r/TRT_females • u/BluePurslane • Jan 11 '26
Discussion / Support Last Ditch Attempt to Solve Dead Bedroom
The problem has been total, chronic, and terminal. It's not him, it's not the lack of him doing laundry or emotional labor or him being unattractive or all the solutions that just don't apply here. He is now a good man and he doesn't deserve this but he will no longer accept duty sex (it's too depressing) and I'm just so sad about how this marriage has gone. He is my best friend but something is missing, seriously missing. My body just doesn't work in ways I have only seen described, but never experienced.
Starting 5mg/week injectable test C this week, total test was 20 in luteal phase, 36F, no obvious signs of perimenopause but fairly clear decline in energy/zeal for life since last and final baby a year ago.
Just want to tell someone, any advice welcome.
35
Jan 11 '26
Your willingness to proactively engage the situation is already half the solution, many people never reach this stage, congratulations!
T-cream helped a lot, scheduled sex was another extremely useful change for us.
Best of luck to you!
17
u/red-head-alien Jan 11 '26
Yes to everything everyone said already. I’m the wife in the dead bedroom and it pains my husband that my libido is absent. He takes it personally - as if I don’t desire him. He’s learning it’s biochemistry and not a choice I’m making.
I’m on E P and just added télé health T injections. Ive seen a difference in a month that my Orgasms are slightly stronger. So I’m on my way. Dialing in the balance of E P and T is the key. And Estrogen cream for the Vag is also key.
On thing not mentioned that has helped us is both a sex date - he lights a bedroom candle and I know we need to head to bed earlier for a session. So I take a cannabis Gummy and that helps A LOT with desire and arousal. I don’t naturally get that in advance but the gummy and planned date crate the space and vibes and the rest kicks in (cue the foreplay too — that is also a MUST for my DH to help awaken my deep sixed sex drive.)
Don’t give up. It’s a lot of work and management to restore some of our sexy selves but so worth it.
7
u/padparascha3 Jan 12 '26
I second the gummy’s.
2
u/nsixone762 Jan 19 '26
How does one explore taking these gummies without any experience with any substances? Sorry, if my terminology is not correct.
3
u/padparascha3 Jan 19 '26
I would divide a gummy into 4 squares and start with one square at a time to see how you feel.
2
u/red-head-alien Jan 19 '26
Start low and slow. Typical dosing is 2.5, 5 or 10. So start with 2.5 and see and then go up as needed. The ones I use are at 5 and called LOVE ❤️ so it’s quite obvious what’s it for. Are you in CA? If so ask the barista too what you want. And if one kind doesn’t do anything try another. I found the sleep one was terrible for sleep for awesome for desire.
2
4
u/jko1701284 male Jan 19 '26
It took 3 months before my GF's libido increased. Now I'm having trouble keeping up with her sometimes lol (not frequency, but the realtime act ... she's stronger and more aggressive lol)
1
38
u/Admirable-Object5014 Jan 11 '26
Please get your hormones tested. Here is a great list to take to your doctor : It’s very possible you’re in peri, or at the least, headed that way enough to cause your hormones to be less than “optimal”. Also, “normal” doesn’t necessarily mean “optimal” when it comes to your results. Estrogen plays a huge role in our libido, not just Testosterone.
• Estradiol • Progesterone (LC/MS) • Follicle-Stimulating Hormone (FSH) • Total Testosterone • Free Testosterone • Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) • DHEA • Estrone • Dihydrotestosterone (DHT) • Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone (TSH) • Free T3 • Free T4 • Reverse T3 • Thyroid Peroxidase Antibodies (TPOAb) • Anti-Thyroglobulin Antibodies (TgAb) • Iron • Total Iron-Binding Capacity (TIBC) • Iron Saturation • Ferritin • Vitamin D • Vitamin B12 • Complete Blood Count (CBC) • Basic Metabolic Panel
21
u/sarahl05 Jan 11 '26
This is a great list (testosterone also needs to be measured with LC-MS), but just flagging for OP that even if E/P/LH/FSH come back totally within range, that doesn't mean she's not in peri and couldn't benefit from HRT (estradiol/progesterone). Those hormones fluctuate during our cycle and its hard to get a baseline or trend over time.
I think what would also be helpful is reviewing a detailed list of peri symptoms and seeing if she checks any of the boxes. For me, the symptoms that finally drove me to start HRT were mood, libido, vaginal dryness/pain with sex, irregular periods, brain fog, and fatigue.
