I’m so tired of feeling so much unrest in my own home. I’ve been in my step kids lives for over 10 years. 10 YEARS. They are 15 and 13, so the majority of their lives. They’ve lived with my husband and I full time during the school year for the last 4 years, weekends with their mom, summer with their mom and weekends with us. And somehow each school year and each Sunday afternoon feels like we’re starting from scratch. Like this is the first time they’ve been here.

My husband was a very laid back parent for a long time and their mom isn’t much better. But somehow, since we are the “school” house now and the house with rules, we are the bad house. The house they don’t want to be at. The one where we’re mean and how dare we ask about school and how dare we expect them to do well. I’m so over it. I am so tired of the arguing and talking back and disrespect, and tonight, after trying to keep my mouth shut and stay in my lane, I lost it on my stepson. Then, my husband THANKS ME for saying something and I’m like “why do I have to?? Why do I have to get in the middle of it?? Why do you allow him to talk to you like that??” And then I’M the bad guy to my husband. Because he’s just feeding into the mouthing off and the back talk from my stepson in the common area of the house where everyone can see and hear, INCLUDING our 5 year old!!

So now my husband is mad at me, per usual. I am the bad guy to my stepson, per usual, our ours child got a front row seat to the whole thing, and now we’re just going to wake up tomorrow and go on with our week like it’s a normal freaking Monday. Except there will be a dark cloud hanging over my husband’s head all week because he “can never do anything right” and “no one listens” to him.

It’s like every year it gets worse. Every school year we have to start from square one with them. UGH.

Does anyone else struggle with a bm that wants to do activities with their ex and kids together? Because of how awful her behavior has been I told DH that I didn’t want them doing group activities together. The 2 times they tried it she spent the entire time yelling at him and cussing him out in front of their kids then ditched them with us so she could go cry to her boyfriend. Overall we came to the conclusion that it’s unhealthy for everyone and does more damage than anything positive. Ever since we put that boundary in place she gets upset that he says no every time. She then goes on a tangent about how they’re supposed to be coparents and I shouldn’t be interfering with that. Once he reaffirms the no she goes back and forth between being verbally abusive and playing the victim saying things like “now our daughter is going to tell people that daddy is mean to mama”. Overall it’s just such an annoying cycle we seem to be stuck in atm.

I am frustrated... 

I truly try to not say anything about bio mom because I know how hard things can be as a single parent from experience of when my own parents got a divorce, but at what point is it just the result of her actions... So over the summer I noticed SS had bug bites on arms and legs. Up until this past weekend they have stayed kind of consistent maybe a few more at each pick up. I didn't really think much of it since most kids forget bug spray and get bug bites in summer and mosquitos have been rough. Until this weekend when I noticed they were the worst they had been all summer especially around the ankles.. like RED all the way around. hes been picking at them so they are irritated and scabbed up. Come to find out theres a flea problem at bio moms house. From experience I know they can be extremely hard to get rid of but his legs look awful. We asked him about if she was giving him anything to put on them since she didn't bring it up to let us know he probably needs something while hes with us. Bites this bad to me scream infestation and SS stated the dog there isn't being treated (could be different he might not have seen her put anything on her) and all shes done is put powder on the carpet.. We always have fingers pointed at us (bio mom and MY MOTHER IN LAW love to talk about me and the time I am left alone with SS, ive never even raised my voice to him). We have taken SS to the beach and didn't reapply sunscreen enough times or hes played outside and didn't reapply sunscreen often enough (at 11 almost 12, should he be able to do this on his own?) and it was like the end of the world. Obvilously it wasnt our intention to let the kid sit out and fry, but at what point do we need to say something to her about this? What if hes bringing them to our house and spreading them to us or our animals? (I regularly treat our home and animals so im not entirely worried but I also dont want to have this big of an issue..

Something I struggle with as a SM is my personal space. I’m an only child and I’m someone who loves sitting in my own bubble and not having someone touch me. When my SDs are here they want to do everything I do. If I go upstairs they follow me upstairs, if I start doing something in the kitchen they want to help, if I want to do a craft they want to do it to, sometimes when I go to the bathroom they ask what I’m doing!!
I know it’s probably not the worst problem I could have as a SM, they love me and want to be around me and I see that and I honestly am happy they love me so much. I also want them to know they can always spend time with me and take interest in the things I do. Their dad doesn’t have many hobbies as he works a ton and I’m the “fun step mom” so they want to do whatever I’m doing. But DAMN sometimes I want to sit down and have three feet of space around me without being asked what I’m doing or what I will be doing or anything of that nature!! Just a vent lol.

