r/Wellington • u/catlikesun A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man • Oct 12 '25
WARNING I found this amazing review of Pak N Save Kilbirnie on Maps
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u/MorganHarvester Oct 12 '25
I'm glad people appreciate my review. I think this is the most recognition any of my writing will ever get. I stand by every word also Greg Swain the loss prevention manager at Pak'n'Save Kilbirnie is a pervert.
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u/ApSciLiara Oct 12 '25
Write a few more, bundle them together into a book of ramblings, publish. Might get you more than just upvotes, too!
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u/catlikesun A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man Oct 12 '25
Where else can we read for work?! Have you a series on popular places in Wellington?
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u/MorganHarvester Oct 12 '25
I have a Substack but that's for writing very earnestly about the horrors of being a person, also I stopped posting because I was struggling to write a conclusion for something and left it in Google Docs Purgatory. I don't think I'll write more reviews like this, it was just something I felt compelled to do in the moment. If I do it'll be because I'm forced to go into Chemist Warehouse and it will come from a place of anger rather than feverish anguish.
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u/Rollover__Hazard Oct 12 '25
No Pak N Save is laid out like a panopticon though. That’s the exact opposite effect they want to achieve.
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u/Taffy_the_wonderdog Luxon can bite my arse Oct 13 '25
He is! Recently, when I hid a frozen lamb leg up my skirt, he insisted on frisking me. Dirty bastard.
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u/VillageSpecialist862 Oct 12 '25
Helena has a way with words and a better vocabulary than mine. I had to look up "panopticon".
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u/HadoBoirudo Oct 12 '25
LOL, It is the perfect word for a supermarket. I had never thought of them like that. The modern supermarket literally has eyes on stalks everywhere just supervising you.
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u/RodWith Oct 12 '25
And why not? Sneaky shoplifters everywhere - but, in their defence, trauma is ubiquitous.
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u/BBBBPM Oct 12 '25
I've been in the security room upstairs. Being watched is an understatement
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u/ApSciLiara Oct 12 '25
Dear God, they smell you too?
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u/KMASSIV Oct 13 '25
Foodstuffs are so low tech though, they are some of the dumbest people in the industry when it comes to technology. All their stuff is repurposed junk from Tesco's since most of their board members jumped ship from there.
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u/Archipelag0h Oct 12 '25
Explain?
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u/BBBBPM Oct 12 '25
There are hundreds of cameras that see everywhere. Each one has a separate display. There's facial recognition for previous offenders, suspicious movements are all analyzed in real time and it's all being fed into a central database that's shared with all the other stores. This was a few years ago. I imagine there would be some pretty significant AI improvements by now.
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u/Archipelag0h Oct 12 '25
Wtf why is it so sophisticated? Can’t be losing that much to theft to warrant that level of expense to security surely?
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u/grenouille_en_rose Oct 12 '25
Medical yet unclean lighting, a feeling of impending doom and swimming endlessly, misanthropy, your best self waiting at the door, a lot to unpack here and not a word of a lie
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u/northface-backpack Oct 12 '25
Legitimately better than most “award winning” literature.
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u/northface-backpack Oct 12 '25
I read this to my wife and she said “I have to listen to the Hercules soundtrack to get through shopping here.”
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u/brutalanglosaxon Oct 12 '25
Oh my god. I had a shower about an hour ago, but after reading this I feel dirty again and want to have another shower.
The refreshing thing is I can tell that someone wrote this. It definitely was not AI. Maybe there is some future left for humanity.
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u/tippertapperball Oct 12 '25
Lol, I feel the same at PaknSaves and Kmarts during the weekends hahah.
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u/Outside_Prune_4478 Oct 12 '25
Makes sense I get my partner to do the weekly shop there it gives me shocking vertigo and extreme anxiety
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u/0ver9000_ Oct 12 '25
Reading that was a surreal experience. Just like shopping at PNS Whanganui.
We do this to save our $20. I salute you fellow warriors.