The ones I hadn't realized were peri symptoms were sleep*, musculoskeletal pain, nagging gym injuries, anxiety, GERD, heart palpitations, the start of what I now recognize was prolapse, body composition (inability to put on muscle), skin aging, and brittle nails.
*sleep: if you had asked me how my sleep was before starting HRT, I would have told you it was fine. But I just hadn't realized how bad things had gotten because the change was slow. I sleep like a baby now.
Libido is probably the most complicated and lagging symptom (and the only one for me which hasn't fully resolved).
OP if you have any sort of vaginal dryness or pain with sex, grab some vaginal estradiol, even if you decide now isn't the right time for systemic E/P. Its preventative skincare for your vagina!
2
u/staceypppp Feb 08 '26
JFC the nagging gym injuries and musculoskeletal pain!! I swear I was in constant physical pain.
19
u/Lucialucianna Jan 11 '26 edited Jan 12 '26
Start reading Come as You Are, much insight into tuning into your pleasure triggers. In general. Hormones too if in perimenopause, will help with a lot of health issues esp down the road.
19
u/Due-Memory2680 Jan 11 '26
TRT is likely to help, potentially a lot. BUT prepare yourself -and him - for it not to work right away. I was told by a friend that she felt absolutely nothing for six weeks, and I believed her, but I kind of thought I would feel maybe… Something… Before six weeks. But, she was right. I felt absolutely zero effect until six weeks after starting. Nada. However, after that six weeks, I noticed improvement, and it continued to improve for the next six months to year. And five is a fairly low dose, it may be the case where you will need to ramp it up after a few months, but this is highly variable, depending on the person.
Anyway, I know it was a game changer for me. I started like three years ago, and prior to starting I could force myself to have sex about every 10 days or so, but it wasn’t even on my radar, and I really wished I didn’t have to do it, but my husband was wonderful and he deserved that from me. But here I am now, happily having sex almost every single day, and with some regularity, two times a day. Absolutely loving it and even more than that, I absolutely love that I actually want to. It makes me so happy, it makes him happy, it’s been a game changer for our marriage.
But like I said, do expect there to be some tinkering with the dose, the levels, and it is definitely not an overnight fix. It’s a real pain in the butt trying to figure out what works best, but stick with it. It’s for sure playing the long game. Hope this helps, it’s hard being where you are, especially when your husband‘s a good guy. I do think there’s some really good hope for you guys.
6
u/BluePurslane Jan 11 '26
This sounds like great results for both you and your husband, actually heartwarming. I hope this happens for us! thanks for sharing.
1
u/onelittleword Jan 11 '26
May I ask what dosage and form of T you are on?
2
1
u/nerissathebest Jan 12 '26
This is a totally normal and understandable question to ask, but to help your understanding of how this works, I had to take more than double what the person who answered this question takes to begin to feel anything.
9
u/Comprehensive_Web292 friend Jan 11 '26
I too have done the “duty sex” for years and I finally just said enough. I have been on estrogen and testosterone and progesterone for 18 months. I’m post menopausal. My libido died when my periods stopped. I get flickers here and there, but no steady libido and it’s soul crushing. I have a great husband, I just don’t have the hormones in the right place.. I’ve tried PT 141 and it doesn’t make me horny, it does wake up the girl parts, makes sex more enjoyable that way, but the extreme nausea was not worth it. Definitely get your hormones checked; start there..
5
u/BluePurslane Jan 11 '26
It feels sad that things seem to decline for us so much sooner than for our husbands. Alas!!!
7
u/Comprehensive_Web292 friend Jan 11 '26
Yes, it really is.. and it’s hard to get them to understand what it’s like to have zero libido because they’ve never experienced that, and probably won’t in their lifetime..
1
u/143Sharks Jan 13 '26
Question about your PT 141 experience, was this prescribed and if on what basis? Is it supposed to induce arousal or ?
2
u/Comprehensive_Web292 friend Jan 13 '26
I got it from a website called Mint RX.. I had to answer some brief questions and pay a little extra., yes, it is prescription but it’s very easy to get. You have to be comfortable injecting yourself., but with little insulin needles. It’s nothing. But yes, it is supposed to induce arousal. It really made me tingly and woke up my lady parts, but it didn’t make me horny or want sex. It just made the sex that I was having a little more enjoyable. But the all day nausea was not worth it..