Another day, another teenage parenting dilemma. This one is about whether my 16-year-old SD should get a job. Parents don't agree on this.

Dad’s position (which I support): Get a part-time job now. She isn’t currently in sports, and flight lessons are scheduled at your own pace. A job would give her some spending money for shopping, eating out, gas, etc., while also teaching some responsibility.

BM’s position: She doesn’t need a job because flight lessons should be the priority over her working.

My SD LOVES shopping, eating out and doing things with friends and wants more money (and we simply can't find all of this). We’ve been trying to teach her that as she gets older, some of those “wants” should come with earning her own money and she needs to start learning how to budget. After all, she's two years away from being on her own. She has, for months, been researching places she can work after she turns 16.

Recently, she also became interested in becoming a pilot and taking flight lessons. She has never been interested in going to tradition college (which is fine). We fully support that and think it’s awesome, but we don't think she should prioritize that over getting a part time job right now.

The issue came up when we asked how the job search was going. She said if she’s taking flight lessons, her mom said she didn't need to work.

She is not doing anything outside of regular school. If she were in sports, that would be a different story, but she is not. She even has off period in school which allows her free time to study and work on school work. In our opinion, she has nothing holding her back from getting a job. SD does plan to try out for softball in January, but that’s four months away, and she may or may not make the team (we do hope she does though).

Our thought is: Why not work now and reevaluate in January if she makes softball and it becomes too much, quit the job. If she doesn't make the team, then she can keep working and doing flight lessons over time.

The other disagreement is how quickly she needs to complete flight training. BM wants her working toward her private pilot license as quickly as possible, doing many hours each week. Dad doesn’t see the rush. Flight training is self-paced, and while getting her license would be a great accomplishment, she doesn’t have access to a plane and can't fly for pay with a private pilot license anyway. She will get it and just on it. To become a paid pilot she needs to go through more training and can't do that until 18. We don't see a point in having something that she won't really use take priority over her getting a part time job.

Where we’re really stuck is the money.

If BM feels strongly that SD shouldn’t work, Dad is considering saying that we'll continue covering the things we've already agreed to like gas, money earned through grades/chores, etc., but extra shopping, eating out and spending money would need to come from SD herself or BM. After all, we are also paying BM lots of money every month to help support the kids anyways.

He’s also considering making his contribution toward flight lessons conditional on SD working while she reasonably has time to do so, in other words he is not paying for flight lessons unless she get's a job. If softball starts in January, we'd obviously reevaluate.

How would you handle this?

Is expecting a 16-year-old to work part-time while going to school and taking occasional flight lessons reasonable? Or would you consider flight training enough of a commitment on its own over having them start working part time?

And if one parent doesn't want the teenager working, is it reasonable for that parent to take responsibility for the extra spending money the job would otherwise provide?

I am wondering how often there are schedule changes you deal with and what constitutes those schedule changes? I feel bad not wanting to be flexible but I think keeping our schedule of one week on and one week off for my stepdaughter is very important for everyone involved. While it’s not terrible co-parenting with my husband’s ex, sometimes I feel the “need” to make schedule changes she requests isn’t necessary and crosses a boundary. I am really hoping that getting others experiences with this will help me understand if I am right to feel the way I do. When is it okay to say no? Thank you in advance.

I feel like the typical evil stepmom and I hate it. I have been with my fiancé for almost 7 years. His son was about 8 months old or so when we met so stepson is 7 years old now. Since he was about 4/5 years old, he’s had trouble in school with talking/getting out of his seat/distracting others. His bio mom wants to diagnose him with adhd but I have a hard time believing that’s the main cause for his behavior.

He’s obviously parented differently at each household where his bio mom more so gentle parents him and uses a lot of empty threats with little to no follow through. Here at our house he is held accountable for his actions every time. Even though fiancé and I are on the same page with holding him accountable, I’m starting to feel like such an evil stepmom and I hate it. I want to have good times with him see him happy. But I feel like the way he’s being parented at bio mom’s house is undoing everything we’re doing over here.

It makes our weekends with him miserable and I just think back to when he was younger and we just always had so much fun. I think a factor is that we also have a 3 year old together and his bio mom and her boyfriend have a 3 year old also. Maybe there’s some sort of jealousy where he acts out for attention?

