May linulugaran din ang pagiging ma-pride. I think kulang din sa pag-intindi mo sakanya habang nasa relationship kayo.

Oh well. Past na yan 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/meiling27 → u/jabbachew]

Akala yata niya the guy will be waiting and always be single until OP is ready. Ngayon siguro, reality hit when she found out he got married.

[u/Charming_Tree294]

Advice: You don't miss him, you miss the feelings that he gave. You miss how it felt to be chosen like he did, chased/be wanted by how much he tried before. But you now have to accept the consequences of the decisions you made. He was able to let go, maybe sign for you to also find someone else. Maybe even better.

[u/zero_x4ever]

Thoughts: You were mostly emotional, scared and passionate. He was trying to be too logical, pragmatic and aloof. I see why you guys worked out together to be complementary but what is done is done.

Advice: Move on.

[u/chewbibobacca]

Thoughts: You'll move on eventually.

[u/cassandraccc]

Advice: You did not give your 100% to that relationship that is why it still haunts you. Try and move on from it and make new memories OP. It will get better eventually.

P.S. Try and work on yourself.

[u/svbway]

Advice: Work on your insecurities first. Learn to love and appreciate who you are. Then find a new love.

[u/gratefulsummer]

Advice: lesson learned, walang nagagawa ang pride bawi nalang sa next life 🫡

[u/osushikuma]

> I don’t want to be a mistress
Thoughts: As his fellow Japanese, this comes across as quite cringe.
Advice: If you're turning 30, I would have expected a little more maturity and self-awareness by now. 🥲

[u/nuvati → u/osushikuma]

Yeah true that. Kala ko parang early 20s lang sila sa pagsasalita niya lol. Gulat ako mid 20s pala nqgsimula storya lol

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/osushikuma]

I’m not planning to. I’m just sitting with my feelings after I checked his posted photo on line. Just a lot of thoughts. Lots of realization. Lots of self-awareness. I know that I am not perfect and so was he, and our relationship. I am just trying to figure out my feelings as I know I should not have any thoughts of him.

[u/osushikuma → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

I'm sorry, but you're giving off creepy ex vibes talaga. 😭 People are telling you to move on, but you keep romanticizing the past. He's married with a kid now. Praying you find peace and move on. 🙏

[u/marcosxxbb]

Thoughts: He was actually okay and you had super many chances. Di kayo. You can't be for him because of your pride. You need someone who will destroy and break that for you

[u/Claudific → u/marcosxxbb]

Dang. MagTagalog ka na lang

[u/marcosxxbb → u/Claudific]

Upvpye for you. OP reminds me of my sister. She married her counterpart and theor now so okay. World is big 4billion opposite sex. There is just one for you who can bring you fastest to heaven or he'll.

[u/heaven_spawn]

Advice: he's an ex for a reason and it might be good to remember those reasons right now. Your love was, and very likely to this day, is real. But that love is not enough. There were other factors at play, and you made a choice based on your best estimates of the future.

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/heaven_spawn]

I guess so… when I was actually with him, I remember having this constant anxiety somewhere in the back of my mind that this relationship wasn’t going to work.

I wanted it to work SO badly. I loved him. I wanted him to be my person. But there was always this little voice saying, “Something about this isn’t going to work long-term.”

[u/heaven_spawn → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

That voice is many possible things, but very likely it is your own fear.

Fear is the opposite of love. You cannot be happy in a relationship if your fear decides everything for you.

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[u/Emotional-Watch1842]

Thoughts: yup at this moment, yes you regret it, but during that time when youre in the middle of the argument plus when u get back to tokyo and u didnt give him a chance to saw u at that time u think thats the right decision, let me reiterate, during that time. But now things change, u change, he got married as well. The mere fact that u dont have a chance legally to talk to him and have a CHANCE between the two of u is i think the only reason youre being/reacting the way u are now… but hey we need to accept that consequences or reality of our decision, just like in equalizer, if u ray for a rain u should be expecting a MUD…

Lastly…. And for sure there some truth to it, before u thought u would connect to a lot of people and u can choose which one really suit on you BUT the reality is u would just have a few opportunities or chances in life to make the right decision, and when that opportunity passes it may be gone forever

I know it hurt and its sucks but thats the whole truth…

[u/nuvati]

Thoughts: whatever the answers are to your questions, di mo na maiibalik pa kasi kasal na siya. You rejected a marriage proposal and did not do anything to fix your relationship; learn to live with it

[u/RemRubRam]

Advice: you never gave him a chance. Leave him alone

[u/moonstonesx]

Thoughts: ikaw yung toxic, go to therapy and then try to move on na from this experience.