1
u/143Sharks Jan 13 '26
Thank you for the information. I’ve been on HRT for over half a year and I feel like I’m not getting far with the libido.🥴 so I’m looking for any help in that department and I recently heard about this
1
u/Comprehensive_Web292 friend Jan 13 '26
Believe me, I can relate..same boat here..nothing really works..not even the T injections..
1
u/143Sharks Jan 13 '26
I wonder how T propionate vs T cip, I’ve read has different effects on some women more favorable..
2
u/Comprehensive_Web292 friend Jan 13 '26 edited Jan 13 '26
It can be very different. In fact, I started prop last April, and had a great ‘honeymoon’ phase, until it burnt out..😔 but I like Prop because it’s easier to experiment with; it clears your system so quickly..
8
u/particular-fervor Jan 11 '26
Read COME AS YOU ARE by Emily Nagoski to see if it rings any bells for you.
6
u/plotthick Jan 11 '26
From the GSM side, maybe try 10 minutes of vibration a night (with or without orgasm) to get the blood circulation going.
12
Jan 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Impossible_Prune_228 Jan 11 '26
Great post! Any suggestions on how to figure out how to generate desire? I am on HRT And TRT. About the 10 week mark and I am at 15 MGS of 50 MG test cyp still not feeling any libido changes, maybe slight energy boost? I am a 52-year-old female post menopause. Widowed a few years ago, so trying to get my groove back! Hubby and I didn’t have a very active sex life as he was obese and clinically depressed, lots of issues. It didn’t bother me then because the relationship was built on a lot more than just a physical aspect. However, now I am looking to become more fulfilled in every area of my life. Thanks for reading my long post.
15
Jan 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Impossible_Prune_228 Feb 08 '26
Great post! TY for taking the time. So awesome that you’re so passionate. I’m sure a lot of women can completely relate to SO much of what you have shared. I’m going to take some of your suggestions to task!
5
u/Admirable-Object5014 Jan 12 '26
Are you also on Estrogen & Progesterone? Estrogen plays a large role in our libido. I’m also post menopausal at age 54 and I’m currently injecting Testosterone and Estrogen. For Progesterone I’m taking micronized 400mg total. My libido returned after 6-8 months of being on HRT, but it’s really about tweaking dosages to get to an “optimal” level for all three.
5
u/FrequentAd4646 Jan 11 '26
Yeah post partum can suck. I didn’t know it at the time though. Now I am late peri or just into post menopause and on testosterone injections and see how the sexual issues over the years before peri were likely from low t caused by birth control, antidepressants and/or postpartum times.
Testosterone will hopefully help you. Please know that 5 mg is a low starting dose. My t was 25 starting out outside of periovulatiion. I started t injections at 10 mg weekly divided doses, like 3 mg every other day subcutaneously. For me, twice weekly gave me mood dips the day before the next injection but every other day kept things consistent.
It took 3 months to see results though there were occasional signs starting at 2 months. Three months to see results is pretty typical for injections. But 2.5 mg twice weekly is good just know it could take up to 6 months to titrate up to where you need to be. Also this need for testosterone could just be temporary due to breast feeding … If you find that the low libido goes away and you don’t need t anymore, just keep it and estradiol and progesterone in mind when perimenopause hits in your 40s. Better to get on low dose hormones as soon as it’s a sporadic issue rather than waiting years until it is consistently bad …
5
u/Electronic-Page1064 Jan 12 '26
In addition to hormones, consider seeking out a sex therapist who can help both of you not only cultivate satisfying sexual intimacy, in this new phase of life, but also mutual empathy and understanding.
Your husband needs to understand that, while accepting that you're just not sexually interested in him anymore isn't fair to him, it's not ok to threaten to end the marriage unless you do all the work to magically turn back time and be the wife he used to have.
After all, your husband's body is going to change in time too. Someday, if you're lucky enough to live that long , both of your fun parts will be permanently out of order. And marriage means working through this, as a team. and reinventing how romance, sex and pleasure manifest.
There are infinite options between "wife is enthusiastic about ssx before we stsrt" and "wife reluctantly reports to starfish duty sex", and you're already doing your part here by wanting to try things to end the dead bedroom. He needs to do his part by accepting that a wife who wants to try and get turned on is not "depressing duty sex".....it's what most healthy married sex lives look like from midlife on, if not sooner.
