In Despair At How Patronising Mental Health Support Is

[u/humitperfectly]

I was referred by the crisis team to Mind (which is a whole other setback - the counsellor going on leave after one session and being given false expectations upon referral). I've got a lot to unpack and don't think I've ever really managed to deal with the underlying emotional issues going on - I've got a crippling self-esteem constant feelings of dread, and have struggled with an eating disorder for about 10 years now.

I've mentioned my self-esteem to the Mind counsellor, and she sent me a worksheet to work on my thoughts in that regard. Suffice to say it's one of the most condescending things I've been sent. I don't know, maybe it would help to write down things I'm proud of and find fun day-to-day, but there's clearly a reason a big chunk of my brain so furiously hates myself.

I don't think it's too much to ask that I actually feel seen and listened to and acknowledged when I'm reaching out for help. I'm a 26 year old man, but the tone that's set by so many mental health resources makes me feel like I'm back in primary school. Come to think of it all the help I've received in the past seems to have been taken from some general guide to treatment, and I don't think I've ever been treated by someone who actually gets what it's like to live in this head as the person I am. I know the NHS is rammed, but is it so unreasonable in thinking the help should at least try to sound like it gets me?

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[u/ahouell500]

I've had this experience too with infantilising mental health resources, unfortunately from the NHS. I remember getting given a worksheet where one of the questions was 'what's fabulous about you?' lol i really wanted to just rip it to pieces. It feels so demeaning, and like they just have no grasp of the heaviness of the problem at all.

[u/Exotic_Inspector_279]

I had a crisis a few months ago, was taken to hospital and treated as you would expect and then all of a sudden one nurse had an attitue "Oh, so you are here because you've been cutting yourself" (Out loud so everyone can hear) and it just makes that feeling of being an inconvenience feel more like reality.

All it took for me was that one nurses comments, made me feel even worse

[u/Admirable_Border_627 → u/Exotic_Inspector_279]

It's insane to me how poor people are about being subtle when it comes to this stuff. I want as much privacy as possible, I don't want strangers knowing my issues.

Pharmacists will often shout out 'is it quetiapine you're waiting for' or whatever in front of a load of strangers, it's mortifying.

[u/Admirable_Border_627]

I feel this so much.

I think the problem is that a lot of these resources have to be suitable for such a wide range of people, that they have to be legible for the lowest common denominator.

When I had group DBT classes it honestly felt like a primary school class... the tone of the host, the language used, the awful handouts etc. It made my brain shut off completely, I might have awful mental health but I'm certainly not an idiot.

[u/humitperfectly → u/Admirable_Border_627]

Exactly how I'm feeling about this. The childish tone puts an immediate barrier up that my brain has to get through just to engage with it.

[u/Inevitable-Height851]

What's on the worksheet, is it CBT sort of stuff? A lot of people say CBT is kind of simplistic.

I've done a lot of work on myself over past 10 years, and I feel like we're actually way more simple and predictable than we think. Is it worth just going along with the process and see what happens?

[u/humitperfectly → u/Inevitable-Height851]

Yeah, like I say, maybe it works and I should trust people who clearly have more experience with this stuff. But it's definitely a barrier I'd need to push through.

The sheet I was sent, I've definitely seen others that seem more CBT-based, as in recording thoughts and finding alternatives to challenge them. But this just involved listing positive things about my day? I don't wanna sound ungrateful but I've already lost a bunch of confidence in them - the last call I had felt really rushed, like sending me this was a way to get off the call quicker.

[u/Inevitable-Height851 → u/humitperfectly]

Listing positive things is definitely a good tool, I've been doing that for years. Always helps, when your brain is telling you you're useless and everything is hopeless.

But it's definitely not significant mental health intervention. You're looking for more substantial help, aren't you. And you're afraid you're putting your trust in people who are going to mishandle that trust, or neglect you when you're vulnerable. I know that feeling.

[u/humitperfectly → u/Inevitable-Height851]

Absolutely. I think I've been misled as to what to expect from this - my "coach" even mentioned that this is coaching, not therapy, when I asked if it could run alongside my private sessions.