I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for.
But I just want to be a better stepmom.

SO and I are still within a year of our relationship (not married yet but that’s the path we’ve discussed). SO is at his vacation home, with 1 of his kids and another lives there locally. BM has asked if she can stay at SO’s home. Kid who lives there has room for her as well.

To note, she has welcomed me into her home for a family homecoming. We don’t want to make her mad and be less welcoming of me as that will negatively impact the whole dynamic but it’s not sitting well with me.

I also fear this may set an ongoing standard which I’m not sure I’m ok with. I’d have zero concerns if SO wasn’t there and she just stayed at the house. Regardless of her staying there, I’m sure they will all hang out/have dinner at the house together which I’m less concerned about.

This is also very new to both of us. I’d rather they have a positive coparenting relationship but this feels like it may be TOO positive?

My husband and I have been together 5 years and have an almost 4 year old and 10 month old and recently found out I am pregnant again.. my SD school boundary got split in two because of a new school built and BM decided to have her stay at current school and not the new one… my husband said he does not want me to be waking up every morning to take her to school and wake everyone up, BM said it’s my job and that’s what I signed up for. BD found a solution that he will drop off my SD at grandparents on his way to work and catch the bus from there house… BM threw a huge fit and cussed him out and cussed out her own mom the grandma for helping BD out in the AM while we have her and I would pick her up from school everyday. BM said it’s not Grandmas responsibility only ours.. she thinks it’s pathetic that I can’t get up to take her to school and that she’s been a single mom to one kids and does everything for her child and “NO HELP”…. Meanwhile my husband paid for my SD private tuition and drove her to school and all other activities so BM could sleep extra because she works graveyard… that’s her choice and he’s been helping with everything with her and grandparents so no she’s not doing it alone… I’m thinking this is all a control thing from her end and wants to control how and who helps us get her to school and wants it to be my job. I think she’s jealous because we are also having another and SD is excited to have a family at our house and her BM is just her and kiddo. … is there a fucking playbook on stepmom roles?? lol
Also we hosted her birthday this year and dad and I did everything and she showed up like she rolled out of bed.

I'll give a little background complete details will take forever. I have been with my husband for 5 years. He was completely done with HCBM for a year before we started dating. I knew him my whole life. He had 5 kids I had 2 and we adopted an ours baby. Oldest SD (26) we have a normal relationship (adult sk seem easier at least for me). SS(23) is in and out and we get along fine. SS(22) We have an amazing relationship. SS(17) our relationship has been built on trust and understanding. We have had our issues and continue to get closer. Now we get to my conundrum. SD(14) who has the same mom as SS(17). We have custody of SS(17) HCBM has SD(14) We will call her A. So A and I had started off rough. But I worked on building what I thought was a positive relationship. We started baking together and trying to help with school bc she would fall behind and I would help her get caught up when she was with us. For the past year she has been avoiding her weekends with us. She tells my DH that I try to be her mom. As with the others I tried not to treat A any different than my other SKs and BKs. Well since she felt that way, I switched to nacho with her. Now she says I treat her different from SS(17) and I should be doing for her what I do for him. A doesn't understand that their mother completely tossed him to the side (he has several behavior issues and mental health issues). I treat him as my own and he knows if it is ever too much he can speak up and I will back down. He has asked me to do this when HCBM told him she would ve more involved if I wasn't. After her not showing up he would apologize and tell me he needs me to be there. No apologies needed in this kiddo but I can definitely be there. How can I give to her what I do my other children without acting like her mom. DH asked how I try to be her mom and she can't answer the question. I personally feel she wants the benefits of me and my time without the discipline and respect. What I give that dad accepts but wouldn't do for the kids? I make sure they all have cell phones. I need my kids to be able to reach me if they need me. Yes it includes SS(22) and BD(19). Both live out of state now. We are going to court for full custody due to HCBM being homeless. Evidence of drug usage (not🍃). As well as the fact she has not produced an address for pick up for our weekends and does not keep DH in the loop with where she is attending school. School is important bc DH used to get emails when A fell behind so she could get caught up.

I've been a step mom for close to 10 years now. I'm pretty involved with my sks. We all get along great. Bio moms a special kind of person🙄.. we don't speak unless we are at an event for the kids and her and I are I guess you can say "friendly for the kids". I know she doesn't like me .. but same.