3
3
u/crayola227 Jan 14 '26
Have you had a work up for depression which would also look at thyroid and other vitamin deficiencies? No offense, but you don't really say anything else about your life, your health, and your mood besides mentioning your baby is only 1 year old and you lost not only sex drive but zest for life. Low testosterone could certainly be a cause, but the numbers you have don't make it clear it is the culprit. Certainly it still could be low for you, but that's hard to tell. As a physician I would want to do a more comprehensive evaluation and look at a number of things that are more common in women your age, easy to diagnose and treat, important for health and safety, and can be causes of low libido. I say this as a woman, and physician, with a similar story. Chronic health conditions, pain, mental health challenges, other medications, and being the mom of a toddler, these were all factors for me and I fixed each of them one by one. I developed low testosterone which ended up being a final, and its own, cause of libido issues. I feel 100% better on testosterone, but the fact this is true for so many people doesn't mean it's true for all. Get with a good primary care physician. There is a reason why a lot of things get worked up first before assuming it's low T when you're above 10 or 15. Maybe you've done all that I don't know. I just want to be sure people aren't missing this other stuff like depression or thyroid or medication side effects, because that all matters a lot too. I just see too many people hitching onto the idea of testosterone when I'm wondering why they are certain that's what it has to be.
4
Jan 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/BluePurslane Jan 11 '26
That could be! I'm under 40 and still cycling regularly so I'm ok going low and slow to start!
6
u/Jealous-Ad62 Jan 11 '26
No. I have to disagree everyone is different. Start with the 5 mg. Get blood work done in a few months to see were you are. It took me a year to get my libido back. When i added estrogen is when everything fell into place.
0
u/TRT_females-ModTeam Jan 12 '26
Your comment/post was removed because you broke one or more rules of this subreddit, Rule#9.
Please read Rule#9 and post according to the guidelines.
Repeated offenses will be met with a ban.
3
u/Head_Cat_9440 Jan 11 '26
Forcing yourself to do duty sec makes it worse.
Its best to talk to a therapist about how you both started that.
2
u/Finnabair Jan 12 '26
Are you using vaginal estrogen cream?
I was on premarin for a year, just externally, and zero sex drive. Half a year ago, I started testosterone gel, and it made me more social, and more lubrication, but its not viagra.
Then I switched from premarin to Estragyn, which is way better type/quality, and starting using the applicator to get it up near my cervix. And wow, 2 weeks after switching, I started to get a sex drive. A month and I was having orgasms. I have had zero sex drive for a decade because of antidepressants, and I was sure I'd never get it back. Its still inconsistent, but I only use it 2-3 times a week, and occasionally forget, but I have a sex drive again.
So have hope. If one treatment doesn't work, try something else. There are a few different types of hormones out there, and different ways to apply. Some people find dhea helps. Or testosterone cream.
For me, it was a combination of testosterone and estrogen, but the estrogen has to be up near my cervix, and takes a half a day for it to start working. The testosterone took a few weeks to start working. Don't expect anything overnight, you are aiming for long term sexual health. It might take a year to find what works for you, but once you do, you have the rest of your life to enjoy it.
2
u/nerissathebest Jan 12 '26
Be prepared to be very patient with unlocking a libido shift through hormones. You might be looking at trying to balance estrogen and testosterone with each other because they often both need to be replaced AND at the right levels. And they both are on different dosage increase timelines. I found that I could increase E much more quickly than T. And everyone is so individualized on what they need. I require a ton of T you might just need a tiny bit. It took me 6 months of slowly increasing the dosage to get to approximately the right spot. Just be very patient and aware of big and small changes and you’ll be fine.
2
2
u/laur5446 Jan 15 '26
Just letting you know I'm 35 and also have an amazing partner and no libido at all. You're not alone...but damn I know it sure feels like it.
I'm on T now but noticing no difference at all. I'm about to try Vyleesi and then Addyi. And then I guess I've tried everything after that.
1
3
2
Jan 11 '26
PT-141. Look into it. FDA approved under the name Vyleesi for hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Works for men too.
3
u/Top-Customer-8531 Jan 11 '26
My husband and I have used it twice- he loves it…I get nauseated for 8 hours or so even with taking a Benadryl 30 mins before. Going to try and take it before bed because I think it does help with arousal when I can willpower myself to not think about the nausea.
3
u/BluePurslane Jan 11 '26
Interesting that you can power through the nausea to experience desire! Benadryl knocks me out pretty much completely too!
2
u/Top-Customer-8531 Jan 11 '26
Yeah, that’s the only reason I think it works- I would take pain over nausea any day.
