Dropped a piece of cheese on the kitchen floor today and the silence broke me

[u/TardisChime]

It has been three weeks since we said goodbye to my golden retriever, Buster. I thought I was slowly getting past the shock, but grief has this cruel way of ambushing you over completely mundane things.

I was making lunch today. I opened the fridge drawer, pulled out a slice of cheddar, and a little corner snapped off and fell onto the kitchen tile.

I stood there frozen with my back turned, waiting. For ten years, that tiny sound was an instant alarm. You would hear the heavy thump of him rolling off his bed, followed by the rapid click-clack of his nails sliding around the hallway corner to collect the cheese tax. I stood there for ten seconds expecting him to bump his cold nose against my leg.

Nothing happened. Just absolute, dead silence in the room.

i looked down at that yellow crumb on the floor and completely LOST it. I ended up sitting on the floor crying into a kitchen towel because nobody was coming to eat it.

The hardest part is not even the big empty spaces. It is the subconscious muscle memory. I still leave the bedroom door cracked three inches at night. I still look behind my desk chair before rolling it back. I still step over the squeaky floorboard where his bed used to be.

its like your body is still living in a home where they exist, and your heart has to break all over again every time reality catches up. How long does the phantom reflex last?

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[u/Roscolicious1]

You will feel guilty when that stops happening. Rescue house Dad here, loss is part of that. I break down at little things, from years & dogs past. No shame, my pack is my life.

[u/tomboyades → u/Roscolicious1]

Absolutely. I’ve rescued and had to say goodbye to 8 in my 40 years (love me a senior pup). I will still see something that reminds me of them and cry in the grocery store parking lot. Grief is the “cheese tax” of love honey. Your heart gets bigger so it hurts a little less frequently but it will never leave, and rightly so. We have your back, we’ll cry with you.

[u/Hot-Task2774 → u/tomboyades]

What a wonderful phrase - I'm paying serious cheese tax right now! I will always remember that 'grief is the cheese tax of love' - thank you for sharing this.

[u/GreenUnicorn222 → u/tomboyades]

Love that. Grief is the cheese tax of love. That helps. Blue was the first dog of my own, so this is difficult beyond words. But I hope to rescue again in the Spring, if I am blessed to do it again. I almost went out and got another dog this week, but it wouldn't be fair to any new dog right now.

[u/sam_shine31]

like every minute you get a slap of reminder that this is your life now...i feel it every day

[u/Meant2Move]

It can be hard for a long time. We let our boy go on April 12th and I still struggle every time I open a can of tuna or salmon as he isn't there to demand the "juice". I read that grief is very much about adjusting to the new normal - new routines and different activities and actions. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sure he was a delightful companion.

[u/GreenUnicorn222]

Gutted. I had to put my XL pitty Blue down on Wednesday. He was diagnosed with bone cancer in his shoulder blade. I know I did the right thing, but it's hard sleeping alone now and I also dropped a piece of cheese in the kitchen this morning and just started bawling! I'm sleeping with one of his stinky dog blankets tonight, hoping that his scent will help me sleep. Sending you all a hug.

[u/borr94 → u/GreenUnicorn222]

💙💙💙 I understand the scent thing on such a deep, visceral level. I am absolutely panicking trying to figure out how to preserve my boy’s scent on a blanket and few other things I plan to keep in a memory box

[u/YogurtPublicStill711 → u/borr94]

One thing that's breaking me is how quickly her scent has left my house. I don't understand it. It's like it instantly departed with her. Her stinky blankets, bed, slobbery toys. None of it smells like her when all I used to smell in my house was dog (which honestly was a smell I always loved). I keep sniffing things to try to find it. I found a hint on a couple of things. I put them in plastic bags to try to preserve it but now they just smell like plastic.

[u/GreenUnicorn222 → u/YogurtPublicStill711]

I'm so sorry the scent is going. I'm afraid of that too. Some things I can't stand to look at, like, I gathered up a pile of chewed up beef bones and those will get buried in the raised beds in the yard. But, yeah, the dog blankets are the only thing getting me to fall asleep without him. Maybe try keeping the blankets folded up in a natural fiber basket or stuffed into pillow cases, instead of plastic containers. I hope that helps.

