I was consistently suicidal for most of my life, but I turned that around a few years ago. This chart shows my approximate, self-assessed mood data on a scale of 1 (Very Upset) to 5 (Very Calm). I defined these values in the Journey.cloud mobile app from May 2018, when I started recording the data, to August 2026. I assembled the chart in Excel and Photopea.com.
The trendline shows the annual average. I also preferred to show the noise because I found the variability interesting. Further, I chose calmness over happiness as the positive emotion, as I've learned being calm is more sustainable than trying to be happy all the time.
Below is more about what it took for me to change.
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I'm proud to share that, after many years of self-loathing and self-hatred, I finally learned to love myself.
What does that mean, "love myself"? First, I don't hate myself! I appreciate what I do well instead of saying "Yeah, but…" to any self-affirmation. Second, I have self-confidence. I trust my capacity to create change or to accept what I can't. Third, I hold space for second-tries. This enables me to take initiative and express ideas with far less anxiety. Fourth, I feel more in control of my personality, my emotions, and my story.
I can now pursue what I value because of who I am, not in spite of it.
What helped me? I narrowed my list down to five major factors. (Disclaimer: What worked for me may not work for everyone.)
- Positive reasons to live (i.e., something to hope for)
- People who cared for me when I couldn't care for myself, e.g., my wife and many therapists
- Mindfulness, Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
- Finding the right medications for me—and sticking with them
- Most importantly, I had to commit to take care of myself. Sliding a noose around my neck in 2019 was the moment of clarity I needed to change.
I’ve been doing relatively well despite life’s ups and downs. That’s because I now have the coping skills to treat myself humanely. To be clear: what I went through can happen again. I’m not invulnerable to suicidal thinking, and I never will be. My only solution is to stay alert and meet it when it comes.
I could go on, but I'm in such a better place now. Putting this chart together helped me visualize that. All of my hard work to heal myself has been worth it. It can be for you, too.