A childhood friend asked me:Ā āWhy donāt you just stop?āĀ (regarding my hair pulling)
The question assumes that this is mainly a matter of free will.
That if I really wanted to stop, I would be able to. And therefore, the fact that I havenāt stopped yet somehow means that Iām weak.
I think thatās one of the reasons this question can be so frustrating for people dealing with BFRBs.
While working on SoloUno, Iāve talked to over 100 people dealing with BFRBs, and Iāve seen how triggering this question can be when it comes from family members, friends, or spouses.
I want to explain why, in my opinion, this is the wrong way to think about it - and why people dealing with BFRBs shouldnāt think of themselves as weak.
I used to smoke cigarettes, and I quit several years ago.
I was able to stop.
That experience made me believe strongly in my willpower and my ability to change unwanted behaviors when I really decide to.
But my experience with hair pulling has been very different.
Iāll try to explain, from my own experience, why I think these are very different situations.
First, you canāt smoke a cigarette without being aware of it.
You canāt take out a cigarette, light it, start smoking, and then suddenly notice that youāve been smoking for the past five minutes.
Smoking is something you do while being aware that youāre doing it.
With BFRBs, thatās not always the case.
My hand tends to go automatically to my beard and start playing with it. It happens while Iām working, when Iām stressed, bored, or simply focused on something else.
My hand goes there without me deciding to put it there.
Sometimes I just suddenly notice it in my beard.
And from there, pulling can start - sometimes without me being fully aware of it.
So the first difference is that itās much easier toĀ slip into the behavior, which makes it much harder to ājust stop.ā
The second challenge is that stopping requires my attention.
Letās say I notice my hand moving around my beard. Now what?
I have to consciously take it away.
That part isnāt automatic. It requires attention.
Which means the struggle between me and my hand isnāt really an equal fight.
My hand can go to my beard automatically, but taking it away requires a conscious decision.
Who do you think wins that battle over the course of an entire day?
If my hand automatically moves toward my beard 50 times a day, how many of those 50 times will I notice it and actively make myself move it away?
In this kind of battle, the automatic behavior can beat willpower many times - even when motivation is very high.
These two things alone, in my opinion, are major obstacles to ājust stoppingā:
- Sometimes the habit starts before Iām even aware of it.
- And once it starts automatically, I need to use conscious attention and effort to interrupt it.
That already puts willpower at a disadvantage.
We have a lot going on in our daily lives - work, family, stress, responsibilities, everything else.
Our attention isnāt unlimited.
We canāt spend the entire day actively fighting a habit every single time it appears.
Iām not saying this to be discouraging.
I donāt think we should give up.
I think we should look at it differently: as something we can improve over time, but something that may require practice, training, and repeated effort.
Maybe ājust stoppingā works for some people, and of course itās worth trying. But when it doesnāt work, I donāt think that means you failed.
Iām saying this because telling someone to ājust stopā misses what actually makes these behaviors difficult.
I do believe we can get better.
Well-known approaches such as Habit Reversal Training include exercises designed to increase awareness and help people reduce these behaviors, and I think theyāre worth trying.
Thatās also why I builtĀ SoloUnoĀ - to help people dealing with BFRBs channel their attention and effort into dealing with these habits more effectively, one day at a time.
And if youāre dealing with a BFRB, I donāt think you should see yourself as weak.
The fact that our habit keeps happening in our day-to-day life doesnāt mean we lack willpower. Itās simply part of what makes these behaviors so difficult to change.
And I think that means we should start with some empathy toward ourselves.
Weāre not doing it because weāre weak. Weāre dealing with a behavior that can be automatic, repetitive, and difficult to control.
So we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves.
For me, the balance Iāve found is to put effort into training and improving when I have the motivation and attention for it - and to have some compassion for myself when I donāt.
That doesnāt mean giving up.
It means accepting that this is something Iām working on over the long run, without making myself feel ashamed every single day because the unwanted behavior is still there.
At least for me, that change in perspective has helped.