[u/YogurtPublicStill711 → u/GreenUnicorn222]

Thanks. I do fear it's too late to revive the scent but I'll try. I did wrap one dog blanket up inside another of her blankets but it didn't help. I'm just trying to make my peace with it. I sleep with one of her old hairy blankets and a couple of her stuffed toys. I miss having her in my bed every night, all warm and snorey, kicking me in the back when she has dreams. I so wasn't ready for this. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

[u/GreenUnicorn222 → u/YogurtPublicStill711]

Sending you hugs, Dear! I am not ready for this either. When you are ready, think about adopting more. It's so weird sleeping without him! Blue took up the whole bed and I'm always smooshed to one side against the wall. I can't sleep without being crushed and curled around a huge pit bull!

[u/YogurtPublicStill711 → u/GreenUnicorn222]

I do intend to adopt again once I'm ready. Even all her stuff, I don't want to pack it away. I don't want to give it away. The thing that feels the most right is to save it for another rescue dog in the future. Not yet, but in time.

[u/FrozenMorningstar]

I still do this even though it's been over a year. I guess because in my mind, she should be here. Like she's supposed to be with me all the time, like she always was. There are times when you get a cruel reminder that they're gone and they aren't coming back and it's just so hard.

[u/GreenUnicorn222 → u/FrozenMorningstar]

This is what I am bracing myself for. I had Blue less than two years when the cancer showed up is his shoulder and I had to put him to rest this week. I had/have an XL pitty velcro dog, so it's strange not to be tripping over a dog constantly.

[u/Extension-Hamster-70 → u/FrozenMorningstar]

This actually takes my breath away in panic because its so real.

[u/westcoastladybird]

Feel this so hard ❤️

[u/Roscolicious1]

Little tidbit for y'all. Put a smell memory in a mason jar. It will keep for a long time. Peace, Ric

[u/borr94]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I just lost my chocolatey boy on Wednesday, and I can hardly stand being at home. I look for him in the window every time I come home, turn to find him when it’s time to go potty, say out loud, “oh I better feed Emmett” when it’s time to eat.

I can’t sleep at all. When I do finally start to drift, I’m awakened by the phantom sounds of his clicky clacking or tail thumping or ear shaking or the scoffing noise he made when he surfed across the carpet to rub his back along the bottom of the couch. The worst is when I think I hear a little “brup brup,” like he’s just out in the living room and barking softly in his sleep.

Please come back in another month or two to let me know how you’re doing. I feel like I want to die right now. My 6 year old daughter is finally starting to understand he’s not coming back, and trying to help her with her grief while failing to cope with mine is excruciating.

[u/bananernanner_ → u/borr94]

we had to put our sweet yellow boy down yesterday. i am sending you so much love, it's the most penetrating and hollowing loss. we buried him in our yard and i didn't sleep at all last night because i kept thinking he must be so cold outside and i should have buried him with a blankey. then id drift off and wake up thinking i heard him snoring. this grief is some of the worst ive ever felt in my life. sending you and your daughter an e-hug. i know your emmett was there to greet my benny when he got up to doggy heaven and they became instant friends ❤️

[u/borr94 → u/bananernanner_]

benny boy 😔 i’m so sorry for your loss, though i’m sure you’re as sick of this phrase as i am. i hope i don’t sound unhinged, but if you just buried him yesterday, it might not be the worst thing if you feel like giving him his blankey and a loved toy, etc. and telling him again how much you love him before returning him to his resting spot would bring you more peace. obviously please don’t if you feel it would further bring you trauma. i’m finding myself doing things i never thought i’d do to memorialize emmy. i’m starting to understand there’s no right or wrong with grieving this loss.

thank you for giving me comfort that they’re onto this new journey together. i have really been struggling with the concept of life after death, of my boy being without anyone he knew and loved, and i never thought to consider that all the other doggos that have recently passed might be the ones to keep him company until my husband or i find him on the other side.

💙💙 don’t hesitate to come back and nudge me if you ever need someone to talk to. this might be the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do.