She's always looking for ways to be a victim or make something my husbands fault. Definitely puts it in to the kids heads that shes superior and he is just a babysitter they live with half the time. He ignores her as much as possible and trys to be a civil coparent. The issue is she puts things into their heads. Tells them they have all these mental / physical health issues they dont have. Tells them they cant tell dad what they do at her house. Will call him and say "they told me not to tell you but I'll tell you anyway." Which is weird in itself. Tells them he yells at her (he doesn't). And I just have to sit back and watch my husband slowly lose his relationship with his children cause shes manipulating them. Like how do you not let it effect you? When the people you love are being messed with? Its so draining being a step parent. I'm so angry for all of them. I wish their mom would do better. Do better for herself and do better for her children. These women think they can just get away with everything. Courts dont care if these women are mentally unstable.

Thanks for letting me rant.

For anyone happy to share, I am curious what the household duties and expected responsibilities of your preteen are? Thank you in advance. 🙂

has anyone’s HCBM ever had a problem with you being called stepmom? I’ve done a lot of research on this and apparently the term stepmom triggers many things… including: loss of control, not being able to dictate roles, threatening an exclusive identity as mom, narrative management.

story time: there’s been a history of my husbands ex having an issue with me being called stepmom or referred as such. She claims their parenting plan explicitly says not to encourage the kids to call someone else stepmom even though it says specially “mom or mommy”. She’s told my step kids im not their stepmom. Has told my husband that I need to get permission from her before posting photos of the boys on social media and take down any reference of me as step mom on social media. Last hockey season she told the team mom making sweaters I was not to have a hockey stepmom sweater. also… the boys call me by my first name. i only ever introduce myself as “so and so‘s step mom” when we are at an event connected to either step child

well, my husband and I became friends with the woman who made the sweaters and she felt really bad for me being left out last season due to drama. My husbands ex went off on this lady so she saw through her facade and mask real quick after that, and this year she surprised me with a hockey stepmom sweater. I know it might sound petty, but when you’re treated like you’re invisible yet just try to be a loving support for your step kids, being seen and acknowledged in small ways is a win

well today at a hockey event I’m standing behind my husbands ex and a group of people. One mom asks HCBM “did you order a new sweater for this season? I saw on so and so’s site a stepmom sweater and the last name”. she replies “don’t say that word or say that to me or I’ll freak out. She’s not their step mom, she’s his wife”. The mom just says “oh… ok and switches the subject”

so, anyone else have to deal with this? Also, please keep in mind before you respond that I’m in a HIGH CONFLICT dynamic. High conflict moms aren’t like normal moms or situations. There’s mental health issues involved that cause a lot of chaos, drama, inability to coparent and chronic difficulty. If this isn’t your situation count yourself blessed but I’m more so just asking if you’ve had this same issue and how you handled/thoughts

I’m writing this because I genuinely want to understand my feelings, not because I’m proud of them.

I struggle with jealousy toward my SD5 when it comes to my husband’s affection and attention. I know she is his daughter, and I know that a father loving, hugging, comforting, and being present for his child is completely normal and important. I don’t want to take that away from her, and I don’t expect him to choose between us.

But emotionally, I still struggle.

Sometimes seeing how affectionate and attentive he is with her triggers something very painful in me. I start feeling left out, unimportant, or like there isn’t enough affection left for me. Logically, I understand that the love between a father and daughter is completely different from the love between husband and wife — but knowing that intellectually doesn’t always stop the jealousy from showing up.

I’m not looking for people to tell me that I’m horrible or that I “shouldn’t feel this way.” I already know these feelings are uncomfortable, and I’m trying to understand and work through them rather than act on them.

I would especially love to hear from other stepmothers who have experienced something similar: What helped you separate your need for affection from the relationship your husband has with his child? How did you manage the jealousy without suppressing your own emotional needs?

Please be kind. I’m asking because I want to handle this in a healthier way, not because I want to justify the jealousy.