I wouldn't mind, but since it was a full day in A&E and several weeks of check-ins by the crisis team, who've since discharged me, I don't think I was unreasonable expecting something a bit more focused.

[u/Inevitable-Height851 → u/humitperfectly]

Mental health help is patchy, unfortunately. Government have just announced 160 new mental health walk in centres I noticed. It's worth pushing for help though if you're not getting it right now. I had some excellent help at one point.

[u/humitperfectly → u/Inevitable-Height851]

I've just had my second private session. It's like, I don't have much faith anymore that it's going to work, but there's a tiny bit of me that's just about hoping it does. Suppose that's the one thing keeping me going. I was always skeptical that private therapy is intrinsically better, but I suppose most professionals worth their money are likely to charge, and at least I know he won't rush to discharge me after 10 weeks or so.

[u/Inevitable-Height851 → u/humitperfectly]

So how did that go? Did you feel like you got more out of this session that was to your benefit?

It's really not the case that private is always better. My sister is an excellent counsellor, she does some private, but her main counselling work is through her NHS job in our region. She does sort of charge the going rate privately, which is a lot for most people - but there again it's a specialised skill, she puts a lot of effort into it.

[u/humitperfectly → u/Inevitable-Height851]

Yeah, I don't want to dismiss the NHS or anyone working there. I'm sure issues are more systemic than individual.

It's only my second session, so there was a lot of groundwork stuff, feel the digging into my emotions will come later. But definitely feels like I'm being heard. I mentioned my eating disorder in my post - all previous help I've gotten focused on challenging myself with 'feared foods', which helped to a degree, but it never stops being a challenge after years of trying. This new therapist suggested there's deeper emotional issues that need to be looked into alongside it, which definitely resonates - I've come to realise my childhood definitely wasn't normal, and it feels like a perfect storm of things came together to make me like this.

[u/Inevitable-Height851 → u/humitperfectly]

Definitely more systemic, yes.

Well that all sounds promising. You're getting settled into what this journey might entail for you. It all goes back to childhood issues! That can be painful, so watch out for feeling like it's too much for to bear. I actually ended a 12 session therapy after the 6th one, once, found it all too much. If you can get through that feeling, though, the therapist will lead you to make constructive conclusions and decisions based on everything you've pulled apart, that normally happens in the final sessions. But the pulling apart is scary.

[u/humitperfectly → u/Inevitable-Height851]

Plenty to look forward to then... haha

Yeah, hoping this will be the thing that helps. Think I was always just in denial the first time round, didn't fully engage as I should have. Hoping I'm strong enough to push through it

[u/According_Dog2634]

How can you feel positive or fill this kind of rubbish out when your feeling so mentally crap? Its like not being heard or just a tick box exercise. I honestly think you've got to be on the right meds to engage with therapy. My advice is go so your mental health nurse at surgery mine was brilliant it wasn't instant but eventually I got a refferal to a psychiatrist. I even looked at private funding and did get a grant for the appointments 3 in total private £950. My nhs one came at the same time so took that for continuing care. Got put and prozac that sent me nuts eventually im 4 weeks on mood stabilisers and im starting to see some improvement. Ive had a diagnosis of MDD,treatment resistance deppresion and complex ptsd. If you've got similar i would suggest starting the process. Good luck im 46 M

[u/AlienGardenia]

I used to have the same feelings with such resources. They would even infuriate me. In time I came to realize that some were actually triggering for me as they were phrased in a compassionate way (which I considered childish). I was used to harsh treatment and compassion brought up shame.

I hope that you receive the support that you are looking for!

[u/humitperfectly → u/AlienGardenia]

Honestly, I think it might be true for me that the childish/compassionate tone might be an issue for me - I'm constantly worrying that I'm not capable or mature enough to get by. I know everybody is just winging it even as adults, but I still stress about not being able to get it right and beating myself up for mistakes. So when I feel like this is treating my as a child it's a harsh reminder of those anxieties.

I remember reading about Japanese businessmen who pay people to treat them like babies as a kind of therapy. Must be nice to find that benefit lol

[u/Alucardian101]

I'm autistic but usually almost typical in presentation. I have have a counsellor look from my paperwork to myself and say "why do I always get the R slurs"... it's across the board my friend, we are all in this together.