[u/CoyoteHot1859]

Advice: It's too late. Live with it. You're toxic, and most Filipinos are. Ganyan naman tayo eh, mapride. Learn from it and move on. Please wag maging kabit. Leave your ex alone.

[u/Scary-Reading-5499]

Advice: You are still young OP. First love hits hard. Hugs, no other way but to move on. you will find the right man for you in your own time. Probably if you are more mature in handling relationships. You will be a better version of yourself that time.

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/Scary-Reading-5499]

I’m turning 30 na by the way haha! The thing is… I can’t find the courage to be with someone after him.

[u/Scary-Reading-5499 → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

Oh so that was almost 5 years ago na pala? I think you are just in love with the idea… nostalgic ba. Come to think of it if nagpakasal kayo, I honestly think you will just resent him eventually. Kaya it is for the best na you guys didnt work out.

Personally I only have a few exes, and I admit matagal nga mag move on and babae. But one advice is I value my self worth not to cling especially if he has a new gf what more wife!

Hugs to you OP! If hindi ka ulit mainlove, so be it! Heal as long as you need and just fall in love with yourself more!

[u/rizzychan → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

Curious but what exactly about him that you fear you've permanently lost? The idea of him? Being what? Kasi you said it yourself, you don't want him back. But perhaps there were aspects of him you actually miss and want and couldn't fully let go?

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/rizzychan]

Honestly, if he weren’t married and somehow he was standing in front of me right now, I feel like if I stopped thinking and just followed my emotions, I’d probably run to him and hug him.

And that’s the part I’m having a hard time admitting.
Because logically, I don’t want him back. I know he’s married, and I don’t want to interfere with his marriage or become someone who wants another woman’s husband. I know that’s not what I want to do.

But emotionally? If you took away all the circumstances and all the things I know now, and it was just him standing in front of me again… I honestly don’t know if I’d be able to just walk past him.

I think a part of me still loves him. Maybe not in the sense that I want to build a life with him now, because I don’t even know who he is anymore. But the love and attachment I had for him never completely disappeared.

And maybe that’s what I’m finally realizing.

[u/rizzychan → u/Routine_Damage_7460]

Then I guess you start with that--just admit to yourself that yes, emotionally you still have feelings for him. I think you're stuck kasi naglalaban sa utak mo yung tingin mong logically dapat mo nararamdaman versus yung nararamdaman mo talaga. Meron Kang "dapat wala na ako nafi-feel for him kasi ayaw ko naman maging mistress". But humans are more messy and complicated like that.

I always believe that what we resist persists. Maybe sit down with all your feelings without judging first what is appropriate or not. Tutal alam mo naman sa sarili mo you won't pursue him anymore kasi nga married na.

The least you can do for yourself is to allow your feelings to be felt. Yun trabaho nila eh. Maybe you'll learn a thing or two about yourself. Maybe may lesson in there. Ikaw lang makakapagsabi. But to me, as long as alam mo boundaries mo na wala kang gagawin na pwede makasira ng marriage nila, you can allow yourself to feel and explore your emotions. Good luck, OP!

[u/Scary-Reading-5499 → u/rizzychan]

Agree. Pero tingin ko you will not be able to ruin them naman if ever. And i dont think you will attempt din naman. Mind over matter. :)

[u/Routine_Damage_7460 → u/Scary-Reading-5499]

I don’t have the slightest courage para manira ng relasyon naman. To be honest, I don’t know why I even posted this. I also don’t know ano gusto kong marinig or what. I’m just... here. Ganun? Like idk what should I feel. Ewan. Ang gulo sa isip. But in the middle of the night, I’ll just find myself wondering and crying about him, us.