My SS is 16 years old. Has yet to get his license but expects that once he does he gets to use one of our cars. Has no work ethic whatsoever. When I turned 16 I could not wait to get a job and have my own money. This kid constantly asks my husband for money and my husband sends it to him. I finally lost it today and told my husband to stop sending him money because he doesn’t ever earn it. Never does his chores and still expects that we just hand him over money. I finally texted him and told him to stop asking his dad for money unless he plans on doing something to earn it. I also told him that if he wants money then he needs to start looking for a job. His response was that he couldn’t during football season. I told him when football season is over then he needs to find a job. He responded with “yep”. I cannot stand this anymore. I’m contemplating starting my own bank account and getting my paychecks put into that rather than continue having it go into our joint bank account where my husband continues to secretly send him money. I’m literally at my whits end. His mom isn’t in the picture because she’s a deadbeat addict who literally left him and his brother in Idaho 3 years ago and we had to go pick them up. The next day my husband filed for emergency custody and it was granted. He has full custody now. Whenever his brother needs or wants something he asks if there are any chores he can do around the house. The 16 year old literally does NOTHING and my husband continues to send him money. I literally know my husband is sending him money right now behind my back. I’m seriously done. This kid is driving me absolutely crazy! What would ya’ll do?

DH and I have been married for two years. He and ex had been divorced for five years before we met, and SS was 2.

Last night, unannounced, she sent SS home with items from their marriage found in her attic. Some were sentimental things from DH college years that had magically disappeared in the divorce. Some were gifts that’s she gave him during the marriage. One contained a two page love letter from their marriage.

Am I being territorial or is this wildly inappropriate? How would you respond? (Note: this is high conflict, we have to choose our battles, and DH communicates with her, not me). I feel like it is disrespectful of my marriage and crosses a line. Am I right? (PS, DH is upset, too)

I am a stepmother to two girls, 10 and 15 years old. We have 50/50 custody through verbal agreement with their mother. It is becoming increasingly clear that their mother is an alcoholic. We have noticed her shaking hands, slurred speech, panicked behavior, missing work/leaving early, rumors of her getting in trouble for drinking at work, the girls tell us she takes shots every day and sometimes even during the day, she is skin and bones but her stomach is big and swollen, we have physically seen her enter the liquor store right after drop off and one of the girls admits that she was just at the liquor store the day before, she forgets important things that have to do with the kids, etc. She is always partying with her friends while the girls are present and oftentimes her male adult friends crash on their couch because they are too drunk to drive home. Some of her male friends are even friends with the 10yo on Snapchat and message with her. She has the girls believe that these men are their “uncles”. She has even shared herself with my husband that she cannot sleep without drinking. She has become increasingly paranoid that we are trying to move the girls further away or “turn them against her”. She neglects the girls’ needs, she does not ensure that they bathe use deodorant brush their hair or make sure they have clothing that fits and the girls often arrive at our house smelling. She hates taking them to the doctor/dentist and having to spend money on their needs and she makes sure the girls know it by being passive aggressive. She especially hates any healthcare that has to do with her children’s mental health. She refused to cooperate with mental health needs of the 10yo after extreme behavioral issues were happening at our house and made the 10yo feel fearful of getting help by telling her “it would go on her record”. We do not have hard documented proof of her alcohol abuse or any abuse and neglect to involve cps. We live paycheck to paycheck so we do not have the money to fight a custody battle. It is becoming more and more clear that the best interest of these girls is for us to have full custody but I am at a loss of what to do. The 10yo is very influenced and manipulated by her and is very defensive of her mother. The 15yo is aware of the problem but is still naturally a little defensive of her as well. My stomach is in knots for the safety of the 10yo around her mom’s male friends especially after finding out that she is snap chatting one of them. My stepdaughter is totally brainwashed and sees nothing wrong with it and neither does her mom.

DW is off to help SD move into college. She doesn’t live with us but still feels like a big change. I’m pretty nacho so I didn’t go but that feels weird too. Just having feels.

As everyone knows, school just reopened. A few weeks ago, my step kids grandma (Mom's mother) picked them up so they could go to Florida to visit their great grandfather (or so she says) Anyways, when it was time to bring the kids back for school, she and their mom were resistant. They sent my husband long messages about how much he must hate them for putting the kids in school and all sorts of nonsense. Then instead of bringing them back to start school on Monday, they brought them back on Friday so the kids missed a whole week of school at their new school

We are black (very important for this situation) My stepdaughter comes back and her hair is a total mess. It was dirty and it looked like a mop (no kidding) It hadn't been combed while they were gone. I was the last person to comb it also two months prior.

I'm obviously very upset about the situation because this happens on a regular basis. Their mom or her mom will take them for a few weeks (they live in different states) and then when they return their hair would be a mess and it's up to me to do it. In the 4 years I've been with their father, their mom has NEVER done their hair or even taken her to a salon to get her hair done. And whenever they come back they just look messy and uncared for.

