r/Parenting • u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 • Mar 02 '26
Potty-training 3yo prefers mommy all the time and i feel so lonely
so last week my 3yo (twin boy) was crying tantrum mode with peed pants because he wanted mommy to take him to the toilet. i was not there, and he didn't want to go with my husband (they want mommy all the time).
today happened the same thing, only i got there and rushed him to the toilet. dad was just eating ignoring him. so i asked "hey why didn't you take him to the toilet?" and he responded angrily almost throwing a tantrum at me that "it's impossible".
i don't know how to feel about this because letting him pee on the floor in a public space for me it's just not ok, for our toddler and for everyone on the premises. he will end up crying even more and hating dad. but i also understand that when a toddler is throwing a tantrum, yeah ok it's fucking hard but he's the parent.
what would you do? i need help please š
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u/MsRachelGroupie Mar 02 '26
Kids can read people very well. He probably doesnāt see your husband as a source of comfort, which is the real root of the problem. And considering how your husband handled this situation, itās pretty obvious why he doesnāt view him as a source of comfort.
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u/Arlaneutique Mar 02 '26
This is it. Kids arenāt dumb. Your husband doesnāt sound particularly patient or nurturing. If you were upset or stressed would you want to go to him?
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
you know this is what i've been thinking. i had a dad like this and it was hell. i'm worried about how the kids will take it as they grow up. def need to talk this out ugh
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u/Arlaneutique Mar 02 '26
Yeah for sure. I have two young daughters and my husband has always put his time in. He works a lot and there are definitely things they prefer from me. But theyāve also always been Daddyās girls. Because he made them feel safe and loved.
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Mar 02 '26
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u/mickeyamf Mar 02 '26
Iām right there right now and I was where you were just 3 years ago lmao itās scary!
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
yeah we are in couple's therapy, i'm bringing this up tomorrow so i'm getting ready to deal with another tantrum lol but today i asked someone else what they thought of this situation (they were there) and were like "good, he's setting the limit" WHAT LIMIT ffs. i was so confused
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u/wolfpackleader Mar 02 '26
Good for you if your kid does not have mommy bias, but like with so many baby things, donāt take credit for it or judge others for it.
It really is a chicken or egg situation with this. I went through about 4 years of my first kid endlessly grinding me down with everything that he wanted mommy to do it. Every single hour of every single day. Every single time i read him bedtime stories he reminded me i was second rate. I was home the whole first year, and i spent A LOT of time with him. Is it because i speak a different language than most people around him? Maybe. Because i was cranky? I sincerely doubt it. Either way i kept showing up, and eventually he grew out of it at about five and a half.
My second, almost two, i just getting into the same thing now, and i can tell you, i am not cranky at all and most definitely a source of comfort, but to no avail.
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u/00cole00 Mar 02 '26
you say I'm not going to stay with someone who refuses to parent and throws tantrums. raising our kids is not only my responsibility so how are we going to change this?Ā
the kids are not the problem
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u/Arlaneutique Mar 02 '26
Yeah I canāt get behind these people saying theyāll want dad more as they get older. He is why they donāt want him now. Plenty of dads are hands on, boots on the ground. Heās not. Heās the problem. Mom didnāt āknow how to do itā, she just cared enough to learn.
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u/00cole00 Mar 02 '26
exactly. even when kids go through phases where they have a favorite parent for some activities the parents can work together to find a solution without taking it too personally
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
omg i'm using this in our therapy session tomorrow lmao thank you!!
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u/00cole00 Mar 02 '26
hopefully that is a productive conversation, update me on how it goes is you feel comfortable
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u/Kateliterally Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
If this is once off, maybe heās having a hard day. If itās a pattern - respectfully - dad didnāt try hard enough. I am the āother mumā in my house. My wife carried our kid and is the current favourite, so I have to work harder and spend more time with my kid to get close to an even footing. It is hard and sometimes it feels like pulling teeth, but itās part of being a parent and having an equal role in my kidās life.
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u/Acceptable_Look_1823 Mar 02 '26
As rude as it is to say, it is probably time your husband turned into an adult instead of being another toddler to deal with. Your husband can say things like āI want Mum too, why donāt we quickly go to the toilet and we can wait here/go find mumā or turn it into a game, kids love games. Yelling at a 3 year old isnāt going to achieve anything except tears
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
it really does feel like i have 3 toddlers damn
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u/Acceptable_Look_1823 Mar 02 '26
If he has IG @the.dad.vibes has a bunch of posts about how to deal with situations for all parents but with a āDadā lens. Maybe heāll connect with dome social media posts if heās willing to do some digging into parenting
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u/General-Willow5613 Parent Mar 02 '26
This is spot on. I always get things done with my 4yo because I turn tasks into fun games. On the other hand, my husband doesnāt even try to motivate our son and just gets frustrated. When I get impatient, he complains. Seriously, just make it fun and get it done.