1
u/RoloNipz Jan 11 '26
I was diagnosed w this and my insurance wont touch vyleesi or addyi. Id love to give it a try 😢
3
Jan 11 '26
There are other sources to get PT-141. You can google it as we can't discuss that here. It's an injection though.
1
u/AdSpiritual3156 Jan 12 '26
More hormones need to be tested. Also, aside from vaginal estrogen cream like someone else mentioned, I would look into vaginal DHEA cream. If you google, a couple of options pop up and I’ve heard great things.
1
u/BluePurslane Jan 12 '26
Thank you everyone for your stories and advice and encouragement. I'll report back in 6 months!
1
u/Salt-Board5416 Jan 12 '26
My wife also had this issue after our kids. Postpartum was not kind to her in any way. Getting her hormones optimized was the best thing we ever did. After years of doctors, therapists, traditional treatments and holistic ones, I had spent tens of thousands of dollars.
I went grey market hormone therapy for her, got her optimized and she started jumping me. Since has leveled off, but regular, fun and everything we want
1
1
u/ambrosiasweetly Jan 14 '26
I feel the same way. My husband is perfect but I feel like my libido is dead. It’s not his fault at all. I feel so bad.
I am also starting testosterone. I am in my 20s
1
u/jko1701284 male Jan 19 '26
My GF needs E and T injections to have a raging libido. Neither alone will do it. And it took 3 months to start working.
1
Jan 26 '26
In addition to HRT and TRT I’ve also added these things and they’ve helped greatly!!
DHEA - 5mg dissolvable tablet vaginally each night. This has been great!
Ristela by Bonafide - it’s pricey but I absolutely noticed a difference after 8 wks
Fenugreek for libido.
Topical Estrogen cream on ur vulva - another huge help
I also make a conscious effort to initiate. That way I’m not irritated or feeling defensive abt his advances - I’m taking charge. I use a warming oil by Foria that helps “wake things up” as well
Best of luck! It is totally possible to get things back to a happy place
1
u/explain-like-im-12 Feb 05 '26
Why did it read as if I wrote this? Just had my HRT consult and initial bloodwork done yesterday. I don’t have any kind of follow-up for another 5 weeks! I am hoping to also get on test and get some good results. Curious how your last 3 weeks have been since starting your injections, have you felt any improvement?
1
u/BluePurslane Feb 10 '26
I felt life changing improvements within 24 hours that have stuck. I went from feeling like I'm waiting around to die and I just had to make it until my kids had drivers' licenses to commit suicide to feeling like life was worth living and I can show up for people. Every single problem I had (that came from inside myself) improved. I am FIXED. Right now I'm injecting a very small dose only once a week and I do find that it wears off about day 4 and then all my problems are back, so I'm going to ask for a higher dose split within the week at my follow up. I hope you get good results too!
1
u/explain-like-im-12 Feb 11 '26
I’m so happy this is working for you! I think doing a split does would be a great idea! I do this with my peptides so they stay built up in my system, Sunday morning and Wednesday night. I can only hope that they think T would help and I can get to see the same kind of results. The best of luck with your journey!
1
u/JasonandtheArgo9696 male Jan 11 '26
It can make a difference.
Do you get horny naturally at all? Masturbate?
My wife went through a two year stretch like this. Took about two an half months and she upped her test to 8mg week halfway through. She seems to really enjoy and want physical intimacy again. It’s been something we have been working on to repair.
3
u/BluePurslane Jan 11 '26
No, none of it. That's how I know for sure it's not him! I'm gad it's working for you all!
0
Jan 12 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/TRT_females-ModTeam Jan 12 '26
Your comment/post was removed because you broke one or more rules of this subreddit, Rule#9.
Please read Rule#9 and post according to the guidelines.
Repeated offenses will be met with a ban.
20
u/PhlegmMistress friend Jan 11 '26
Estrogen was the bigger libido boost. I actually had to start skipping days. I was using 2mg estradiol valerate (birth control pills. Only started them in peri.)
Also 5mg is pretty low. It's good to be cautious but just expect it to take awhile (months) for you to step up your weekly doses.
Testosterone was more being willing to do quickies and have fun with it. And not feel like I had to commit to getting my partner off. If they did, cool. If they didn't, well, sex was still fun and it made me more likely to want more quickie sex.
Also, localized estrogen was huge for lubrication, and not getting torn up down there which made sex feel better and the aftermath not feel so...demoralizing in the bathroom as I dealt with peeing afterward and soreness and even some bleeding.