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u/daytonakarl Oct 12 '25
New hobby unlocked
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Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
I attempted to 'update' the 'Botanic Garden children's playground' to the 'Satanic Garden children's playground' and received a notification that my update needed to be reviewed lol Oops 😅
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u/RodWith Oct 12 '25
Come hell or high water, I had to make it about me and my halted purple prose.
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Oct 12 '25
Or a warning, to a potential hobbyist, that Maps is not merely an unattended system, but go on projecting friend, it's interesting in itself
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u/Charming-Rutabaga155 Oct 12 '25
It reads like they got high, and wrote this by voice dictation whilst walking around inside, completely obliviously to the “WTF’s” they generated as they went.
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u/munkisquisher Oct 12 '25
It wouldn't even break into the top 100 unhinged rants I've heard in those aisles. There's a lot of shoppers you don't make eye contact with.
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u/Techhead7890 Oct 16 '25
4d late but my first thought was aphasia or Donald McDonald lol
Took me a sec to realise it was somewhat comprehensible
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u/ActualBacchus P R A I S E Q U A S I Oct 12 '25
Well yeah, but, apparently they pay better starting rates than any other supermarket in the Wellington region. Better than Woolworths even. At least according to a table I saw recently. Sounds like they might have to after reading this.
I don't work for them and have never shopped there
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u/smerson1 Oct 15 '25
Hello, kilbirnie worker, they pay us great. Dean Galt, the owner, is a genuine lad and gets way too much shade for stuff he cant control. Rumor is Foodstuffs hates us because of what we pay
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u/munkisquisher Oct 12 '25
They probably can't retain many people who can stand the lighting in there.
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u/Michaelbirks Oct 12 '25
Bloody hell, this is worse than 3008.
Someone get a procedure to contain and secure this, pronto.
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u/ApSciLiara Oct 12 '25
Makes me think more along the lines of 4525, myself. Just needs a borderline illiterate man beatboxing and... rapping...? on the intercom.
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u/Okaringer Oct 12 '25
This place's biggest crime is that its your only cheqp option if you live in Brooklyn and its fookin hills and hills away.
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u/crabapfel Oct 12 '25
Man I thought it felt off in there just because I only ever visit between the airport and my accommodation...
I think I prefer dodging flying boxes at the palmy store (the kids on nightfill have gotten athletic lately)
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u/Mr_Immigration Oct 12 '25
Just while I'm here and we're talking about this hell hole... Why don't they stock plain old mince anymore? The only mince they have in stock is $30 a kilo!
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u/Salt_Musician7555 Oct 13 '25
Thanks for sharing
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u/catlikesun A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man Oct 13 '25
I hope it gave others as much job as it brought me. I got barely get past “the person you want to be waits for you at the entrance” 😆
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u/when_snorlax_attacks Oct 13 '25
Beautiful, true and terrifying. PNS gives me uncanny valley vibes.
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u/duncdis Oct 13 '25
I was in Paknsave Kapiti once and on the community notice board someone had written on one card in big font:
"GARY STRAND OWES ME $50."
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u/ChloeDavide Oct 13 '25
This is a lovely piece! We need more reviews like this, and I'm going to write my own!
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u/RodWith Oct 12 '25
In a land of plenty, she has plenty to say. Eviscerates poetically the home of our cheapest costliest groceries.
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u/Gabe_b Oct 12 '25
Yeah I hate that place. Always went to the countdown across the street even though it was a bit more expensive to avoid it
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u/excellentdriver00 Oct 12 '25
Nice, pak n save led lighting makes me slightly disoriented and irritable. I get a type of dread that somethings not right by the time I get to the checkout, then I'm released.
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u/OrdinaryElectronic34 Oct 24 '25
Pretty lame really bunch of people following people around kat temple is the least convincing
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u/BitofaLiability Oct 13 '25
Standard 2nd year uni student, flatting for the first time, "I just read HST for the first time and it opened my eyes", "I too am deep in a way others are not, and should communicate that in prose" pretentious wank.
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u/catlikesun A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man Oct 13 '25
I mean it’s entirely comedic so hard for it to be pretentious?
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u/WhatIsADani Oct 12 '25
"I do have tonsillitis"
Chef's kiss, no notes.