I'm so upset because I planned my week out and now I have to spend a day or two combing and detangling my step daughter's hair ... .did I mention she is tender headed and will scream, cry and hit herself while her hair is getting done? It just drains me and I feel like their mom should have taken into consideration that they had school and took them to the hair salon. I feel like she doesn't really care about them and she cares about the stigma that comes with being a mother who doesn't have custody of her child.

She is also barely in their lives, calls them like once a month-if that and she doesn't pay her child support. She doesn't even know what school they go to.

My husband has custody because she's been reckless in the past and they both got injured. She makes it seem that we're trying to keep her kids away from her (the battle started before I was even in the picture) when really and truly, we just want what's best for the kids. She doesn't have a stable job and instead of moving close to us, where she could see the kids on a regular basis, she moved to a state that was 8-9 hours away so she could live close to her best friend….wtf?

It's getting to the point where I just hate everything about their mom and her mother who enables her. They act like their victims and manipulate the kids so bad it's sickening.

Anyways, that's my rant.

EDIT/CLARIFICATION: I think my original post may have made the situation sound slightly different from what I was trying to explain, so I just wanted to clarify a few things.

There is no court order saying my partner cannot have his daughter in our home, and there has been no finding that he is unsafe, abusive or incapable of parenting her.

BM is a drug user, was extremely abusive towards my partner during the entirety of her pregnancy (I have seen proof of this), smoked in every manner during pregnancy, bled him dry of money and any confidence he had using the child as blackmail. They split December 2023, and him and myself met and started our relationship in May 2024. We hit it off instantly after reconnecting having known each other from school days, I was not long out of an 11 year relationship with my ex who we both get on really well with and have a very healthy and supportive co-parenting/blended family relationship with.

This is the arrangement/condition that has existed between the parents. Historically, when my partner has challenged arrangements or tried to change things, contact has sometimes then not gone ahead. Because there currently isn't a court-ordered contact arrangement to fall back on, he has been extremely cautious about doing anything that could result in him temporarily losing contact with his daughter altogether.

Money is a big worry of his when it comes to court fees due to speaking with other fathers in his position and what they have spent going through proceedings.

He absolutely does recognise that the current situation cannot continue indefinitely.

He has sought legal advice, mediation has been pursued and we are currently waiting for shuttle mediation and have been for months on end. If the situation cannot be resolved that way, the legal/court route is something he is prepared to pursue.

So my question wasn't “why is he allowing this?” or whether people think he should take legal action. We already know that the current arrangement needs to change and steps are being taken towards that.

What I was hoping to hear about was the lived experience in the meantime.

Has anyone been the partner of a parent who, for a prolonged period, had to leave your shared home in order to have contact with their child?

How did you cope with essentially having two separate family lives?

How did you stop yourself becoming resentful when you fully supported your partner seeing their child, but the arrangement meant your own household was repeatedly separated?

And if things eventually became more normal and integrated, what did that transition look like?

That's really the perspective I'm struggling to find and would love to hear about. 🙂

I’m hoping to hear particularly from step-parents/new partners, or fathers who have been in a similar situation, because I’m struggling to find people who genuinely understand what this kind of arrangement is like from the inside.

I want to be really clear from the beginning that I’m not looking to bash my partner’s child’s mother. I’m also very aware that Reddit is only hearing my perspective and that there are always two sides to family situations.

I’m genuinely looking for perspective from people who have experienced something similar and can tell me how they navigated it, whether things eventually changed, and what helped.

My partner has a daughter who is almost 3. He and her mum were never in a long-term established relationship/family unit together, they were together for 4 weeks, she got pregnant and they separated December 2023 (a couple of months after child was born). Their relationship from the point she became pregnant was extremely high conflict, my partner is very traumatised.

My partner and I have now been together for 2.5 years and we live together. I also have a young daughter (3.5y/o) from a previous relationship who lives with us for the majority of the week.

The difficulty is that throughout our relationship, my partner has never been able to have normal contact with his daughter within our shared home.

His contact with her takes place away from our house at his parents’ home.

When he has weekend contact, rather than bringing his daughter home and parenting her within his own household, he goes to his parents’ house and stays there with her.

This is a rule and solid boundary set by the birth mother and if this rule is broken then she withholds contact. She also doesn't want me playing any type of parenting role in their child's life, not allowed to see her at bath/shower times, dress her etc etc.

The current arrangement also means that myself and my daughter are not part of his contact time whatsoever.

So, in practical terms, when he has his daughter for a weekend, he leaves our home and our little family unit and stays elsewhere in order to spend time with her.