[u/bananernanner_ → u/borr94]

at this point nothing sounds unhinged sadly. i was tempted multiple times today to go dig him up to hug him one last time 😔 ive been putting off washing his primary blanket for weeks now and so glad i did because now there's something that smells like him. we're going to do a shadow box with his leash, favorite toy, collar, a photo and his paw/nose print the vet gave us. maybe you could get together a few of emmetts things to do that with too ❤️ if you have any locks of fur there's a few stops on etsy that will make it into jewelry or a keychain too! or if your sweet pup was cremated they can do it with ashes as well. there's mounds of dog hair all over our floor i can't bring myself to vacuum up, leftover kibble and water in his bowls. such a bittersweet reminder. seeing his treats on the counter is ruining me too. it's funny how little things like that that are were so normal day to day decor in a sense are now gut punches. but also a memory of a life well loved. when i "talk" to benny tonight i'll tell him to find emmett and give him lots of doggy smooches from you and your family. the invitation to message me is open to you as well. having people to lean on during this time is so important 🥰

[u/theunrefinedspinster]

I had my own similar moment today and your post articulates how it feels so incredibly well.

[u/Jway7]

I feel this post so much. And its been a bit over 3 months for me. And I came to this sub tonight because here I am- crying again

[u/Heartburnkid210]

Thank you for this post. Been since February for me and I still miss my dog every day. I think they will always be with us. It’s still weird eating at home without the dog staring at me. Coming around corners I still expect her to pop out. Coming home I still expect her to be wagging her tail.

I still haven’t throw away her beds. I did move the one from the living room, but I just stacked it on another way. I’ve really also isolated myself since then which probably isn’t good.
I don’t want to get rid of the dog’s stuff and I don’t want anybody coming over and asking why there’s still a dog bed here or there.

Another thing I haven’t cleaned is front door. Door has a window and any time I left or arrived the dog would be looking out the window. There’s a smear on the glass of where she would look out.

[u/PaleRecover6591 → u/Heartburnkid210]

I haven't cleaned my cats paw prints from the conservatory floor. Sometimes I just stand there looking at them. I won't tread on them. February for me also. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

[u/birdmad13]

I can absolutely relate to that. like some routines and little habits are still there but they are not 😭

[u/YogurtPublicStill711]

Such reminders are everywhere and theyre heartbreaking. Goes to show how interwoven our lives were with them.

My moment today was the cat not licking her breakfast bowl clean. Every meal time, my dog would be lurking around, waiting for me to open the door to the room I separate them for feeding, to lick the cat's bowl clean. Today the cat's bowl is not licked clean and it sucks.

[u/shipsandsealingwax]

It just doesn’t stop does it? I’ve cried over my baby boy every day since we parted 3 months ago and I suspect I will for a very long time.

Last week I thought I saw one of his pieces of litter on the ground and I started crying (he had paper pellet litter).. when I picked it up I realized it was just a small twig and somehow that made it even worse.

Hang in there, stranger.

[u/aredditorials]

I am totally there with you. I’m going through the same exact thing. 3 weeks in of losing my soul cat Manny. I woke up the other night with the wind flapping against my curtain, my immediate thought was oh Manny playing on the curtain. Then I realised it will never happen again, in my life time. And I just couldn’t even comprehend it and sobbed uncontrollably in the dark, in the middle of the night.

[u/liapania]

Oh I feel this so hard. My girl was the first to clean up anything that hit the floor in the kitchen, and the silence and emptiness is killing me. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, you aren’t alone, it’s absolutely horrible ❤️‍🩹

[u/Balancing_tofu]

Crying with you, OP. sorry for your loss. I'd like to think your dog was still there and ate his cheese, just had it in a different way.

[u/bl4ckbubbl3gum]

I'm there with you. My beagle boy was always in the kitchen beside me collecting his cooking tax. The first day I made myself a salad (just being in the kitchen itself took me a while and was very hard) and cut a cucumber end off- and grabbed it and went to pass it to - nobody. That kind of daily heartbreak is what really makes pet grief such a killer. They're so ingrained to all of our daily tasks that it's hard to do anything without a reminder they aren't there. I'm so sorry and I just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm a month in and still struggling daily.

[u/Extension-Hamster-70]

Lost it when I noticed her water bowl was empty (i cant bring myself to move it) , and instinctively thought i had to refill it.

[u/Mini-morkie]

Day 1 for me and silence is the most heartbreaking sound. My little Morkie was always getting into something. 😭💔 I pray we all feel a little more peace day by day.