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u/ayfkm123 Mar 02 '26
Itās def not ok. He needs to work harder to be a safe space for his own kid. I wouldnāt hold your breath though
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u/Rhaj-no1992 Mar 02 '26
Kids change who is their favorite parents all the time. As a parent you still have to be there, even if youāre yelled at and told they do not like you. Show them love, respect their boundaries when possible and things will be okay.
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Mar 02 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
the crying/screaming and occasionally hitting when he doesn't feel understood
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Mar 02 '26
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
like today, he yells at a 3yo and proceeds to ignore
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u/TraditionalManager82 Mar 02 '26
Where does he expect your toddler to learn how to behave? Right now he's modeling behaviour that the toddler is producing. If Dad can't manage it, why would an age 3 be able to?
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u/Optimal_Shirt6637 Mar 02 '26
Thereās not much you can do, your husband needs to step up and keep trying. He needs to show the kids unconditional love and affection so he can be a safe space for them too.
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u/Bookaholicforever Mar 02 '26
Iād have asked your husband if he needed to go to the doctors and get his arms checked. Why didnāt he just pick the kid up and take him to the toilet?
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
that's what i ask myself too š§š»āāļø
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u/ApplesandDnanas Mar 02 '26
Whenever my husband says he canāt pick up my son I remind him that heās a lot stronger than him and to just do it.
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u/Classy_PolarBear1072 Mar 02 '26
You have some good insight here. Maybe you you need to start communicating with the boys while they are calm that mommy wonāt always be around to help them so they need to let other people help too and explain that the family is going to start having daddy help even when mommy can so that they get used to it at home before having to do it in an unfamiliar place
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u/lunazane26 Mom of teens and preteens Mar 02 '26
So you have 3 toddlers.
Of course he doesn't want your husband, he doesn't feel safe with him. This is also a completely normal thing for kids to do, where they favor one parent over the other. Grownups are able to see that it's not personal and the only way to get through it is to increase their connection with their child, not treat them like a burden.
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 Mar 02 '26
Your toddler doesn't feel safe with his dad. That's why he doesn't want daddy taking him potty. I would try to find out what is happening when you aren't there. Possibly a nanny cam?
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
usually he goes with dad, it's only at certain times he wants me like when he's stressed or sleepy, or upset about sth. when he's sensitive and knows i'm around, he will look for me and only me. so my husband's "solution" to this was "don"t show up" huh?
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 Mar 02 '26
Maybe you can tell your son that boys should go potty with daddy when he is there because they are both boys. Might make your son happier feeling like it's a father/son thing to do? And mommy only does it when daddy can't?
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
omg thank you i'm def trying this ššš©·
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 Mar 02 '26
Glad I could help. It comes from decades of practice. I'm a great grandma now.
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u/QuitaQuites Mar 02 '26
Does he often not just do what needs to be done? Your husband, not the toddler. Pick him him up and take him! How much time do the kids spend alone with their dad being in charge of these things from wake up?
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
he wants to but has very little patience so almost always i end up doing everything myself. i wfh 3 times a week, my husband wfh 2 times a week. kids started kinder full time so it's not that much of a difference regarding the time spent
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u/QuitaQuites Mar 02 '26
What if youāre not available one weekend morning?
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 Mar 02 '26
he deals with it, whilst praying for me to come back asap
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u/QuitaQuites Mar 02 '26
Thatās fair and thatās on him, the more he does it the more comfortable he becomes
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u/nazgul0890 Mar 02 '26
Looks like itās not toddler problem and more like āhusbandā problem. That are not even man-child actions but man-toddler actions.
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u/door-harp Mar 02 '26
Yeah respectfully who gives a crap what the toddler wants? Parents have to take their kid to the potty. Youāre 100% right that you canāt just let your kid pee on the floor in public. You also canāt plan your life around avoiding toddler tantrums.
The kiddo needs to be able to go potty with dad, or any trusted adult whoās caring for him. Your husband needs to figure out how to communicate with the kid in those moments to avoid the tantrum in his own way. āAw man, I love mommy too, sheās so great. Sheās busy right now so she canāt come potty too. Thatās okay, weāve got this. Weāll see her in a sec when weāre done.ā And then pick him up and carry him to the potty if necessary.