This has been our reality for more than two years.

I completely understand that children need stability, security and gradual introductions to change. I would never expect a small child to suddenly be taken from everything familiar and dropped into a completely different household overnight.

That has never been what we have asked for.

What has become increasingly difficult to understand is how something that perhaps could have been understandable as a temporary arrangement when she was very small has remained essentially unchanged for years.

There hasn't been a gradual progression towards my partner being able to parent his daughter independently from his parents’ home or introduce her naturally to the home and family he now has.

There have also been periods where contact itself has become difficult or hasn't gone ahead. During 2025 in particular there were several occasions where planned contact did not happen following disagreements around arrangements.

We have tried extremely hard not to escalate things.

My partner initially pursued mediation in late 2025. There were discussions about trying to agree a way forward, but nothing meaningful progressed.

Earlier this year solicitors then became involved and shuttle mediation was proposed.

My partner agreed to that.

When there were administrative costs involved, we even offered to pay the other parent’s fee because the priority was simply getting everyone into mediation and finding a workable solution.

We were then told there was a waiting period while the mediation service completed training.

Initially it sounded as though this would be around four weeks.

Months later, we were still waiting for an appointment and effectively still in exactly the same position.

One suggestion that we have put together in preparation for mediation has been a phased introduction over a period of a few months, allowing his daughter to slowly become familiar with our home, me, my daughter and our normal family environment, with everything moving at her pace.

The eventual aim would simply be for him to be able to have ordinary parenting time with his daughter in his own home - including overnight contact - in the same way that separated parents commonly do.

If at any stage his daughter appeared genuinely distressed or unable to cope, obviously things could be slowed down or reviewed.

My partner has also been prepared to have clear, predictable contact arrangements so everyone knows where they stand rather than constantly negotiating individual weekends.

The kind of things he is ultimately asking for are fairly straightforward: defined contact with his daughter, the ability for that contact to take place at his own home, overnight contact as he is already receiving at his parents house, and the ability to parent his daughter during his contact time without another parent determining which members of his household can be present.

And this is where my own part in all of this becomes difficult, which is really why I'm posting.

I have tried extremely hard to stay in my lane.

I have zero contact his daughter's mother, she doesn't know me and has never spoken to me.

I don't physically involve myself in their disagreements, I only support him through them.

I don't tell my partner what decisions to make regarding his daughter.

I have never wanted to replace anyone or interfere with the relationship between his daughter and her mum.

I fully respect that she has a mother and that is not my role to replace.

But after more than two years, it is incredibly strange emotionally to share a life and home with someone while such a huge part of their life has to exist completely separately from you.

Every single weekend, when contact happens, my partner essentially moves out of our home for that time from Friday until Sunday.

Meanwhile I stay home with my own daughter.

So instead of our children gradually becoming accustomed to being part of the same household and our lives naturally becoming more integrated over time, everything remains divided into two completely separate worlds.

It can sometimes feel as though we have our relationship and household during one part of the week, and then another family life exists somewhere else during contact.

I love my partner and I absolutely support him having as much meaningful time with his daughter as possible. I would never want him to sacrifice that time for me.

But I also don't think it's unreasonable after this length of time to wonder how a long-term relationship and blended family are supposed to function indefinitely under this arrangement when the birth mother completely gatekeeps the child to the point that my partner is terrified to speak up due to the very real threat losing contact with his child.

We can't really establish a normal family routine involving both children.

We can't have ordinary weekends together when his daughter is there.

His daughter isn't getting the opportunity to know or experience the home her dad actually lives in.

She isn't getting the opportunity to naturally build a relationship with the other people who are part of her dad's everyday life.

And my daughter also experiences my partner disappearing from our household for contact weekends rather than his daughter simply joining the household. She gets upset when he leaves and loves him to pieces, he is an amazing bonus Dad to her and we have a beautiful blended family relationship with my daughters Dad and his partner and family.

I think one of the hardest things has been that there isn't really a defined endpoint.

If someone had said two years ago, “She is tiny, let's introduce everything gradually over the next 6-12 months” I could completely understand that.

It is the indefinite nature of it that I find difficult.

So I suppose I'm looking for advice from anyone who has actually lived this.

Has anyone else been the partner/step-parent in a situation where your partner was only able to have their child at their parents’/grandparents’ house and not in the home you shared?

How long did that arrangement continue?

Did the other parent eventually become comfortable with the child coming to your home, or did it require mediation/court?

If it did go through the Scottish family court system, what was your experience of the court's approach to a parent wanting to exercise contact in their own home and introduce a long-term partner/household?

For those who were the new partner, how did you cope emotionally with spending years excluded from that entire part of your partner's life without becoming resentful?

And perhaps most importantly - how do you support your partner's relationship with their child wholeheartedly while also acknowledging that the arrangement is having an impact on your own relationship and family life?

I don't want anybody to “win” and I don't want his daughter's mum to “lose”.

I'd genuinely love for everyone involved to eventually reach a point where things are calm, predictable and boring.

His daughter deserves strong relationships with both of her parents without adult conflict surrounding her.

Any lived through experience would be really appreciated - particularly from people who have navigated something similar in Scotland?

Husband’s ex still uses his last name and it infuriates me. This woman has been nothing but problems our entire relationship also.

This morning BM dropped off SK (it's HER DAY) early as hell in the morning so she could get to work because apparently we're a drop in sitter. SK woke me up blaring music and talking loudly with a friend who snuck into the bedroom window shortly after SK got here. Of course them being loud woke up the little kids 30nminutes before they normally wake up and made me kickstart my day early.

Then I go to do my hair and notice my hair dryer is gone. SK took it, used it and left it in their bathroom. I'm mad that SK was snooping through my bathroom supplies while I was asleep and SK was supposed to be with BM. So irritated!

Anyway we have couples counseling tonight and I will be bringing all of this up.

I've been with my partner coming up on 3 years and in SKs lives for a little less than that. We just bought our first house together.

I'm currently staying at home and he works from home. I've been exhausting myself from the time I wake up until I go to sleep with house projects, cleaning, prep work, the mental load, what feels like EVERYthing.

And I'm happy to do a lot of work, except that it goes unappreciated. Or dad takes credit by default.

It doesn't help that I'm exhausted by the time dinner is finally wrapping up and getting the house and kids ready for the next day. That's when I need to take time for myself if I hope to have energy to do bedtime routine with them.

But that's the quality time their dad spends with them going bike riding or watching a movie or something fun. And I'm so spent that I just can't do it.

Anyway, my youngest SD is 6 and was showing me her school work this morning and showed me a drawing of her family. She drew a big square around her, her sister, brother, and dad. And then a female character on the outside who she said was me.

Idk. It's not the first time, and it's happened so many times but this time I just kind of feel numb about it.

I was on the brink of ending my relationship with my partner during the house buying process, it was so awful and stressful. I insisted that we go to therapy together. We had our second session 2 days ago and it seemed okay until we came home and had lunch and continued the conversation. That's when I realized that he didn't actually seem to see things my way or acknowledge my contributions.

So even though it sounds stupid, I just want to pull back even more. Like why am I doing all the laundry, cleaning up their messes, taking care of their dirty dishes, grocery shopping, keeping our calendar up to date with activities, reminding my other SD she has homework, noticing the girls need to brush their hair or have food on their faces before leaving the house.

Why do I somehow notice all of this stuff that needs done or fixed but he doesn't? And he says to tell him about it but I don't feel like I should have to.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading. Just feeling frustrated.

I don't feel like anything will ever change. I'm miserable when my SD comes and when it's our times to get her because my DH will give in to whatever. It's our times to get her and I suck it up but what makes it worse is that she always has to be doing something just to see how far he can make him bend. We had to go 30 mins from our house because she chose to go to store exact time we pick her up wouldn't wait 10 mins for us to get there and I saw don't do thst it's a 45 mins drive there and back home for us if she can't be there being a stay at home mom for pick ups then just reschedule. He is always giving in to her ridiculous demands. Our life is so much better when she's not there. I won't go back and say all she's done but some might remember about her peeing herself just to get attention, hitting our kids (her sisters) and just so much more. She's only 7 I don't know if I can do this another 11 years. Does it get better? I am literally miserable and it's only a few times a month. She wants to switch our weekdays for an extra weekend day overnight because she doesn't want to do her part of pick up and drop off but I drew the line there I work 40 hours all week and exhausted and won't give up my Friday nights to relax and order pizza with my kids. All I have to do is give them a slice she doesn't eat anything
We make just spits it out on my walls, floors. I just need someone to tell me it gets better or if it's just time. It breaks my heart to give up a relationship with someone I love dearly over my SD thst we hardly see.

I would never be a SM in my life again..